Is it over? Has a relationship that lasted this long really ended just like that?
The two of them stopped speaking entirely. An Zi Yan did not go to school, leaving the seat beside Mai Ding empty—and Mai Ding’s heart just as empty. Lu Wei came to see Mai Ding every day, but Mai Ding spent his days in such a daze that even speaking to him was difficult. Lu Wei was not impatient. He simply waited gently beside him, confident that given enough time, his own love would replace Mai Ding’s pain.
Can you hurt two people like this without your conscience bothering you?
You say we’re finished, so that means we’re finished? But what am I supposed to do when I can’t do it?
Mai Ding remained at home and did not dare tell anyone. The moment An Zi Yan’s name was mentioned, he wanted to cry.
“Mai Ding, you’re fucking shameless.”
“Mai Ding, if you take one more step, we’re finished.”
An Zi Yan’s hurtful words became Mai Ding’s nightmare every night. He had lost count of how many nights he had dreamed of An Zi Yan. The sweetness inside those dreams gradually faded, and every time he woke, he discovered his face covered in tears. Even when he had fought with his parents, he had never felt this exhausted. Back then, at least An Zi Yan had still been there. Now he wasn’t.
One day, Mai Ding went out to buy something for his mother and unexpectedly ran into An Zi Yan. Mai Ding froze, having no idea what to do. But An Zi Yan did not even look at him. As though they were strangers, he simply walked straight past. Mai Ding’s heart hurt and hurt again, until even breathing seemed to tug painfully at that place inside his chest.
I’d rather you punish me. Just don’t ignore me.
Bai Xiao Si’s call came rather late. She had deliberately allowed the two of them to suffer for a while so they could finally understand how important their relationship truly was to each of them. She had heard that An Zi Yan spent every day locked inside the apartment playing piano, as he always did when he was in a bad mood. She had heard that Mai Ding woke up every morning with swollen eyes. She had heard people saying the two of them would not survive this crisis now that a third party had appeared. But from beginning to end, Bai Xiao Si had never believed anything could truly separate them. Reconciliation was inevitable. She was simply calling to speed it up.
“Mai Ding.”
“Xiao Si, you have no idea, I—” Mai Ding was about to pour out everything inside him when Bai Xiao Si interrupted.
“Haven’t you gone a little too far this time? Cheng Yi told me everything.”
“I went too far? He cursed at me first. He was the one who said we were finished. Xiao Si, are even you taking his side?”
“You deserved it. All you remember is that he cursed at you and said you were finished. Why don’t you think about why he cursed at you? And was he really the one who ended things, or were you the one who accepted the breakup?”
“Wasn’t it all because of Lu Wei? He’s only a friend. Am I not even allowed to make friends without watching An Zi Yan’s mood?”
“Idiot. Forget for a second what kind of bastard Lu Wei actually is. When has An Zi Yan ever stopped you from making friends? What about Li Ming? Zhou Ge and Ellen? Me? He stops you from being around people who might hurt you. You keep insisting that An Zi Yan didn’t trust that you and Lu Wei were innocent, but what about you? When did you choose to trust An Zi Yan? Mai Ding, I’ll put it this way: no matter what An Zi Yan says or does, I will believe him. Because I love him. I love him like family, and I love him like a friend. But you—if even my love for him is stronger than yours, then I should never have given An Zi Yan up to you in the first place. I gave him to you because I trusted you with him, not so you could hurt him like this. When your kindness and your love come into conflict, which one are you going to choose?”
“I hurt him?”
“Who else could? Other than you, who could possibly hurt him? Who else even can hurt him? Every sentence you say, every single word, can hurt him. He shouldn’t have cursed at you like that, but compared with the things you did and said, have you actually thought about it? You were the one defending another man. You were the one who walked away with another man. Mai Ding, how could you do something this stupid? What the hell is Lu Wei worth that you’d sacrifice your relationship for him?”
“And now let’s talk about exactly what kind of person Lu Wei is.” Bai Xiao Si told Mai Ding everything she had learned about what happened. Mai Ding sat on his bed feeling as though he had been an idiot from beginning to end. How could he have made such an elementary mistake? He pinched himself hard. Why did I fight with An Zi Yan over some man who doesn’t matter at all? The selfish one wasn’t An Zi Yan. It was me.
After finishing her call with Mai Ding, Bai Xiao Si called An Zi Yan. He answered without saying anything.
“Hey, haven’t you punished him enough? If he cries himself sick, don’t start feeling sorry for him afterward. He’s probably going to Lu Wei’s company right now. I told him everything. And I’m not trying to lecture you, but you know how limited his intelligence is. If something’s going on, why don’t you just explain it clearly to him? He can’t judge people properly, so teach him. He handled this terribly, but then you went and joined him in making a mess of everything.”
An Zi Yan hung up on Bai Xiao Si while she was still nagging him.
Mai Ding ran toward Lu Wei’s company like a madman. That bastard had made Mai Ding behave like someone he could barely recognize. Every time he remembered the accusations he had thrown at An Zi Yan and the hurt in An Zi Yan’s eyes, Mai Ding’s heart hurt worse than being stabbed with needles. He loved An Zi Yan so much, yet the person who had inflicted those wounds was Mai Ding himself. The company was crowded, but Mai Ding spotted Lu Wei immediately. He marched straight over and slapped him. His eyes red, Mai Ding shouted, “That slap was for An Zi Yan!” Then he raised his hand and slapped Lu Wei again. “And that one was for me! I trusted you that much, and you still did something this shameless!”
Lu Wei quickly recovered from his surprise. So Mai Ding had found out. Still, he had not given up. “Didn’t you say I was better than him? Gentler? More considerate?”
“Maybe I never explained myself clearly. Sure, I wish An Zi Yan could be gentler and more considerate and a little less childish, but since when is love perfect? Besides, I love everything about him. He can make me so angry I stamp my feet, leave me completely speechless, make me want to kill somebody—but he can also make me happy, patiently take care of me when I’m sick, say things that make my heart race, and give me extravagant promises. For me, if he left, I could be smiling and still somehow cry. Don’t you understand yet? You might possess things he doesn’t, but you’re not An Zi Yan. No matter how many good qualities you have, to me you’re nothing but some passerby. And besides, you don’t even come close to him. You aren’t worthy of being compared with him. I must have been fucking blind before. Just thinking about being liked by somebody like you makes me sick.”
Everyone in the company was watching the spectacle. Lu Wei somehow remained composed as he stared at the furious Mai Ding. “You really won’t reconsider?”
“I love him too much. I even adore the bad parts of him. I barely have enough time to love him. Where would I find time to consider you? You think far too highly of yourself. From beginning to end, I never even bothered looking closely enough to remember what you look like.”
“Pretty words,” Lu Wei sneered. “If your love is really as magnificent as you claim, would I have been able to break you apart? He doesn’t even want you anymore. What good does saying all of this do now? You might as well come with me before you end up with nothing at all.”
Lu Wei’s words left Mai Ding frozen and speechless. It was all his fault. He had lost his own love with his own hands. Lu Wei stepped forward and patted Mai Ding’s shoulder. Mai Ding angrily backed away.
“Who said I don’t want him?”
That familiar voice came from behind him. Mai Ding could hardly believe his ears. He spun around in panic and saw An Zi Yan walking toward them.
An Zi Yan pulled Mai Ding behind himself and immediately punched Lu Wei directly in the nose—the same nose that had only recently been set. “Didn’t I tell you not to touch him?”
Lu Wei clutched his nose in agony as it began bleeding again. This time he could barely even speak. He could only stare in shock at An Zi Yan, unable to understand why he was here.
“You thought you could take him away without my permission? I told you—you’re looking to die.” An Zi Yan walked toward one of the office desks.
“He defended me in front of you. He took my side and blamed you. And you still want someone like that?”
An Zi Yan grabbed a chair. Without even hesitating, he swung it straight at Lu Wei’s head. Lu Wei collapsed to the ground, blood beginning to run from his scalp. Several women nearby screamed. An Zi Yan frowned. “You actually dare bring that up? Every time I think about it, I get pissed off all over again. Stop saying ‘someone like this’ and ‘someone like that’ to me.”
An Zi Yan grabbed Mai Ding and was about to leave when he looked back at Lu Wei writhing on the floor. “If you ever appear in front of me again, I’ll run you over with my car.” Lu Wei stared at An Zi Yan. There was not the slightest hint of a joke in his expression. He meant it.
Mai Ding allowed An Zi Yan to hold his hand and lead him away without saying a word. It was only once they were both sitting inside the car that the thousands of apologies jammed inside Mai Ding’s throat began fighting to get out. But before any of the words could emerge, his tears started pouring down.
An Zi Yan reached out, pulled the emotional Mai Ding into his arms, and spoke gently in that beautiful voice. “All right. Stop crying. It was my fault too. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”
Mai Ding cried even harder. He and An Zi Yan had been together for more than a year, and never once had An Zi Yan apologized to him. Mai Ding had always been the one apologizing. This was the first time he had ever heard An Zi Yan’s apology so clearly, in An Zi Yan’s own voice. Mai Ding shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. An Zi Yan, I’m sorry. I did something so stupid. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Mai Ding repeated the words endlessly, but none of them seemed enough to make up for the guilt inside him.
“Let’s never fight like this again. From now on, if you tell me not to be around somebody, I won’t even look at that person again. We’re never saying anything about separating again. From now on, I’m just going to love you properly.” Mai Ding pressed himself tightly against An Zi Yan, feeling his warmth and his heartbeat.
Only after making up did they realize that nothing had ever really been worth fighting over. Still, there was no need to blame themselves too much. Lovers fought because love could so easily make someone lose control. Those overwhelming emotions and the wounds that followed were simply side effects of loving someone.
The moment An Zi Yan heard the things Mai Ding had said to Lu Wei, he had already become incapable of staying angry with him.
An Zi Yan patted the crying Mai Ding in his arms. “Didn’t you say you even love the bad parts of me?”
“Yeah.”
“Actually, when you saw me pretend not to know you a few days ago, I did it deliberately to piss you off.” An Zi Yan said it as casually as though it meant nothing.
Mai Ding lifted his tear-streaked face from An Zi Yan’s chest. “AN ZI YAN! You bastard! How childish can you possibly be?”
“Didn’t you just say you love that?”
An Zi Yan started the car with a wicked smile. Mai Ding angrily wiped away his tears. “Don’t get too smug. I seriously regret not recording your apology just now. That was the first time you ever apologized to me!”
“It’ll also be the only time in this lifetime.”
“Why?!”
“No particular reason. I’m never going to curse at you like that again in this lifetime, so if I never do anything that requires an apology, why would I need to apologize?”
The moment An Zi Yan finished speaking, Mai Ding’s face blossomed into a brilliant smile. “An Zi Yan, I love you.”
“Seriously? That line again?”
“I love you. I love you. An Zi Yan, I love you. I’m going to keep saying it until I annoy you to death.”
Our love is slowly growing up. This time, nothing will ever separate us again.
I’ll always stand behind you, and I’ll never look at anyone else again.
Last winter:
“This is up to you, but you’re not fucking going on that blind date.”
“But—”
“No buts. Let me make this perfectly clear: you have to choose between me and that blind date. The two cannot coexist.”
“I choose you. Whenever you appear as one of the choices, I’ll always choose you.”
Believe me. It will still be the same from now on.
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