They remained frozen in place. An Zi Yan stared straight at Mai Ding, his eyes full of anger. “Shut up.” If Mai Ding had not deliberately provoked An Zi Yan, things would not have become like this, but if his words were not harsh enough, An Zi Yan would never face reality.
“What good does it do if you’re the only person who thinks Grandpa is still alive? Everyone knows he’s gone. If you really think he’s still alive, then why are you hiding here? Come outside with me. We’ll see which one of us is right!”
Suddenly, the corner of An Zi Yan’s mouth lifted into a faint, mocking smile. “So what if you’re right?” Mai Ding stared at him in disbelief. He had imagined that once he shattered An Zi Yan’s fantasy, An Zi Yan might fly into a rage from embarrassment or become completely lost. Mai Ding had imagined every possible reaction except this one. An Zi Yan did not care at all whether he acknowledged reality. Even if Mai Ding dragged him in front of Grandpa’s gravestone, An Zi Yan would never accept that Grandpa was gone. What the facts were had nothing to do with what An Zi Yan chose to believe.
Mai Ding was frightened. He could not save An Zi Yan, because he had never once defeated him. All the courage and strength Mai Ding had prepared for today, all of it for An Zi Yan, was useless. Mai Ding was furious with himself.
“What are you trying to do, Mai Ding? You want me to pretend nothing happened like you, to act unmoved by Grandpa’s death? I’m not the An Zi Yan you think I should be right now. Did I disappoint you? Do I even need your approval for how I’m supposed to grieve?”
Even with words, An Zi Yan could be crueler than Mai Ding. Mai Ding shook his head hard. “No. That’s not it. I just…” He could not continue. He had wanted to pull An Zi Yan out of the abyss, only to be dragged down into it himself. What right did he have to comfort him, to tell him what he should do?
“You want me to just leave you alone? I can’t! I can’t!”
An Zi Yan gave a cold laugh. “Right. What can you do? What can I do? I couldn’t even save Grandpa. I’m nothing but useless trash.” A sharp slap rang through the room. Which of them hurt more when Mai Ding’s palm struck An Zi Yan’s face? Tears slid down Mai Ding’s cheeks as he spoke through a sob. “You’re not allowed to say that about my An Zi Yan.” An Zi Yan touched the cheek Mai Ding had slapped with the back of his hand. “Get out.”
Mai Ding raised a hand. The instant his fingertip touched An Zi Yan’s face, the pain inside An Zi Yan seemed to seize the chance to crawl into him through that point of contact. An Zi Yan turned his head away, avoiding Mai Ding’s hand.
“If I get out, what happens to you? If I get out, what happens to me? Where am I supposed to go? This time, no matter what you say, I’m not leaving you. Whatever you decide to do, if you can’t accept Grandpa being gone, I’ll stay with you. If you want to sink into misery, I’ll stay with you. If you don’t plan to go home, I’ll stay with you. You always make my pain and hurt disappear so easily. I’m not as good as you. I’m not as smart as you, but I’ll try. Grandpa is gone, but I’m still here loving you with everything I have, trying so desperately to love you. I’m still here. Grandpa is gone, but I’m still here. I can’t replace Grandpa. I’m only Mai Ding, an ordinary, ordinary Mai Ding, but Mai Ding will never leave An Zi Yan.”
An Zi Yan did not speak for a long time. He turned and leaned weakly against the wall. “Sorry. My head’s a mess.” His voice carried impatience with himself. Mai Ding shook his head and stared at An Zi Yan’s profile. Suddenly, he understood something from the sight of it, and grief scorched through his chest so fiercely it almost choked him.
An Zi Yan had come here alone because he had wanted to prevent exactly what had just happened. He did not want to hurt Mai Ding because of emotions he could not control. Mai Ding had thought he was running away, but An Zi Yan had actually been protecting him. Even when Grandpa died, An Zi Yan had given the last shred of his reason to Mai Ding.
Mai Ding’s nails dug into his palms. He quickly wiped away the tears threatening to spill with the back of his hand, not wanting An Zi Yan to notice. An Zi Yan stared at a small hole in the wall ahead of him. Outside the cabin, the world was a painter’s canvas, its colors growing darker and darker until nothing could be seen.
They stood there for a long time, until neither could make out the other’s face. There were no candles and no insects chirping. It was so quiet they could almost hear each other breathe.
“What was he wearing?”
“The same suit he wore to the wedding.”
Silence. Then An Zi Yan asked, “What about the photo album?”
“It’s with Grandpa.”
Another silence. Then he asked, “Which picture did they use on the gravestone?”
“Grandpa’s wedding photo with Grandma from when they were young.”
Question and answer. Silence, then quiet words. Finally, Mai Ding was faced with the question he least wanted to answer. An Zi Yan’s voice seemed near and far at once, sometimes heavy, sometimes faint, as though he were asking and answering himself. “So Grandpa really is gone. He’s never coming back?” Mai Ding used every bit of strength he had just to force out one word. “Mm.”
“That’s right. He’s dead. Dead.”
“An Zi Yan…”
An Zi Yan suddenly seized Mai Ding by the arm and dragged him toward the door. He pulled it open and shoved Mai Ding outside. Fireworks lit the distant sky, and in the instant An Zi Yan shut the door, they lit his beautiful face too. Something brighter than the fireworks glimmered in his eyes. Mai Ding stood motionless outside. Fireworks rose and fell behind him, bursting into every shape, but they could not draw his attention. From inside the cabin came An Zi Yan’s hoarse roar, followed by the dull thud of fists striking the wooden door, again and again and again. Not even the fireworks could drown out the sounds from inside, or An Zi Yan’s pain. Mai Ding placed his hand against the door and pressed his fingers hard into the wood.
The knife had already pierced all the way through Mai Ding’s heart. Every heartbeat hurt, but his heart could not stop beating, so he could not stop hurting.
At that moment, Mai Ding felt the deepest pain of his life.