Shao Wu’s heart immediately began pounding. He cursed himself for being so pathetic, yet still could not stop himself from asking, “What did he ask about me?”
“Just the usual stuff. Whether work is busy, how teaching’s going, things like that. Oh—” Longlong gave him a wicked little grin. “He also asked whether you have a girlfriend.”
Shao Wu thought he had misheard. “Have a what?”
“A girl-friend,” Longlong enunciated, practically vibrating with curiosity. “Do you have one, Brother Shao Wu? Tons of girls in our class have crushes on you.”
Shao Wu was stunned. All he could do was give her a stiff smile. “Don’t talk nonsense.”
“I’m not! They talk every day about whether you’re single!”
“You lot must have a lot of free time. You’re already seniors and you still have time to discuss things like that? Aren’t you always complaining that you can’t finish your homework?”
Sure enough, Longlong looked guilty. “I wasn’t talking about it with them…”
At last he had steered the subject back toward schoolwork. Shao Wu secretly breathed a sigh of relief. If Longlong had kept pressing him about whether he was single, he genuinely would not have known how to answer.
But why would Yang Shuyi ask Longlong that? Did he think sexual orientation was something that could change just like that? Did he think that once he rejected Shao Wu, Shao Wu would simply go back to liking girls? Was that what he thought?
In that instant, Shao Wu felt terribly, terribly disappointed. Maybe it was because he had been far too excited a minute ago, but now it felt as though he had suddenly jumped from somewhere high up and landed on ground that was cold and hard, the impact numbing both his feet.
Maybe this was simply how straight men thought. Being gay was wrong, malformed, abnormal; gay people ought to be corrected, corrected back into being straight. Was that it?
“How have things been at the art studio lately?” Shao Wu asked gently, struggling to settle his emotions.
“Same as always…”
“Winter-break intensive training will be starting soon too, right?” Shao Wu asked again. “Have you decided which schools you want to apply to?”
Longlong said softly, “Not yet…”
“Mm. You should discuss that with your brother. When the time comes, he’ll definitely go with you for the entrance exams.”
Longlong fell silent. She lowered her head and picked at the plastic film wrapped around her drink bottle.
Shao Wu could tell something was weighing on her, so he did not rush her. He simply sat quietly across from her. Only after she had torn the entire plastic wrapper into a little pile of scraps did she finally say, “Brother Shao Wu, I don’t want to study art anymore.”
“Why not?”
“It costs too much.” Longlong kept her head lowered and spoke in a small voice. “I’m not even in university yet, and just the studio has already cost so much… Art academies charge way more tuition than regular universities too. All the classmates who study art with me come from rich families.”
So that was what this was about. Shao Wu sighed inwardly.
“Your brother’s working now, isn’t he? With him around, you don’t need to worry about money.”
Longlong fell silent again and went back to fiddling with the pile of plastic scraps.
Shao Wu said quietly, “Think about it. Your brother graduated from a proper first-tier university, and even his job was introduced to him by one of his professors. You really think he can’t afford to support you?”
“…I know he can,” Longlong said, lifting her face, her gaze burning. “But I don’t want him to keep sacrificing things for me.”
So Longlong knows. Shao Wu thought. Well, she’s old enough now. Some things can’t be hidden forever.
“Brother Shao Wu, you understand too, don’t you? My brother could have gone to graduate school. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, and it wasn’t that he thought graduate school was bad. He just… he just rushed into working because I need money.”
Shao Wu hesitated for a few seconds. “That was only part of the reason.”
“Don’t lie to me. You all lied to Grandma, and you lied to me too.” Longlong pouted. “Before, my brother said graduate school was no good, that it was exhausting and you didn’t earn any money. He said he didn’t want to go at all…”
What a clumsy lie, Shao Wu thought. Just like when I told everyone back then that I applied to Chongqing University because I didn’t want to be too far from home. Some lies simply can’t be patched up, no matter how hard you try.
“A while ago, I was tidying things up at home.” Longlong wiped at her eyes, a sob creeping into her voice. “There was this big box of things my brother mailed home before graduation. I thought it was all useless stuff… But I found the statement where he gave up his recommendation for graduate admission. He signed it himself. And there was a notebook his professor gave him, with a message written inside.”
Longlong’s tears fell onto the desk with soft pattering sounds. Shao Wu had known the truth for a long time, but hearing the details still made his heart ache as though it were cracking open piece by piece. It was strange. Ten minutes ago he had been so disappointed and angry that he had even felt a trace of resentment toward Yang Shuyi. Now his heart hurt so badly for him that he wished Longlong could somehow become his own younger sister, so Yang Shuyi could go study without anything holding him back.
Shao Wu pushed the tissue box across the desk toward Longlong. “What did his professor write?”
“He… he wrote, ‘We all know your family circumstances are difficult, but you are an intelligent, diligent student who is willing to work hard. I hope you will face life bravely. If your circumstances permit in the future, you are always welcome to return to your alma mater and continue your studies.’” She recited the entire passage from memory. Clearly, she had read it over and over again.
“Brother Shao Wu,” Longlong said, “I don’t want to be a burden on my brother anymore.”
Shao Wu got up, walked around the desk, and sat beside her. He patted her trembling shoulder. “You’re not a burden on him, understand? He has never once thought you were a burden.”
“But that’s what’s happening…”
“No, Longlong, listen.” Shao Wu paused for a moment to organize his thoughts. “This might sound a little complicated and hard to understand, but what I mean is this: your brother really is giving things up for you, but giving something up for someone isn’t always painful. Some kinds of giving can make the person doing it happy. Take your brother. When he sees you happily painting, that makes him happy too.”
“What’s there for him to be happy about?” Longlong said through her sobs. “He’s delayed his whole future because of me!”
“Of course he’s happy. He’s your brother, and you’re his sister. You two are the closest family either of you has in this world. When he sees you doing something you love, how could he not be happy?”
“What about him, then? Does his future just not matter?”
“Come on, your brother’s life isn’t ruined. He has a perfectly good job, doesn’t he? His workplace is excellent, and he has really good prospects there.”
“I—I’m not saying it’s bad that he’s working. But because of me, he still gave up the better path…”
Gave up the better path.
Shao Wu suddenly realized that in some ways, he and Yang Shuyi were the same. Both of them had willingly given up the better path. Well, Yang Shuyi had done it because circumstances left him little choice, while Shao Wu had simply been… a little stupid? Yes. A little stupid.
Longlong’s cheeks were wet, reflecting the desk lamp’s warm yellow light. Shao Wu gently patted her shoulder and said to her very seriously, “Actually, no one’s ‘giving’ is entirely one-sided. If someone can keep giving and giving, then they must be getting something back from it too. Other people just might not understand what that person is getting… Your brother gives things up for you, and what he gets in return is watching you grow up healthy and safe. Longlong, remember when we first met? I went to your house for New Year. I was only in my second year of high school then… Look how many years have passed. You and your brother have made it through so many hard things together. Isn’t that a return in itself?”
Shao Wu’s words pulled them both back into memories from long ago. Longlong stared at him with swollen red eyes for several seconds before saying, “I remember. That New Year, Dad gave both of us a watch.”
“I remember too. Your brother’s was blue. He even took that watch with him when he sat the gaokao, but the exam room wouldn’t let him wear it.” Shao Wu smiled, his voice very gentle. “So look at you and your brother. Aren’t you both incredibly strong? That’s a return too.”
Longlong looked at Shao Wu through tear-filled eyes. “That’s really how it is?” She sounded as though she hardly dared believe it.
“That’s how it is,” Shao Wu said firmly. “You have to believe in yourself. You’re worth everything your brother has done for you… okay? There’s only a little more than half a year left. Work hard and get into a good school so your brother can see.”
Only when the bell rang and the forty-five-minute self-study period ended did Shao Wu finally manage to comfort Longlong.
She had barely left the office when another male teacher walked in. He taught physics and was a few years older than Shao Wu.
“Wow, you humanities people really know how to talk,” he praised with a grin. “I stood outside listening for ages. Learned something too. Next time one of the girls in my class comes crying to me, I’m going to say the same thing.”
He heard all that… Shao Wu felt a little embarrassed. “Aren’t you supervising evening self-study?”
“Nope. It isn’t my self-study duty tonight. I’m volunteering!” he said. “The students are always saying physics is hard, so I went over to help them with some problems.”
“Oh…”
“Seriously, Xiao Shao, what you just said was really good. It sounded just like those ‘chicken soup for the soul’ posts people pass around online. Not bad. You’ve got whole sets of grand life lessons ready to go.”
Elio’s Notes: 心灵鸡汤 (xīnlíng jītāng), literally “chicken soup for the soul,” is Chinese internet slang for feel-good motivational sayings or inspirational platitudes, often with a slightly cheesy undertone.
Shao Wu smiled and shook his head. “I just saw some of it online too. I happened to remember a few lines, so I used all of them.”
Shao Wu knew this colleague had always been blunt and easygoing, and that he genuinely meant the compliment. But precisely because of that, Shao Wu found it deeply ironic. Or perhaps simply ridiculous.
Surely only Longlong would take what he had said seriously. Any adult who heard it would laugh. “Giving can make you happy.” “Other people just might not understand what you get in return.” Who would believe nonsense like that? He was like an idiot mumbling things no one else understood. Some people would say he was deliberately playing dumb; others would say, no, that man really was an idiot.
The truth was that every word had come from his heart.
Shao Wu put his books, keys, and water bottle into his backpack and stood. “Teacher Wang, I’m heading back to the dorm, then.”
“Sure. Bye!”
The second evening self-study period had begun. By this hour, the sports-track students who trained on the field had already wrapped up practice. Shao Wu walked onto the empty track with a cigarette between his lips. Smoking was forbidden on campus, so he only held it there without lighting it. In fact, since starting work, he had cut down on smoking considerably. He could not smoke at school, and he had a roommate in the dorm, so smoking there was inconvenient too. But right now he wanted a cigarette so badly it felt almost crazed. At the very least, he wanted to smell the tobacco. For the first time, he realized that this was probably what a smoking addiction felt like.
No. 2 High’s field was different from before too. The track had been resurfaced with soft rubber granules, and his shoes made almost no sound against it. Shao Wu walked one lap around the field, hearing nothing but the rustle of autumn wind through the leaves.
He threw the cigarette into a trash can and decided that he had calmed down. Calm enough to have a normal, proper phone call with Yang Shuyi.
So he dialed Yang Shuyi’s number at 9:37 p.m. on October 29, 2013. He could not even remember the last time he had called Yang Shuyi. While he waited for the call to connect, Shao Wu thought, 9:37. That isn’t too late, so it won’t seem intimate. Good.
“Hello?”
It was— it was Yang Shuyi’s voice.
“It’s me. Shao Wu.”
“I know it’s you.” Yang Shuyi gave a small laugh, his tone perfectly ordinary. “What made you think of calling me?”
It wasn’t that I thought of you today. I think of you every day. Today I finally had a reason.
“Well, this month I’ve been covering classes for Longlong’s class. Her homeroom teacher, Sister Shan, said Longlong hasn’t seemed quite herself lately, so I talked with her just now.”
“Oh, is that so?” Yang Shuyi said. “Then thanks for going to the trouble.”
Do you really have to be this polite with me, Yang Shuyi?
“It’s no trouble. It’s something I should do. It’s not anything too serious, really. It’s just… Longlong already knows you gave up graduate school because of her, and she’s feeling pretty bad about it.”
“That’s my fault.” Yang Shuyi’s tone was still light, but decisive. “I should have explained it clearly to her sooner so that girl wouldn’t overthink it. I’ll call her when she gets home tonight and talk it through with her.”
“…Good. That would be best. She’s a senior now, so mood swings are normal. You and Grandma should try to encourage her as much as you can.”
“No problem.” Yang Shuyi laughed. “I really do need to explain it properly. I didn’t go to graduate school partly because I needed to make money, and partly because of Zou Xin. She had already decided she was going to work in Chengdu, and neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship.”
So there was that reason too? How touching. So there was that reason too. He and she didn’t want to be long-distance, so he gave up graduate school. What an unbreakable bond they must have.
“Mm. Okay.” Shao Wu felt his Adam’s apple trembling slightly. “Then let’s leave it at that.”
“Mm. All right. Thanks, Shao Wu.”
“No need.”
Shao Wu returned to the dorm, used the last of his strength to take off his jacket and trousers, and rolled himself up in the quilt. His roommate was clattering away at the keyboard and laughed when he saw him. “Where’d you go? You look completely drained.”
Shao Wu said hoarsely, “Called a student’s guardian.”
“Another difficult one? There’s a parent in my class just like that. Something that should take five minutes, she insists on dragging out for twenty. Drives me insane…”
Shao Wu closed his eyes and gave a bitter smile. “Mm. Difficult.”
“You okay? Why’s your voice so hoarse?” His roommate reached up and took a glass jar down from the bookshelf. “My girlfriend brought over some pangdahai. Steep some and drink it.”
Elio’s Notes: Pangdahai (胖大海) is the dried seed of Sterculia lychnophora, commonly steeped in hot water as an herbal drink traditionally associated with soothing throat discomfort and hoarseness.
Girlfriend. Another girlfriend. Shao Wu thought. For a straight man, having a girlfriend you loved and who loved you back must really be a wonderful thing.
“Okay. Thanks… I’ll have some tomorrow.”
Shao Wu felt foggy-headed, almost as though he were coming down with a cold, yet Yang Shuyi’s voice kept playing over and over in his ears. It was not an illusion. It was real, truly Yang Shuyi’s voice. Shao Wu thought that he really was an idiot. He had secretly recorded that phone call with Yang Shuyi. He had simply thought that since he so rarely had the chance, he might as well record it. Not only an idiot, but a creep too.
So maybe this was retribution? Yang Shuyi’s voice played again and again through the earphones. Neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship, Yang Shuyi said. Thanks, Shao Wu.