The show settled into its normal format.
Shi Da Ming fully lived up to his reputation as a variety-show veteran worth two ordinary hosts, controlling the pace from beginning to end.
Xiao Bai only appeared when they tossed to commercials or pulled back to a wide shot. But he obediently followed the director’s instructions, so for nearly the entire hour-long recording, he sat off to the side by himself and smiled foolishly for almost an hour straight.
Near the end, Yan Su Ang suddenly smiled at Xiao Bai. “Spacing out?”
Xiao Bai answered blankly, “No. I was listening to you guys talk.”
“Interesting?”
“Mm. More interesting than the auntie upstairs from my place.”
…The auntie upstairs from my place.
…The auntie upstairs from my place.
Shi Da Ming was completely petrified.
Chen Fei stared wide-eyed at the monitor, then slowly crumpled as those seven syllables echoed over and over again in his head.
The camera on the cameraman’s shoulder trembled nonstop.
Only Great God’s expression remained relatively normal. But if one looked closely, the doll the program had specially made in his likeness had already been squeezed completely out of shape in his hand.
Shi Da Ming said tearfully, “Thank you for joining us today, Yan Su Ang.” The unspoken meaning was: Great God, sorry you had to suffer through this.
Yan Su Ang rubbed his nose. “Actually, I really like watching your show.”
Chen Fei relaxed. Thank goodness. Great God still cared about them. So even if there had been one tiny little problem, surely he would be understanding.
“But you should probably hurry up and drag Luo Pei Jue back.”
A burst of canned ha ha ha! rang out, and this nerve-racking episode finally drew to a close.
As Great God was leaving, Chen Fei suddenly became so busy he was practically working himself to death, darting up and down and racing all over the studio.
His back, his profile, and the sweat pouring off him all proclaimed the same thing: he was busy. Very busy. Extremely busy.
Yan Su Ang smiled at Shi Da Ming. “Tell Director Chen I’m leaving.”
“Mm-hm. Take care.”
“Tomorrow’s New Songs This Month is Director Chen’s show too, isn’t it?”
Shi Da Ming’s mighty frame jolted. He had almost forgotten that Great God had only come onto GO! GO! SU… SUPER STAR to promote his new album.
“So I should still be able to see Director Chen tomorrow.”
…Shi Da Ming watched Great God’s tall, striking figure walk away and silently prayed for Director Chen’s safety.
The instant Yan Su Ang was out the door, Chen Fei sprang back to life. “Zeng… Bai… get over here!”
Xiao Bai was sitting in a chair wondering when he would get paid. The instant he heard Chen Fei call him, his eyes lit up and he eagerly trotted over.
The script in Chen Fei’s hand went smack, smack! against his forehead. “You, you, you—are you a pig?! You actually compared an auntie to Great God…”
An eerie silence fell around them.
“Oh, no. I mean—you actually compared an auntie to Great God!”
…How was that any different from what he had just said?
The eerie silence continued.
“Anyway!” Chen Fei resumed his tirade, unleashing all the pent-up frustration Luo Pei Jue had caused him in one explosive burst. “Do you even know what kind of show this is? Do you know how hard it is for a pork seller like you to get onto a show like this? Do you know—damn it, who dragged a pork seller in here?! Isn’t the market two streets away?” He wheeled around and roared at the assistant.
The assistant shrank back. “I don’t know! I saw him standing in the hallway, and he looked pretty good…”
“Giant pandas look even better! Why didn’t you drag one of those in?” Chen Fei nearly coughed up blood. He spun around and pointed furiously at Xiao Bai’s nose. “Why were you standing around in the hallway for no reason? Speak!”
Xiao Bai said, “I came here to apply for a job.”
“And?”
“I couldn’t find where I was supposed to apply.” Xiao Bai sounded aggrieved. “I asked him for directions, and he dragged me here.”
The assistant no longer dared look at Chen Fei’s face.
“I… forget it.” Chen Fei rubbed his face. “What’s done is done. Sigh. I just hope Great God doesn’t take it to heart. You’re Zeng Bai, right? Go home for now.”
Xiao Bai said quietly, “You haven’t paid me yet.”
“I haven’t—” Chen Fei nearly choked. “Do you actually think I’d stiff you?!”
Xiao Bai said nothing. But those doe-like eyes betrayed exactly that concern.
Chen Fei was utterly defeated. “Leave your contact information with him before you go. I’ll put in a request for your payment.” Damn it, how was he supposed to file a payment request for someone who was neither station staff, a guest, nor an extra, yet had somehow ended up guest-hosting the show?
Only after leaving his phone number and home address did Xiao Bai finally depart, still looking half-convinced.
Meanwhile, NCC’s official website, Great God’s official website, and the official GO! GO! SU… SUPER STAR website were all being mercilessly bombarded by netizens. Even Shi Da Ming and Luo Pei Jue were unable to escape the tail end of the storm.
All the posts centered on the following questions:
Question 1: What on earth had Luo Pei Jue gone off to do?
He might not have been hugely famous, but he was still reasonably popular, so the topic quickly conquered all the major forums. Fans, non-fans, people who knew him, and people who had no idea who he was all came to chime in. In the end, the moderator of the Boundless Sea and Sky Forum analyzed and categorized all the answers, producing the following theories:
Speculation 1:
Luo Pei Jue had, just as Shi Da Ming said, run off and eloped with someone.
Most of the supporters of this theory were fujoshi. They swore up and down that they had noticed ages ago that the way classmate Shi Da Ming looked at Luo Pei Jue was anything but ordinary. There was practically a spark of electricity every three seconds. And every time Luo Pei Jue drank water, Shi Da Ming would unconsciously lick his lips afterward—this was blatant perving! Shameless sexual fantasizing!
Elio’s Notes:
- 童鞋, literally “children’s shoes,” is playful Chinese internet slang based on its similar sound to 同学, “classmate.” We’re rendering it as “classmate” when the forum posters use it.
Later, Luo Pei Jue discovered this forbidden love, became so frightened that he fled for his life with his own lover, and off they went to elope!
Speculation 2:
Classmate Luo Pei Jue had been murdered.
The supporters of this theory were fujoshi with slightly higher IQs and slightly more twisted minds. They believed Speculation 1 was merely the superficial explanation. Even if Luo Pei Jue discovered Shi Da Ming’s feelings for him, there was no way he would simply turn and run. Obviously, he would first ask Shi Da Ming out for a talk. They would have a beer together, and after three rounds of drinks, once the atmosphere had ripened, Luo Pei Jue would earnestly and patiently counsel him, hoping to guide him back onto the proper path so he could achieve Buddhahood on the spot.
Unfortunately, things had obviously spiraled out of control. Shi Da Ming might look kind, amiable, honest, and easy to bully on the surface, but Gu Long had said it himself: Honest Monk wasn’t honest. Therefore, classmate Shi Da Ming’s kindness, amiability, honesty, and apparent harmlessness were all nothing but a false façade! In reality, he was the Jack the Ripper of the East! If he couldn’t have something, then no one else would be allowed to have it either. And so classmate Luo Pei Jue had gloriously become the dog food at his house.
Elio’s Notes:
- “Honest Monk isn’t honest” plays on the name Honest Monk (老实和尚), the Gu Long reference used in the original.
- “Dog food” is literal in this particular murder fantasy: the joke is that Shi Da Ming supposedly killed Luo Pei Jue and fed him to the dog. It is not the modern fandom slang for public displays of affection.
Thus, they enthusiastically called on the police to search Shi Da Ming’s refrigerator, bathtub, and microwave.
This theory eventually spawned countless related threads, the most famous being 108 Ways to Destroy a Corpse and Erase the Evidence and How to Make Use of the Right Time, Right Place, and Right People to Commit Murder.
Speculation 3:
Classmate Luo Pei Jue had been kidnapped.
Rumor had it that he was the illegitimate son of Luo Ding Ou, the richest man in the city. The kidnappers accidentally discovered this secret and immediately sprang into action. Luo Ding Ou was now actively cooperating with the police in the hope that his son could be rescued as soon as possible.
Speculation 4:
Classmate Luo Pei Jue had offended the Italian Mafia.
Don’t ask how he managed to offend them. The point was, he had. He was currently being nailed to a cross to stand trial.
Amen.
In short, to the supporters of Speculations 2, 3, and 4, classmate Luo Pei Jue’s prospects were already extremely grim. Whether now or sometime in the future, he was clearly destined to die with a grudge and descend to the underworld.
Speculation 5:
In order to clear the way for classmate Zeng Bai, the GO! GO! SU… SUPER STAR production team had, in gloriously flashy fashion, “harmonized” Luo Pei Jue out of existence.
Elio’s Notes:
- “Harmonized” (和谐) is Chinese internet slang for something being censored, deleted, suppressed, or otherwise made to disappear.
Which led directly to Question 2—where exactly had classmate Zeng Bai come from?
No matter how skillfully the netizens wielded Baidu and Google, Zeng Bai’s past was as spotless and blank as his name. He was like a pie that had fallen straight out of the sky—before it dropped, nobody had the slightest idea where it had been hanging.
Elio’s Notes:
- 一清二白 literally evokes being completely “clear and white” and means utterly clean or aboveboard. The wording also jokes on Bai (白), “white,” in Zeng Bai’s name.
Then came another round of speculation, except this time there was unprecedented agreement—
Everyone believed classmate Zeng Bai had some incredibly powerful backing. Otherwise, how could he possibly have parachuted straight into a flagship program like this?
Thus, the guesses about his identity were as follows:
The illegitimate son of a high-ranking official.
—For some reason, netizens seemed extremely interested in illegitimate sons.
A pretty boy kept by a wealthy businessman.
A pretty boy kept by a rich woman.
—Although those two possibilities differed by only a single Chinese character, to the vast hordes of fujoshi, this was a matter of gong versus shou and absolutely could not be carelessly mixed up.
The son of some big shot at the television station.
…And so on.
Unfortunately, there were simply too few clues about Zeng Bai to gossip over. Even people inside the television station were completely in the dark, so after briefly flaring into existence, the thread soon sank out of sight again.
Question 3: Had Zeng Bai’s brain been soaked in sulfuric acid? How could he dare compare GO! GO! SU… SUPER STAR, NCC’s flagship program, to the neighborhood gossip of a bunch of aunties?
Not only had he insulted Great God and the production team, he had also insulted the countless viewers who were utterly obsessed with the show.
There was very little disagreement on this question. The condemnation was overwhelmingly one-sided.
Every now and then, a Great God anti would pop up to gloat, only to be swiftly beaten back down by the netizens’ collective broomsticks.
But no matter how fiercely things blazed online, to Xiao Bai it was all just smoke and clouds, smoke and clouds.
At that very moment, he was sleeping blissfully and dreaming of counting his appearance fee while Chen Fei, drenched in sweat from exhaustion, carried box after box of it over to him.
Dreams were always beautiful. Reality was always cruel.
The next day, Xiao Bai discovered that he was still lying on the same wooden plank bed, which went creak, creak beneath him.
He got up and washed his face, then saw a note Jia Zhi Qing had left on the table saying that breakfast, lunch, and dinner were all in the pot and he could eat whenever he got hungry.
Xiao Bai went to the stove and lifted the lid. An extra-large bowl of egg fried rice sat inside, quietly giving off its delicious aroma.
He casually picked up a spoon and was just about to eat when he heard the telephone ringing in Jia Zhi Qing’s room.
To save money, the entire place had only one landline, and it had been installed in Jia Zhi Qing’s room. Since nobody normally called for Xiao Bai anyway, he never answered it. Today, however, he hesitated before picking it up. After all, this was the number he had given Chen Fei’s assistant yesterday.
The music on the other end was extremely loud. He could only vaguely make out that the caller was a man.
This went on for a dozen seconds or so before the music finally quieted.
“Is this Zeng Bai?” The man spoke Mandarin, but with a strong local accent.
“Mm, this is him.” Xiao Bai felt a little surge of excitement. Could it be about his money?
“I’m Ma Rui, the boss of Yimate.”
Ah. Not NCC. Xiao Bai was a little disappointed, but he still pulled himself together. “Hello.”
“I wanted to ask whether you’re currently signed with a talent agency.”
“Huh? A talent… agency? Isn’t that something only celebrities have?” Xiao Bai asked foolishly, holding the receiver to his ear.
“So that’s a no. If you’re not signed with anyone, come to Yimate.” Ma Rui gave him the company’s address. “Got it?”
Xiao Bai watched his own hand, which had somehow started writing the address down of its own accord, and subconsciously answered, “Mm.”
“Then I’ll see you at two this afternoon.” Before Xiao Bai could answer, the other man had already hung up.
Xiao Bai remained frozen in place, one hand holding the receiver and the other still in the middle of writing, while their conversation replayed again and again in his head.
Yimate…?
A talent agency…?
Two this afternoon…?
Meet?!
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