Near the end of the workday, Mai Ding received a call from Bai Xiao Si. He stood and walked to a quiet corner beside the restroom before putting the phone to his ear. “Hello, Xiao Si?”
“Mai Mai, I’m going to tell you something, but don’t be too shocked. I think your mother-in-law and my dad came up with it because they had nothing better to do. They said you and An Zi Yan want a child and want me to help have one. Isn’t that completely bizarre?” When Bai Xiao Si heard no response from the other end, she asked, “Did I scare you?” Mai Ding gripped the phone tightly and let out a long breath. “Would asking you to do something this strange be insulting to you?” Bai Xiao Si froze for a moment. “Insulting? No. If you and my ex-husband really want a child, then this is one possible solution. Compared with letting some random woman carry his child, I’m obviously the most suitable person, right? What if one of those women develops feelings for him and uses the child to threaten you? That would be even more troublesome.” Mai Ding had been afraid Bai Xiao Si would curse him out, but instead she was surprisingly open and matter-of-fact about it.
“But didn’t you say you don’t want children?”
“I don’t. But under these circumstances, the child wouldn’t really be mine. It would be yours and my ex-husband’s. Consider it special treatment for you two, a gift from me.”
“You really wouldn’t feel forced? You’re not married yet, and pregnancy…”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m willing.” Bai Xiao Si paused for several seconds, then changed her tone. “But Mai Mai, there is one condition. It has to be because you and my ex-husband want a child, not because other people want one. Do you meet that condition?” Mai Ding could not answer. He did not know whether he wanted a child. He had never thought about it before. It had always seemed too distant. Now the wishes and happiness of both families were pressing down on him, and without having to sacrifice anything himself, he had a chance to make those wishes come true. The missing piece in An Zi Yan’s life that Mai Ding had always felt he owed him could finally be repaid.
There was no reason or excuse left to hesitate. Mai Ding completely closed off the other exit.
“I’ll meet that condition.”
“Really?”
“Mm. I want a child. An Zi Yan’s child.”
“Really?”
“Let’s leave it there for now.”
Now only An Zi Yan remained, the most important person of all. Mai Ding looked up and discovered An Zi Yan standing several meters away, watching him.
“Who were you talking to?” Mai Ding had no idea how much he had heard.
“Xiao Si.” To prove it, Mai Ding held up the phone screen for him to see. An Zi Yan’s expression remained faint and cold. He did not even look at the screen before saying, “Mai Ding, I don’t like you hiding things from me.” Mai Ding’s fingers curled against the phone. “I won’t hide it from you. I’ll tell you everything when we get home.” He noticed someone behind An Zi Yan walking toward the restroom, so he hurried past An Zi Yan and returned to his desk. He could still feel An Zi Yan’s gaze fixed on his back.
On the bus home, Mai Ding sent Wu Xin a message. The moment it went through, Wu Xin called him.
“Auntie.”
“I knew you were a good child. I knew you would agree.”
“Mm.”
“But…” Wu Xin seemed hesitant. “Xiao Si’s father hopes Zi Yan will stay by Xiao Si’s side throughout the pregnancy.”
“Of course. That’s only natural. I’ll stay with Xiao Si too.”
“He doesn’t want you there. But if you think that’s unfair, it doesn’t necessarily have to be Xiao Si. We can find another way.”
Mai Ding bit his lower lip. “No. I understand. I want it to be Xiao Si too.”
“My good child. Then I’ll leave Zi Yan to you. Please persuade him. I’m really asking you.” Her tone sounded so humble, as though she had placed every hope she had on Mai Ding. Mai Ding looked out the window just as An Zi Yan’s car flashed past. His gaze followed the rear of the car while he murmured into the phone, “I’ll persuade him.”
When Mai Ding opened the door, An Zi Yan was already waiting for him.
“Talk.” As always, he gave people no time to prepare. Mai Ding did not know which sentence to start with and stood there stammering.
“Hurry up.”
“I…” He looked into An Zi Yan’s beautiful, deep eyes and saw his own reflection there. “I want a child.”
“Can you give birth?”
Mai Ding had talked about this with Wu Xin, with his parents, and with Bai Xiao Si recently, but somehow talking to An Zi Yan was still the hardest. An Zi Yan could wipe out everything he had struggled to build with one simple sentence.
“I can’t.”
“Then there’s nothing to talk about.” An Zi Yan turned away and picked up a cup.
“But someone else can give birth, can’t they?” The moment Mai Ding said it, An Zi Yan slowly set the cup back down. “What are you trying to say? Or is someone trying to make you say something to me?”
“You don’t hate children, right? And you know about artificial insemination. It wouldn’t be very troublesome, you would only need to…” An Zi Yan cut him off. “Why are you suddenly talking about this?” He always seized the core of a problem so quickly that Mai Ding never had time to defend himself.
“B-because it suddenly occurred to me.”
“Mai Ding, don’t lie to me. Don’t. You know I’ll get angry.”
“Because I’m a man. I’m a fucking man, and I can’t give you a child. I’m scared to talk about this, but sooner or later I have to face it. My parents and your parents, is this fair to them? Yu Rong Mei was right. I never thought about how they made concessions because they love us. Maybe they weren’t willing at all and only hid their pain because of our selfishness. Am I supposed to just live comfortably with that? They only want a child. I can’t give them one. I can’t give birth. I’m a fucking man. I’m a man!”
“No.”
After everything Mai Ding had said, all he received were two impossibly cold words. Was it because An Zi Yan had his back to him and could not see how much pain he was in? Why did Mai Ding have to stand in the middle and be crushed from both sides?
An Zi Yan, say a few more words. I can’t take this.