Lu Sili went into his bedroom.
It was a sleepless night. He changed positions over and over in bed but still could not fall asleep. He thought about taking a sleeping pill, then remembered what Su Yuan and the doctors had told him.
Li Ya’s words kept echoing through his mind: “Has Su Yuan always had a crush on you?” So did Su Yuan’s “Would you consider marrying me?” And the face that had been only inches away when he leaned in earlier.
And the kiss Su Yuan had wanted.
Lu Sili asked himself: Did I want it? When I tilted my head, was that my heart moving?
Was everything that had happened since reuniting with Su Yuan simply part of the prescribed course of treatment, or had his feelings really changed?
That steady, easy feeling he had whenever he was with Su Yuan, was that love?
Always wanting to treat Su Yuan a little better, was that really only guilt?
And if it truly was love, would they have a future?
There were too many questions and no answers. After lying awake for a long time, Lu Sili simply got up. He pulled on a thick knitted cardigan and slid open the glass balcony door to get some air.
Ever since New Year, the weather had been good. The temperature was not as bitterly cold, and the sky was almost always perfectly clear. Looking up, he saw a nearly full moon hanging in the distance, the entire city washed in faint, hazy moonlight.
After standing on the balcony for a while, Lu Sili suddenly heard a cat meowing. He looked downstairs but could not find where it was.
So there really were stray cats in the complex. Lu Sili had lived here for nearly three years and somehow never noticed.
Su Yuan really likes cats, doesn’t he? Lu Sili suddenly thought.
He stayed outside a little longer. Once his mood felt less heavy, he went back inside to sleep.
Just as Lu Sili closed his door on one side of the apartment, Su Yuan opened his own on the other.
The first thing Su Yuan did after stepping outside was look toward Lu Sili’s balcony. No one was there, so he leaned against the railing and looked at the moon himself.
He rarely suffered from insomnia, but tonight he could not sleep no matter what he did.
His mind felt like a revolving lantern, cycling endlessly through the past and through their recent life together.
Su Yuan had always believed himself to be someone easily satisfied. From the beginning, he had never expected to receive anything, not in the past and not now.
But after getting close to Lu Sili, that had changed. He had grown greedier and greedier, until he actually wanted a kiss from Lu Sili, even a future with him.
Because Lu Sili responded to me. I thought that was a response.
Maybe insatiable desire was simply human nature, and Su Yuan was no exception.
Su Yuan slowly turned his head toward Lu Sili’s balcony. Remembering the way Lu Sili had stepped back from him earlier, he lowered his head in discouragement.
Did I make him unhappy this time? Did I force him into a situation where he didn’t know what to choose?
And yet, at certain moments, Su Yuan had clearly felt that Lu Sili was happy too.
Or perhaps, for the Lu Sili of today, even accepting happiness was difficult.
Childhood dreams were fragile. Happiness was too.
The air outside was cold. Su Yuan pulled his knitted cardigan tighter around himself and was about to go back inside when he heard rustling below. Looking down, he saw the little calico he usually fed playing in a pile of fallen leaves beneath a tree.
Su Yuan watched from upstairs for a while and only went back inside after the calico disappeared from view.
A couple of days later, Licheng was hit by another cold snap. Both of them were busy with work, and aside from breakfast, they hardly had any meals together. The kitchen at home had gone quiet.
Ever since the Hokkaido trip, Parker had barely contacted any of the three Asian offices. Lu Sili suspected it had something to do with Parker’s job reassignment.
He had been waiting since New Year, and at last the news arrived.
The establishment of F&A’s Asia regional office had been confirmed. It would be set up by the end of the year or early next year, but there was still no word on whether the Asian headquarters would be located in China, Japan, or South Korea.
“Have you been in touch with Alfonso lately?” Lu Sili asked Fiona while reading the email.
Fiona thought for a moment. “A little, but not often, and it’s mostly personal.”
Lu Sili looked up. “Oh?”
“He’s coming to China on vacation in a couple of months. There’s really nothing going on between us. If you keep saying that, I’m going to get mad.” After saying it, Fiona remembered they were at work and added, “Director Lu.”
Lu Sili laughed. “All right, Executive Assistant Fiona.”
Fiona sat on the arm of the sofa, waiting for Lu Sili to finish signing some documents. She looked at the slight fullness that had finally returned to his cheeks and smiled to herself.
Lu Sili would never have joked around with her like this before.
After differentiating, he had become so sensitive that he was always stern-faced, making himself look strong and imposing at all times. But besides being his subordinate, Fiona was also family. She worried about his health but never dared say much, the way you would not invite someone with a broken leg to play ball.
Now Lu Sili had softened a great deal. Fiona could not tell what had caused the change, the medication or a person.
News that the Asia regional office would be established spread quickly. That afternoon, the three division directors met to discuss it.
Although the directors of Production, Distribution, and Exhibition were officially at the same level, Lu Sili had long been the central figure of F&A China. He communicated with headquarters more than anyone else and was effectively the general manager in everything but title.
The “New Filmmakers” initiative had already been discussed once at the beginning of the year, and everyone had thought it was feasible.
Wei Yuan did not have many capital-side connections in the industry, but he was very well connected among directors. He had started out as a director himself, and his artistic literacy was much stronger than Lu Sili’s.
Leadership at the LA headquarters had once called Wei Yuan mediocre, but Lu Sili thought that was because they did not understand the Chinese principle of the “Doctrine of the Mean.”
Elio’s Notes: The “Doctrine of the Mean” (中庸之道) is a Confucian ideal of balance and moderation. Here Lu Sili is using it to defend Wei Yuan’s understated style from being mistaken for mediocrity.
At this meeting, Wei Yuan brought two lists.
“These are newcomers I’ve thought were pretty good over the past two years. Very new. The newest are still in university, but their ideas and the substance of their work are anything but immature.” Wei Yuan enlarged the list. “F&A can provide enormous technical support, but you can’t manufacture inspiration. The other list is made up of films I know have started attracting attention at festivals but whose rights haven’t been sold yet. Director Lu can have your people take a look.”
Lu Sili studied the lists carefully. “Any overlap with Jiang Que’s plan?”
“No. If I were counting Jiang Que’s people, obviously I’d have put Ru Que on here.”
Lu Sili smiled. He was deeply grateful that Ru Que had helped him so much before, and she was also an extremely talented new director, so his opinion of her had only grown warmer.
“Then I’ll put together a proposal on my side and send it to Parker next week. I’ll also talk to Jiang Que again.”
“Jiang Que is stubborn as hell. You’re practically handing her money and she still won’t take it,” Wei Yuan complained.
“My way of doing things is very commercial. It’s normal for her to have reservations.”
“What era are we living in? If you want to make art, you still have to eat first. Look how broke everyone under her is.”
Everyone in the conference room laughed. When the meeting ended, they all returned to their own work. Lu Sili and Wei Yuan kept talking about Jiang Que for a little longer, and by the time they stood up, only the two of them remained.
“All right, I’m going back to work,” Wei Yuan said.
“Okay.” Lu Sili packed up his laptop too. “By the way, Brother Wei.”
“What?”
“When your wife went abroad to study… how did you feel?”
“How did I feel?” Wei Yuan looked completely baffled.
Lu Sili tapped randomly at the keyboard, pretending not to care much. “I mean, when two people aren’t even in the same place, doesn’t that affect the relationship? Don’t you worry about how she’s doing over there?”
“That?” Wei Yuan sat back down, crossed one leg over the other, and said, “Not really. First of all, I trust that my wife is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She has her own independent personality and her own life. Second, feelings themselves are impossible to pin down. I understand what she wants to pursue, and she understands my love. That’s enough.”
Lu Sili turned Wei Yuan’s words over in his mind and did not quite understand them.
“All right.”
Wei Yuan looked at his expression and laughed. “You’ll understand someday.”
Lu Sili returned to his office and worked for a while before Luke came over.
This was the first month since Lu Sili had reduced his suppressant dosage. Luke had come for a follow-up to see how he was doing and had also brought the new artificial pheromones.
As usual, he performed some simple examinations. Luke was very happy to see the obvious improvement in Lu Sili’s condition. No doctor wanted to watch a patient’s health steadily deteriorate.
“If things keep improving like this, you won’t need two years. You could probably have the surgery in about a year.” As he spoke, Luke remembered that Lu Sili was married now and perhaps no longer wanted gland-removal surgery, so he shifted the subject. “Either way, your health is the foundation. Work and life…”
“What’s your educational background?” Lu Sili interrupted.
“I have a graduate degree. Why?”
The information was public, but Lu Sili had never paid attention to it. He looked up at Luke. “Do you want to do a doctorate?”
Luke did not understand where this was coming from. “It’s not like I can get a doctorate just because I want one, right?”
“That’s true.” Lu Sili nodded. “Then if a good opportunity came up, would you want to go away for advanced training?”
Luke found Lu Sili’s questions increasingly inexplicable, but still answered, “If the right opportunity came up, of course I would.”
“What about Stanford?”
Luke’s eyes lit up. “Director Lu, are you sending me to Stanford for training?”
“No.” Lu Sili looked awkward. “Just discussing it hypothetically.”
At the end of the follow-up, Luke said that in another two months, if the reduction in suppressants continued going well, they could switch him from injections to oral suppressants, which would have fewer side effects on his body.
After seeing Luke off, Lu Sili started writing the “New Filmmakers” proposal for Parker. By the time he was deep into it, the workday was nearly over.
Before leaving, Lu Sili called Jiang Que and asked to meet.
Jiang Que had actually been wavering over Lu Sili’s proposal too, so she invited him to her home.
“Is Ru Que free lately? I still haven’t had a chance to thank her in person for what happened last time,” Lu Sili said.
“She’ll be there that day. Oh, right. Is your husband coming?”
“I’ll ask him.”
After hanging up, Lu Sili fell silent. He and Su Yuan had barely spoken for two days.
After that night, Su Yuan had seemed a little distant. It was not as though he were deliberately cold toward Lu Sili. He still prepared breakfast as usual and reminded him to take his medicine.
But Lu Sili could tell he was unhappy.
Just as Lu Sili was wondering whether Su Yuan had gotten off work and whether he should invite him to dinner, Su Yuan called.
“Hello?”
“I’m not working overtime today. Is there anything you want to eat tonight? I can buy groceries and cook.”
“Anything’s fine. Or I could take you out to dinner.”
There was a pause on the other end before Su Yuan said, “Okay.”
Lu Sili booked dinner at the private club he often visited with Li Ya, packed up, and drove over.
The ingredients there were always excellent, and so was the atmosphere. It seemed like a good place to let Su Yuan relax after two exhausting days.
When Lu Sili arrived, a server told him Su Yuan was already there.
“Your husband is waiting inside. Would you like us to start serving the food soon?” The server knew Lu Sili and also knew he was married.
“Yes, please.”
Since there were only two of them, they had not booked a private room. Their table was beside the rear courtyard. When Lu Sili walked over, he saw Su Yuan staring out the window, lost in thought.
His coat was draped over the chair beside him, and steam curled from the black tea in front of him. Even though Lu Sili could only see his profile and not his expression, there was a faint sadness about him.
“You got here early.” Lu Sili sat down across from him. “What are you looking at?”
Su Yuan came back to himself, smiled slightly, and poured Lu Sili some tea. “Nothing. Just zoning out.”
“Thanks.” Lu Sili cupped the teacup in both hands for warmth.
Su Yuan looked tired. Lu Sili was about to ask whether work had been too busy, but Su Yuan spoke first.
“How did today’s follow-up go?”
“Pretty well. Luke said if nothing unexpected happens, I can switch to oral suppressants in two months.”
It was good news, and Su Yuan’s smile finally became genuine.
“Then you need to be even more careful these next two months. Pay attention to the Alphas around you.”
Lu Sili nodded. “Mm. Oh, right. Jiang Que invited me to her place next week and asked whether you’d come too.”
“Will I?” Su Yuan asked back with a smile.
If you ask me, there’s nothing I wouldn’t agree to.
Su Yuan’s smile made Lu Sili a little self-conscious. He lowered his head briefly, then looked back up. “Will you come with me? They all like you.”
“Okay. I’ll arrange my schedule in advance.”
The food arrived quickly. Lu Sili had a good appetite, but Su Yuan barely ate, saying he had eaten lunch very late and still was not hungry.
The club’s decor leaned Chinese in style, but there were also many oil paintings, paired with greenery and blue-and-white porcelain in a way that felt elegant rather than cluttered. As Su Yuan looked around the dining room, a white cat walked gracefully across the courtyard.
Su Yuan leaned slightly to watch it pass.
“Do you like cats?” Lu Sili suddenly asked.
“Hmm? They’re all right.”
“Want to get one? Or we could adopt that calico from our neighborhood.”
Lu Sili’s suggestion surprised Su Yuan. Lu Sili had never shown any interest in small animals before. In fact, he had once said that keeping pets meant taking on a lot of responsibility and was troublesome.
“Why?” Su Yuan looked at him.
Lu Sili felt guilty under his gaze, but this time he answered honestly.
“I want you to be a little happier. If you want a cat.”
Neither of them had mentioned the kiss that never happened that night, but in truth, both cared about it deeply.
What if what I want is a kiss?
“How do you know I’m unhappy?” Su Yuan asked.
Lu Sili lowered his eyes and said nothing.
“Are you happy?” Su Yuan asked. Still receiving no answer, he said softly, “I want you to be happy too.”
Lu Sili looked up at him. “I’m sorry.”
Maybe the atmosphere of the restaurant was especially good. Maybe Su Yuan had seen a little more honesty from Lu Sili. Or maybe it was simply because he loved him.
“You don’t need to apologize.” Su Yuan leaned slightly forward, both hands resting on the table. In the same gentle tone as always, he said, “You never need to apologize to me. Whatever you want, that’s what we’ll do.”