Mr. Pei Zhixun had actually come to New York this time for an exchange event held by the Sino-American Screenwriters Association’s board, bringing his wife Xu Qishang with him as part of an official delegation that would stop in several major cities along the East Coast. The two of them were normally busy too, often traveling at home and abroad for work or public events. They generally did not report detailed itineraries to their son. Everyone simply handled their own affairs.
That was why they had been able to reach San Diego in time to visit him, then take another flight home with him.
Pei Yan returned home through a special airport passage, was transferred by stretcher trolley into a nanny van, and left behind a crowd of fans carrying flowers and gifts who had come to see him and chased after the car unwilling to let him go…
After that, he truly stopped working for nearly a month. No shoots, no public appearances. He had Wang Yuanling push all his jobs back. He wanted to rest, empty himself out for a while, and think some things through carefully.
In truth, he had gotten out of bed long ago and was bouncing around alive again, well enough to run and play ball at Wang Jue’s fitness club. Every evening he spent hours at his buddy’s gym, playing a game of squash with Wang Jue. He did not dare drink much, so they mostly talked.
He leaned back in a lounge chair, long legs stretched out, hot sweat streaming from his head along with the heat in his heart.
Wang Jue tossed aside his racket and came to sit with him. He too was a big, rough-looking guy built out of slabs of hard muscle, heavy and solid wherever he sat.
"That trip wasn’t easy on you?" Wang Jue slapped his thigh. "Look at you, tormented until you’re sallow and skinny, face all haggard."
"Yeah." Pei Yan stared at a point straight ahead. "For him, I’ve grown thin with longing. That’s about how it feels."
Elio’s Notes: Pei Yan is riffing on a famous line from Liu Yong’s poem Butterflies in Love with Flowers: for the beloved, one grows thin and haggard without regret.
"Are you serious?" Wang Jue looked incredulous. "You?!"
"I miss him quite a lot," Pei Yan admitted.
"Fuck… then hurry up and buy a ticket and go back!" Wang Jue said.
"It’s too far away… and he hasn’t contacted me on his own. He doesn’t feel that way about me… Doesn’t look like I’ve got much of a chance." Pei Yan sounded melancholy.
"I’ve seriously never seen you like this." Wang Jue stared at him. "You’re for real? Then go."
"I’ll fucking think about it a little longer. Whether to retreat because it’s hard, or… charge straight at the difficulty." Pei Yan stared at the wall opposite him, a solid fortress that looked utterly impossible to break. If he smashed it barehanded, he would definitely bleed, but he could not exactly bring heavy equipment and bulldoze the thing flat either.
Speaking of which, Uncle Johnny had been a true friend. That same day, he had tirelessly rummaged through several bags of trash the ER had packed up and left in the corridor, finally finding a strip of bloodstained clothing. The thing looked like an excavated relic that had survived the ravages of history, stained with ancient blood, dust, and mud, but he figured it had to be the right one.
Johnny Wu later told him, dried blood is hard to test, but I checked for you. Mr. Zhuang is type AB. People with that blood type all have weird personalities. I figure he’s hard to deal with.
Pei Yan said, I’m type O. I’m not weird. Everybody loves me.
Johnny Wu shook his head. Heh. You’re certainly very O. Single-track mind, silly little thing.
*
"Hey, is his body good? That’s what really attracts you?" Wang Jue grinned now, flexing the solid dark muscles on his shoulders and arms. "How does he compare to me?"
"He’s a good person, ridiculously handsome, great body too. Extremely attractive." Pei Yan rolled his eyes at him. "You’re no challenge at all. You can’t even win a single game against me. Boring… I’m done playing."
"What the hell is wrong with you? I’m nice enough to practice with you at all. My private-training rate is six hundred an hour, okay!" Wang Jue glared at him.
"A guy like you can still find somebody! Put you up for sale and nobody would buy you!"
His buddy threw that line back at him.
Pei Yan had always had impossibly high standards and looked down on practically everyone. It was rare for him to meet a dish that suited his palate. If it were Zhuang Xiao, they could trade blows evenly enough to make a real match of it. Even playing ball with him would be more interesting than practicing with anybody else.
The problem was that the other man’s intentions were impossible to read. He stayed half-close and half-distant and simply gave Pei Yan no opening. With someone like that, Pei Yan could not just put his hands on him and fool around. He did not dare do anything disrespectful or undignified.
*
Back at the company, he sat obediently and listened while that flock of old godfathers and aunties lectured him and discussed business, planning the next stage of his career.
Wang Yuanling stroked that eye-catching bald head, her gaze full of affection. "You went out once and came back injured and sick. We can’t let the whole trip be for nothing! This time you’ve at least made a little name for yourself. If more opportunities come up, the company will keep fighting for projects over there."
Pei Yan’s heart stirred. He agreed with unusual speed. "Okay."
Zhang Huan said, "Old Pei, you’re doing very well. You’re now ‘the next kung-fu star after Zhuang Xiao to successfully land in Hollywood and win recognition from major productions’…"
"Don’t." Pei Yan knew Zhang Huan was about to spray out another long piece of copy to irritate him and cut him off immediately. "Don’t compare me to Zhuang Xiao. I’m miles behind him. What, are we piggybacking on his popularity?"
"Who’s piggybacking on whose?" Zhang Huan laughed. "You’re hotter than he is domestically right now. You have more buzz! Stay out of the news for a few days and the heat drops. Stay out of the country for a few months and the audience forgets you. If you don’t fill that position, who can?"
Zhang Huan had already explained and apologized for the previous incident. The hype articles had quietly been withdrawn and everything had died down. Yet Pei Yan discovered he simply did not like hearing Zhang Huan talk, especially when Zhuang Xiao came up. Somehow the man managed to poke exactly where it irritated him every time.
"That’s also the truth," Wang Yuanling said more tactfully. "With your image and market position, there aren’t many trendy newcomers who can compete with you. Other people may have a face like this, but they can’t fight, so they simply can’t beat you. You can absolutely fill that space and keep climbing."
Pei Yan understood that the old auntie, Zhang Huan, and the others were thinking correctly. They were exhausting themselves planning and paving a road for him. None of them meant him harm. If money was made, everyone made it together. He just had other things turning over in his mind…
Wang Yuanling also said, "We’ll try to get you a role in a major network co-production too. For example, the Chinese role in Knights of the Distant Stars."
Pei Yan’s sleepy eyes opened immediately. "Isn’t that the TV series Zhuang Xiao is in?"
It was Fox’s flagship drama, a science-fiction superhero action series that had been filming for years. Zhuang Xiao had appeared in at least three seasons. The show was a hit in America and later became popular back home too, both in the original English version and fan-subbed releases online. Pei Yan had secretly followed the series himself without missing a single episode.
Pei Yan said, "Are you kidding?"
Zhang Huan and the others looked completely serious. "We’re not joking. We’re looking for an opening right now. We want to get you in too!"
The little flame that had just been cooling in Pei Yan’s heart was teased back to life. The conference table held the company’s late-night snacks, spicy crayfish and skewers, filling the whole room with a hot, fragrant smell that hooked straight into the soul.
"Dragon Battles Heaven’s Pass got delayed too. One of the other leads ran into trouble, and people are tearing each other apart online. The delay actually lines up perfectly with your schedule. A lucky accident. Baby, get ready to join the production next month!" Wang Yuanling pushed through the huge platter of crayfish with two fingers. Everyone circled the table, fingers getting busy as they started to eat.
Pei Yan ate at lightning speed and quickly accumulated a mountain of shells.
"Master, is there anything you don’t eat?" An assistant with slower fingers could not compete.
"I burn a lot of energy," Pei Yan said around a mouthful, peeling shells with squirrel-like efficiency.
"Too much secret jerking off at night?" the assistant said. "Give your dick a rest."
"…"
"Get the fuck out!!" Pei Yan grabbed a bamboo skewer and made as if to fling it. The junior assistant yelped and fled out of range before getting nailed to the wall by a stick.
The base of Pei Yan’s ears felt hot. The ear with the stud abruptly turned red.
He felt as if he were the one pinned painfully to the wall, his unbearable secret poked directly. He really had been secretly jerking off too much at night, and always while thinking about one specific person.
There was still some time before Dragon Battles Heaven’s Pass began filming. That day, Pei Yan contacted Zhuang Xiao by WeChat instead of calling him.
People were like this. The longer an emotion fermented and the fuller it became, the harder it was to know what to say. In the end, the two of them simply went straight to the point.
Pei Yan wrote: 【Are you in Los Angeles? I’m coming over.】
Zhuang Xiao replied: 【On set, not far from home. What’s up?】
Pei Yan: 【Only staying two days. Coming over to clear my head, and I’ll stop by to see you while I’m there. You don’t mind, right?】
Zhuang Xiao: 【Why would I mind? Come.】
Pei Yan: 【I’ll contact you when I land tomorrow. Dinner’s on me.】
A smile surfaced on Pei Yan’s face without permission. He stared at the screen and typed an unbelievably childish emoticon. He did not expect someone like Zhuang Xiao to answer with one. Once a person’s head was occupied by somebody else, there was not enough capacity left. His IQ started running out of credit. Fucking stupid.
To his surprise, Zhuang Xiao sent back a short video and nearly delighted him into passing out…
Fuck. The workaholic was on set, and the action unit was shooting through the night. From the set, it looked like Knights of the Distant Stars. A simulated spacecraft structure dozens of meters high stood in the open lot. Stunt performers in black armored uniforms wandered through the moving camera frame like ghosts haunting a film set, while a blaze of lights shone in the distance.
Pei Yan watched it several times. 【Which one is you?】
Zhuang Xiao said: 【I’m the one filming the video!】
Pei Yan thought, Have somebody next to you film it. I want to see you. Why would I look at everybody else?
He typed half the sentence, then silently deleted it.
*
When they met again, it was the next evening. Zhuang Xiao drove home after wrapping for the day and happened to pick up Mr. Pei halfway along his journey.
"Why wouldn’t you tell me your flight time?" Zhuang Xiao leaned his head out the window, casually pinched out his cigarette, and had his hair combed neatly. His smile was still calm and captivating, impossible to see through at a glance, yet always tempting people to look deeper into those eyes and try to touch whatever lay beneath.
"I didn’t want you picking me up and delaying your shoot." Pei Yan stood there alone with a bag, dressed in an ordinary shirt and jeans, travel-worn from the journey. He flashed his trademark careless grin. "Came out to wander around for a couple days. Sorry to impose. Thanks for taking me in!"
Zhuang Xiao said, "Impose whenever you like."
Pei Yan did not bother pretending politeness. "I’m a stranger here. I don’t know anybody. I really don’t have anywhere else to go."
With the Los Angeles studios located where they were, actors in the industry could commute easily. When work ended, they went home, usually living in satellite cities within an hour or two’s drive. Stars who cared about pomp might simply fly home by private plane. Zhuang Xiao had no taste for show. He drove himself.
"Are you free, or did you come for business?" Zhuang Xiao asked.
"Old Wu had me come audition for something, meet a director," Pei Yan answered vaguely. "Nothing definite. Might not happen."
He asked, "Are you going back to set tomorrow? Can I visit? I’d like to see how a major production works. I’ve got nothing else to do."
Zhuang Xiao said, "I moved this week’s day off to tomorrow. I’ll entertain you."
"That’s friendship." Pei Yan covered half his face with his baseball cap as he smiled. "Light a cigarette. You’re allowed one, don’t hold it in! Open the window, open the window!"
He turned and studied Zhuang Xiao’s handsome profile against the sunset, unable to resist asking, "Tired? I can drive."
Zhuang Xiao said, "Not tired."
"Oh, right. A car doesn’t go into somebody else’s hands. Forgot that rule." Pei Yan teased him. "Only two things you never lend out. Your car for somebody else to drive, and your wife for somebody else to use."
"Then after you say that, I definitely can’t let you drive," Zhuang Xiao snorted. "No wife. This beat-up car is the only thing that’s stayed faithful to me!"
The evening sun spilled through the car window, laying an ordinary, vivid sheen across the road ahead.
It was simply the same sunset temperature every evening had carried for more than twenty years, yet somehow at some bend in the road ahead, it made a person feel that something had become different from before.
Drifting out to the edge of the glittering world of fame and wealth, this place instead came closer to the calm, real life of ordinary people. All the company’s grand career plans and ambitions for the entertainment industry formed a stark contrast to the plainness of driving home at this hour. When Pei Yan had first tried to break into Hollywood and desperately wanted to know Zhuang Xiao, his mindset had already quietly veered far off its original course… Though he still desperately wanted to "know" Zhuang Xiao now, the meaning and purpose were completely different, yet somehow led to the same destination.
The boundless glamour ordinary people imagined around Hollywood stars was only the spectacular surface for actors like Pei Yan and Zhuang Xiao. The road underneath was brutally hard. Pei Yan had done the math himself. Spend months bleeding and sweating on a set, get seriously ill once, and the dollars he earned still could not match doing a few variety shows back home where he pretended to run and fall. If he came again, it would not be for fame or money. He did not think Zhuang Xiao was here for the money either.
On a major production, the lead might take ten million dollars while supporting actors received only a few hundred thousand each. Anyone who came purely to make money would have died broke here long ago.
Zhuang Xiao took him back to his home in Irvine, then called a small group of local friends and arranged dinner.
They were all Chinese, their own people. A few sentences after meeting, everyone was chatting naturally. They found a Japanese izakaya, sake with sushi and seafood, the atmosphere comfortable. Pei Yan really only wanted to see Zhuang Xiao and had no particular interest in anyone else, but he understood Mr. Zhuang’s good intentions. Zhuang Xiao did not want him bored and lonely and had brought him out to meet people.
Pei Yan could drink. Anyone with a bold drinking-table personality found it easy to make drinking buddies.
"Didn’t you say you’re a stranger here?" Zhuang Xiao told him. "Now you know people. Next time you come, you absolutely won’t be homeless with nowhere to stay."
"I just arrived and you’re already trying to dump your burden?" Pei Yan looked at him.
"I’m not dumping you. There’s no alcohol in my house," Zhuang Xiao said. "Not even half a bottle! Pry up my floors and dig the place hollow, you still won’t find what you want to drink."
Pei Yan lowered his lashes and smiled. I crossed half the world to come to your house. You think your floor is what I want to pry open?
Among the friends at dinner was a fair-skinned young man with big eyes who was very good-looking, named Liang Youhui. Zhuang Xiao pointed at him and introduced him to Pei Yan. "Go to him. His family may not have much else, but they’ve got every kind of alcohol."
Liang Youhui ran a wine business locally in California. He was cheerful, loved having fun, and spoke loudly. After one night of talking, the two sides were already familiar. Young Master Liang dressed carefully and wore a diamond stud in his left ear. Pei Yan secretly sized him up from head to toe several times and noticed the other man covertly assessing his chest and lower body too. He understood at once.
Good-looking. Nice ass. Obviously slutty. Not his type.
Then Pei Yan’s thoughts wavered. Why was Zhuang Xiao introducing him to this kind of friend?
Had Zhuang Xiao figured him out?
Liang Youhui had thoughtfully brought several bottles of good wine himself and was already bleary-eyed from drinking. "Being friends with you is incredibly frustrating, Xiao-ge. I can’t even offer you my good stuff as tribute and bribery! You seriously don’t touch a single drop!"
Zhuang Xiao narrowed his eyes at him. "Not interested. Not my thing."
Liang Youhui grinned. "I’d really love to know what your thing actually is."
Zhuang Xiao: "Never seen it?"
Liang Youhui shook his head. "I honestly haven’t seen what your thing is. None of us has!"
Zhuang Xiao pointed him toward Pei Yan. "Drink with Old Pei at the same table. He’ll give you an incredible sense of accomplishment. When you go back home, do business with him and earn his money."
The good bottles Liang Youhui had brought were all drunk to the bottom by Mr. Pei. Whatever brand or quality arrived, he could handle it. Liang Youhui selected the most expensive vintage with the best flavor and specially poured a glass, pushing it in front of Zhuang Xiao.
"Xiao-ge, this is genuinely good wine. I do this for a living. I don’t bullshit my friends.
"If you’ve never had it, never tasted this flavor, you’ve lost out. You’ve lived for nothing!"
Liang Youhui watched Zhuang Xiao and tried to tempt him with wine. Zhuang Xiao did not bite. His fingers did not even move. Teasing him was useless. When he said he did not drink, he did not drink.
Xiao-ge.
Pei Yan silently repeated those two syllables in his head: Xiao-ge. He had repeated them dozens of times tonight already.
Without the slightest courtesy, he intercepted that glass of red wine right off the table and drank it for Zhuang Xiao, emptying it in one swallow…
The two of them sat together on the same sofa seat, pressed close. There was no need for pointless chatter. They simply felt one step closer to each other than either was to everyone else, though nothing genuinely intimate had happened.
When they went to the restroom, Zhuang Xiao told him, "Liang Youhui usually hangs around Chaoyang District. That’s very close to you. He’s a decent guy, and reliable in business."
Pei Yan adjusted his zipper and waistband, then looked up sharply at Zhuang Xiao. "He’s gay, right? Looks like it."
"Maybe. I never asked in detail and I haven’t met his partner." There was no particular expression on Zhuang Xiao’s lips. "His partner seems to be from Tianjin. Half a fellow townsman of yours?"
The breath Pei Yan had been holding rose and fell again, his emotions going through several rounds. Then he figured Zhuang Xiao probably had not noticed anything at all. He had simply introduced an ordinary friend over dinner. Zhuang Xiao did not pay special attention to other people’s private lives, nor was he nosy enough to dig and pry. Pei Yan was the one thinking too much… This anxious, gain-and-loss mood was practically killing him.