Yang Shuyi stared after being shouted at. “Huh?”
Shao Wu’s mouth turned down, but he could not speak. His hand was still gripping Yang Shuyi tightly, as though Yang Shuyi were some kite that would fly away the moment he let go.
“I’ve been looking for you forever,” Shao Wu finally said in a low voice after a long while. “I went to several internet cafés and couldn’t find you… You scared me to death.”
Understanding crossed Yang Shuyi’s face. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”
When they walked out of the internet café, the rain had stopped.
Shao Wu was hungry, so he bought hot-and-sour sweet potato noodles. They came in disposable paper bowls, and he and Yang Shuyi sat on a roadside bench, each holding one as they ate. The streetlights shone bright white. Only then could Shao Wu carefully look over Yang Shuyi’s face. His cheek was swollen, his lips were dry and cracked, and there was even the faint shadow of a bruise around his left eye.
Looking at Yang Shuyi, Shao Wu felt as though something inside his chest had been tied into a knot and pulled tight until it hurt.
They ate their noodles in silence. Before long, both bowls were empty, and the two of them sat staring at the puddles on the ground. Cars passed along the road from time to time, yellow and white headlights flashing across the water, once, then again. The long spring night felt like a half-conscious dream.
“Good student,” Yang Shuyi spoke first, his tone still teasing. “Skipped class today?”
“Mm. I asked Zheng Xiaoning to get me excused.”
“…You really didn’t need to worry this much. What could possibly happen to me?” Yang Shuyi smiled. “I just didn’t want to go back to school.”
Didn’t want to go back to school. Yang Shuyi said it so casually, but Shao Wu tensed all over like a startled cat. What did he mean by “didn’t want to go back”? Today? For a while? Or, or did he mean he never wanted to go back again?!
“I told you before. With grades like mine, university doesn’t mean much anyway.” Yang Shuyi leaned back against the bench and stretched. “Now my dad has gone crazy and offended the homeroom teacher too… Mostly it’s just too embarrassing. I don’t want to go back to school.”
“But this isn’t your fault—”
“Don’t get worked up yet,” Yang Shuyi interrupted him. “Not my fault? You’re the only one who’d think that… To everyone else, it’s probably just me and my dad making fools of ourselves together.”
Yang Shuyi stretched one arm along the back of the bench and leaned his head against it too. “My dad has always been like this. When I was little and he fought with my mom, he was exactly the way he was today. Like, like he’d gone insane… When he’s good, he’s really good. When he’s bad, he’s terrifying.” He tipped his head back, his unfocused gaze fixed on the night sky. After the rain there was no moon, much less any starlight, only thin clouds hanging overhead as though they were close enough to touch.
Yang Shuyi watched the clouds. Shao Wu watched Yang Shuyi. Carefully, he asked, “Do you hate your dad?”
“Sometimes. Like this morning at school… But whenever I hate him, after a while it just starts feeling pointless. What does hating him change? Nothing. We still have no money, and he’s still my dad. Actually, actually, for those few seconds this morning when I hit him, I even thought it would be better if he died. Or if he went away like my mom and never came back… I thought it would be better if I didn’t have a dad like him.”
“But it was only a thought,” Yang Shuyi said.
Listening to him, Shao Wu felt his heart pounding with alarm.
He had grown up surrounded by the love of his parents and relatives. His family was comfortably well-off, both his parents were highly educated, and family life had always been harmonious. At most, his parents had fought once over Wang Yujun. In all seventeen years of Shao Wu’s life, he had never experienced what Yang Shuyi was describing, the feeling of wishing you simply did not have this father. Even if Yang Shuyi said it had only lasted a few seconds, even for those few seconds, how much must he have hated his father? That kind of hatred, that kind of pain, was beyond anything Shao Wu could imagine.
Shao Wu also could not understand how the man who had once smiled across the dinner table and proudly told him, “That air conditioner was such a bargain,” could turn around and become the violent person he had seen today.
“Shao Wu.” Yang Shuyi sighed softly. “Do you think thoughts like that are… too much?”
“I don’t know,” Shao Wu said.
“And school is the same. Before this, whenever the homeroom teacher called him, he never bothered to deal with it. He just couldn’t be bothered. He had mahjong to play, Auntie Xiaojuan to take out for fun, this and that. Anyway, he never had time for me. He doesn’t even know what year I’m in. He never has time for me, but whenever he remembers I exist, suddenly he tells me to study hard and go to university. Then today, the second he heard about the seating thing, he came charging straight to school… Sometimes I feel like I’m, how do I put it, something unimportant? Something he remembers once in a while and decides to manage for a bit.”
Yang Shuyi closed his eyes. Shao Wu had almost never seen that kind of lost, defeated expression on his face. “So I don’t want to go back to school. Just sitting in the classroom makes me an eyesore. I want to find a vocational school… Anyway, I don’t want to keep studying.”
Shao Wu could not speak.
His clothes were still wet, heavy and sticky against his skin. He had eaten the hot-and-sour noodles too quickly, and his stomach was burning. In short, there was not a single part of him that felt comfortable. Shao Wu clenched his fist and discovered that his fingers were trembling.
He still could not speak. Instead, just as he had in Yinhe Internet Café, he reached out and grabbed Yang Shuyi again. This time he could not reach his arm, so he clutched the hem of his clothes.
“What’s wrong?”
Shao Wu realized he could not even force out words of comfort. What right did he have to comfort Yang Shuyi? His own life was better than Yang Shuyi’s in every possible way.
“Don’t…” Don’t think like that.
“Even if they…” Even if they don’t care about you, even if they look down on you, at least you still have me.
Shao Wu’s body tilted, all the strength suddenly leaving him, and his head dropped onto Yang Shuyi’s shoulder. He felt awful, so awful, physically and even more in his heart, that he no longer had room for any of those romantic thoughts. He only wanted to be a little closer to Yang Shuyi, almost from some animal instinct. Closer, as though he might somehow give him a little comfort.
Yang Shuyi was dry. Shao Wu’s ear rested against his shoulder, perhaps close to his carotid artery, because he could hear Yang Shuyi’s steady heartbeat.
Yang Shuyi did not move either. He simply let Shao Wu lean against him, his breath lightly brushing Shao Wu’s hair. The night was hazy, and the two of them were like animals that knew no human language, huddled together for warmth. After a long while, Yang Shuyi suddenly bent his arm and brushed his fingertips across Shao Wu’s cheek.
“You’re crying?” His voice carried the slight surprise of a statement rather than a question.
Shao Wu wiped his face and said nothing.
“Hey.” Yang Shuyi sat up. “When you’re like this, I… I really don’t know what to do. Don’t cry, okay?”
This was embarrassing, Shao Wu thought. How had it turned into Yang Shuyi comforting him instead? But he felt so wronged on Yang Shuyi’s behalf that he simply could not stop himself.
“Why should you have to?” Shao Wu’s voice was hoarse. “They’re the ones with the problem. They’re the ones who did something wrong… Why should you have to bear all of it?”
Yang Shuyi looked at Shao Wu, a little helpless, but his voice was gentle. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just unlucky.” He felt around in his trouser pocket, apparently had no tissues, and so lifted his wrist and used the sleeve of his school uniform to wipe Shao Wu’s face. “Don’t cry, Shao Wu. Come home with me and eat a little more? Grandma made shredded pork with green peppers.”
Shao Wu lowered his head, looking a little bedraggled. “Your dad… isn’t home?”
“He was furious today too. He left on a run this afternoon,” Yang Shuyi said. “He took Auntie Xiaojuan to Yingxiu with him.”