Another winter had come. After days of overcast skies, the gloom finally cleared, and the rare sunlight felt pleasantly warm on the skin. Feng Xuanyi wandered alone through the imperial palace without any particular destination. There were things he did not fail to understand. He could only choose not to know them. It was the last effort he could make to preserve the fragile state between them.
Autumn had already swept away the hundred flowers of the Imperial Garden. Spring’s vitality was gone, summer’s splendor had faded, and now, before winter had even brought its first snowfall, almost nothing remained.
The lotus pond everyone had praised in summer was now covered by a thick layer of ice. On one bank stood Feng Xuanyi alone, silent and distant; on the other stood Nalan Xuan, equally solitary and proud.
Feng Xuanyi lifted his head and caught only a distant glimpse of him, yet for an instant it felt as though an entire lifetime lay between them.
Three years ago, in early summer, a twist of fate had brought them together beside the pond at Prince Rong’s Residence. Feng Xuanyi had stubbornly believed it was all part of a long-prepared scheme. But now, what did it matter whether it had been a scheme? After everything that had happened, even if it had been one, he would accept it.
Back then, Nalan Xuan would smile at him, rage at him, shout at him without the slightest regard for rank. Now, seen from across the lake, he simply stood there in silence. Only a stretch of frozen water separated them, yet it felt like an uncrossable gulf of a thousand mountains and rivers.
Then, despite the distance between them, Feng Xuanyi suddenly saw Nalan Xuan smile at him from the opposite bank. He froze where he stood, utterly at a loss, as though he had turned into a statue. Even if it was only his eyes deceiving him, he wished this moment could last a little longer.
Nalan Xuan was in an exceptionally good mood today. Early that morning, he had settled one matter that had long weighed on him. It was not enough, but at least he had finally tasted something sweet. Like a starving man suddenly presented with a feast, one glimpse was enough to make him crave more.
Everything that had happened in Donghua Palace that morning had left Nalan Xuan so pleased he could almost hum. He had sworn never to let anyone who wronged him live comfortably. Death? That would be far too easy. Living a life worse than death was the true punishment, and he was savoring its sweetness like nectar. Han Ruifeng’s shock and grief, Xiao Qi’s hysteria, and the way both of them had eventually been reduced to watching him in helpless despair had all delighted him. Han Ruifeng’s final reaction had irritated him, but considering how satisfying the rest of the morning had been, Nalan Xuan was willing to let that small flaw pass.
Child, can you see this from heaven? I could not protect you then, but at least now I have sent a servant to keep you company. Perhaps before long, I can even send you a younger brother or sister…
His gaze on the frozen lake was sharp and ruthless. When he casually lifted his head and noticed Feng Xuanyi standing opposite him, his already excellent mood improved further. Debts always had to be repaid. Since Han Ruifeng had already paid some interest, Nalan Xuan decided he might as well be kind enough to let Feng Xuanyi taste a little sweetness too.
A rare smile appeared on Nalan Xuan’s face, and for an instant everything around him seemed to lose its color. His gaze was gentle, his features breathtaking, without the rejection and barriers of the past, without even a trace of ridicule or mockery. It looked like complete acceptance and tolerance.
Nalan Xuan knew Feng Xuanyi could see him, yet after standing there smiling for quite some time, he received no response at all. Puzzled for a moment, he soon understood. He lifted a hand and beckoned lightly toward Feng Xuanyi. “Yi Hua.”
His voice was soft and gentle, but carried with inner force. Nalan Xuan knew Feng Xuanyi would hear every syllable clearly, and he knew just as well what that form of address meant to both of them.
Feng Xuanyi thought he had imagined it. Imperial dignity could go to hell. He was suddenly like a boy experiencing first love, so excited he hardly knew what to do with himself. As though his soul had been hooked away, he walked stiffly toward Nalan Xuan.
When he finally stopped before him, Feng Xuanyi experienced helplessness of a kind he had never known. He opened his mouth but could not find a single thing to say. The former Prince Rong, who had moved effortlessly among beauties of either sex and made countless people willing to pay any price to keep him near, seemed to have vanished. After standing there awkwardly for what felt like forever, he finally managed one faltering word: “Xuan.”
The instant it left his mouth, he regretted it. Feng Xuanyi knew how strongly Nalan Xuan rejected him. The rejection might not always be outwardly violent, but it was certainly not acceptance. Uneasily, he searched Nalan Xuan’s eyes, only to find the smile there deepening without the slightest hint of offense.
For a moment, Feng Xuanyi became certain he was dreaming. The dream felt so real that he would rather sleep forever than wake.
He pulled Nalan Xuan into his arms. Nalan Xuan did not resist. Instead, he lifted his arms around Feng Xuanyi’s waist and embraced him back.
The upheaval in Feng Xuanyi’s heart was impossible to describe. Suddenly, all the effort and torment of these days, even the fear of losing him again, seemed worthwhile. I will never let go again. Never. He tightened his arms around the person he loved and repeated the vow silently to himself, then kissed the top of Nalan Xuan’s head. There was no desire in it, only relief and joy.
More than three years… and for two of those years we were apart. How could I ever have had the heart to let him leave?
Feng Xuanyi reproached himself endlessly. Without his noticing, Nalan Xuan had grown taller. He was no longer the young servant at Prince Rong’s Residence who had needed to look up at him. Now they could meet each other eye to eye, stand on equal footing, and Feng Xuanyi had missed the years in which that growth and transformation had happened.
The regret was impossible to put into words, the remorse self-evident. Still, Feng Xuanyi comforted himself with the thought that they had the rest of their lives to witness each other’s changes.
They spoke very little. Hand in hand, without a single palace attendant accompanying them, the sovereign of a dynasty and the mother of the nation wandered leisurely through the Imperial Garden with smiles at their lips. They looked at plum trees tipped with frost, their buds not yet open, and when they tired, they sat in a pavilion drinking tea. Affection lingered openly in every glance.
Moon-Embracing Palace stood empty now, but because it had once been Nalan Xuan’s residence, Feng Xuanyi had never bestowed it upon another consort. Moon Lake did not freeze because warm spring water from the southern mountains flowed into it. Warmth and winter cold met above the surface, raising a pale veil of drifting mist.
The broad beds of blood-red hibiscus had already withered. Moon Lake still held its “full moon,” but the scene could no longer be whole. In the pavilion beside the lake, Feng Xuanyi sat on a stone stool and watched Nalan Xuan sway on the swing he had once built especially for him.
Their eyes met and warmth flowed silently between them. Peaceful years, quiet and untroubled, were perhaps nothing more than this.
Feng Xuanyi had known this feeling once, back when he was still Prince Rong. At the time, however, misgivings had remained in his heart, and those peaceful years had been something Nalan Xuan alone stubbornly believed in. Now that Feng Xuanyi had finally learned what such peace truly meant, after losing it and longing for it, Nalan Xuan had already discarded it like a worn-out shoe.
“I’m sorry.” Whatever imperial pride Feng Xuanyi once possessed was nowhere to be found. Words that had once been almost impossible for him to say now left his mouth with surprising ease.
Nalan Xuan only smiled without answering. Yet he did not reject the apology, did not resist violently, and did not answer with the cold sarcasm he once would have used.
Feng Xuanyi rose and moved behind him, pushing the swing gently now and then. “I know I’ve done many things wrong… Can we start over?”