The story of how a certain Xiao Bai met a certain Great God began, for the most part, with an emergency attempt to patch up one beautiful mistake.
Elio’s Notes:
- Xiao Bai (小白) literally means “Little Bai,” but it is also common slang for a newbie, novice, or naïve beginner. Here it works both as Zeng Bai’s nickname and as a description of him.
- Great God (大神) is internet/fandom slang for someone exceptionally accomplished or impressive. I’m keeping it literal because the novel later plays on the near-homophone 大婶, “auntie.”
On the subject, a certain former celebrity host—who had not even been present but had nevertheless played a crucial role as matchmaker—later said, “In this matter, I fully demonstrated the responsibilities and obligations that a supporting character ought to shoulder. Regrettably, the world has never given me the appreciation I deserve.”
Because of this remark, the media also interviewed a certain famous director who had long worked with said former host. His response was, “A person shouldn’t be too shameless. A host especially shouldn’t be. Otherwise, NCC will turn into CNN.”
Elio’s Notes:
- The CNN gag comes from a then-current Chinese internet joke treating CNN as the benchmark for shameless media reporting; the poll’s punchline is therefore that even the shameless former host still cannot beat CNN.
The exchange caused an uproar online. A netizen on the country’s most famous forum, the Boundless Sea and Sky Forum, started a poll on the moral character of the former host in question. There were three options—A, B, and C:
A certain former host is shameless.
A certain former host is more shameless than CNN.
A certain former host is not as shameless as CNN.
The poll remained open for one week. Throughout that week, A and C stayed neck and neck, and the suspense lasted right up until the final second!
In the end, option C, with 526,528 votes, narrowly defeated option A, with 519,856 votes.
The Boundless Sea and Sky Forum closed the matter with one final declaration: “CNN is invincible.”
All of that was merely a little side story spawned by our two protagonists. Now, let us get to the actual story.
It was a beautiful day, with gentle breezes and a cloudless blue sky.
Ever since GO! GO! SU… SUPER STAR first went on air, its ratings had sat comfortably in the twenties with thirty in sight. Every celebrity invited onto the show was a major name; anyone even slightly less famous had to come as part of a group.
The show’s hosts, Luo Pei Jue and Shi Da Ming, had ridden that momentum straight to the top and become NCC Television’s flagship hosts. For two consecutive years, they had also won the audience-voted award for “My Favorite Hosting Duo.”
So, until today, Director Chen Fei had been living a very comfortable life. Shi Da Ming went without saying—he was a veteran host, practically a walking textbook. Give him three lines and he could produce a highlight; whatever the script demanded, he always delivered above and beyond. As for Luo Pei Jue, well, he was a little lazy, but at least he wasn’t stupid. He followed the script, looked good, and audiences liked him. At this rate, keeping the show going for at least another year would have been no problem.
Unfortunately, that assessment had only remained true until today.
As for today—
“Damn you, Luo Pei Jue! I’m going to kill you—!”
The gale of fury blasting off Chen Fei swept through the studio like a passing typhoon, instantly annihilating every living thing in its path.
The lighting technician looked up fearfully at the swaying light overhead. That was the third one already.
“Great God is here,” the junior assistant whispered to the famous director whose face had gone livid from raging.
Chen Fei’s expression transformed instantly. His smile blossomed like an entire bouquet of roses as he ingratiatingly greeted Yan Su Ang, who was approaching surrounded by studio staff. “You’re here so early?”
Yan Su Ang gave him a smile that did not reach his eyes. “We go live in ten minutes.”
Chen Fei’s smile froze. “My, how time flies.” Damn you, Luo Pei Jue! I’m going to kill you, kill you, kill you—boohoo, what am I supposed to do if the live broadcast goes dead?
His smile glittered beneath the lights while, on the inside, he was crying a river.
“Luo Pei Jue still isn’t here?” Great God swept his gaze around the studio.
“Well…” Chen Fei struggled internally. “He… he… he’s sick. Very seriously sick. He can barely get out of bed.”
Great God’s gaze shot toward him. “Oh.”
Chen Fei steadied himself.
“So he went to Qingdao to recuperate.”
A. BOLT. FROM. THE. BLUE!
Chen Fei’s eyes flew open dramatically. “How do you know he went to Qingdao?”
Great God raised his phone. “He texted me.”
Chen Fei crouched in a corner and cried. He had lied to Great God—boohoo—and had even been shamelessly exposed in public!
“Damn you, Luo Pei Jue! I’m going to kill you—!”
The assistant apologized to Great God. “The director has intermittent episodes.”
Great God nodded sympathetically. “Looks difficult to cure.”
Shi Da Ming kept reading the script while glancing distractedly in their direction. “Director Chen, seven minutes left.”
Chen Fei sprang upright, his tears vanishing instantly. “Where are the substitutes?”
“Here!”
The assistant pushed a handcart in through the doorway. “They’re all here. Take your pick. Rock-bottom clearance prices.”
More than a dozen people were piled together like dead fish at a market. Judging from the scene alone, one could easily have mistaken the present day for the age of slavery.
Chen Fei swept his gaze over them. “Women, OUT!”
The assistant protested, “That’s gender discrimination!”
Chen Fei pointed off to one side. “Look.”
“Great God, your pecs are so firm!”
“Great God, your hair looks amazing!”
“Great God, your lips are so sexy!”
“Great God, even your shirt buttons are awesome…”
Great God promptly disappeared beneath a sea of women.
The assistant wiped away a bead of cold sweat. “Never mind. Three men left. Number One!”
Number One stepped forward.
His long hair was white as snow, and he looked like an antique piece of blue-and-white porcelain. Unless he had arrived through a time machine, he was basically a relic.
Chen Fei pointed at Shi Da Ming. “We already have a dad here. We don’t need a grandpa.”
Shi Da Ming bit the script aggrievedly.
The assistant said in a trembling voice, “Number Two.”
If the previous one had merely been on the verge of becoming a relic, this one already was one.
Chen Fei said sympathetically, “If your plastic surgery failed, sue them. Don’t suffer in silence.”
The assistant covered his face. “Number… Three.”
Chen Fei suddenly felt as though a ray of golden light had flashed before his eyes.
A cute boy with large, sparkling eyes stood there looking utterly innocent. Against the bizarre assortment surrounding him, he seemed as pure and flawless as an angel.
“Him!” Chen Fei decided on the spot. Even among the shorties, one could still find a general! He sized up the boy’s height. “How tall are you?”
The boy tilted his head up and blinked his adorable eyes. “One meter sixty-five.”
“Mm. Not that much shorter than Luo Pei Jue.”
—On the plane, Luo Pei Jue thought resentfully: I’m one seventy-eight! Seventy-eight!
Snap!
At a snap of his fingers, the women automatically parted to either side. Great God looked at the boy with a smile. “Not bad.”
The atmosphere instantly turned pink. Peach blossoms seemed to burst into bloom one after another throughout the studio.
Shi Da Ming looked left, then right, before saying very quietly, “I really don’t want to say this, but I have to… We go live in two minutes.”
“What’s your name?” Chen Fei shoved him in front of the camera.
“Zeng Bai.”
“Mm. Xiao Bai, what did you do before this?”
“I sold pork.”
Chen Fei nearly spat. “Didn’t you graduate from some prestigious arts university?”
Zeng Bai nodded. “Mm-hm.”
The director relaxed slightly. Graduating from an arts university and then selling pork to experience life firsthand… Well, that was possible.
Zeng Bai added, “No, I didn’t.”
……
Then why the hell did you nod?! Wasn’t that just wasting his emotions?!
Chen Fei rapped him on the head several times.
The assistant nervously warned from the side, “Ten seconds left.”
“…Cut to commercials!”
“Huh?!” Shi Da Ming stared at him stupidly.
Did the director mean they were going to cut to commercials the instant the show began?
And so, on that particular day, the viewers sitting in front of their televisions waiting for GO! GO! SU… SUPER STAR saw the following—
“Hello, everyone. I’m your host, Shi Da Ming.”
Before Shi Da Ming’s smile had even fully formed, the camera abruptly cut away. A gigantic black hole appeared onscreen. A bird-man flew out of it clutching a bottle of milk and proclaimed heroically, “For melamine-free milk, we fear no darkness!”
Elio’s Notes:
- “Melamine-free milk” reflects the source’s 无三奶, a compressed joke referring to milk without melamine.
Chen Fei sent a script flying straight into Zeng Bai’s face. “Read from this! If there’s a problem, smile. If there isn’t a problem, smile anyway! Leave everything else to Da Ming.”
At this point, he could only try to revive a dead horse.
He looked devoutly toward the heavens and prayed: Buddha, please protect us… Amen!
The countdown began.
Great God took his place on the glittering golden throne.
Shi Da Ming straightened his clothes.
The makeup artist desperately powdered Xiao Bai’s face.
“ACTION!”
The viewers in front of their televisions were finally liberated from the overwhelming flood of commercials.
At that moment, Shi Da Ming’s smile had never seemed more warm and familiar.
“Heh heh, Luo Pei Jue, what happened to your face? What kind of plastic surgery did you get?” Shi Da Ming leered at Xiao Bai, who sat beside him.
Xiao Bai looked down at the script, then declared righteously, “That line isn’t written here.”
Shi Da Ming was weeping rivers on the inside, but his expression remained impeccably professional. “Don’t change the subject! The audience wants to know why, after not seeing you for one week, you suddenly look like this.”
Intimidated by his tone, Xiao Bai ducked his head and mumbled, “Even if you’d seen me every day this week, I’d still look like this.”
Shi Da Ming gave him an approving look. No stage fright, and he could improvise. Not bad. The kid had potential.
He sprang dramatically to his feet and pointed at him. “Don’t tell me you’re not Luo Pei Jue!”
Finally, he had managed to steer them onto the right topic.
“Mm. I’m Zeng Bai.”
Shi Da Ming pointed at his heavily powdered face and burst out laughing. “No need for any more whitening. Your face is already whitewashed like a wall!”
Elio’s Notes:
- Zeng Bai (曾白) sounds like 增白, “to whiten” or “make whiter,” which is why Shi Da Ming jokes that his heavily powdered face does not need any more “whitening.”
Covered in a thick layer of powder, Xiao Bai stared blankly at the enormous cue card Director Chen was holding up. He slowly read it aloud, one character at a time.
“Still better than your… some gray powder.”
……
Yan Su Ang and Chen Fei simultaneously stared speechlessly at the words actually written on the card:
“Still better than your coal dust.”
Elio’s Notes:
- Xiao Bai misreads the cue card: the card actually says 煤炭粉, “coal dust/powder,” but he reads it as the nonsensical 某灰粉, roughly “some gray/ash powder.”
Shi Da Ming turned toward the camera. “Everyone sitting in front of their televisions must be wondering why the person beside me is Zeng Bai instead of Luo Pei Jue. That’s because…”
He drew out the last syllable.
After holding it for ten whole seconds and realizing his new partner had absolutely no intention of picking up the cue, he finally had to continue on his own.
“He ran away with another man.”
Smack!
He slammed the script onto the table, shot angrily to his feet, and roared at the camera, “Damn you, Luo Pei Jue! If you’ve got the guts to leave, then don’t ever come back! How dare you abandon me?! I’m furious! What’s wrong with me? What part of me can’t compare to him?!”
After venting, he turned around and found Xiao Bai staring blankly at him.
“What kind of expression is that?”
Xiao Bai suddenly walked over, patted him on the head, and said, “Don’t be sad.”
Shi Da Ming turned to stone.
Below the stage, Chen Fei frantically gestured at him. This wasn’t a one-man show! Great God was practically being air-dried over there! He was still counting on Great God’s popularity to push this episode’s ratings past thirty percent!
Shi Da Ming clapped his hands. “Let us welcome today’s guest: a megastar of film and television, a super star of the music world, the man of every woman’s dreams, and every man’s natural-born rival in love… Yan—Su—Ang!”
The camera whipped around.
Yan Su Ang lounged against the throne, one hand supporting his chin, the corner of his mouth curved faintly upward, like a majestic sovereign surveying all beneath heaven.
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