“So you want me to stand by and watch you get scammed?”
“You haven’t even gone there. How do you know they’re scammers? Are good jobs only allowed to be found by you and not by me?”
“Go home and calm down.” An Zi Yan seemed too lazy to continue arguing. Mai Ding went quiet for several seconds, then looked at him. “You actually don’t want me to find a job at all, do you?” It was the question he had wanted to ask for days. He only wanted to hear An Zi Yan deny it. Even silence would have been enough. An Zi Yan never looked at him. “Yes.”
“Stop the car!” When An Zi Yan did nothing, Mai Ding put one hand on the door handle. An Zi Yan slammed on the brakes and glared at him. “Do you want to die?!”
“If what you want is for me, Mai Ding, to spend the rest of my life doing housework and waiting on you, then I can’t do it. Stop looking down on me!” Mai Ding could not stop himself from shouting. He yanked open the door. At exactly that moment, An Zi Yan’s phone rang. It was a call from work. He answered and covered the receiver with one hand. “Say whatever you want, just don’t go to that place.” Before An Zi Yan could finish, Mai Ding had already run into the crowd. “Hey, Mai Ding!” His voice, like Mai Ding himself, was swallowed easily by the people around them.
Deep down, Mai Ding did not want An Zi Yan to chase after him. Otherwise An Zi Yan would be late for work. Neither of them could afford to be too willful anymore, because neither of them were children now. Mai Ding kept replaying what he had just said. Was it really true that he could not do it? Spend his whole life doing housework for An Zi Yan, picking up the clothes he threw everywhere, forbidding him from putting his feet on the coffee table… Mai Ding’s shoulders sagged in surrender. How could he possibly be unable to do it? Above everything else there had always been only one thing: staying beside An Zi Yan, no matter what form it took.
But were love and self-respect really a multiple-choice question where he could pick only one?
Every person was different, so disagreements were inevitable. People were strange sometimes. They sulked over tiny things and somehow ended up arguing without even knowing why, just as tiny things could make them happy and they could fall for someone for no understandable reason. Nobody could explain it. That was simply how strange people were.
Mai Ding did not want to go home yet, but he had no intention of going to that interview anymore either. Deep down, he had suspected it might be a scam. He had only been clinging to the tiny hope that maybe it was not. He called Bai Xiao Si, intending to get her to curse An Zi Yan with him until he felt better.
“Hello, Mai Mai. What’s wrong?” Mai Ding could hear noise on Bai Xiao Si’s end.
“Are you busy?”
“A little. My old-fashioned dad was afraid I’d spend all my time fooling around instead of doing something serious, so the moment I graduated he dragged me into his company to work. Now I barely have time to come play with you and my ex-husband.” Someone called Bai Xiao Si’s name in the background. She answered them, then said to Mai Ding, “You didn’t call because my ex-husband bullied you again, did you?”
“Wasn’t someone calling you?”
“Never mind them.”
Even Mai Ding could hear the fatigue beneath her busy voice. He took a deep breath and deliberately made himself sound relaxed. “Nothing happened. I just haven’t seen you lately, so I called to bother you.”
“Looking for a beating?”
“Something suddenly came up on my side too. I’ll let you go. Get back to work.”
“Okay.”
After hanging up, Mai Ding squeezed his phone. So in the end, he was the one left behind. At some point everyone around him had started walking faster while he remained stuck in the same place no matter what he did. Useless. He could not find a job, so he lost his temper at An Zi Yan for no reason. Pathetic. Every time they argued, Mai Ding still ended up wanting to stand on An Zi Yan’s side.
He wandered aimlessly, looking to see whether any businesses had recruitment notices posted outside. Whenever an office worker hurried past him handling some errand, Mai Ding thought they looked so mature. Would he ever become that kind of adult? He had gone through a short internship before, but this felt different. Back then, if he stopped working, he could still return to school. Now he had nowhere left to retreat to.
Without realizing it, the light had changed with the passing hours. Mai Ding checked the time and decided he should go home. An Zi Yan would be getting off work soon too. Looking around for a bus stop, Mai Ding noticed a road sign to his front-left that seemed familiar. He remembered glimpsing the address on some documents An Zi Yan had brought home. An Zi Yan’s company should be nearby. The thought made Mai Ding feel ridiculous. An Zi Yan was his husband, yet Mai Ding did not even know exactly where his husband worked or what his work situation was like. He continued forward, wondering whether he might get lucky and run into An Zi Yan leaving work.
His luck really was good today. He actually did run into his husband. There were other people around An Zi Yan, probably coworkers and superiors. No matter where he stood, An Zi Yan was always impossible to overlook. Suddenly, though they were only a few steps apart, Mai Ding felt that the An Zi Yan standing among those people was very far away from him.
“Let’s…” Let’s go home together. That was what he wanted to say. An Zi Yan turned his head. The look in his eyes made Mai Ding hurt. It was as if he were looking at a complete stranger who had nothing to do with him. A man of average build beside him looked confused. “Who’s he talking to?”
“Don’t know.”
Seeing the young man in front of them stare at An Zi Yan in disbelief, the average-built man nudged An Zi Yan with his elbow. “You know him?”
“How could I?” After saying that, An Zi Yan started toward the car. Someone behind him called, “No matter what, we have to celebrate today.”
“You guys go. I’ve got something else to do.”
“The women at the office are all saying you’ve got some rich, beautiful girlfriend. Going back to keep her company?”
“Fake.” An Zi Yan opened the car door. Several people took the opportunity to pile inside, leaning out to call to the others. “You guys drive behind us. No matter what happens today, we’re making him treat us to celebrate.” Shouting and laughter mixed together. Nobody cared about or remembered Mai Ding’s existence anymore. He turned around and headed for the bus stop. His fingers were trembling. His muddled brain finally began to move again, little by little. Maybe An Zi Yan had hit his head and gotten amnesia. Maybe he no longer remembered Mai Ding. But once that absurd possibility was rejected, Mai Ding’s insides twisted painfully together.
He doesn’t want to acknowledge me in front of his coworkers.
Is it because I’m too ordinary, or simply because I’m a man?
Mai Ding remembered clearly the day An Zi Yan transferred schools and announced in front of the entire class, in front of the teacher, that his name was An Zi Yan and that he was Mai Ding’s man.
What changed your mind now?
His luck today really was terrible. He had discovered something frightening. Inferiority was like an incurable disease. Once something triggered it, it relapsed along with everything else. Mai Ding had worked so hard to do well, believing that one day he would catch up with An Zi Yan, only to discover that even the right to chase him seemed to have been taken away.
Liking someone really did make it easy to lower your standards. Once you truly loved someone, you stopped caring about his ex-girlfriend, how much money he had, what job he held, how much property he owned, even how he treated you. Perhaps people would laugh and say that kind of thinking was unrealistic. But only when time or something else made you love a little less did your standards begin to rise, because you needed other things to fill the gaps left by a love that had changed shape. You should earn more money. When are you getting promoted? How can you not own a home? I treat you so well, so you should repay me too…
Mai Ding looked out the window. His eyes blurred beneath a thin layer of mist.
An Zi Yan, I’ve already lowered my standards as far as they can go for you.
What else am I supposed to do?