Stories of lovers who cannot end up together have been told again and again throughout history.
After coming down the mountain, Lu Xingyan and Jiang Ji casually picked a restaurant. As they ate, Lu Xingyan ran through every tragic love story he knew: the Cowherd and Weaver Girl separated by the Milky Way, Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai dying for love, Bai Suzhen imprisoned beneath Leifeng Pagoda… It was not that he identified with them. Rather, he painfully realized that even tragic romances were always played out by a man and a woman. There was not a single one he and Jiang Ji could put themselves into.
Jiang Ji had not responded with a single word to his confession earlier. That was a bad sign piled on top of an already bad situation. Lu Xingyan could barely swallow his food and understood that, in all likelihood, he was going to be given up.
His current situation was a little like the question, “If your mother and I fell into the water at the same time, who would you save first?” How an ordinary person might answer was hard to say, but Jiang Ji undoubtedly cared more about Jiang Wanyi. The fact that he had been willing to hesitate over Lu Xingyan for so many days already moved him deeply.
“Eat some more.” Lu Xingyan forced out a smile and put some food into Jiang Ji’s bowl.
Today, they were wearing clothes similar to what they had worn on their hike six years ago: Jiang Ji in a pale purple T-shirt, jeans, and white shoes. It was an outfit that made him look exceptionally young and fresh, but it could not hide the steady composure that years of experience had given him.
When he looked over, there was a trace of gloom in his usually calm eyes that Lu Xingyan had rarely seen before.
Lu Xingyan’s heart clenched. Suddenly, he wished that he were the older brother instead.
If Jiang Ji were the younger one, he would not have to carry so many mature concerns or be responsible for anyone. Lu Xingyan could have grown up a few years ahead of him and, whenever Jiang Ji found himself in trouble, given him emotional support and financial security.
Unlike now, when Jiang Ji would not even complain about what he was going through. What exactly had he been thinking about all these days? He had no especially close friends, and he could not talk to his mother about something like this. He had to digest every emotion alone… Did he ever feel like crying?
Lu Xingyan hurriedly stopped himself from thinking any further. Otherwise, he was afraid he would be the one to start crying in front of his brother, and that would do nothing except make Jiang Ji even more troubled.
Racking his brains for a lighter subject, Lu Xingyan said, “Oh, right, Bro. Do you have any birthday wishes this year? If there’s something I can help with, how about I make it come true for you?”
“It’s still a long way off. I haven’t thought about it,” Jiang Ji said. “Last year I wished for the company to develop smoothly. Maybe I’ll wish for the same thing this year.”
Lu Xingyan was a little speechless. “That was your wish the year before last too. And the year before that.”
Jiang Ji smiled. “That proves wishing works.”
“…”
The moment he smiled, his eyes brightened, and Lu Xingyan’s heart lightened with them. His old problem immediately flared up again: he wanted to kiss him.
Lu Xingyan hardly dared imagine how he was supposed to survive the next several decades of his life if they were no longer together and he could never kiss Jiang Ji again.
“What present did you prepare for me?” Jiang Ji suddenly asked.
“No spoilers.” Lu Xingyan deliberately kept him in suspense. “If I tell you beforehand, where’s the surprise?”
It was not an especially original present, really. He had simply put more thought into it than buying something off the shelf, because Lu Xingyan was making it himself.
Putting the skills from his major to use, Lu Xingyan wrote a program.
He handled all the code and UI design himself. Its functions were not complicated; it was somewhat like a notebook app, but the way it displayed its contents was much richer, more interesting, and prettier than an ordinary notebook.
Lu Xingyan first wrote down his memories in his notes, recording everything about Jiang Ji that he could remember, sorting them into categories, then hiding them throughout different subpages of the program.
Whether the memory was important or trivial, something he loved or hated, an act of self-deception or a moment when his feelings had become impossible to restrain… he did not want to leave out a single moment that had truly existed. He wanted to give all of them to Jiang Ji.
Other than digging out his own heart, this was the only way Lu Xingyan could think of to offer Jiang Ji his true feelings. Jiang Ji would open the program and explore it little by little, as though exploring Lu Xingyan’s heart itself.
The program was called A Heart.
According to Lu Xingyan’s plan, the photographs would serve as illustrations for some of his more secret emotions and be hidden deeper inside A Heart, where Jiang Ji would have to explore carefully to find them. He had even considered adding passwords for Jiang Ji to guess, but he was worried Jiang Ji would not have the patience…
In any case, it was not finished yet. Maybe he would come up with better ideas over the next few days.
When the idea for this birthday present had first occurred to him a few days ago, Lu Xingyan had been certain Jiang Ji would like it. Now, however, he was no longer sure whether their precarious relationship would even last until Jiang Ji’s birthday…
After finishing their meal, they did not go home together. Lu Xingyan drove off, while someone came to pick Jiang Ji up. They parted by the roadside, and Jiang Ji did not say what he would be busy with that afternoon.
Lu Xingyan waited a few days. On June 25, he received the photographs after the photographer finished the post-processing. He saved the digital copies on his computer for later and also had two hardcover physical albums made, planning to give one of them to Jiang Ji.
He did not know whether Jiang Ji would like it, but Lu Xingyan certainly did.
He bitterly regretted spending the past ten years stubbornly denying his feelings and avoiding his brother, leaving the two of them without even one decent keepsake together.
—Now they finally had one.
Lu Xingyan could hardly put the album down and flipped through it again and again. He was not streaming that afternoon, and no one was home except the housekeeper, so he quietly slipped into Jiang Ji’s room and left the album there. He stuck a note to the cover that read: One for each of us.
So ceremonial. They were even being handed out like marriage certificates.
After delivering it, Lu Xingyan returned to his room and continued working on the birthday present.
Over the past few days, he had deliberately kept his emotions under control, refusing to think either positively or negatively. He simply did whatever needed doing, emptied his mind, and immersed himself in his memories, portraying all the different versions of Jiang Ji from different periods of their lives and writing them into the program. Amid all the suffering, he unexpectedly found himself feeling happy.
—But bad things did not stop happening simply because he refused to think about them.
At around six that evening, the housekeeper was downstairs preparing dinner. Lu Xingyan habitually left his bedroom door open and could hear the sounds of ingredients being prepared in the kitchen.
When Jiang Wanyi came home and the click of high heels sounded on the stairs, Lu Xingyan was chatting with Sun Cheng.
The two of them had barely been in contact recently. Sun Cheng still felt guilty about what had gone wrong at the last dinner and was afraid of getting cursed out, while Lu Xingyan had been in no mood for idle chatter. More than half a month had passed since their last conversation.
Noticing that something was off with his buddy, Sun Cheng risked getting yelled at and reached out first. “How are things with you and your brother lately? You guys okay?”
Lu Xingyan sent him a middle-finger sticker and replied sarcastically, “We haven’t broken up yet. Thanks so much for your concern.”
Sun Cheng: “What do you mean, ‘haven’t broken up yet’?”
Lu Xingyan did not really want to talk about it, but having someone to vent to was still better than nothing. “My brother thinks we don’t have a future. We can’t come out.”
“Then don’t come out,” Sun Cheng said simply. “Keep it secret. If you two don’t say anything, nobody will know.”
“We can’t hide it for the rest of our lives,” Lu Xingyan said. “The truth always comes out eventually. In another couple of years, both of us will start getting pressured to marry. Who knows when we’ll accidentally give ourselves away?”
Sun Cheng: “Hide it one day at a time. Enjoy yourselves while you can.”
Lu Xingyan: “Ugh. Living on edge every day like that gives you no sense of security. You wouldn’t understand.”
Sun Cheng: “Fuck, you’re right. I really don’t.”
Sun Cheng: “You’re talking so seriously today. You’re not even pretending you don’t care anymore. I’m not used to this.”
Sun Cheng: “Don’t scare me, Lu Xingyan. Are you okay? You’re not depressed, are you?”
Lu Xingyan: “…”
“I’m perfectly fine.” Sitting listlessly in front of his computer, Lu Xingyan slowly typed, “I just can’t quite figure out what the point of being alive is anymore.”
“Fuck.” Sun Cheng was genuinely frightened. “Don’t do that. Even if we take ten thousand steps back, romance is only one part of life…”
For once, Sun Cheng behaved like a decent human being and seriously tried to comfort Lu Xingyan, sending him a long block of text.
But Lu Xingyan had only read two lines when he heard the sound of high heels approaching.
There were only a few people in the house, and everyone’s footsteps sounded different. High heels were even more distinctive. Lu Xingyan immediately knew Jiang Wanyi was home and did not pay much attention.
Unexpectedly, Jiang Wanyi actually stopped outside his room and knocked lightly. “Xiao Yan, are you streaming?”
Lu Xingyan answered that he was not.
Hearing that, Jiang Wanyi naturally walked in carrying several shopping bags. She handed one to him with a smile. “I bought a piece of gold jewelry for each of you, you and your brother. They’re set with rose quartz—it’s supposed to bring good luck in love.”
“…”
Lu Xingyan choked for a moment but had no choice but to take it and thank her, his expression slipping somewhat out of control. Fortunately, Jiang Wanyi did not look closely and left after giving him the gift.
Lu Xingyan sat back down and continued chatting with Sun Cheng.
He was in a bad mood and did not pay attention to where Jiang Wanyi went. It took him quite a while to realize that the sound of her footsteps had not gone far. She seemed to have entered the room next door.
Lu Xingyan’s heart gave a jolt. He vaguely sensed that something was wrong, but his phone vibrated and took most of his attention, so he did not react immediately.
It was only ten or so seconds later that Lu Xingyan belatedly remembered there was an album in the room next door.
That was more than enough time for Jiang Wanyi to put down Jiang Ji’s gift, close the door, and leave. Yet no footsteps sounded outside. She had not left.
Lu Xingyan’s heart nearly stopped.
Looking on the bright side, perhaps she had not seen the album. Even if she had, she might not open it. Maybe she was simply tidying Jiang Ji’s room while she was there.
But if she had opened it—
“…” Lu Xingyan’s head went blank. Pretending to remain calm, he walked into the room next door.
The door was half open. Jiang Wanyi stood with her back to him in front of the desk, her head lowered. He could not see what she was doing.
“Auntie,” Lu Xingyan murmured from the doorway.
His voice was not loud, but the person inside seemed to be immersed in some intense concentration. She abruptly turned around, startled so badly that whatever she was holding fell from her hand with a smack, its pages flying open as it hit the floor.
It was the very album that absolutely could not be seen.