If Wu Xin had tried to stop Mai Ding and An Zi Yan from being together with cruel words, Mai Ding could have found countless reasons to refuse. He could have stood firm. Because of An Zi Yan, he was no longer as afraid of society’s judgment. But in this situation, what reason could he use to refuse? Mai Ding could not think of one. Wu Xin softened her tone but still held his hand tightly. “If Zi Yan had never been born, you would never have met him. The happiness you have now exists because Zi Yan was born. Do you really want to take that happiness away from someone else?”
“I-I don’t.”
“What do I have to do before you’ll agree? Do I need to beg you?” Wu Xin suddenly became emotional and dropped to her knees. Mai Ding hurriedly helped her up. “Auntie, don’t do this. Let me think. Let me think.” He helped Wu Xin back onto the sofa. Wu Xin clutched his arm, tears ruining her makeup and leaving marks on Mai Ding’s sleeve.
“You’re a good child. I’ve stepped back again and again. I let the two of you stay together. I let the two of you marry. Xiao Ding, Auntie is begging you. For me, for this family, for our Zi Yan, take one step back. It isn’t difficult for you.”
“Even if I agree, An Zi Yan might…”
“How do you know Zi Yan doesn’t want children? Even if he says he doesn’t, maybe he simply never mentions it because he knows you can’t give him one. Xiao Ding, you’ve already received so much. Can’t you give something back to us?” Her words were like fire and ice water at the same time, making Mai Ding burn one moment and freeze the next. Either way, it hurt unbearably. He felt like a selfish, greedy bad person who cared only about his own feelings and love while leaving An Zi Yan’s family to suffer.
Is this my fault?
Do people with low self-esteem ask that question a lot?
When Mai Ding left Wu Xin’s house, the sunlight stung his eyes. The red marks left by Wu Xin’s fingernails on the back of his hand still ached faintly. She had not demanded an immediate answer. She had only seen him off with a face wet with tears. Mai Ding took his phone from his bag. A message from An Zi Yan glowed on the screen. [Where are you?]
[I want to stop by home and pick something up today. I’ll be back later.]
After replying, Mai Ding stood in a daze for a while. He had no idea how to speak to An Zi Yan or how to answer Wu Xin. He had always been a coward. Running away was the simplest, easiest method, and the choice ordinary people liked best. There was nothing he could do. He had always been painfully ordinary.
Too many words filled his head, crowding so tightly they felt ready to split his skull. What should he do? What would other people do? Mai Ding fled back to his parents’ house. When Mai Ding’s mother saw him, she complained, “You child, why didn’t you tell us before coming back? Where’s Xiao Shuai?”
“I came back alone.”
Mai Ding’s father was reading the evening paper while his mother tidied the room. They were the people closest to him. At that moment, Mai Ding felt an overwhelming urge to confide in them. The television was a little loud. Sitting on the sofa, Mai Ding suddenly blurted out, “Auntie wants An Zi Yan to have a child through surrogacy.” After he said it, his mother’s hands stopped moving. The room was still filled with the noise of the television, but no one spoke. Their silence made Mai Ding’s heart grow heavier. He had told his parents because he wanted some verbal comfort, or at least for them to stand on his side. What did their silence mean? Mai Ding could not believe it. His eyes widened slightly and his breathing quickened. “You already knew, didn’t you?”
“She already came and talked to us beforehand.”
“So you agreed?” Mai Ding shot up from the sofa. Their reaction was too strange. At the very least, they should have objected to Wu Xin a little. Mai Ding’s mother started cleaning again without looking at him. “It’s between you and Zi Yan. What right would we have to agree for you?”
Mai Ding glanced at his father. He shook out the newspaper. Whenever something like this happened, he never spoke easily. Mai Ding wondered whether men simply disliked facing this kind of problem. He looked from his father to his mother and back again. After a long time, he asked quietly, “You want me to agree, don’t you?” Mai Ding’s mother rubbed the table hard, lips pressed together. “It’s only… only artificial insemination. It isn’t as serious as you think.” So only Mai Ding was making it serious. Unable to control his anger, he shouted, “You’re my parents!!” Mai Ding’s mother gripped the cleaning cloth tightly. “It’s exactly because we’re your parents that we agreed! Their side wouldn’t object if you had a child either, and they’re willing to help. We thought there was no hope of ever having a grandchild. Even if you don’t have one, Zi Yan’s child would still count. We treat him like our own son now. It doesn’t matter which of you has the child. Having one would still be good. I know you and Zi Yan are happy together now. No one is trying to take your happiness away. Can’t you think about our happiness too? Your father and I are getting older. You’re not here, and this house will only become emptier and quieter. Is this small request really that unreasonable to you?!” Every word shattered Mai Ding’s anger. He suddenly realized he no longer even had the right to lose his temper.
Wu Xin and his mother had both cried in front of him. It felt as though only one choice had been left to him. What exactly was he being stubborn about? What was he truly afraid of?
“Ding Ding, Mom isn’t saying your feelings don’t matter. I…” Mai Ding wanted to break the atmosphere apart and cut her off, pretending everything was fine. “It’s okay, Mom. I’m going upstairs to get something. An Zi Yan is still waiting for me at home.”
“You’re not staying for dinner?” Mai Ding’s father asked. Mai Ding shook his head and ran back to his room. Once the door closed, he staggered to the bed, hugged the blanket, and curled into himself. It was a posture that made him feel safe. Mai Ding blinked slowly. The sky outside was gradually darkening, but there was still some light. He covered his eyes with one hand and put himself in darkness. He had to think. He had to think properly. After a while, Mai Ding took out his phone and searched related information. There were many similar cases abroad. In the pictures, people held children and smiled happily. Mai Ding shoved the phone under the blanket.
What had An Zi Yan’s family and his own family felt when they accepted their relationship? They had abandoned their own beliefs and worries simply for their children’s happiness. If relatives or friends found out, would those people mock them the same way they mocked Mai Ding, or accuse them of being unfit parents? How many ugly things had their families heard because of him? Was what they were asking now really excessive?
A knock sounded outside. Before Mai Ding could answer, his mother opened the door and came in. She sat beside the bed. “I just talked it over with your father. Everything should follow what you want. If you can’t accept it, then none of us agree. I’ll go talk to your Auntie Wu Xin. Your father and I were wrong. We shouldn’t have thought so much about ourselves. Live however you think happiness should look. Now get up. Xiao Shuai just called. He’s still waiting for you at home. Hurry back.” Mai Ding’s mother patted his butt. Mai Ding buried his face in the blanket and nodded. He did not dare look at his mother. He was afraid he would cry. Compared with himself, were parents simply too great?
Mai Ding’s mother stood and walked toward the door. “Pretend I never said any of that earlier. Don’t feel guilty toward us. We… actually don’t even like children that much. A quieter house is nice. I’ll go downstairs and pack you some food to take back.” Mai Ding kept nodding. Only after the door shut did he push himself upright. A damp patch had appeared on the blanket. Liar. Mom was a liar. Once again, because of him, they were hiding what they truly wanted.
He stood with both arms hanging at his sides and opened the door. His father was still reading the paper. His mother was packing food into bags. She hummed a tune, and there was no trace left on her face that she had cried.
Mai Ding looked at them. The answer had already appeared.