Elio’s Notes: The chapter title is the second half of the closing couplet of Tang poet Li Shangyin’s Jinse (《锦瑟》): “Could this feeling have waited to become a memory? Even then, I was already lost.” The poem’s meaning has been debated for centuries; FD keeps the title focused on the line’s sense of bewilderment and irretrievable loss rather than forcing a single interpretation.
A sorrow for the ages, seven characters suspended in emptiness.
On the night his state fell and his family was ruined, flames towered over the Jinling imperial palace until it looked like a hell on earth. Through the wasteland of eternity, the only streak of pure white plunged through the rushing wind, blooming like an udumbara appearing in the world.
Elio’s Notes: The udumbara is a Buddhist image for an extraordinarily rare appearance. Buddhist tradition compares the rare blooming of the udumbara to something almost impossibly difficult to encounter, which sharpens the image of that single white figure falling through the fire.
Cold.
The wind was cold.
His hands were colder still, yet his heart was utterly calm.
This life was finally about to end. Ten thousand people had placed him upon a shrine, but now he would be nothing more than ruined flesh and blood. What difference did it make?
His robes whipped in midair, black hair scattering until he looked almost ghostly.
Zhao Kuangyin, I would rather you had never personally led the campaign here. Then I could still lie to myself and believe this was only a struggle of power and ambition, that the ruin of state and home was merely the necessary destruction wrought by a ruler coveting All-under-Heaven.
But why did you have to come see me?
How can Li Yu face the Li clan after this? It is as though heaven and earth, mountains and rivers, and the lives of all the people were nothing more than a wager between you and me.
Too selfish.
Five hundred thousand men fell silent in an instant.
No one had ever seen such an uncanny sight. Fierce flames burst from the extravagant imperial palace, which seemed cast from red gold, while from an immensely high carved and painted tower someone fell, white robes blossoming open.
Parting is easy, meeting again is hard. Back then, when the sunlight was warming over Flower Market Street, I asked you: if you could do it over again, would you still jump down to save me?
You said you would not.
That instant was both impossibly brief and impossibly long. Zhao Kuangyin felt all the blood in his body rush into his head with a roar. At the extremity of terror, the body reacted faster than the heart could choose.
Once again, he followed him down.
Zhao Kuangyin vaulted from Yuxiao Pavilion. He seemed to watch himself follow Li Yu into the empty air from outside his own body. His soul felt detached from him, light and unreal. Suddenly he felt that he could hold on to nothing: his Great Song, his armies advancing as one, his name recorded in history, his reputation as an enlightened ruler of an age.
He had nothing.
Before the upturned faces of the entire army.
The true Son of Heaven who had sworn to unite All-under-Heaven rose in such terror that heaven and earth seemed to shake. His Majesty had actually leapt after him.
Below the tower, Zhao Guangyi had just emerged from the palace bent over his horse. Hearing the surrounding cries of shock, he abruptly raised his head. Against the ink-dark sky he saw pear-blossom-white brocade whipping in the air, and Zhao Kuangyin plunging after it like a madman.
From horseback he watched coldly as heaven and earth became nothing more than a backdrop for the two of them, as state and military affairs became their plaything. Other people’s devotion, other people’s schemes, none of it could withstand even one moment in which that white figure lost himself.
You treat an empire for the ages like a game.
Zhao Guangyi threw back his head and laughed, pain pulling through his abdomen.
The crushing pressure of the rapid fall.
Only a tiny distance still separated Zhao Kuangyin from him.
In that infinitesimal instant, ruthlessness seized him. “Li Congjia! If I cannot save you, I will die here with you. I will make all five hundred thousand men die with you! I will make heaven and earth itself be buried with you!”
Far away through the roar of the wind, Li Yu heard him. Something spilled from those empty eyes and scattered into the air.
In the end… you made the same mistake again.
The instant Zhao Kuangyin truly touched his body, everything snapped back into place.
Low above the ground, he caught Li Yu in his arms, twisted, planted a foot against the high wall beneath Yuxiao Pavilion to break their fall, and landed on level ground outside the palace wall.
Ten thousand soldiers dismounted and cried long life to His Majesty. The entire army knelt, and after that shock, no one dared lift their head.
Zhao Kuangyin held him with crushing force, staring at the blood staining his sleeves. His grip was almost strong enough to break him. Li Yu merely closed his eyes and let him hold on, neither moving nor speaking.
The tremendous strain of falling from such a height completely aggravated Li Yu’s old illness. His chest heaved, and a mouthful of blood spilled across Zhao Kuangyin’s armor. Which of them was trembling? It was impossible to tell.
Li Yu’s face was white as frost traced over waxed cloth. The sight of his blood nearly made Zhao Kuangyin lose all composure. He held him but, for a moment, had no idea what else to do. The fields around them were desolate. High towers collapsed behind them.
He bent down and pressed his own lips against Li Yu’s, trying to stop the blood.
The pale figure abruptly opened his eyes. He could not see clearly, but they remained a translucent amber, the double pupils faint. Slowly, his brows drew together.
“So long as Heaven endures, you belong to me too.”
He said nothing.
“The realm and you. I want both.”
He still said nothing.
“Come back with me.”
Even if it killed him, he refused to answer.
Cao Bin saw black smoke pouring continuously through the palace gates and shouted in alarm, “Your Majesty! The palace is already a sea of fire! The southern halls can no longer be entered…”
Zhao Kuangyin was just about to lift Li Yu when Li Yu suddenly struggled violently and fell to the ground. The sword-browed man caught his wrist at once. Knowing that his temperament would not permit the slightest show of weakness, he said, “Fine. Stand up yourself. I will support you. You cannot get worked up again.”
Li Yu lay on the ground with his long hair spread around him. Suddenly he remembered that if the palace had already become a sea of fire… then Piaopeng, Liuzhu, and Nüying, who had been there moments ago, would they not now…
“I told you to let go!” Blood stained his lips, yet that pale figure actually shouted sharply at Zhao Kuangyin. “I have to go back into the palace… no…” Anxiety suddenly broke through as he braced himself against the ground and tried to rise, but he had no strength at all. Zhao Kuangyin’s heart turned cold. Before the Three Armies he had thrown away every trace of imperial dignity for this man. Without thinking clearly, he had even leapt from a high tower to save the ruler of a fallen state, exposing his feelings beyond any possible concealment. “What more do you want me to do?” he roared back.
Li Yu flung off his restraint. “I have to go back!”
This time Zhao Kuangyin’s fury completely overwhelmed his reason. Li Yu was still determined to seek death, still trying to return and throw himself into the fire? Ruthlessness surged up in him, his commanding presence suddenly blazing forth. “Li Congjia, even now you are still stubbornly set on dying, are you not? Fine! The Ruler wants to end everything with death? I refuse to let you die!” Caring nothing for Li Yu’s pride or dignity, he hauled him bodily around the waist in front of everyone and demanded that a horse be brought.
Li Yu struggled in panic, unable to break free. “Zhao Kuangyin, let go! You are the Emperor of Song. What do you call this behavior?”
Zhao Kuangyin strode forward. “You forced me to this! Why can you not put down that noble, elegant posture for even a moment and face things properly? All this time, Li Congjia… if you had cared even a little about me… your Tang would never have come to this today!”
The person in his arms suddenly went blank. A hundred thoughts collided inside Li Yu’s mind until Ehuang abruptly rose before him. She was already gone, that woman proud as a phoenix… no matter what happened, he could not let anything happen to Nüying too. “Nüying… no! Let me go back… Nüying is still inside the palace…”
Hearing this, Zhao Kuangyin stiffened and grew even angrier. His voice sank as he spoke furiously beside Li Yu’s ear. “So that is why you insist on going back to die. You are thinking about the Queen! Truly, a sentimental genius like you is rare through the ages. How long has Empress Zhaohui even been gone?”
Li Yu had no time to argue with him. Darkness filled his vision, yet suddenly he saw again the day Ehuang died. The woman radiant as a peony in full bloom had obediently opened her mouth as he fed her a soft, sweet osmanthus cake, his fingertips brushing her lips and teeth…
Everything before him turned blood-red.
Then she had refused to bend even in the slightest, resolutely letting go and leaving him.
He had failed such a proud phoenix. Even before death, Ehuang had remembered to entrust her own younger sister to him. Now that his state had fallen here, he could not let anything happen to Nüying.
He already owed too much… He could not fail even Ehuang’s final wish.
Li Yu suddenly calmed. The sight of that calm frightened Zhao Kuangyin even more. He knew this pale figure far too well. Whenever Li Yu recovered that cloudless composure, what followed would inevitably become another torment of the heart. Zhao Kuangyin stopped thinking, mounted with him, and pulled the reins tight, preparing to withdraw the army.
Li Yu lifted a hand and laid it over Zhao Kuangyin’s, stopping the reins. His voice was so cool and clear that it seemed to sweep away flame, dust, and ash. “Let us make an exchange.”
Blood still marked the corner of his mouth, and his strength was still draining away.
Zhao Kuangyin ignored him. “Cao Bin!” He was about to issue the order to the entire army.
Li Yu turned in front of him, his double pupils reflecting fire with an almost demonic light. “Listen to me. Order men back into the palace to put out the fires and rescue Nüying. At daybreak, the Ruler of Jiangnan will lead his people out and formally surrender.”
Zhao Kuangyin froze.
No matter what happened, Li Yu had never spoken the word surrender. No matter what happened, he had refused to bend his waist and yield.
His voice was clean and utterly calm. “Zhao Kuangyin, if you forcibly take me away now, this war will end without clarity or proper conclusion. Tang may be small, but we have always believed we treated our people with kindness. If their hearts remain unsettled, they will become a danger to you later. And besides… I could never go north with you alive.” Each word fell upon Zhao Kuangyin with almost unbearable cruelty. “You know my temperament better than anyone. If you abduct me like this, Li Yu will absolutely not cling to life.”
Zhao Kuangyin sighed. He had known it. Whenever Li Yu became this untouched by joy or sorrow, he was about to wound others and himself alike. And indeed, with a single sentence, he defeated Zhao Kuangyin’s army of five hundred thousand.
Li Yu continued quietly. “If I say I will do something, I will do it, just as before. Order men back into the palace at once and rescue Nüying’s party. Tomorrow I will formally surrender, go north with you, bow my head, and call myself your subject. Then the Ruler of Jiangnan will simply have lost the war, abandoned the city, and surrendered, as victors and defeated have always done in war. You can steady your army, and you can settle the people in every direction.”
Zhao Kuangyin was silent for a long time. “Cao Bin, send men into the palace and find a way to extinguish the fire. Everyone still trapped inside, no matter who they are, is to be found and brought out!”
He had spent his life in war, advancing cautiously through danger after danger. Yet this campaign for Jiangnan had exhausted him beyond measure. Zhao Kuangyin had won a crushing victory, but had never felt such despair. “Someone, prepare a carriage.” After speaking, he released Li Yu, dismounted, and carefully helped him down. “Ride in the carriage yourself. Once the fire inside the palace has been put out and they have been found, the Ruler may decide for himself where to go.” Zhao Kuangyin sounded exhausted. Li Yu could not see his face, yet for the first time he heard him speak without the slightest force behind his voice. He sounded like the one who had lost… like Li Yu himself.
Heartbroken.
That deathly pale figure remained quiet and remote, every word a blade.
In the end, did we still have to scheme against each other and use a transaction to bring everything to rest?
Li Yu’s steps were unsteady. Zhao Kuangyin kept exactly a measured distance and lightly supported his arm. “Do not get worked up again. Otherwise you will not last… many more days.”
Li Yu gave a faint laugh. “If I give my word, I keep it. I will not die before I surrender.”
Zhao Kuangyin abruptly released him. “That is not what I meant. Everything is already clear now. The carriage is ready. Do as you wish.” He spoke the final words without restraint.
Li Yu sensed the difference in him. Ripples finally stirred in his own heart. “I… did not mean…” Yet he no longer knew what he wanted to say. In this situation, what had he himself done wrong? At last his tone softened. “…Thank you.”
Zhao Kuangyin laughed bitterly, turned away with his sword in hand, and said, “Ha. Now you thank me…” His voice rose slightly. “We should reward the Ruler for understanding the stakes and being so thoroughly reasonable.”
“I… Nüying is her younger sister. No matter what, I…”
Zhao Kuangyin raised his sword and commanded the Three Armies. “Withdraw from Jinling! Make camp three li outside the city!”
The carriage fell into weary silence.
I truly do not want to hurt you and myself like this either. But now the exquisite bones of Jiangnan have been ruined in your hands, and the Qinhuai River runs red as blood. There is no shore behind us to return to, and neither of us can be saved. From the day I broke my promise, from the moment you sent your army forth, everything was already different. So instead of pretending there can still be anything pure between us, let only the fairness of victor and defeated remain, nothing more than one exchange of schemes.
The sword-browed man mounted his horse. Though the entire army was preparing to move, he still looked back at the silent carriage and sighed. “Li Congjia… from here, the northern side of the palace still looks intact. It will not all burn down so quickly. She may still be alive.”
Li Yu opened his eyes slightly toward the direction of the voice. Inside the carriage, pear-blossom-white brocade framed a smile beautiful enough to topple a city, but the carriage walls hid it from everyone.
After saying it, Zhao Kuangyin spurred his horse away. In the end, he had only wanted Li Yu to feel at ease.
By the time dawn had just begun to rise, Jinling had finally returned to silence. The palace fires had been extinguished. The inferno that had linked Weiyang Hall and Guangliang Temple had destroyed nearly every palace building on the southern side and sealed off all escape routes. Fortunately, when Liuzhu had no other choice, she led Nüying up to Yuxiao Pavilion as well, and only then did they escape the disaster.
By the time the Song soldiers brought Nüying out, Zhao Kuangyin had already withdrawn his troops from Jinling. The entire army was encamped in the wilderness outside the city.
Tears streaked Liuzhu’s face when she finally heard that the Ruler had survived. At least… Heaven still had eyes. How could such peerless grace perish in fire? Nüying pressed her face tightly against the pipa. No matter what happened on the journey, she had never once loosened her hold on it. “Sister… if your spirit is watching from Heaven, you must keep him safe…”
Outside the palace gates stood a single ordinary carriage. Several old ministers who had escaped had been kneeling around it for hours. When they saw the Queen emerge safely through the palace gate, they all threw themselves to the ground.
Nüying could no longer describe what she felt. She had passed before life and death and somehow emerged alive. She could still hear birds calling beneath the palace eaves. In the faint first light, shapes slowly became clearer. Ash still lingered in the cool morning air. She only wanted… to see him.
She reached the carriage. Cao Bin sighed. “The Ruler is inside.” Then he ordered all detained palace attendants released and rode away.
There was not the slightest sound from within. The old ministers lowered their voices. “The Ruler has not spoken at all. He only ordered us to wait.” Nüying let Liuzhu support her as she climbed up and gently lifted the soft curtain. Li Yu sat leaning quietly against the carriage wall with his eyes closed, looking faintly weary. Nüying’s heart tightened. “Ruler.”
There was no answer.
Her voice began to tremble. “Ruler?”
Li Yu remained motionless and silent. As though feeling cold, he had drawn the white brocade cloak loosely over himself. Leaning there, he looked as though he might lift a hand at any moment, smile, raise a cup of wine, and compose a verse.
A faint fragrance.
He had not burned red sandalwood for so long. All around them remained the smoke, dust, and ash of the previous night. Yet at this moment Nüying could distinctly smell red sandalwood.
Nüying lost control of herself. Trembling with panic from head to toe, she climbed inside and reached out to tie the embroidered cords of his cloak. Her fingers were unsteady. They brushed his neck. Ice-cold. She nearly cried out…
Li Yu frowned slightly and coughed softly, finally startled awake by her.
Nüying stared for one stunned second before tears burst from her eyes. She threw herself around him and began to sob aloud.
Li Yu smiled faintly and stroked her hair. “Did I frighten you… It is all right. I am glad you are safe.”
Liuzhu had watched Nüying face the fires through the entire night without once crying. Now everything she had held inside finally broke loose.
Inside the carriage, she clung to Li Yu and wept hysterically.
He did not move, simply remaining quiet and saying nothing. Only when her cries gradually weakened did he murmur beside her ear, “Enough. It is all right now.”
Still sobbing, Nüying looked into his pale eyes. His expression was as tranquil as an ancient, unfathomable pool. “I thought… I thought you…”
He could not help laughing. “I only fell asleep without realizing it. Do not worry. I definitely will not die now.”
Nüying finally let go of the breath she had been holding. As she slowly sat up, she realized she had disturbed the cloak covering his chest. Beneath it, the white robe faintly revealed… scarlet.
She reached out, wanting to see what was wrong, but Li Yu immediately pulled the cloak closed again. “It is nothing. Yesterday I probably got too worked up.” He did not know where the bloodstains had come from, but after the state he had been in the previous night, his body must look dreadful. Naturally, he had no desire to let anyone see. Stubbornly covering himself, he slowly propped himself upright. “Nüying, why did you return to the palace?”
“I told you. I will stay with you.”
Li Yu found it almost absurd. “But now… I have to leave.”
She startled again. “Where are you going?”
He shook his head. “Nüying, listen to me. Leave with Liuzhu.”
Nüying simply said nothing. She picked up the pipa again and sat beside him. Helpless, Li Yu said, “I will soon be going north. If you follow me, you will only suffer the humiliation of a fallen state for nothing. Why burden yourself so uselessly? You and Liuzhu can leave the city now, find some place in the world, and build a life there. The Song army will no longer stop you.”
The woman beside him had always seemed small in his memory, yet when she spoke now her voice was extraordinarily firm. It was as though she had never possessed such strength before, and now it burst from her all at once, leaving no room for doubt. “My sister cannot accompany you through the humiliation of a fallen state. I will.”
Li Yu shuddered. He lowered his eyes, suddenly sorrowful. “Perhaps it was a blessing that she left early… If she were still here… I cannot imagine what things would have become. Would I have gone mad… would I have refused to yield even unto death? Would I have forced the palace and everyone inside it to be destroyed rather than agree to him…?”
“You… Ruler, what did you agree to?” Nüying suddenly remembered that he had said he was going north. “Why are you going north?”
Hearing this, Liuzhu abruptly dropped to her knees. “Ruler… you cannot…”
The ministers suddenly understood. For a moment they wanted to plead with him, but then they looked up at the shattered palace walls and the brutal ruins around them. Zhao Kuangyin had already driven straight into the capital and broken it open. What was left to say?
Were they supposed to light another fire and burn everyone to death here?
Everyone abruptly fell silent, plainly understanding what the Ruler meant.
Surrender.
Li Yu sat quietly for a while. Feeling that some strength had finally returned to his body, he rose and stepped down from the carriage. Nüying hurried to support him. He stood alone outside the palace gate for a long time.
The long white silk trailing behind him had wrinkled after a night of struggle and exhaustion, yet he let it lie across the ground. The gray palace walls were cold and desolate. Far away, startled birds swept through the sky, crying shrilly as they circled without leaving. Li Yu’s black hair nearly touched the ground. Pale as washed silk, he faced the shattered halls of gold and jade. Liuzhu knew he could hardly see any of it and feared that dwelling on the ruin would further harm him. “Ruler… the palace was too vast and splendid to be destroyed in a single night. Only Weiyang Hall and the areas south of Guangliang Temple were lost. The inner palace and sleeping halls have not been completely destroyed.”
He abruptly turned his head. Still calm, he suddenly asked only one question. Liuzhu choked.
“Piaopeng… what happened to him?”
“…Ruler.” Liuzhu shook her head, unwilling to say it. Li Yu remained composed, his voice peaceful as though everything were already understood, nothing more than an old story. “This fire… he was the one who started it, was he not…?”
“Yes.”
“Why go that far…” He coughed softly. “Foolish child.” Then he actually began walking toward the palace gates again. Nüying hurried after him. “Ruler, be careful… the halls have collapsed. Walk slowly.”
“Let us go back and look at Weiyang Hall.” His voice was quiet, and no one dared refuse. “It is the last day… Pass down my decree. Every ranked official in Jinling is to come at once and wait before the palace.” He smiled faintly. “After today, no one will call me the Ruler of Jiangnan again. Go summon them quickly.”
Everyone accepted the order and bowed to the ground. “The Ruler must take care of himself. Please do not strain yourself or become agitated again.”
Li Yu drew the cloak tighter around himself. “Nothing will happen to me in the next little while. I am fine.”
With light, slow steps, he returned inside the palace.