The courier looked at the slip and confirmed it again. “Two packages in total. One for Mr. Su and one for Mr. Lu. Please take a look.”
Lu Sili and Su Yuan had both guessed what they were.
Luke had received a request for suppressants from Lu Sili and a request for artificial pheromones from Su Yuan, so he had sent both together.
Each of them signed for his own package.
They had just been joking that whichever arrived first, they would use first. Now that both had arrived together, what were they supposed to do?
“So what do we do?” Su Yuan braced one hand on the entryway cabinet as he changed his shoes and smiled with deliberate casualness.
The tips of Lu Sili’s ears turned red. “Either is fine.”
Su Yuan said, “Either is fine isn’t an answer. If we use the suppressant, you need to inject it in advance tonight. If we use the artificial pheromones, I won’t inject them until tomorrow when you need them. The timing is different.”
Of course you know everything!
Lu Sili looked up at Su Yuan.
Su Yuan’s smile faded slightly. Seeing that Lu Sili had finished changing his shoes, he crouched down and neatly arranged both pairs.
“Which one do you want to choose?” Lu Sili asked. After all, Su Yuan was the one who would have to cooperate.
Still half-crouched, Su Yuan looked up at Lu Sili. The movement of his Adam’s apple was obvious. “Of course I want to. I want to soothe you.”
Su Yuan saw the slight lift at the corners of Lu Sili’s mouth. Looking up at him from this angle, he could sense that tiny trace of proud, spoiled haughtiness. Cute and smug. He loved it.
“I’m hungry,” Lu Sili said.
Su Yuan smiled, stood, and put his bag away. “I’ll cook.”
Lu Sili thought about it. He did not have anything else to do, and the two of them had only just confessed their feelings. More interaction would be good. He also wanted to understand Su Yuan’s world properly.
“I’ll help you,” Lu Sili said.
“No!” Su Yuan reacted as though facing a crisis. While putting on his apron, he said, “I can do it myself. Go rest.”
Lu Sili pressed his lips together slightly. “All right. Then I’ll unpack the things we bought for the cat.”
The sounds of vegetables being washed and chopped came from the kitchen. By the entryway, opened boxes, cans, and the cat bed were piled together in disarray. Lu Sili had never imagined that one day he would live a life like this.
After unpacking everything they had bought, Lu Sili gathered the trash together and went downstairs to throw it away.
After leaving the trash outside, Lu Sili deliberately walked around the house once and even checked the garage, but he did not see the calico cat anywhere.
While he was lingering by the entrance, the property manager happened to pass by and greeted him.
“Are you looking for something, Mr. Lu?”
Lu Sili had come outside without a coat. He folded his arms across his chest against the cold and turned toward the property manager. “There’s a little calico cat. Have you seen her, Manager Li?”
Manager Li smiled. “I have. We currently have seven registered stray cats in the community, and there is indeed a little female calico. The property staff catch them for spaying or neutering and feed them too. If you want to adopt her, we can catch her for you.”
“Really? I didn’t know you did all that.” Lu Sili smiled.
Manager Li replied in an official tone, “All our homeowners are kind and caring people, so naturally the property staff follow their example.”
The subtle way Manager Li managed to praise his own team in every sentence made Lu Sili laugh. Manager Li agreed to help catch the cat, and after saying goodbye, Lu Sili went back upstairs.
The moment he stepped inside, he saw a sudden burst of flame in the kitchen. Startled, Lu Sili ran over without even putting his shoes on, only to reach the doorway and discover that Su Yuan was tossing a wok over a high flame.
“…” Lu Sili did not know whether to laugh or cry.
Lu Sili turned toward the living room. As he passed the dining table, he saw Su Yuan’s phone ringing.
“Your phone’s ringing!”
Su Yuan was busy showing off his chef skills. “Who is it?”
Lu Sili glanced at the screen. “Xiao Chen from Medical Affairs.”
“Who?” Another burst of flame flared in the kitchen. Su Yuan called loudly, “It’s fine. Answer it for me.”
Seeing that Su Yuan genuinely had his hands full, Lu Sili answered the call and put it on speaker.
“Hello,” Lu Sili said.
The person on the other end paused, then asked softly, “Is this Dr. Su?”
Lu Sili explained, “I’m his husband. He can’t answer the phone right now. What is it about? If it isn’t urgent, I can have him call you back later.”
“It’s not urgent.” The young man on the other end laughed. “You can just pass the message along. I’m about to get off work too.”
“All right. Go ahead,” Lu Sili said.
There was a faint rustle of papers from the phone. Xiao Chen said, “There’s one place on the advanced-training confirmation form Dr. Su submitted that’s missing the department director’s signature. Maybe the two sheets were stuck together and the director missed it. Tomorrow Dr. Su needs to come pick it up and have the director add the signature.”
“Advanced training? The Stanford one?” Lu Sili asked softly, his gaze drifting instinctively toward the kitchen.
Xiao Chen said, “Yes.”
Lu Sili lowered his eyes. Holding the phone, he could not stop himself from asking, “When is he leaving for the training?”
“Huh?” The person on the other end seemed confused and tried to explain. “Dr. Su isn’t going for advanced training. He’s giving up the placement.”
Lu Sili said, “Giving it up?”
“Yes…” Xiao Chen seemed to realize something. He took a deep breath and gave an awkward laugh. “Then I’ll trouble you to tell Dr. Su about the signature.”
“All right,” Lu Sili said.
After hanging up, Lu Sili saw that Su Yuan’s lock screen was the instant photo they had taken in Hokkaido. He wanted to look at it a little longer, but the screen quickly went dark.
Lu Sili swallowed softly and gently placed the phone back on the dining table.
Did he give it up because of me? Why would he do that?
His thoughts seemed covered by a thin veil. Lu Sili wanted to analyze the situation rationally, but no matter how he tried, his thinking would not go any further.
Helping him restore his health, helping him deal with his family, cooking and taking care of the house, standing thoughtfully at his side as the most proper companion at the gala, injecting artificial pheromones that had side effects on his own body in order to soothe him.
Su Yuan had done too much for him.
Before, Lu Sili could still tell himself that he was compensating Su Yuan financially too. But now it was different.
From the beginning, Lu Sili had felt Su Yuan’s kindness and had tried hard to return it. Later, when he learned that Su Yuan liked him, his own heart had been stirred too.
Although his plans had always included not having children, Lu Sili had never said he intended to remain single. He wanted to experience romantic love, friendship, and family affection too.
So when he realized that he had feelings for Su Yuan as well, Lu Sili was happy and expectant, but a faint worry always remained in his heart. He was afraid their relationship was unequal.
That imbalance had already existed from the moment Lu Sili realized Su Yuan liked him.
And now Su Yuan was giving up such a good advanced-training opportunity for him, even after Lu Sili had said he would not abandon his original plans for this relationship. There was no way Lu Sili could compensate him or return that sacrifice.
It was not worth it.
Lu Sili did not want Su Yuan to give anything up for him.
To Lu Sili, this was not love. It was a burden.
Otherwise, what did that make all the things he had told himself over the past ten years? That his parents had divorced to pursue more ambitious careers, that no one was at fault for his differentiation into an Omega, and that no one needed to sacrifice anything because of it. Those beliefs had carried Lu Sili through the hardest days of his life.
“One more dish. It’ll be ready in a minute.” Su Yuan carried out two dishes and set them on the dining table, then went straight back into the kitchen before saying anything else.
Stir-fried pork with green peppers and steamed fish.
The final plate of lightly stir-fried vegetables was ready soon after, and the two sat facing each other.
As usual, Su Yuan placed all the dishes closer to Lu Sili so they would be easier for him to reach.
“I picked out a really good fish today. Try some.”
“All right. Thanks for the hard work,” Lu Sili said.
The food was as delicious as always, but Lu Sili ate very slowly. Su Yuan had already finished while more than half of Lu Sili’s bowl of rice remained.
“Not to your taste?” Su Yuan asked.
The concern in his eyes stabbed at Lu Sili’s heart.
“No. It’s delicious.”
Su Yuan smiled and ate two blueberries, but it was impossible to ignore the fact that Lu Sili, sitting across from him, was clearly in a bad mood.
After thinking for a moment, he asked tentatively, “Are you worried about your heat?”
“No.”
Lu Sili set down his bowl and chopsticks.
Su Yuan said, “But you’re unhappy. Did I do some—”
“Su Yuan.” Lu Sili cut him off. When their eyes met, the disappointment and worry in Su Yuan’s were obvious.
Lu Sili took a sip of water. “The call just now was from your colleague in Medical Affairs. He said one place on the form you submitted to give up the advanced-training placement is missing the director’s signature, and you need to pick it up tomorrow and have it signed.”
The dining room fell silent for a moment.
Su Yuan lowered his eyes in flustered surprise, then looked back up at Lu Sili with a smile. “All right. I’ll remember to pick it up tomorrow.”
Lu Sili could not help frowning. His voice rose. “Are you the kind of person who puts love above everything else? Su Yuan, for love you can sacrifice yourself, do the laundry and cook, take care of me and give way to me at every turn, even give up such a good future and career!”
But Su Yuan said nothing. Under Lu Sili’s complicated gaze, he only turned his head toward the shelf beside the dining table.
In the center of the shelf still sat the blue-white porcelain cup with an unglazed rim that Lu Sili had “stolen” for him.
“Didn’t we agree that you wouldn’t give up your career plans for me, that you wouldn’t sacrifice this much for me?” Lu Sili’s voice trembled.
Su Yuan, however, remained calm. He turned back to Lu Sili and said, “I’m not someone who puts love above everything else. But are you? Do you think love comes only with butterflies, courage, and happiness?”
“I…” Lu Sili was speechless.
“How are two completely different people supposed to be together? How are they supposed to learn to fit together? Love also brings pain, jealousy, disagreements, and disappointment. Lu Sili, do we have to separate every time we face those things?”
Su Yuan’s breathing was unsteady from the emotion, but he quickly calmed himself. Looking at Lu Sili, he explained gently, “Besides, how do you know I’m sacrificing anything? I’m very happy.”
Lu Sili lowered his lashes and said nothing.
Su Yuan continued, “I only decided not to go after thinking it through very carefully. I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner.”
Lu Sili looked up at Su Yuan, his gaze trembling.
See? Even when we’re arguing, you’re still the one taking the initiative to compromise and apologize.
“Su Yuan.” Lu Sili stood and looked at him. “Let’s both take some time to calm down.”
With that, Lu Sili put on his coat and left the house.
There were many cars on the road. Lu Sili drove aimlessly around the neighborhood and, without realizing it, ended up near Yingnan No. 3 High School.
Evening study had just begun, and the classroom buildings were lit.
He had driven halfway around Yingnan No. 3 High School and was wondering whether to find somewhere to park and take a walk when Li Ya called.
“Hello?” Lu Sili sounded low-spirited.
Li Ya seemed to be in a car too. “Where are you? Come out for a drink?”
Every phone call started with that sentence. Lu Sili laughed. “Sure. Same place.”
There were not many people at the club yet at this hour. Lu Sili and Li Ya met in the private room they usually used. Some rooms were reserved year-round for VIP clients.
Li Ya had already been there for a while by the time Lu Sili arrived.
“Had a fight?” Li Ya did not bother beating around the bush.
Li Ya had called almost immediately after Lu Sili left the house, so Lu Sili could more or less guess that Su Yuan had contacted him. He gave a bitter smile without confirming or denying it.
Li Ya ordered him a glass of orange juice. “Let’s have a toast first.”
Lu Sili accepted the glass. “What did he tell you?”
Li Ya said, “Just that you two had a fight and then you ran away from home. What did you fight about? How old are you, still pulling the running-away-from-home routine?”
“It’s nothing much.” Lu Sili held the glass in both hands and spoke softly.
Seeing that Lu Sili was genuinely troubled, Li Ya suddenly realized something. “Wait. Aren’t you two in a contract marriage? What exactly are you fighting over now?”
Lu Sili looked up. “We’re dating.”
Li Ya said, “What? I feel like I don’t understand what I’m hearing.”
“We…” Lu Sili did not know how to explain it either. He frowned, at a loss.
Li Ya said, “You like him too?”
Lu Sili said, “Too?”
Li Ya said, “It’s not exactly hard to tell that Su Yuan likes you. And I’ve always suspected he’s had a crush on you for years.”
“Nonsense…” Lu Sili’s denial lacked conviction.
Li Ya laughed. “So what did you fight about? Tell your brother. I’ll give you some advice.”
Lu Sili did not exactly expect Li Ya to produce any brilliant advice, but his own head was a mess. Treating it as a chance to vent, he roughly told Li Ya what had happened that day.
“Why can’t you accept him giving up advanced training for you?” Li Ya asked.
Curled into the sofa, Lu Sili said, “Get me a drink. I’m using a suppressant tonight anyway.”
Li Ya ordered him a glass of dry white wine.
Lu Sili took a sip and felt much better. He tried to sort through why he could not accept Su Yuan giving up advanced training for him.
“Because even two people in love should still have independence and freedom. He has such a good chance to study and take his career further. Why wouldn’t he go?”
Li Ya frowned slightly. “Because he likes you. You two have only just started dating and he doesn’t want to be long-distance. And you already agreed that once your health is back on track, you’ll have surgery. Those things matter more to him than the training. It’s easy enough to understand.”
“I can take care of my own health. I have doctors and a nutritionist. I can survive without any one person. He doesn’t need to sacrifice this much for me. Going for advanced training for his own sake is the right decision,” Lu Sili said.
Li Ya stared at him in disbelief. “Lu Sili, that’s a pretty hurtful thing to say. People are different. Su Yuan isn’t your parents, is he?”
Guilt flashed across Lu Sili’s face for a moment before an enormous wave of loss and pain swallowed him.
“Lili, I’m sorry.”
Li Ya regretted it the instant the words left his mouth. He realized his emotions had gotten the better of him and he had accidentally touched his friend’s sorest wound. He opened his mouth to comfort him.
Lu Sili slowly turned the stemmed glass in his hand and murmured, “That’s exactly what I’ve always told myself.”
If compromising for love is really that simple, then why couldn’t Mom and Dad compromise for me back then? Did they really have to leave at that exact time?
Differentiation hurt so much. The way my organs became distorted hurt so much. Cutting at my gland with a fruit knife heated red-hot hurt so much.
I know work is important, but when I was hurting that badly, couldn’t they have sacrificed a little work to stay with me?
“I’m sorry.” Li Ya did not know what to do.
Lu Sili gave a faint laugh instead. After finishing the last of his wine, he stood. “You don’t have to apologize. This is my problem. I’ll think about it properly. I have work tomorrow, so I’m going home.”
The club arranged designated drivers at night, and Lu Sili sat in the back seat.
A light rain began to fall on the way home. Licheng had never been a particularly rainy city, but lately it seemed to rain all the time.
Lu Sili regretted it a little.
It clearly was not Su Yuan’s fault. He had been the one petty enough to tear open an old wound and then blame it on Su Yuan.
When the car arrived downstairs, Su Yuan was standing on the balcony. He had just ended a call with Li Ya.
Su Yuan watched Lu Sili get out of the car and sit beneath the eaves, leaning against the wall without speaking or showing much expression.
Su Yuan knew that the period after Lu Sili unexpectedly differentiated into an Omega had been extremely painful for him.
That summer, Su Yuan had sat in front of his computer every day waiting for Lu Sili to come online. He had no way to approach him, so he could only stay with him whenever Lu Sili needed someone.
He had thought everything was all right once Lu Sili said he wanted to leave his old environment and go abroad. He had not known that after leaving the country, Lu Sili underwent psychological treatment for a long time.
How much pain had Lu Sili been in back then? Su Yuan could not imagine it.
Rain made sound, yet somehow it felt very quiet.
Lu Sili sat beneath the eaves for a while. At first he was thinking about how to make up with Su Yuan, but eventually his mind grew tired, and he simply sat there, like on every lonely night when he had doubted himself.
He did not know how much time passed before a blanket settled over his shoulders.
Lu Sili turned his head. Su Yuan had come over.
“What are you thinking about?” Su Yuan sat beside him.
Lu Sili looked at Su Yuan. He had been sitting there for a long time, dampness clinging to him from the rain. His voice was soft when he said quietly, “How to apologize to you.”
Su Yuan smiled. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m not angry with you.”
“Are all you Betas this good-tempered?” Lu Sili asked.
Su Yuan pretended to think for a moment, then said, “There probably aren’t many Betas with a temper as good as mine.”
Lu Sili laughed, then lowered his head and looked at the rain-soaked grass. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you.”
“Me too,” Su Yuan said.
“Mm?” Lu Sili looked up at him.
Su Yuan was wearing a thick, homey knitted cardigan. “Tomorrow I’ll take the application form back. There are still about ten days until the deadline. I’ll talk it over with you and weigh the timing and location of the training against your health, then seriously reconsider the advanced-training program.”
Lu Sili was about to speak, but Su Yuan cut him off. “The final answer might still be the same. But I need to make this clear to you. I’m not sacrificing myself for you, and I’ve never wanted anything in return. I’m doing this to make myself happy.”
Lu Sili did not quite understand. His eyes were blank with confusion.
Su Yuan only smiled and reached out to wipe a speck of rainwater from Lu Sili’s cheek.
“Because loving someone makes you happy,” he said. “Love brings pain, but it also gives you the strength to overcome that pain. In so many moments you knew nothing about, loving you gave me a great deal of strength and courage.”
Lu Sili only half understood, but Su Yuan was so gentle and dependable when he said it. He was exactly the kind of person Lu Sili liked.
“Do you love me?” Su Yuan suddenly asked.
Lu Sili parted his lips slightly, but he could not make himself say it.
“Oh, you.” Su Yuan reached out, took Lu Sili’s cold hand where it was exposed to the air, and pressed it against his own cheek to warm it.
“You don’t love me enough yet, so you don’t understand. But that’s all right. We’ll take it slowly. One day you will.”