“Auntie said on the phone that you had something to discuss with me, and I started imagining things again. I really want to get rid of that bad habit.”
“Rather than saying I want to discuss something, it would be more accurate to say I need to ask you for something.”
“Don’t say ask. We’re already family, aren’t we? As long as it’s something I can do, I’ll definitely do it for you.” Now that his heart had relaxed, Mai Ding was full of cheerful warmth. He truly was willing to do anything because Auntie was also, in a way, his mother now. Even if thinking that sounded a little presumptuous, Mai Ding wanted to regard Wu Xin as a mother.
Wu Xin placed her hand over the back of Mai Ding’s and patted it. Such a simple, intimate gesture was already enough to fill Mai Ding’s chest with emotions he could not name. He remembered the past, when Wu Xin had rejected him so firmly and done so many things to make him leave An Zi Yan. Mai Ding carried guilt toward her. Her son, her An Zi Yan, could have lived a perfect life that everyone envied. That was a mother’s dream, and Mai Ding had been the one to puncture it. Mai Ding looked down at Wu Xin’s hand. He could not allow himself to be dissatisfied anymore.
“Xiao Ding, give Zi Yan a child.”
How long did a single sentence take to understand? Mai Ding froze. Give An Zi Yan a child. How was he supposed to do that? It was something he could never do, something he had never even dared to imagine.
Whose hand was moving? The elastic band was being stretched tighter and tighter. Who was doing it? Stop pulling. Who was it? Only when the image gradually became clear did Mai Ding realize it was not An Zi Yan, not Auntie, not anyone else. It was himself. Why was he making himself hurt?
The room was unusually warm, and the hand resting on the back of Mai Ding’s was warm too, but that warmth did nothing for his body. Confusion filled his eyes. “But I’m a man.” It sounded stupid even as he said it. Wu Xin shook her head. “I’m not asking you to give birth.”
“Then… adoption?” Wu Xin shook her head again. There was only one answer left. Mai Ding’s throat went dry as bitterness rose from his chest into his mouth. He forced himself to ask, “You want An Zi Yan to have a child with another woman?”
“Mm.”
“But An Zi Yan is my partner.” Mai Ding gripped his knees. Wu Xin was extraordinarily gentle, like a loving mother looking at a child. “I’m not asking him to sleep with another woman. Have you heard of artificial insemination? I’ll arrange everything. You don’t need to worry. It won’t affect your relationship at all.” Mai Ding slowly lifted his gaze from the tips of his shoes toward Wu Xin. He did not know what emotion he was supposed to use to accept her words. His mind was a complete mess. He asked woodenly, “Who do you want An Zi Yan to have a child with?”
“You don’t need to worry about that either. I already have someone in mind. I won’t randomly choose some improper person. It’s someone you know too.” Wu Xin spoke as though Mai Ding had already agreed. But he was not worried about any of that. Where it would happen, which woman it would be. He only, only…
“Someone I know?” Mai Ding was already completely dazed, mechanically continuing the conversation.
“Xiao Si.” It was a name Mai Ding could never have expected. Suddenly he remembered the April Fool’s joke Bai Xiao Si had once made about being pregnant with An Zi Yan’s child, and the feelings he had experienced then flooded back all over again. Back then, Mai Ding had even thought that if it were Xiao Si, maybe he could accept it. What kind of absurd development was this? Who could have imagined a joke turning into reality? He pictured Bai Xiao Si with a swollen belly, An Zi Yan touching her stomach, the two of them waiting together for their little life to arrive while Mai Ding could only stand far away and watch something that had nothing to do with him. The image was harmonious in a cruel way. If Mai Ding had never appeared, perhaps that would have been An Zi Yan’s life. So many things would never have happened. He would never have endured malicious insults from other people, never have been beaten bloody by An Xun, never have knelt before Mai Ding’s mother, never have wasted so much energy protecting Mai Ding… Mai Ding wanted to tear the image in front of him apart with both hands. If you want a child so badly, go ask An Zi Yan. Why are you telling me? I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to answer.
“You wouldn’t have to give up anything. Zi Yan would still be your partner. There would simply be one more child. If you and Zi Yan are too busy to raise the child, all of us can help. Then the family would finally be complete. If there’s anything else that makes you feel wronged, we can discuss that too.”
Wu Xin’s proposal sounded so perfect. No one would lose anything. Everyone would gain. An Zi Yan would still be Mai Ding’s An Zi Yan. Xiao Si would no longer have to be pestered by her father. The An family would have a descendant. Mai Ding would no longer have to feel guilty toward Wu Xin. Most importantly, An Zi Yan could become a father. Everything was too perfect, almost impossible to criticize, almost impossible to refuse. So why, even with all these wonderful reasons placed in front of him, could Mai Ding still not persuade himself?
“Do Xiao Si and An Zi Yan know?”
“I wanted to tell you first. I know you may not be able to accept it immediately, but Auntie truly hopes you’ll agree. After all, as you said, we’re family.”
Mai Ding simply could not get angry. Wu Xin was only an ordinary mother. At least she had not hidden anything from him and wanted his agreement. Mai Ding still had no answer, so he could not respond. “If Xiao Si and An Zi Yan don’t agree, then anything I say is useless anyway.”
“That’s why I want you to persuade Zi Yan. If it’s you, Zi Yan will agree. He loves you.” The last sentence made Mai Ding’s heart clench. He shook his head, his voice hoarse. “I can’t. I can’t do it.” Wu Xin tightened her grip around Mai Ding’s hand. “Why? They wouldn’t be having a physical relationship. Why can’t you? Why can’t you do it?” The questions rushed at Mai Ding’s body and gnawed at him. He could not escape them. He could only keep shaking his head.
“Auntie has already accepted you and let you stay with my son. You know how people outside look at a relationship like yours, don’t you? You can’t possibly not know. I’m letting my son endure all the pressure of society. That is my son, the flesh of my heart. You can’t possibly understand a mother. For him, for you two, I’ve endured everything. This is the only thing I’m asking, and you still say you can’t do it. Can you truly not do it, Mai Ding? You can’t be this selfish.”
Mai Ding’s heart trembled. A deep sense of shame rose inside him. Wu Xin was right. She had finally exposed the reason he had been unable to persuade himself. Maybe it really was selfishness. If he could, Mai Ding truly wished he were the one who could give An Zi Yan a child instead of someone else. He really, truly loved An Zi Yan, and he really, truly selfishly wanted to possess every part of him. That was not how an adult should think. A smart adult should consider the whole situation and know which choice was correct. He was already an adult, wasn’t he? Wasn’t he?