Feng Xuanyi had asked Nalan Xuan this question more than once since recovering the person he had thought lost, but Nalan Xuan had always dismissed it without giving a real answer. This time, however, Nalan Xuan abruptly stopped the swing and stood before him, eyes shifting with unreadable light. In a soft voice, he said, “Okay.”
For an instant, Feng Xuanyi thought he had heard wrong. Shock, delight, a faint sorrow, a flash of bitterness, and an overwhelming happiness crashed over him at once. Even if this was a dream, even if every bit of it was false, he was willing to drown in it. His eyes suddenly burned so badly that something wet threatened to spill over.
Without another moment of hesitation, he pulled Nalan Xuan into his arms, fiercely and tightly, as though he wanted to press him into his own flesh and bones.
The embrace squeezed Nalan Xuan until his body grew numb and ached, but he did not push Feng Xuanyi away. He regarded this as the opening movement of a trap into which he had invited Feng Xuanyi to step, and Feng Xuanyi’s reaction pleased him greatly. As they embraced, Feng Xuanyi could not see the bloodthirsty, merciless smile at Nalan Xuan’s temple. Yet that smile froze in an instant. Perhaps Feng Xuanyi was not the only one dreaming. Through the thick layers of winter clothing, Nalan Xuan felt a patch of hot moisture against his shoulder and neck. How could that be…?
At that moment, perhaps everything was wrong, or perhaps everything was right. Perhaps they had returned to where they belonged, or perhaps there had never been any such place to return to.
The two of them stood silently embracing in the pavilion beside Moon Lake at Moon-Embracing Palace. The winter wind lifted their hair as time slipped quietly past, and for a moment it seemed as though this could last forever.
Once, when Nalan Xuan had still been Ning Xuan, he had struggled with the fact that Feng Xuanyi could never belong to him alone. Yet he had quickly compromised, because he had fallen in love. His love for Feng Xuanyi had been far greater than Feng Xuanyi’s love for him, and he had believed he understood the helplessness and sorrow that came with Feng Xuanyi’s position. So he understood, supported, and tolerated it. As long as, among all the men and women around Feng Xuanyi, he could be the one Feng Xuanyi loved most, even if he could never be the only one, the Nalan Xuan of that time had genuinely wanted to compromise and had decided to do so.
But Nalan Xuan was still Nalan Xuan. Ning Xuan was him, and Nalan Xuan was even more completely him. No one in this world truly existed without ties, family, or attachments. Those bonds might carry different weight, and everyone might have countless unavoidable difficulties, but once the final boundary was crossed, some things and some feelings changed. They could not return to what they had been, and he no longer wished them to.
At this moment, as Nalan Xuan rather than the identity he had once lived as, his emotions unexpectedly slipped beyond his control. Perhaps the damp warmth against his shoulder was simply too hot. He blinked against the sting in his eyes. His obsidian-dark gaze shone wetly, as though one fraction more would turn the gathered moisture into tears.
Mo Yan had remained behind in the Imperial Study for two whole hours after Feng Xuanyi left alone, but at last he could no longer sit still. He had been ordered to remain there, yet the emperor’s safety outweighed everything. With his heart swinging wildly between fear and panic, he gathered a large group of guards and palace attendants and nearly turned the entire palace upside down. When he finally reached the nearly abandoned Moon-Embracing Palace and saw the two men embracing beside Moon Lake, tears suddenly spilled from his eyes. The attendants and guards behind him were so startled they scarcely dared breathe and simply stopped where they were, waiting for Mo Yan’s instructions.
“Your Majesty.” After forcing his overflowing emotions back under control, Mo Yan resumed his usual composure. This was hardly the right moment to interrupt, but affairs of state came first. “Selected Attendant Qi, Noble Lady Yi, and the envoy are waiting outside the Imperial Study. Before departing, they would like to invite Your Majesty to join them for the midday meal.”
Feng Xuanyi and Nalan Xuan both froze. No matter how beautiful a dream might be, it was still a dream. However unwilling they were to wake, eventually they had to. And at this moment, the ones who woke them were Mo Yan and the weight of the realm.
They stepped out of each other’s arms. The warmth between them was replaced by cold air, and in that instant Feng Xuanyi suddenly had the illusion that he had just lost his final chance to win back the person before him.
As though making one last desperate struggle, Feng Xuanyi loosened the visible closeness between them somewhat in front of the attendants and guards, yet his hand remained locked around Nalan Xuan’s, stubbornly refusing to let go.
The dream still held a trace of warmth, and Feng Xuanyi did not want to wake. Yet someone else had already awakened in that instant with bitter regret. Nalan Xuan’s face still held the same gentle smile as before, but inside he had already gone cold. The warmth slowly faded from his eyes as he calmly watched Feng Xuanyi lose his composure.
“Together.” Feng Xuanyi could not bear to release this warmth he had lost, recovered, and then nearly lost again, all within such a painfully short moment. His eyes held a fear and unease Nalan Xuan had never seen before, as though he were clutching the last thing keeping him alive.
“No. Your Majesty will be dining with Selected Attendant Qi and Noble Lady Yi. It would be inappropriate for this subject to join you. I will take my leave.” With the same gentleness and without the slightest hesitation, Nalan Xuan withdrew his hand, folded his hands formally before his chest, and bowed.
The distinction between sovereign and subject, with ritual propriety drawn between them, forced the two men back to opposite sides once more.
Feng Xuanyi opened his mouth as though he wanted to say something, but in the end no words came. Silently, he turned and led the group back toward the Imperial Study.
Nalan Xuan narrowed his eyes dangerously as he watched Feng Xuanyi’s retreating figure, which looked defeated no matter how he viewed it. Light shifted restlessly in his gaze, and his expression changed from one moment to the next.
I set this game myself. I deliberately lured him into the trap. So why was there an instant when even I lost myself inside my own scheme?
Something must have gone wrong somewhere without my noticing.
Almost unconsciously, he lifted a hand to touch the dry corner of his eye. Just now, for no reason at all, he had actually felt the urge to cry.
His fingers trembled without his even realizing it. They slid from the corner of his eye along his cheek and jaw, then came to rest on the spot where Feng Xuanyi’s face had just been pressed against him. It really was wet.
Shock flashed through his eyes and vanished, replaced by a cold smile. He narrowed his gaze at the blood-red hibiscus reduced to bare, withered branches, then curved his lips in a bloodthirsty, venomous smile. It seems you are certain to lose this round.
“Master, how could you go out alone for so long without taking anyone to attend you? You scared this servant half to death.” Nalan Xuan had barely stepped through the gates of Fengyi Palace when a figure shot out of the main hall and ran straight toward him.
Xiao Jiu bent halfway at the waist, impossible to tell whether the posture came from loyalty or flattery, and offered Nalan Xuan a hand warmer wrapped in a gold-threaded brocade pouch. He cautiously raised his face just enough to study his silent master for a while. Growing bolder, he grinned. “Master looks like he’s in a very good mood.”
Nalan Xuan stopped abruptly, warming his hands around the warmer Xiao Jiu had given him. From above, he stared down at Xiao Jiu’s ingratiating grin until the smile stiffened and cold sweat gathered on the servant’s skin. Then Nalan Xuan suddenly smiled and resumed walking toward the hall. “Naturally.”
Xiao Jiu nearly lost his soul from fright. His heart had jumped into his throat, and in a single instant a wide patch of his back had been soaked with sweat. Had Nalan Xuan waited even one moment longer, Xiao Jiu was certain his legs would have given out beneath him.
“The midday meal was prepared ages ago, but we kept waiting and Master never came back. Would Master like to eat now, or…?” Though still shaken, Xiao Jiu doggedly followed after him.
“Did anyone come looking for me this morning?” Nalan Xuan showed no interest in answering the question.
Xiao Jiu paused. His eyes darted quickly, and he understood what his master meant. Lowering his voice, he said, “That person came. We didn’t know when Master would return, and she seemed determined to see you, so this servant had her wait in the side hall. Does Master want to see her now?”