“Why not? You can’t be this selfish.” The moment Mai Ding said it, he almost wanted to laugh. It was like a circle. Wu Xin had said the same thing to him, and now he was saying it to An Zi Yan. He had wanted them to sit down and talk calmly. How had it turned into an argument? Maybe he and An Zi Yan simply were not suited to serious conversations. They had argued when Mai Ding was looking for work after graduation too. Neither of them could control their personalities. Who could? How many saints existed in the world?
“I am selfish. So what? I’m not like you, always trying to be a good person.”
An Zi Yan was too good at hurting people. Mai Ding smiled bitterly. “Right. I’m Mai Ding. That’s the kind of person I am. If I sacrifice you a little, your mother will like me more, everything will become complete, you’ll finally have a child, and I’ll feel less guilty. That’s who I am. I have to think about everyone.”
“I don’t want to keep talking about this. Nothing you say will change anything.”
“I know. You never listen to me anyway.” Mai Ding walked into the bedroom and opened the wardrobe. Maybe even he had not expected things to become like this. People were slaves to emotion, controlled by it far too easily.
“What are you doing?” An Zi Yan stood in the bedroom doorway. Mai Ding dragged his clothes out of the wardrobe. “When it comes down to it, all of this happened because I’m a man. Why would someone like you choose me? Why choose a man!” An Zi Yan clenched his teeth, strode forward, and grabbed Mai Ding’s wrist. “Stop emphasizing that you’re a man. I know damn well what sex you are.”
“The child…”
“That isn’t important.”
“It is important! I can’t watch you go your whole life without a child, without ever celebrating Father’s Day. Why can’t I give you something that beautiful? Why can’t I…” Mai Ding took a deep breath. “I really don’t want to admit it, but as your partner, there’s something missing in me.”
“Are you going to keep bringing this up? How many times do I have to say it before you’re satisfied? I’m not in the mood to fight with you.”
“You think I enjoy fighting with you? If you would just agree…”
“Enough! You… can’t you stop being so annoying…” An Zi Yan growled irritably. Both of them froze. The damage from that sentence surpassed everything else. Mai Ding’s eyes slowly turned red. His expression seemed not to have recovered from what An Zi Yan had said. His chest hurt. His stomach hurt. Every organ inside him seemed to be groaning. He threw the clothes in his hands into An Zi Yan’s face and said in a hoarse, powerless voice, “Is that what you’ve wanted to say all along? I think so too. I really am annoying.” He no longer had the heart even to pack. He only wanted to get out. An Zi Yan’s words still echoed through the room. Mai Ding wanted out. Out.
“Where are you going?” An Zi Yan gripped Mai Ding’s wrist even tighter.
“Where else can I go? If I stay, I’m afraid I’ll annoy you. What’s the point anyway? You won’t agree.”
“You want to leave me over something this small? I’m telling you, impossible.” An Zi Yan yanked hard, throwing Mai Ding onto the bed. Mai Ding lay there without moving. “An Zi Yan, there’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you. The things I think about, the things I care about, do they all look like stupid, laughable little problems to you?” An Zi Yan pressed down over Mai Ding and grabbed his chin. “No matter what you say, you are not leaving me.” Mai Ding stared straight at him. “And what are you going to do? Hit me? Lock me up?”
“You want to leave that badly?” An Zi Yan narrowed his eyes, his grip tightening. Mai Ding’s brows drew together slightly. “Mm.” An Zi Yan’s hand clenched hard, then suddenly released him. Mai Ding climbed off the bed and walked toward the door. Behind him came An Zi Yan’s strangely powerless voice. “You can leave whenever you want. Must be easy. Mai Ding, is this how you love me?” His voice turned Mai Ding’s pain into something spreading through his entire bloodstream.
You… can’t you stop being so annoying… You… can’t you stop being so annoying… You… can’t you stop being so annoying… You… can’t you stop being so annoying…
An Zi Yan’s words repeated endlessly inside Mai Ding’s mind. They had already reached this point, and there was no way back. If he retreated now, everything would return to the beginning. He would see the hidden pain and disappointment of their families again. He would feel the guilt of not being able to give them what they wanted. He had made a choice. He had to keep walking.
“You don’t love me enough, so why do I have to love you?” Both his throat and his words trembled. The lie had been forged out of pain. Would An Zi Yan see through the coldness he was pretending to have?
He had once said: Whenever there’s a choice and you’re one of the options, I’ll always choose you.
But that sentence itself had plenty of loopholes. What if someone asked: Who don’t you love?
I probably wouldn’t choose you even if I died.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, An Zi Yan let both hands hang over his knees and gave a short, cold laugh. “You’re impressive. Using this to threaten me.”
“Can I really threaten you?”
If An Zi Yan agreed, did that mean the argument could end? Mai Ding had always forgiven him easily. Even if An Zi Yan called him annoying, even if he treated him coldly. Agree, okay? End this fight, okay? I’m fragile. I break easily. I can’t give you an ordinary kind of love, so at least let me give you the chance to be an ordinary father. You’ve given me too much. Let me give you something too.
Mai Ding did not look back. He crossed the hallway, crossed the living room, and stopped at the entrance. When would An Zi Yan call him back? Behind him there was only silent air. Mai Ding turned the doorknob and walked out. His luck was still terrible this year. He had lost the bet. An Zi Yan had not chased after him and had not given him an excuse to return. Mai Ding, who had thought there would be no price, had been too naive. Everything required a price.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, An Zi Yan clearly heard Mai Ding’s footsteps growing farther away. When would Mai Ding stop? In front of him there was only silent air, followed by the sound of the door opening. He really left. Everyone did this. They said they would stay, then left. Mai Ding did. Grandpa did too. Fine. Let all of them leave.
An Zi Yan fell backward onto the bed. Darkness covered him. He closed his eyes without expression, Mai Ding’s warmth still wrapped around his fingers. Slowly, that warmth weakened until nothing but cold remained. His expression never changed. Only his index finger moved slightly. No one could have detected what he was feeling. He looked merely asleep, sleeping inside a painting.
Curious air slipped into his body, wanting to know what the beautiful man lying on the bed was thinking. When the air came back out, it was already crying, tears clinging softly to his skin.
Memories of Grandpa seized him. He had tried to force them down into the deepest place inside him, but Mai Ding’s departure broke the restraint apart. The memories dragged thorn-covered vines behind them, cutting everything they brushed against.
(Zi Yan, grow up well. Grandpa will always stay with you.)
(An Zi Yan, I want to stay by your side. Can I stay for the rest of my life? You’ll say yes, right?)
They had clearly said those things.
(Zi Yan, Grandpa has to go now.)
(Why do I have to love you?)
They had all lied; if you can’t do it, don’t say it!