Shao Wu asked blankly, “What kind of idea?”
But Zhu Jingjing bit her lip and shook her head. “Forget it. It might not work anyway.”
“It’s fine. Just… tell me.”
Zhu Jingjing sighed again and said softly, “I’m planning to come back to No. 2 High to work after I graduate.”
Shao Wu nodded. “I know.” Zhu Jingjing had told him long ago that after graduation she planned to return to Yongchuan and become a PE teacher. Her father was not in very good health, and as an only child, she did not want to go too far away.
“It’s just… you could, you could pretend to date me…” She stumbled a little over the words. “You could tell your parents you want to be with me, so you have to come back to Yongchuan… At least that gives you a reason, right?”
Shao Wu stared at her, completely at a loss. He had not expected that to be her idea.
“But you… you… would really be okay with that?”
“I’m fine with it.” Zhu Jingjing smiled, sounding almost gallant. “Come on, we’re close. I’d just be helping you out a little. I figure if you tell your parents right now that you’re not going to grad school, they definitely won’t accept it. But in another two or three years, they can’t possibly still be urging you to go, can they? You just need to get through this stretch…”
Shao Wu thought Zhu Jingjing had a point. He had never considered himself someone with much interest in academics. He had chosen English when filling out his university application only because English had always been his strongest subject. In the end, the real obstacle was his parents. With a heart full of guilt, Shao Wu thought, I’m going to disappoint them again.
Actually, sometimes, very, very rarely, Shao Wu had questioned what his parents expected of him. “Questioned” might be too strong a word, but he really had thought this before: maybe the reason they wanted him to study abroad had more to do with keeping up appearances. Everyone knew the Shao family’s kid had excellent grades and attended a prestigious university. Granted, he had strangely given up Renmin University, but Chongqing University was still a Project 985 school. His parents both held leadership positions in their respective workplaces, surrounded by people eager to flatter them, and Shao Wu had grown up hearing endless praise from uncles and aunties: Your Shao Wu is so bright! If only my kid had half his brains!
Maybe his parents wanted him to study abroad because saying “our child is studying overseas” sounded impressive. Just as they wanted him to continue on to graduate school because, in a small and insular city like Yongchuan, having “a child in graduate school” sounded impressive too.
But he was probably about to choose the path that would embarrass them most: no graduate school, no studying abroad, and after graduation, a return to Yongchuan. It was as though his rebellious phase had begun only when he changed his university application and had continued without stopping ever since. He was gay, and that had already determined that he would walk a road from which there was no turning back. He would not marry or have children. Ten years from now, fifteen years from now, he would become the strange one in the eyes of relatives and family friends. How disappointed would his parents be then? Maybe he should make them disappointed ahead of time, so that when the later disappointment came, it would not hit quite so brutally.
“Jingjing, if you’re willing…” Shao Wu was overwhelmed by a jumble of emotions. “Then let’s pretend we’re together… Thank you. Really.”
Zhu Jingjing looked at Shao Wu. A few seconds later, she smiled and held out her hand. “Then let’s make a good team of it.”
Shao Wu reached out too and shook her hand. Her hand was a little cool.
It would take several more years before Shao Wu understood that only someone who was loved dared to love, and only someone who was indulged dared to be willful, secure in the knowledge that they had something to fall back on. By the time he understood that, it was already too late for everything. Perhaps that was the price of understanding.
After leaving the café, Shao Wu headed home, distracted the entire way, his thoughts a tangled mess. He tried to sort them into some kind of order. First, he could not hide the postgraduate-recommendation issue for long. Next semester, students who successfully received recommended admission would get their preliminary admission notices, and he would not, so he needed to find a time to tell his parents the truth. Second, he had to convince them to let him work in Yongchuan. In truth, he had not particularly wanted to come back. If he could not go to Chengdu, if he could no longer live in the same city as Yang Shuyi, then it seemed not to matter where he was: Yongchuan, Guangzhou, Beijing, all the same. But if he was going to pretend to date Zhu Jingjing, then he could only return to Yongchuan. Third. The third thing was… what? Shao Wu told himself, There’s nothing else. Isn’t this all there is? Yang Shuyi will work in Chengdu, and I’ll stay in Yongchuan.
Thin threads of rain drifted through the night sky. At some point, darkness had settled completely. A little rain had dampened Shao Wu’s T-shirt, making it cling to his skin. Suddenly, he wanted to go take a look at that place. He boarded a bus, got off a little more than ten minutes later, walked for a few more minutes, and finally stopped in front of a bathhouse.
The old Yinhe Internet Café had become the Vienna Bathhouse, with gleaming marble steps built outside the entrance. Shao Wu remembered clearly how, that night when he had been just about to give up, he found Yang Shuyi at Yinhe Internet Café. Now the internet café was gone, and he no longer had any reason to go looking for Yang Shuyi.
Shao Wu stood outside the bathhouse and stared at the lavishly lit building. A few minutes later, he turned and left. On the way to the bus stop, something suddenly vibrated in his pants pocket.
Shao Wu ignored it. He had been getting junk texts constantly these past few days.
Only after he got home, showered, and was about to go to bed did he pick up his phone to charge it. The instant he plugged it in, the screen lit up, and he saw an unread text message.
Sender: Shuyi
Thud. Something seemed to strike hard inside his chest.
He had thought he would never receive another text from Yang Shuyi for the rest of his life.
Yang Shuyi wrote: Shao Wu, I’m sorry. What I said that day was too harsh. I want to apologize. I hope I didn’t hurt you.
Shao Wu stood there holding his phone for a very, very long time. Then he replied: We’re still friends, right?
Yang Shuyi answered almost immediately: Of course we are friends.
Shao Wu let out a long breath and felt as though those five words had carved away more than half his soul. Yang Shuyi was like an unwitting hunter who made a feint, only for the shot to land squarely in Shao Wu’s chest.
He remembered the walk home from the café. First, second, third. What was the third thing again? Right. The third was the selfish thought he had no choice but to admit: Yongchuan was Yang Shuyi’s home too. Grandma and Longlong were here. Yang Shuyi would always have to come back to Yongchuan eventually, wouldn’t he?
Yongchuan was the strongest connection between them.