Futile Devices Scans

At dusk, at the drill ground.

The soldiers had finished a day of training and sat cross-legged on the courtyard’s crushed white-stone ground, eating flatbread and drinking porridge as they rested and chatted. The place was lively. Drill Instructor Li sat alone in the farthest corner beneath the corridor, head lowered as he rubbed oil paste into his saber.

That saber was glossy black from end to end, narrow and slender, extremely distinctive. The soldiers nearby stole a few curious looks, wanting to ask where it had come from, but Drill Instructor Li was both strict and aloof. They hesitated, but not one of them dared open his mouth.

Commander Zhang lurked sneakily outside the courtyard, poking his head around. From afar, he locked his eyes on Drill Instructor Li, grinned, and slipped over in a flash.

“Coming? Elder Sister and Brother-in-law are waiting for you to eat.”

Li Si put away his saber and the tools, still refusing to answer, and silently stood. But every time Zhang San moved one step closer, he shifted one step away.

The two advanced and retreated like that, taking a ridiculous detour around the courtyard. Under the curious gazes of the soldiers, they finally managed to leave.

＊

Once they reached a quiet, deserted part of the alley, Zhang San sidled over again and tried to touch Li Si’s hand. Li Si dodged left and right as though avoiding a fly. Zhang San shamelessly kept pestering him, so Li Si wrinkled his little tanned face, shook loose his little horse hooves, and ran off without so much as a neigh.

“Hey! Wait for me!”

Zhang San chased him for ages before finally catching up inside Elder Sister’s courtyard. Li Si had arrived long before him and had already taken over Zhang San’s usual place, helping Elder Sister wash and chop vegetables.

Elder Sister had only just learned that Fourth often helped Grandma cook at home too, and that his knife skills were this good. Watching from the side, she praised him again and again. Fourth even washed vegetables cleanly, carefully, and thoroughly, unlike that greedy imp Third, who only swiped things carelessly with his tiger paws and splashed water everywhere. The greedy imp himself came striding into the courtyard and was scolded by his elder sister the moment he entered.

“What mischief did you get up to again? Look how angry you’ve made my perfectly good Si’er! And you’re still laughing! Get over there and help your brother-in-law sew shoe soles!”

Zhang San was clumsy-handed and clumsy-footed, and he could not sew shoe soles properly either. After barely starting, he had already torn two pieces of cloth. Brother-in-law sighed again and again, but with his good temper, did not blame him. He simply picked up the sewing basket and hid inside the house.

Zhang San wandered around the courtyard in boredom. Everyone shooed him away wherever he went, yet he only grinned and took no offense.

What did being disliked a few times or scolded a few words matter? He had touched the little horsewhip, and he was as happy as a little immortal. The darker the sky grew, the more eagerly he looked forward to it—once night fell and everything was dark, he would touch it a few more times! Hehe!

＊

The county market had regained its liveliness, so the oil mill had reopened as well, and Elder Sister had bought a jar of sesame oil. Tonight’s dinner was hot-mixed hand-pulled noodles. The oiled strips of dough were stretched into long strands and cooked, then scooped out and mixed with chopped radish, tofu, and napa cabbage before being drizzled with soy sauce and sesame oil. Tossed together while still piping hot, they were glossy, fragrant, savory, springy, and smooth.

A round fried egg was placed in each person’s bowl too. One bite and the soft yolk spilled out.

Li Si ate without lifting his head, silently slurping down an enormous bowl. When he reached the bottom, there was unexpectedly another fried egg waiting there—Elder Sister had secretly hidden an extra one for him.

He lifted his head and smiled shyly at Elder Sister. The corners of his mouth had barely curved upward when Zhang San, sitting beside him, placed his own fried egg into Li Si’s bowl too, and Li Si’s smile immediately collapsed.

“Hey! Is my egg poisoned?”

Elder Sister rapped Zhang San with her chopsticks. “Stop bullying him! Take back that filthy egg covered in your saliva!”

Zhang San resentfully took the egg back.

What do you mean filthy? Your perfectly good Si’er has eaten my saliva before anyway…

＊

After dinner, the family sat together and chatted for a while. Zhang San helped Elder Sister tidy the stove, while Li Si went inside and sat beneath the oil lamp to accompany Brother-in-law as he sewed shoe soles.

Elder Sister glanced inside and cursed under her breath, “He only came back yesterday, and today you’ve already quarreled again? How are you so good at provoking him?”

“Heh, hitting is affection, scolding is lo—” Before Zhang San could finish, he received a tiger-paw slap.

“You heartless dog! He came all this way to find you. Did he come here to be bullied by you? Go back and apologize properly!”

“I know, I know. Tonight I’ll talk things through with him, then pamper him a little more, heh…”

“You’re still laughing! Still thinking about making mischief?!”

“Hey, hey! My ear! It hurts…”

＊

It was getting late, so the two bade Elder Sister and Brother-in-law farewell and returned to the county yamen to rest.

Li Si walked ahead carrying the lantern, still silent. The road was quiet and deserted, so Zhang San sidled close and asked, “Little colt, still angry?”

“…”

“It was my fault. If there’s something on your mind, talk it through with me, all right?”

“…”

No matter how Zhang San teased him, there was no response, so he suddenly stopped walking on purpose. Sure enough, after Li Si went a little farther alone, he stopped too. He waited there for a long while, sighed softly, then came back with the lantern to look for him.

The moment Li Si came close, Zhang San pulled him into his arms and refused to let go. Holding him tightly, he smiled. “Calmed down?”

In truth, Li Si’s anger had long since passed. Aside from when he was training soldiers, he could not bear to be apart from Brother Xiao for even the blink of an eye. How angry could he really remain?

He wanted to talk things through with Brother Xiao too, but he did not know where to begin. He had told Brother Xiao not to lie to him, and Brother Xiao lied to him twice more in the blink of an eye. He told Brother Xiao not to touch him, and Brother Xiao only touched him more enthusiastically. He wanted to tell Brother Xiao not to use his own life as bait again, not to take risks so easily—but would Brother Xiao truly listen?

Li Si also knew that whenever he shed tears, Brother Xiao would definitely soften and coax him no matter what he said. But Li Si had grown up now. He had responsibilities. He knew he could not casually cry and make Brother Xiao worry, so whenever he could hold the tears back, he tried his hardest. He would never use tears to trick Brother Xiao.

Besides, even if Brother Xiao softened and coaxed him with his mouth, the moment he turned around, would he not still do whatever he thought he ought to do?

Brother Xiao was smarter than him, more capable than him, and far less obedient. Li Si truly had no way to deal with him.

Once Li Si accepted the fact that I have no way to deal with Brother Xiao, he sighed again. With no solution at all, he could only coax himself a little—sighing, he kissed Brother Xiao on the mouth.

Kiss the sweet fruit. Kiss the clouds. Make myself feel a little better.

The sweet fruit and clouds laughed aloud, having no idea what this little colt had been thinking about with his eyes lowered. In any case, he had somehow managed to coax himself happy again in no time.

＊

The two were like little birds hiding beneath the eaves of the alley, gently pecking at one another several times. They hugged so tightly that something hard pressed between their chests.

Zhang San drew back slightly and took out the oil-paper packet he had carried inside his robe all day. When he opened it, the last two pieces of peanut cake had both been crushed flat into a broken mess.

He barely managed to pick out one piece that still held its shape and asked Li Si, “It’s all smashed up. Still want it?”

Li Si never wasted food, so he nodded and reached to take it.

But Zhang San smiled wickedly. “I’ll teach you how to eat it.”

As he spoke, he stuffed the broken cake into his own mouth, then kissed Li Si.

“Eh… mm…”

Li Si stared blankly with wide eyes, unable to tell whether Brother Xiao was eating cake or eating a person. Before long, he had been “eaten” until he could barely breathe.

At last they separated, both panting, faces flushed red. Saliva gleamed at the corners of their mouths, and they each wiped themselves in embarrassment.

There were still crumbs left in the oil-paper packet.

“Still eating?”

“…Eating.”

＊

That flattened mess of broken cake took a very long time to finish.

Li Si ate as though he had fallen into the clouds, so happy he seemed to float. All his anger vanished, and his confusion and worries disappeared like smoke.

Brother Xiao really was more impressive than him. Even when coaxing someone, he was this impressive.

Good thing Li Si had worked hard all day and stubbornly ignored him. Otherwise, he would have been coaxed happy first thing in the morning!

＊

A hunchbacked night watchman carrying a lantern passed by. The night was pitch-black, and he failed to notice the two large sparrows hidden in the shadows, pecking at each other’s mouths.

Without warning, Li Si was kissed into letting out a breathy sound, startling the old man so badly that he cried, “Aiyo!” and toppled toward the ground.

The two hurriedly sprang out to catch him, frightening him even worse.

“Ghosts!”

“Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid!” Zhang San quickly said. “It’s me, Commander Zhang!”

The old man’s eyesight was poor. He brought the lantern close and stared for a long time before trembling, “Com-Commander Zhang, you frightened this old man to death.”

The two supported him from either side and comforted him for quite a while. They even accompanied him on his rounds and escorted him all the way home. Seeing how poor and bare the night watchman’s house was, Zhang San forcibly gave him one guan in copper cash to help with his living expenses, then asked how much pay and grain he received from the county yamen each month for keeping watch. He promised to speak with Clerk Chen and have a little more added to his monthly allotment.

＊

The two bade the old man farewell and returned to the rear courtyard of the county yamen.

The moment Cook Wu saw them, she laughed. “What happened to your faces?”

Both of them blankly touched their faces and came away with handfuls of peanut crumbs, stuck across half their cheeks like beards. They had gone to escort the old man home wearing these peanut beards, and because his eyesight was so poor, he had failed to notice anything either.

They drew a large bucket of water themselves, carried it to the county yamen bathhouse, washed their faces, then rinsed each other off.

A dripping-wet Sisi naturally had an appeal all his own, and Zhang San, who had restrained himself all day, immediately grew restless again. But the bathhouse was public, and clerks and runners on duty came and went.

He finally endured until they returned to the main room. He shut the wooden door, dropped the bolt, then turned and bared his tiger teeth at Sisi, ready to unleash his tiger nature.

Li Si knew nothing of the approaching danger and was still rummaging through the bundle he had brought from the capital. Yesterday he had been too tired, today too angry, and he had forgotten all about it.

“Brother Xiao, I also brought something for you. It’s…”

Before he could finish, Brother Xiao wrapped an arm around his waist and pounced him fiercely onto the large bed.

“Tomorrow!”

＊

Li Si was tiger-pounced onto the bed, his face full of pure bewilderment. Zhang San paid no attention to that innocent little face—after all, the little fool could use a “saber” now! That “nightmare” this morning might very well have been some wonderful dream! It definitely was not Zhang San being presumptuous and filthy-minded all by himself!

Burning with impatience, he began stripping Li Si’s clothes. Poor, bewildered Li Si still thought Brother Xiao was simply helping him undress for bed and obediently offered no resistance, letting himself be positioned however Brother Xiao pleased…

Until Brother Xiao stripped him down to his underpants and reached through the cloth to grab him there again.

Li Si: “???”

He seized the misbehaving tiger paw, curled his body, and shrank backward. “What are you doing?!”

Brother Xiao grinned so widely his mouth would not close. “I hurt you this morning when I grabbed you. I’ll help you take care of it.”

Li Si shook his head in fright. “You’re not allowed!”

Brother Xiao coaxed him warmly. “I’ll do it gently. It’ll feel good.”

Li Si kept shrinking into the corner of the bed. Who would believe that? Big liar! Even now he was grinning wickedly, like some huge evil tiger about to eat a person!

Li Si was determined to hide, and Brother Xiao was determined to make mischief. The two shoved and wrestled, making the large bed rock and tremble with a noisy burst of bang! clatter! bang! clang!

＊

The lamp in Cook Wu’s room was still burning. She sat at the table mending clothes and, hearing the faint commotion, asked doubtfully, “Husband, listen. Are those two fighting?” As she spoke, she set down her needle and thread and started to rise.

Her husband hurriedly stopped her. “Don’t go, don’t go! At this hour, with those two so close, what kind of sounds do you think there could be?”

Seeing her husband’s expression, Cook Wu froze. After thinking about it, she was still worried. “Surely not? Young Master is simple by nature. He doesn’t understand anything.”

Her husband looked profoundly knowing. “This sort of thing—who isn’t born understanding it? Besides, even if he doesn’t understand, surely Boss does?”

＊

Young Master truly did not understand by nature.

As for Boss, he was an even bigger fake expert, no better than Li Si—a blind fool who only knew how to mess around. It was bad enough that he had no technique; he was rough and reckless too. That huge paw in the morning had grabbed Li Si so painfully that the spot had ached faintly all day, and in such an embarrassing place besides!

No matter how Zhang San coaxed him, Li Si would sooner die than let him touch him again.

The two truly began fighting, from the bed all the way to the floor, fighting so fiercely that they lost themselves in it. Several tooth marks were bitten into Li Si’s arms, while Zhang San’s chest received several hoof-shaped kicks.

He took another kick to the backside and rolled straight off the bed. Springing back up, he cried urgently, “I’m not actually bullying you! Why won’t you believe me about this either? Taking care of it really does feel good!”

Li Si would have to be an idiot to believe him. He clamped both hands protectively over his crotch, dragged the bedding into a heap in front of himself, and rapidly built a defensive fortification as if preparing for war. He shrank behind it warily, even groping up the saber beside the bed and threatening Zhang San with the sheath.

Zhang San was both angry and amused. With Li Si hiding like this, his tiger nature could only be forced back down. But the more he looked at that little figure ducking and dodging behind the bedding, the more unbearably fond he became.

But the more unbearably fond I am, the less I can go on living on plain fare like this!

I’m dying for a taste! Awoo!

Zhang San’s eyes rolled back and forth. He slowly retreated toward the table, poured himself a cup of cold tea, and pretended to rest. In reality, his eyes kept darting toward the bed like a great cat lying in ambush, cunningly watching its prey and thinking hard about how to dismantle the defenses and eat this little thing who loved kicking up his hooves.

He swallowed a mouthful of tea, cleared his throat, and said, “Ahem. Didn’t you say you had something to give me?”

Li Si shook his head fiercely. “Not giving it anymore!” He was so bad. Li Si absolutely would not give it to him now.

Zhang San resentfully drank another mouthful, then once again retreated in order to advance. “Then… I’ll go sleep in the next room?”

Li Si hid behind the bedding without speaking.

Zhang San put down the teacup and slowly walked toward the door. Just as his hand touched the bolt, a pillow flew from behind him. He turned and caught it squarely in his arms.

Li Si’s face was all wrinkled up as he rearranged the bedding into one long ridge directly down the center of the bed, dividing it into inner and outer halves. Then he slapped Zhang San’s side heavily, signaling for him to sleep there.

Zhang San held it in and held it in, but still burst out laughing and happily climbed back into bed.

The little thing had even learned how to threaten him now. “If you touch me during the night, I’ll move back to the drill ground to sleep.”

“Pfft. Could you bear to?”

“I could!”

“If you move back to the drill ground, will you still come home with me to Elder Sister’s for dinner?”

“…I will!”

＊

Li Si slept the entire night with his face scrunched up, dreaming that Brother Xiao grabbed his crotch all night long. He decided he was moving back to the drill ground… only to discover that one hundred Brother Xiaos were sleeping there! All lining up to grab him!

Why is the big tiger so bad?! Why is he so bad?!

Zhang San also slept the whole night with his face scrunched up, dreaming he had become a mountain king in the earthen fortress. Zhou Qi and Zhou Ba came running to report: Great King! Your little ones caught a hundred young masters at the foot of the mountain and tied them all up as an offering to Your Elderly Self… But all one hundred young masters refused to let him touch them! They lined up to kick him!

Why is the little colt so foolish?! Why is he so foolish?!

＊

Both woke pent-up and frantic the next morning and squatted together in the corner of the courtyard washing their underpants. Zhang San tried to help Li Si wash his too, and Li Si, both embarrassed and angry, splashed water at him.

Cook Wu could not make sense of it. Her husband poked his head out, took one look, coughed profoundly, and whispered to his wife, “Young people have strong bodies. They made quite a fuss last night! I’m afraid they’ll keep making a fuss tonight too. Let’s go back to our room early.”

＊

During the day, Li Si went to the drill ground to train soldiers, while Zhang San went to Liu Wu and pressed him about hurrying the construction of the net fence.

Liu Wu had originally found a large open area in front of the school at the Confucian temple and wanted to work there, but Zhang San refused, saying it would disrupt the students’ reading and writing. Zhang San circled the county himself and found another open space in front of the Buddhist hall and Daoist temple. After speaking with the abbot and the Daoist priest, he organized the villagers to erect frames and weave the net.

Liu Wu hurried over with several master craftsmen, explained the work, then went looking for the Commander. Commander Zhang was standing alone inside the Buddhist hall, head raised as he stared at the solemn Buddha statue, his face utterly free of desire, his gaze empty…

＊

Liu Wu had watched him go blank like this for four months and immediately thought, Not good! Hasn’t Envoy Li come back? Why has the Commander’s soul flown away again?

“Commander!” he called from several steps behind him.

Zhang San slowly turned, face vacant, and said pleasantly, “Brother Liu, you’re here.”

Seeing him like some vicious tiger subdued beneath the Bodhisattva’s hand made Liu Wu deeply uneasy. “Commander, what are you doing in here?”

Zhang San answered candidly, “Thinking about how to trick Sisi into fooling around with me tonight.”

Liu Wu: “…”

He did not know exactly what sort of “fooling around” Zhang San meant, but the Commander’s open, honest eyes were clearly surging with such wicked vulgarity that even the Bodhisattva could not suppress it.

Afraid the evil air would contaminate the Buddhist hall, Liu Wu half-pulled, half-dragged Commander Zhang out of the main hall.