An Zi Yan opened his eyes and slowly sat up. His face seemed to hold every emotion. He had made the air cry, made Mai Ding cry, yet still could not show any more expression. An Zi Yan left the bedroom and walked to the piano. His long index finger pressed down one key, and the piano gave a deep, lingering wail. He stared at it but did not want to play. He did not even know what he wanted to do.
Mai Ding would never know. How could he know that he had personally torn open the wound in An Zi Yan’s heart that had never truly healed? Carrying his own pain, Mai Ding did not dare go back to his parents’ home because he was afraid they would worry. In the end, he called Li Ming. Li Ming had moved out of his family home, and Mai Ding had never visited the place he was renting now. Only after Li Ming gave him the address did Mai Ding realize it was the same apartment building as An Su.
When Mai Ding arrived, Li Ming was already waiting downstairs. Mai Ding took a deep breath and patted his own face before getting out of the taxi. He did not want Li Ming to see him looking like someone who had just been abandoned.
“I already went to the supermarket and bought you a toothbrush and towel.” Li Ming shook the bag in his hand. Mai Ding forced a smile. “Thanks. But why did you move here? This is starting to look a little like creepy-stalker behavior.”
“She lives on the tenth floor. I live on the fourth. I hardly go out, she doesn’t even know I live here, and I’ve never followed her. I only thought that if she ever ran into trouble, I could help her faster. That really doesn’t count as stalking.” Li Ming defended himself.
“It’s been so long already. Shouldn’t you confess to my sister?”
“I’ll get rejected. My heart can’t handle that kind of blow. The heart of a shut-in is very delicate.” Li Ming sounded completely serious. They talked while walking inside. When they entered Li Ming’s apartment, the collection of models was even larger than before, almost like a shop. Three computers sat on the desk: one for watching television, one for online trading, and one for gaming.
“Did you get rich?”
“Enough to cover ordinary living expenses. Nothing compared with you. You never need to worry about anything. You’ve got An Zi Yan.” The moment he heard that name, Mai Ding’s expression changed, but he quickly forced another smile. “Do I? Where? I don’t see him.” Li Ming set the bag on the table and looked at Mai Ding. “So you really did have a fight.”
“Maybe because I’m too annoying. Thinking about it, I really am annoying. I keep fussing over insignificant things and nagging endlessly. He’s probably put up with me for a long time.”
“What exactly happened?”
Mai Ding sat on the sofa covered in things and slowly moved each item onto the coffee table, arranging them while telling Li Ming the rough story. Li Ming rested his cheek on one hand. “If it’s only artificial insemination, maybe it really isn’t such a problem. If a child could fill in a lot of missing pieces…” Mai Ding laughed bitterly at himself. “Maybe I was too impatient, or too confident. I threatened to leave him because I thought it might at least have some effect. But everything I do looks ridiculous and unreasonable to him. He’s always the one who gets to make the decisions.”
“But if the person himself doesn’t want it, forcing him isn’t right either.”
“There are plenty of things he doesn’t want. Maybe he’s in a bad mood, maybe he thinks it’s troublesome. He can refuse easily. What about me? Does he think making this choice was easy for me? I had to face Auntie. I had to face my parents. I had to face him. Why is it always me? No matter what I do, why am I the one who gets blamed? Do I just deserve it? Do I…” Mai Ding covered his face with both hands. “Can’t someone just hug me? Why did he have to say something like that?”
“Calm down. You should bring him here and talk it through again.”
“If it’s something An Zi Yan doesn’t want to talk about, there’s no way to make him talk.”
“But…” Mai Ding lay down on the sofa with his back to the room and curled into himself. “This time, at least this time, I don’t want to lower myself and apologize first.” Li Ming sighed and stopped trying to persuade him. He sat down in front of the computer and left Mai Ding alone on the sofa to calm down.
The night was too long. Neither insomnia nor dreams brought anyone happiness. The person Mai Ding could touch just by reaching out last night was gone, yet he still kept wanting to stretch out a hand, wondering whether he might touch him anyway. Unfamiliar music played from Li Ming’s computer. People really should not listen to songs when they are sad. Every lyric starts sounding as though it was written about them. In the end, it was only the mood playing tricks.
We clearly love each other, so why do we hurt each other?
What a stupid question.
The deepest wounds in the world can only be made by the person you love most.
Mai Ding wrapped both arms around himself and looked down at his body.
If I were a woman… would things be better?
Why have I started hating my own sex? How pathetic is that? I denied who I am so easily.
How thick does a love story have to become before it can withstand life attacking it again and again?
When Mai Ding got up in the morning, he was still not mentally prepared to go to work. He was afraid of seeing coldness and mockery in An Zi Yan’s eyes. Standing outside the Public Relations Department, Mai Ding took a deep breath and walked in. An Zi Yan had not arrived yet. Mai Ding sat down at his desk. Was pretending nothing had happened really going to be this difficult?
“Mai Ding, what’s wrong? You look awful.” Guo Ping asked. Mai Ding touched his face. “Probably didn’t sleep well last night.”
“You brat, another romantic adventure? What an enviable life.” His coworkers teased him, and the others laughed. Mai Ding looked at them. If they knew about his relationship with An Zi Yan, would they still be envious? Mai Ding had long passed the age of naivety. Expecting everyone to accept them was almost extravagant. Reality was never that beautiful.
“Yan, you’re here.” At Fan Shao Jun’s voice, Mai Ding hurriedly lowered his head. From the corner of his eye he could see An Zi Yan’s beautiful fingers. When he realized An Zi Yan was walking in his direction, Mai Ding stood, invented an excuse, and went to find Fei Meng. He was bad at hiding things and acting. He was afraid he would break down the instant he looked at An Zi Yan.
He had overthought it. An Zi Yan had only come to take a document from the desk of another coworker behind Mai Ding. Then he walked directly into his office and shut the door. Once inside, An Zi Yan threw the document hard onto the desk. He had noticed Mai Ding obviously avoiding him. After Mai Ding left last night, he had not gone to his parents’ house. If Li Ming had not sent him a message, An Zi Yan might already have gone out looking.
An Zi Yan rested his head against the back of his chair. He could not feel the sunlight or temperature outside, nor the emotions or pain inside. After last night, everything had turned to ash. The floor-to-ceiling window reflected his face. He looked like a demon who might lose control at any moment. This had happened more than once. He had already lost control with Manager Cui. An Zi Yan knew it was more serious now than it had been then. He stared at his fingers. To stop Mai Ding from leaving, he might do something that hurt him, something cruel. He would definitely hurt Mai Ding. Maybe Mai Ding avoiding him now was the safest thing for him.
An Zi Yan turned his chair toward the window and looked at the sky. His voice was as light as the wind. “Grandpa, even I can’t control myself anymore. Is this your prank?”