The bus moved slowly along the smooth, wide road. Mai Ding rested his head against the window. The mist in his eyes had already faded. He still had not cried. If he just kept riding the bus forever, would An Zi Yan come after him? His thoughts and actions went in opposite directions. When the bus reached the familiar stop, Mai Ding still got off. He looked up at the home he shared with An Zi Yan and quietly walked in the direction he was supposed to go. Coming back had become a habit. One day, waiting would probably become a habit too.
He took out his keys but did not really want to turn them in the lock, because he knew very well An Zi Yan was not inside. But where else could he go? After entering and closing the door behind him, Mai Ding looked around the entire apartment. Would he someday become trapped here, humbly waiting for An Zi Yan from youth to middle age to old age? Would waiting become the only thing he could do? Suddenly he was afraid. Even if he could live that way, one day it was still possible that An Zi Yan would simply stop coming home.
If An Zi Yan wanted him to stop working, was Mai Ding supposed to destroy his own legs and dignity, preserve them in the formalin of love, and wait to become disconnected from society?
The keys slipped from his hand and fell to the floor. Mai Ding saw the résumés he had printed lying on the coffee table. He rushed over, snatched them up, and tore them apart with force. Scraps kept falling from his hands. He did not need them anymore. He threw the ruined paper into the trash, then took out his phone and switched it off. He did not need that either. Next he rushed into the bedroom and pulled out the internet cable. Looking for work, all of it, he did not need any of it anymore. He only needed An Zi Yan, and An Zi Yan only wanted him to stay at home.
He took a cloth and began wiping every piece of furniture. This was perfect. He would not have to worry about failing to find a job or about facing a cruel society. All he had to do was stay comfortably at home. Nothing could be better. He scrubbed desperately until sweat slid down his forehead and into his eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to wipe it away with the back of his hand, but somehow he could not wipe it away at all.
Then what am I supposed to do with my life? I want to know what the next stage of growing up feels like too. I want a job and coworkers like you. I want… If I think this way, am I betraying our love? Am I too selfish? An Zi Yan, where are you? Can you answer my questions? When you aren’t here, I sit in this world and watch you walk toward another one. I’m only sitting here. By the time I try to follow you, you’ve already entered that other world. Everyone else went too. I’m the only one left behind.
Mai Ding cooked alone, sat alone at the dining table and quietly ate, washed the dishes alone, sat on the sofa alone clicking the remote control, showered alone, and went to bed early alone. He left every light in the apartment on. He could not cry, and he could not even get angry. Lately he was almost getting used to days like this. An Zi Yan sometimes came home very late when work was busy. Suddenly Mai Ding did not want to think about anything. He only desperately wanted to sleep. But the more desperately someone wanted to sleep, the more sleep seemed determined to torment them. Everything was against him. He opened his eyes, then closed them, over and over, uselessly. Perhaps misery and insomnia were very good friends.
When would An Zi Yan come home? What would he say when he did? What would Mai Ding say? Would they argue? Maybe “argue” was not quite the right word. From beginning to end, Mai Ding was the only one throwing a tantrum.
He had no idea how much time passed before he heard the door open, clothes hit the floor, water run in the bathroom, lights being switched off one by one, An Zi Yan lying down beside him, and then the steady, familiar sound of his breathing. An Zi Yan behaved as though nothing had happened. Should Mai Ding ask something? But who had ever decreed that An Zi Yan had to acknowledge him in front of his coworkers for it to be the right thing to do? For a moment, Mai Ding no longer knew what An Zi Yan had done wrong, nor what he himself had done wrong. Then how was he supposed to explain the situation they were in and the way he felt?
When An Zi Yan had been away, Mai Ding’s heart had honestly been all right. But now that An Zi Yan was beside him, Mai Ding suddenly needed warmth so badly. His body, lonely all day, wanted to be held by An Zi Yan. Ridiculous. Stupid. Just one embrace would satisfy him. One embrace and he could pretend nothing had happened. When he watched television or the news, he had often felt helpless and baffled by lovers who did every kind of foolish thing for love. Now look at him. Maybe somewhere, someone would be scolding him for making himself so small. But feelings were terrifying. Your mind could understand everything perfectly and you still could not do it. No matter who scolded you, you still could not.
An Zi Yan’s voice came so suddenly in the darkness that it struck Mai Ding hard in the chest. “Have you figured it out yet?” The time An Zi Yan had given him was too short. Was giving up everything that made you yourself something a person could decide in one night? Was this the first question An Zi Yan cared about, or the only one? How much more clearly did Mai Ding have to place his wound in front of him before An Zi Yan could see it? With his back turned, Mai Ding smiled soundlessly and bitterly. Maybe An Zi Yan had already guessed the answer long ago. Mai Ding would give in for him. He would willingly stay home. Where did An Zi Yan get that confidence? Heh. He had every right to be confident. Mai Ding gave his answer. “I figured it out.”
“And from now on, don’t turn your phone off whenever you feel like it.” From now on? Whose future? Your future, or the one you’ve planned for me? Did it matter whether Mai Ding turned off his phone? All he had to do was stay home and wait for An Zi Yan to come back. Mai Ding said none of that. He was already tired of arguing today. He only answered faintly, “Mm.”
Just as he was nearing the edge of collapse, An Zi Yan reached out naturally and pulled Mai Ding into his arms, as if they had never fought today, as if he had never pretended not to know Mai Ding, as if today were no different from any other day. His voice was lazy and heavy with sleep, as though he might drift off at any moment, almost like he was talking in a dream. “Wait until I wake up.” Warmth pressed close against Mai Ding’s back. He closed his eyes. One hot tear slid down and disappeared into the pillow. He forgot the future, forgot his life, forgot work. In this second, the only thing he needed was this warmth.
What kind of creatures are humans? How can we be this helpless against the people we love?