Haiqing felt as though his heart had stopped the moment he received the message.
He rushed all the way to the hospital, not caring that the sound of his running drew stares, and charged straight toward the emergency department. The instant the two familiar figures came into focus, he grabbed Pinky and asked where Pinjun was.
“My brother’s in the intensive care unit. He crashed his motorcycle into…” Pinky was trembling so badly that she could barely get the words out. She drew several breaths before managing to steady herself. “He hit something, and then he collapsed.”
Pinky burst into loud sobs as she spoke, as though only now had the full reality of what happened finally sunk in.
She was the only one of Pinjun’s family members they had managed to contact who could reach the hospital immediately. On those small shoulders rested the burden of listening to the doctor explain his condition, signing paperwork, and facing a situation that could change without warning. It was not hard to imagine the pressure she was under. The moment she saw the person Pinjun had kept worrying about finally arrive, it was as though she had found something to cling to, and all that pressure poured out at once.
Yan Fei saw how hard she was crying and could only pat her shoulder, signaling for her to stop trying to explain.
“Haiqing, the reason Pinjun passed out on the motorcycle wasn’t the crash itself.” Yan Fei was comparatively calm. He relayed what the doctor had just told them: Pinjun’s GOT and GPT levels had risen rapidly, and with him collapsing as well, acute hepatitis was a strong possibility, so he had to remain in intensive care for observation.
Haiqing sucked in a breath. He had not expected to hear something so frightening.
“Is he conscious now? Can I go in and see him?” Haiqing was already trying to rush toward the intensive care unit.
Yan Fei shook his head.
“He has a high fever and he’s unconscious. He’s completely unresponsive right now. We’re waiting for the attending physician.”
“Unresponsive? That’s okay. I just want to see him. I just want to look at him.” Haiqing could no longer think clearly. He was nearly crying just like Pinky.
“You have to wait.” Yan Fei tried to calm him, then turned to Pinky to confirm whether she had managed to contact their parents.
While Pinky answered, Haiqing walked to the doors of the intensive care unit, desperate to glimpse something through the gaps. But nothing went his way. Apart from the cold white doors and the people moving around inside whenever a nurse came out, he did not even know where Pinjun had been placed.
In the end, Haiqing stood until his legs hurt and had no choice but to sit down and wait anxiously in a chair.
Second by second, minute by minute, time dragged on. His clasped hands were already slick with sweat, his throat painfully dry, and the mental exhaustion far exceeded anything he had imagined.
Yan Fei had originally intended to stay and keep Haiqing company, but Haiqing gently refused. At a time like this, having Yan Fei within his line of sight was not a good idea.
Every time Haiqing looked at Yan Fei, he thought of how much his own hesitation and confusion had hurt Pinjun. He could not bear the idea of relying on Yan Fei for comfort even now. It would be too cruel.
Seeing him like this, Yan Fei lightly patted his shoulder and left. Before going, he still looked back at Haiqing with concern, but this time he received no response.
Because he was not family, Haiqing could only remain alone in the hospital corridor. Sitting on the cold metal chair, he felt both frightened and uneasy. He sent his father a message, telling him that something had happened to Pinjun and that he would be waiting at the hospital. To his surprise, Shichen came over immediately.
“Do you want to sleep for a while?” Shichen asked, looking at him worriedly.
“Mm…” Haiqing shook his head. There was no way he could sleep at a time like this. “Pinjun isn’t going to die, is he?”
Shichen looked at his son. He naturally understood how easily an atmosphere like this could make someone imagine the worst. “No. Pinjun is very healthy. He’ll pull through.” He comforted Haiqing and patted him on the shoulder.
Haiqing drew in a breath. The trembling sound that emerged from his throat was so fragile it made one’s heart ache.
“But Mom died. She didn’t pull through either…” What if Pinjun ended up like his mother?
It was not difficult to imagine how deeply his mother’s death had wounded him, deeply enough that even now the memory could seize his nerves and his heart and become a nightmare he could not escape. Was this the anxiety his son had lived with all these years? Only now did Shichen realize how large a shadow that childhood wound had cast over Haiqing.
He wrapped an arm around Haiqing’s shoulders.
“Was it all my fault? Is that why Mom left? If I’d been more obedient, or if I’d asked more questions, then you wouldn’t have lied to me, and Grandpa wouldn’t have left either… Everyone left without ever asking me. I wanted everyone to stay so badly, but… but…”
But no one had ever asked Haiqing whether he was okay with any of it.
He had always passively accepted whatever happened. His mother died. He grew up in a single-parent household. He wanted to attend art school but was stopped and even scolded for it. His grandfather died. The person who loved him most left just like that. His father went to the United States for work and left him alone… Through one thing after another, no one had ever asked what Haiqing wanted.
It almost seemed as though Haiqing truly did not matter at all.
It was such a small wish.
All Haiqing had ever wanted was for the people he valued to value him in return. Yet things so often turned out otherwise, and the people he cherished would eventually become nothing more than points of light in the night sky. Shichen knew he had avoided this for too long. He stroked Haiqing’s head and let his son’s tears fall onto his shirt.
“You don’t have to go to the United States if you don’t want to.”
The person in his arms shifted slightly.
“If you get into the school you want, then go. If you want to pursue art professionally later, that’s fine too. If you run out of money for food, you can always come back and stay for a few days…”
Haiqing looked up at him, not understanding why Shichen had suddenly started saying these things.
“What happened with your mother… I lied to you, but you were too young then. I couldn’t ask what you wanted. Now I’ll ask more often whether you’re willing…”
You don’t have to be obedient either. Haiqing heard that sentence clearly beneath everything his father was saying.
You don’t have to be obedient. You’re my son. When you want to, you can simply be yourself. You’re grown now, and I need to learn to ask what you want and respect your choices too.
They talked for a long, long time that night. Haiqing felt as though his chest had filled with some emotion he could not immediately name. His father’s embrace felt so much like it had when he was little that Haiqing could not stop himself from crying harder and harder, until at last he fell asleep against Shichen for a short while.
By the time morning finally came, Pinky said she had managed to contact their parents, and preparations for the surgery were already moving ahead at full speed.
Haiqing watched everything unfold. He watched Pinjun’s parents arrive at the hospital and listened to the doctor explain all the precautions surrounding the operation. Whenever the image he had just seen flashed through his mind, his eyes immediately filled with tears: Pinjun lying weakly in the hospital bed, tubes running all over his body.
He softly called Pinjun’s name, but Pinjun did not respond.
Pinjun looked so weak.
Haiqing could not help crying quietly as he blamed himself. He should have noticed so many signs sooner. Pinjun, who had always been healthy, had suddenly become gaunt and exhausted so easily. That was not normal. How had Haiqing failed to notice? He kept blaming himself until a sudden shout erupted in the distance.
“I’m the only one? Then of course I’ll donate to him. He’s my brother.” Pinky excitedly asked which documents she needed to sign.
Haiqing shot to his feet, wanting to hurry over, but the moment he stood he slowly sat back down again. He was not family. He had no right to hear any of the more detailed explanations, and every answer he received was essentially the same.
“We’re doing everything we can to reduce the pressure in his brain and buy him more time while we prepare for a liver transplant. For this operation, we need a donor whose liver is compatible enough to avoid rejection. Close relatives usually have the best chance. Are you a family member?”
“I’m not.”
“Then I’m sorry, but I can’t disclose any more details about the surgery to you. The transplant arrangements and the operation itself require consent from the family. Can you contact his other relatives as soon as possible?”
Haiqing suddenly felt like an outsider, able only to sit at a distance and watch everything happen without being able to do anything. He was not even allowed to know the details of the surgery.
After the doctor left and Pinjun’s parents arrived to wait nearby, Pinky quietly came over and told Haiqing that they were going to operate on Pinjun. She was a compatible liver donor, so she would be going into surgery too. Haiqing did not need to worry.
Pinky had made a point of coming over to tell him what was happening. Haiqing could answer only with tear-filled eyes and no words.
The surgery went smoothly.
When Haiqing heard those words, his whole body went limp. The emotions he had finally managed to calm nearly broke loose again. Seeing Pinjun’s family even happier than he was, Haiqing hurriedly messaged Shichen to tell him the news.
Pinky told her parents she would stay behind to look after Pinjun. Yan Fei came to the hospital later that evening to visit them both. Once he learned that the surgery had gone well, he finally relaxed too, and insisted on driving Haiqing home.
After spending the entire night shut inside the hospital, where even breathing seemed stale in the poorly circulating air, Haiqing opened the car window and let the slightly cold wind brush over his face. It cleared his head and even made his body feel a little more alive.
“The surgery went well, and his recovery will go well too. You have to trust Pinjun.” Yan Fei looked at Haiqing, who was leaning toward the open window to catch the breeze.
Haiqing answered with a quiet “Mm.” It was not perfunctory. Right now, more than conversation, he needed the cold wind to soothe him.
Yan Fei did not nag him about taking care of himself or tell him not to be too upset. On the contrary, he believed Haiqing could face a crisis like this. All he could do was stay behind him as support, so Haiqing would have nothing to fear.
Haiqing opened his eyes and straightened from where he had been leaning against the door.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Haiqing stared at the traffic and artificial lights ahead, guilt filling his slightly narrowed eyes. “But Pinjun still got hurt because of me. Whether what happened to him was because of acute hepatitis or the crash, I feel like I’m responsible.”
Yan Fei did not answer.
“I’ve been thinking about it for the last two days. Today it was a crash. What happens after this? Will there be other problems, other accidents? Just thinking about it scares me.” The movement of Haiqing swallowing seemed magnified in Yan Fei’s eyes. Even from the rise and fall of his Adam’s apple, he could sense how deeply Haiqing was drowning in guilt and self-blame, even though what happened had little to do with him.
No one else was responsible for Pinjun’s health; apart from Pinjun himself, no one really had any standing to comment on it.
The car drove smoothly to the building where Haiqing lived. The residential lane was quiet, with no one around except the people who lived there. Yan Fei pulled over at the roadside, then suddenly said something out of nowhere.
“I’ll wait for you.”
Haiqing looked puzzled, unsure how to interpret such an abrupt statement.
“I know what you’re worried about, and I understand that you don’t want to hurt anyone.” Yan Fei unfastened his seat belt and turned his whole upper body toward Haiqing. Unlike his usual casual manner, the seriousness of his posture made it clear he meant every word. “But the one person I don’t want to hurt is you.”
Haiqing frowned, still trying to understand what he meant, when Yan Fei took his hand again. This time he only held it lightly. He no longer tried to tighten his grip or insisted on using such a small gesture to transmit all his feelings. None of that seemed so important to Yan Fei anymore.
“That’s why I’ll wait for you.”
“Wait for me?”
“For you.” Yan Fei gave a faint, bitter smile. Waiting would once have been unimaginable for him. If he wanted something, he went after it. That was the principle Yan Fei had always believed in, the same principle behind the endless stream of orders and sales results he produced. Once, he had treated Jimmy the same way.
“I’ll wait for you. I’ll support whatever you want to do. If what you want is to be with Pinjun, I won’t give you my blessing, but I won’t force you either. And if he ever gives you a hard time, I’ll listen to whatever you need to say.” He brushed a loose strand of hair from Haiqing’s forehead behind his ear. That face was as delicate and handsome as ever, exactly the kind Yan Fei loved.
Haiqing sniffed, and the urge to cry that had only just subsided surged back again.
“Just remember this. I like you, and that has nothing to do with how you feel about me.” Yan Fei breezily pulled out a romantic line from the internet, instantly taking some of the weight out of the solemn atmosphere. Haiqing suddenly threw his arms around him and quietly thanked him.
A feeling Yan Fei had never known before filled him. Somewhere inside, he understood that he had made the right choice. He could treat the person he loved well, watch him be happy, respect his decisions, and make only the promises he was actually capable of keeping.
Nothing mattered more than that.
He wrapped his arms around Haiqing in return. Unlike before, there was no overwhelming passion or pressure in it, only a quiet sense of comfort that filled the car. The two of them rested inside that feeling and gradually calmed down.
Early the next morning, Haiqing went to the market with Shichen and bought two chickens. They returned home, simmered chicken soup, divided it into two portions, and brought it to the hospital for Pinjun and Pinky.
The moment Pinky smelled the fragrant chicken soup, her mouth watered. She kept declaring that Haiqing was an angel while drinking the hot soup. She was recovering faster than Pinjun, but she still needed to watch her diet, so the chicken soup Haiqing brought felt like salvation.
“Rest properly. I’m going to see Pinjun first.” Haiqing told her he would come back for the dishes before he left and told her to drink slowly so she would not choke.
“Okay.” Pinky blew on the soup one sip at a time. Two rosy patches bloomed across her pretty face, and her sweet, adorable expression made Haiqing smile.
When Haiqing entered Pinjun’s room, Pinjun was already awake, lying in bed and staring blankly into space. The moment he saw Haiqing, he managed a weak smile.
“Hungry?” Haiqing lifted the thermos and gave it a little shake. “I brought you chicken soup. There’s a whole drumstick in it.”
“Really? That sounds amazing. I’m starving.” Pinjun smiled until his eyes narrowed. Haiqing raised the hospital bed slightly, then poured the soup into a small bowl. He blew on each spoonful to cool it before bringing it to Pinjun’s lips. The chicken had been simmered until the meat fell apart with the slightest touch of the spoon, soft enough to swallow without much chewing. For Pinjun, it was the most delicious kind of nourishing food.
“Is it good?” Haiqing fed Pinjun the final spoonful of soup. Seeing how satisfied he looked made Haiqing happy too.
“Mm. Are you busy later?”
“No. I brought some things I can read here. Want me to read to you? Or would you rather watch television?” Haiqing picked up a magazine. The black dog on the cover was so dark that only its eyes were visible. When Pinjun saw the headline, he could not help laughing. The issue’s theme was how to photograph black pets.
“Sure.” Pinjun had Haiqing put the magazine in front of him, and the two of them leaned together to read. Time always seemed to pass especially quickly at moments like this.
Haiqing had already been coming to the hospital to stay with Pinjun for many days. He had been there from the time immediately after the operation all the way through Pinjun waking up, talking, and being able to eat again. Sometimes Haiqing brought earphones and played music they both liked, each of them taking one side and listening together. When Pinjun’s condition was still unstable and he sometimes developed a fever in the middle of the night and muttered endlessly in his sleep, Haiqing stayed beside him, gripping his hand and soothing him softly until he settled back into peaceful sleep.
Sometimes Pinjun took an afternoon nap while Haiqing lay beside the bed watching the scenery outside the window. Every day seemed almost identical, yet whenever he looked up again, he would realize how quickly life was changing. At times Pinjun would look at Haiqing with such warmth and contentment that it seemed as though everything he had right now was already enough to make him happy.
His fingers found strands of stark white hidden among the black. Pinjun realized Haiqing had more white hair than before, and his heart ached as he reached out to stroke it. Haiqing sensed the touch immediately and woke, looking at Pinjun with sleepy eyes. He had always been a light sleeper, and in a place like a hospital, there was no chance he was sleeping well.
“What is it?” Haiqing thought Pinjun wanted water or needed something else.
“Nothing.” Pinjun shook his head.
Haiqing thought his expression looked strange, so he reached out and touched Pinjun’s forehead while pressing his other hand to his own. “You’re okay. No fever.”
Pinjun narrowed his eyes with a smile. He thought about how he had always been the one taking care of Haiqing before, yet now Haiqing was the one sitting beside the bed and caring for him. The reversal felt strangely new.
“This Su Haiqing isn’t the one I used to know,” he could not help saying.
“What are you talking about? I’ve always been the same.” Haiqing took Pinjun’s hand and pressed it against his cheek. “I’m the original.”
“No, you’re not. But this version is better.” Pinjun pinched Haiqing’s cheek. “Still, there’s hardly any flesh here.” Had Haiqing lost weight from coming to the hospital every day to take care of him? The thought made Pinjun’s heart ache a little.
“When you get discharged, you owe me barbecue ten times.”
“I’ll treat you fifty times if you want.”
Pinjun gazed steadily at Haiqing’s face. The playful dependence that had often shown in his eyes before was gradually fading, replaced by a mature thoughtfulness. It was visible in the meticulous way Haiqing had cared for him over these past days. Haiqing had truly grown up.
The passion they had once shared seemed to have transformed along with that growth, changing into another kind of feeling.
Was it family affection? Friendship? Pinjun could no longer quite tell. But he had to admit that Haiqing now seemed more attractive than before, and more dependable too, a truly mature man.
“Thank you,” Pinjun said sincerely.
Haiqing smiled and lowered his head. Pinjun thought a passionate kiss was coming, but all he received was a faint, gentle peck that rested briefly on his forehead.
When he looked into Haiqing’s eyes again, one feeling was suddenly unmistakable: You’re welcome.
That night, Pinjun lay in bed pretending to be asleep, his eyes fixed on the plain curtains as he sank into thought.
He thought of Haiqing sketching in that studio, of the times they ate shaved ice together and Haiqing stole his pudding, and of the way Haiqing patiently cared for him now. For some reason, he found it difficult to imagine a picture of the two of them any farther into the future.
Pinky thought Yan Fei had changed.
At first, when she saw Haiqing and Pinjun constantly together, she assumed Yan Fei had been rejected and would be in a terrible mood. But one day he came to visit carrying a box of pastries and a bouquet of flowers, and to Pinky’s surprise he seemed perfectly fine, even capable of joking with her.
“Director, I think you’ve changed a little,” Pinky said with a pout.
“Gotten fat? I don’t think so! I’m only on the third box…” He meant the samples vendors had sent over. Since they were candidates for the next campaign’s featured products, he had to taste every one before he could judge them.
“No, I mean you’ve become more cheerful!” He even had enough energy to make jokes about gaining weight. “But it’s strange. After everything that happened, normally you should have…”
“Turned into an overbearing, dictatorial, cold-blooded Director?” Yan Fei burst out laughing. Saying all those descriptions in one breath felt awkward, and they sounded awkward too.
Pinky made a small dissatisfied sound. “Something like that. But you didn’t! You’ve become nicer.”
“Was I that bad before?” Yan Fei even raised an eyebrow and made a deliberately silly face to amuse Pinky.
“You used to be more serious. It’s like you became different after you fell in love again.” Pinky weighed her words for a long time before finally asking, “Director, is Haiqing the person you like?” Was the message she had once accidentally seen really evidence of the worst possibility she had imagined?
“Mm.” Yan Fei first confirmed it, then shook his head as though correcting himself. “Don’t misunderstand. Haiqing hasn’t made any decision. He’s actually been unable to decide what to do this whole time. You can tell. He loves your brother very much.”
Pinky felt a headache coming on too and kept asking what they were supposed to do.
Yan Fei, however, was remarkably optimistic. Jimmy leaving and Pinjun’s accident had struck him like a blow to the head, making him realize that love was not whatever one person stubbornly decided it should be. “Love will find its own way out. I think Haiqing and Pinjun are both very brave.”
Pinky could not quite follow his way of thinking. She was young, after all. All she could think was that Haiqing must be suffering terribly because of this.
“At least neither of them betrayed their own heart.” Yan Fei pointed at his chest. “Even if the price is high, a person can’t lie to their own heart.”
Pinky looked at Yan Fei’s face. Beneath the same handsome features, there seemed to be something different hidden there now, something that made him feel far more approachable than before.
“Director, do you know something?” Pinky suddenly asked.
“Mm?”
“I thought I’d be so angry about you and Haiqing that I wouldn’t even want to see you. Maybe I’d even impulsively resign. But none of that happened. I think that’s really strange.”
“Oh? Then that’s excellent.” Yan Fei smiled. “Useful interns are hard to find. If you quit, the company might grind to a halt.”
“No way!” Pinky laughed despite herself. “Right, Director, I have one more question. Can I ask?”
“The patient is always right.” Yan Fei spread his hands with complete ease.
“At the celebration party… you really weren’t trying to use the contract to compensate my brother, were you?”
“You really think I’d do that?” Yan Fei raised an eyebrow and looked at her with an almost wounded expression. “I know Pinjun loves Haiqing very much, and so do I. That’s exactly why I would never use Haiqing as a bargaining chip.”
“Geez! I always thought you were kind of clumsy about love!” She puffed out her cheeks and complained indignantly.
Yan Fei burst into laughter.
Once the heart turned, everything else seemed to turn with it.
Yan Fei felt that simply staying here and watching over Haiqing like this was also a kind of happiness. Even if Haiqing could not be with him, Yan Fei still made time every day to come quietly and look in. Knowing Haiqing was doing well and living peacefully was enough.
“My dad told me yesterday that he’s going to sell the house. He said I can use the money to rent somewhere else or buy a place.”
“Wasn’t your dad planning to buy property overseas?” Pinjun ate a piece of cut fruit and did not add, And wasn’t he still insisting that you go to the United States with him?
“That was the original plan.” Yesterday, Shichen had suddenly started packing to return to the United States, saying he was flying back next Monday. He had already entrusted the house sale to an agent. “He said the agent already brought people over to view the place. If the price is right, they think it should sell quickly.”
“Then where are you going to live?” Pinjun frowned.
“My dad said he can be flexible about the price and give me time to look for somewhere before I move. If I can’t find a place I like, I can rent first. Either way, he’s giving me the money from the sale to use however I want.”
It all sounded reasonable to Pinjun. Throughout the process, Shichen had repeatedly stressed that Haiqing should only buy somewhere he genuinely liked and felt comfortable living in. He clearly cared deeply about the quality of his son’s future home, and every reminder was filled with the concern of a parent for his child.
“Your dad really loves you.” Pinjun stroked Haiqing’s head as he spoke.
Haiqing answered with a faint smile. Deep down, he still felt a little melancholy that his father had to return to the United States, but he understood that it was inevitable. Having a stable job was something precious in the world they lived in now. No matter how much he regretted it, all he could do was learn to adjust.
“Yesterday we even went for stone hot pot. I used to go there with Grandpa when I was little, and the flavor hasn’t changed at all.”
“That sounds amazing. I really want hot pot too.” Pinjun’s diet was still following the doctor’s instructions, and it had been a long time since he had eaten anything from outside. “Haiqing, do you want to study in the United States?”
Haiqing tilted his head and only answered after a long pause. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about that in a long time.”
Pinjun felt that the resistance in Haiqing’s answer was not as strong as before, though he could not tell whether he was imagining it.
“When I was staying with my classmate, his roommate had taken a leave of absence as soon as he got into university. He said he wanted to become a backpacker and wander around. He said he worked hard to get into college so he could go roam around Europe.”
“That’s so cool!” Haiqing had never heard of someone working hard to get into university only to leave almost immediately and go wandering. It was practically the same as leaving school. What was the point of getting into college at all?
“He really went. He actually did it. I wonder how he’s doing?” Pinjun found himself strangely fascinated by this person wandering overseas, someone whose face he had never even seen. What kind of scenery filled that person’s eyes? Traveling alone in foreign countries, what beautiful places had he seen? What kinds of people had he met? Late at night, when everything was quiet, did he ever think of the wall back home covered with his dreams?
“Haiqing, if one day you go somewhere very, very far away, will you send me a postcard?”
“Sure! Where do you want a postcard from?” Haiqing did not reject the subject. Before, he simply had never had the opportunity to bring it up or think about it.
“Iceland. Greenland. Argentina would be good too. Somewhere that sounds incredibly far away the moment you hear the name.” Pinjun smiled brightly as he chose his destinations. If it was only a dream, there was no harm in dreaming big.
“Sure! I’ll send you postcards.” Haiqing agreed readily, then knitted his brows and asked, “You don’t want to go with me?”
Pinjun smiled at Haiqing. “You’re only nineteen. The time we’ll spend together in this lifetime probably takes up only the tiniest little part of your life.”
“No way! We’ve already been together for more than a year. That’s already a pretty big fraction of the life I can actually remember.” Haiqing frowned as he argued back.
“Lately it feels like we’ve been together for decades, like an old married couple.” Pinjun smiled with both contentment and weariness.
“Is that bad? Do you have complaints about the care service I’ve been providing?”
“No.” Pinjun lightly tapped him on the head. “I nearly died, but somehow it feels like we used up all the happiness we were allowed to have in one go.”
“Our happiness is that scarce?” Haiqing looked directly at him.
Pinjun watched the sun slowly disappear behind the buildings. The warm, immense energy of it was enough to make a person feel warm just by looking. He knew Haiqing was his sun, but even the sun spent half the day setting in the west. How could people be any different?
“No. Happiness has a quota. Once you use it up, it’s gone,” Pinjun said.
His own quota of happiness had already reached the bottom.
Haiqing looked at him for a long time without speaking. Countless thoughts seemed to flicker through his gaze, though there was no way to know which one remained.
When they turned to look again, the sun had completely sunk in the west and the city was immediately swallowed by darkness.
The day of discharge arrived quickly.
Pinky had completely recovered and came to help pack their things. After staying in the hospital for so long, they had nearly turned the room into their own bedroom. She and Pinjun checked everything twice before finally feeling certain that nothing had been left behind.
“Pinky.” Haiqing walked in from outside the room. “Are you physically okay?” His eyes fixed on the bag in her hands.
Only after Pinky repeatedly assured him that she was fine did Haiqing finally relax.
“I already finished the discharge paperwork for both of you.” Haiqing let Pinky go downstairs first to bring the car around. Once the young woman disappeared beyond the hospital corridor, he took Pinjun’s hand. The slightly rough touch of it quietly revealed something. “Can we go up to the roof for a minute? There’s something I want to tell you.”
They followed the stairs upward and eventually reached the rooftop seating area. Sitting side by side and watching the sunset had once been one of their favorite things to do, back when the weather was not so cold.
The autumn breeze drifted past, a little chilly. The traces of summer were slowly fading away.
Haiqing pinched the back of his own hand. Beneath the outward appearance of calmly watching the sunset lay the hesitation of not knowing how to begin. Pinjun understood too well what every tiny movement Haiqing made meant, so he simply waited in silence.
Under Pinjun’s gaze, Haiqing slowly found his courage. At last, he drew a deep breath as if he had finally made up his mind.
“Pinjun, I think this is as far as I can go.”
Pinjun instinctively closed his eyes. The trembling of his lashes seemed perfectly synchronized with the rhythm of his deep breaths.
An image suddenly appeared in his mind: Haiqing collapsed beside the hospital bed, caring for him at every moment while looking utterly exhausted. Pinjun did not understand why that particular image surfaced, but a moment later, he did.
That exhausted version of Haiqing had not appeared only once. He had appeared again and again for a long time. Pinjun simply had never paid attention.
“I really do love you. I mean it, but…” Haiqing wanted to explain, yet the moment the words left his mouth, everything sounded like a false excuse. The helpless look on his face was painfully endearing to Pinjun when he opened his eyes again.
“I can feel it,” Pinjun said quietly.
Their time together over these past days had been so peaceful and calm that it gave Pinjun the space to notice things he normally overlooked, including Haiqing’s feelings for him, his own feelings for Haiqing, and even how he felt about himself.
Did he still love Haiqing? Yes.
Did Haiqing still love him? Yes.
But did he love himself? No.
Aside from loving Haiqing, Pinjun knew almost nothing about himself and wanted almost nothing for himself.
During this serious illness, Pinjun had realized how harshly he had always treated himself. He did not even have a dream for his own future. He only wanted to keep walking hand in hand with Haiqing forever. But where was that future? It was pitch-black, impossible to see even an inch ahead. In the end they would only lose their way together, and even more frighteningly, lose each other inside that unknown.
“I know. You just can’t bear to hurt me.”
Haiqing began to sob. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”
Several sparrows flew past just then, their chirping blending with the sound of the wind.
“Come on. Let’s do this properly.” Pinjun took the initiative. Holding Haiqing’s hand, he stood up so they could face each other beneath the clear sky.
Haiqing did not understand what he meant and could only stare at Pinjun in confusion.
“Thank you for taking care of me all this time.” Pinjun looked at Haiqing. “I was very happy during the year and more that we were together, and I still like you very much even now. Do you know that, Su Haiqing? I think this is good for both of us. Really good!” Then he smiled, just as brightly as he had the day he first approached Haiqing in the studio.
Haiqing’s tears, which had finally stopped, burst free again. He tried to force himself to smile, the way Pinjun had always liked him best, but the expression came out strangely distorted.
“It’s just… forgive me. I can’t hug you right now.” The corners of Pinjun’s mouth trembled slightly. “Give me some time, okay? When I’m ready, I’ll say goodbye to you properly one more time!” By the end, his voice had already broken.
He turned and walked toward the stairwell, the hem of his light-blue shirt fluttering with every step.
A memory suddenly flashed through Haiqing’s mind.
That day in the studio, when Pinjun had approached him with a shy smile, Pinjun had also been wearing a navy-blue shirt just like that one.
Haiqing suddenly rushed forward and wrapped his arms around Pinjun.
“Thank you.”
Dark-blue fabric bloomed with small spreading stains from his tears. Haiqing let go, and Pinjun continued down the stairs without looking back.
As the elevator descended floor by floor and more people kept stepping inside, Pinjun went from holding himself together to finally breaking down and sobbing openly, no longer caring about anyone else’s gaze.
His love had reached its ending. That relationship may have been the deepest one he had ever allowed into his life. Once, he had imagined that he and Haiqing could walk hand in hand all the way into the future, but no matter how he tried to picture it, that future had always been indistinct. Perhaps from the very beginning, that future had never truly existed.
Haiqing still valued him, but that no longer had anything to do with romantic love.
Pinjun hurt. His pain carried the weight of both of them. He grieved the loss of his own love, and he grieved the growing pains of Haiqing becoming an adult.
Because Haiqing would never say it aloud.
Pinjun loved Haiqing far too deeply not to notice the changes in him. Haiqing had become independent and considerate. Rather than hurt Pinjun, he had chosen to shoulder the burden himself, without a single complaint or childish demand. Pinjun’s heart ached terribly for him. On countless sleepless nights, Haiqing was still the person who came back to his mind in the end.
The distant, defensive Haiqing.
The Haiqing who demanded pudding as compensation.
The Haiqing who said he liked having Pinjun beside him.
The Haiqing who became despondent after his grandfather died and his father left for the United States.
The Haiqing who abandoned himself on the lounge chair.
The Haiqing who smiled at him in their brand-new home.
The Haiqing after meeting Yan Fei again.
The Haiqing who stayed beside him, exhausted in both body and mind.
The Haiqing who hugged him and said “thank you” with complete sincerity…
So many versions of Haiqing. He would never forget any of them. For as long as Pinjun lived, Haiqing would remain an important presence in his heart, because this was the person he had once loved and protected with every ounce of effort he had, even with his life.
Hey, Chen Pinjun. Do you want to wander too? What do you want to do?
The image of that stranger who might now be walking through Paris or across a square in Prague grew larger in his mind. In the dimmest corner of his heart, the map covered with sticky notes began to glow with a gentle light that could no longer be ignored.
With every center of gravity from his old life stripped away, Pinjun found himself alone with himself again, and he felt lost.
But he wanted to try loving himself a little more. At the very least, he wanted to spend more time with himself.
Pinjun cried as he watched the elevator indicator. Before it reached Pinky’s floor, he had to wipe away his tears. He was supposed to celebrate being discharged and being healthy again with his sister.
“Where’s Haiqing? Aren’t we waiting for him?” Pinky was waiting beside the car and looked confused when Haiqing did not come down with him.
“No need. Let’s go first.” Pinjun climbed into the back seat.
“What happened? Did you fight?” Pinky hurried into the driver’s seat and started the car, stealing glances at Pinjun through the rearview mirror as she tried to guess from his expression.
“We won’t fight anymore. Let’s go.” Pinjun closed his eyes, but he still used his gentlest voice to reassure his sister.
The car started and merged into the stream of traffic.
Everything seemed to have returned to the beginning, but the people were no longer the same.
Haiqing, Pinjun, and Yan Fei would all be different from now on.
The corner of Pinjun’s mouth curved. Even he could not tell whether the expression was bitter or relieved.
Haiqing stepped into the house. The spacious living room was beautifully decorated, and the carpet beneath his feet swallowed every sound as he followed Yan Fei to one of the rooms.
Yan Fei opened the door for him, and what appeared before Haiqing’s eyes made him stare in astonishment.
The birchwood floor and milky-white walls felt warm and soft, completely unlike the fashionable style used everywhere else in the house. Hanging on the wall directly opposite the door was an enormous painting. The man in the blue shirt who had never once turned around was there, his face obscured by winding strips of black cloth so that his features could not be seen.
“This is your studio.”
“Thank you!” Haiqing looked around at a room that could almost be called his ideal studio. The art supplies from his old home had all been moved here, and the walls were covered with Haiqing’s work and photographs. If the difference in size had not been so obvious, Haiqing might have thought he was still in that other house.
“I even laid the floor myself.” Yan Fei deliberately stomped on it a few times with a proud look on his face.
“No wonder it’s uneven.” Haiqing laughed at him and deliberately walked around with an expression of exaggerated disdain.
“It is not. I personally inspected every single board.” Yan Fei took Haiqing’s hand and led him to a window. The beige curtains patterned with flowers had been neatly gathered to either side. “This window is new. When the moon is full, the moonlight will fall across the floor.”
Yan Fei had recreated the small details that had mattered in Haiqing’s old life.
“Thank you.” Haiqing could not help wrapping his arms around Yan Fei.
“You’re welcome.” Yan Fei lowered his head and murmured beside Haiqing’s ear. His hand traveled down the back of Haiqing’s neck and found the single earbud hanging over his chest. He slipped it into his own ear. A lilting French chanson filled their ears, and the two of them naturally wrapped their arms around each other’s waists and shoulders, slowly turning and dancing around the studio.
“Will you promise me something?” Haiqing moved with light steps, letting Yan Fei guide him.
“What?”
“Never ask me who the person in my paintings is.” Haiqing rested his face against Yan Fei’s chest, his voice becoming faint and distant.
Yan Fei smiled slightly.
“I’ll never ask.”
They looked at each other and smiled. At last they slowly leaned closer, their slightly sweet kiss moving to the rhythm of the French chanson.