Elio’s Notes: The chapter title is the opening line of Li Yu’s Mourning Poem: “Enduring thoughts are hard to dispel.” The poem is an elegy shaped by grief that cannot simply be reasoned away or released.
Li Congjia returned to the residence before it was too late. Ehuang had briefly awakened from her daze once. According to Liuzhu, Madam had curled up trembling on the bed and would not stop crying.
With no other choice, Liuzhu had helped her drink the sleeping draught so she could rest properly.
“What did Madam say?” Li Congjia badly wanted to know exactly what Zhao Kuangyin had told her. Liuzhu could only shake her head. She said Madam had kept calling for the Duke of Anding, as though she wanted to say something yet was terribly frightened, and had done nothing but cry.
What exactly did Zhao Kuangyin say to frighten Ehuang this badly? Li Congjia turned and handed Resounding Spring to Piaopeng, ordering him to return it to its sealed storage and let no one touch it again.
Then he went alone into Zhaohua Pavilion to see her.
The physician said she had been frightened into a confused state. The medicine he prescribed was meant to let her sleep soundly. Perhaps when she woke again, she would forget some of what had happened, and the terror from before would ease.
Li Congjia took a brocade handkerchief and slowly wiped the tear tracks from her face. Even in sleep, Ehuang’s dark brows were tightly drawn. Zhao Kuangyin had said he had not told her about the Crown Prince, so by rights she should not have been terrified to this extent.
Yet when Li Congjia thought about it, since marrying him, when had she ever had to worry like this? Her Congjia should always have been the elegant man who smiled without speaking, as gentle as a clear breeze brushing the face.
This time, things truly were different.
By his calculation, Hongxiu would arrive tomorrow as agreed.
Liuzhu had remained waiting outside the door, wanting to ask the Duke of Anding whether, with Madam in this condition, they should still summon the performers to rehearse the dance.
Li Congjia happened to think of the same matter. Leaning over the couch, he held the brocade handkerchief between both hands, his gaze shifting slightly. His fingers tightened, and the cloth embroidered with a pair of mandarin ducks was instantly crumpled into a ball.
When he opened it again, the creases remained. No matter how Li Congjia tried to smooth them, it could not be restored to what it had been. Just like his heart, once crushed hard in another’s hand, it could never return to its original stillness.
Zhao Kuangyin, with such ease you make me forget the peace of this mortal life.
Li Congjia opened the door, thinking Liuzhu might still be waiting for an answer. Sure enough, she was there.
“Master, Miss Hongxiu is coming to the residence tomorrow. With Madam like this, should we change the date?”
At the very moment she asked the question,
the man in the side courtyard lay sprawled on his bed, smiling as though he had expected it all along.
Li Congjia shook his head and instructed Liuzhu, “Madam is not well enough to receive guests tomorrow. I can go out myself. Miss Hongxiu is coming all the way from the Crown Prince’s residence. How could we dismiss her casually? Besides, we also have to do this for Lord Han’s sake.”
Liuzhu was unwilling. No one even knew how Madam would be tomorrow, so how could she possibly have the leisure to listen to music and watch dancing? But she also knew that Hongxiu was presently favored by the Crown Prince and could not easily be offended. In the end, she could only agree and withdraw.
Zhao Kuangyin reflected that although Ehuang had been foolish enough to come charging in and disrupt everything today, she had at least won Li Congjia a few days’ delay. For the moment, Li Congjia probably had no attention to spare for watching a troupe of performers.
Why am I relieved simply because I know his life is safe for one more day? With nothing to do and boredom setting in, Zhao Kuangyin decided to take a proper look around the Duke of Anding’s Residence.
He had only just stepped out of the side courtyard when he saw Liuzhu at the front of the residence, having summoned all the performers from Pear Fragrance Courtyard in the east. Pear Fragrance Courtyard had originally been another side compound, laid out directly opposite the western courtyard where Zhao Kuangyin was staying. But after the troupe had been housed there, it became their dedicated place for training and daily life. Thus, “the side courtyard” now referred specifically to the row of rooms on the western side where Zhao Kuangyin lived.
Liuzhu carefully instructed them item by item not to rehearse with string-and-wind accompaniment today, since Madam was unwell and had only just fallen asleep. Tomorrow, however, they absolutely could not lose face. When Miss Hongxiu arrived, every proper courtesy still had to be observed.
This is… Zhao Kuangyin did not understand.
“Miss Hongxiu is coming tomorrow, so we must receive her properly. She is someone who regularly enters and leaves the Crown Prince’s residence.” Liuzhu lowered her voice, clearly warning these girls, who had grown accustomed to idleness, to take the matter seriously. “Madam is still ill. None of you are to gossip about this outside. Otherwise, you know what will happen.” She had accompanied Ehuang into marriage and had always been a cautious maid, naturally unlike the performers and singing girls. A trace of severity entered her voice.
The group nodded one after another. Liuzhu then dismissed them to return on their own.
Piaopeng came back after storing Resounding Spring away. Discussing the matter with Liuzhu, he walked with her toward the inner courtyard, leaving Zhao Kuangyin behind the side corridor with astonishment written across his face.
Has he gone mad? Zhao Kuangyin could barely control himself. He slammed a fist into the wooden corridor.
Then he strode quickly toward Zhaohua Pavilion.
Naturally, not just anyone could enter as they pleased. Zhao Kuangyin was stopped beyond the second gate. Too impatient to waste words on the servants, he stood where he was, gathered his inner force, and shouted Li Congjia’s personal name.
The guards were terrified. This man actually dared call the Duke of Anding by name. Given his status as a commoner, even addressing the Duke by his courtesy name would have been somewhat disrespectful, much less shouting his personal name like this.
Clearly, the call, strengthened with inner force, carried directly into Zhaohua Pavilion.
Li Congjia’s fingers still rested upon Ehuang’s face. Bent over the couch, the man in blue-green suddenly froze. Slowly he turned toward the door. His expression remained mild and unreadable, but his hand trembled slightly.
Ehuang shifted faintly in her sleep. It was obvious that even after being forced into slumber by medicine, she remained uneasy.
And yet something like lingering attachment had begun to surge faintly in Li Congjia’s eyes.
He looked at the wooden door. Whether he went out or stayed was entirely a matter of one thought.
He felt suddenly sorrowful. All of this seemed unbearably sad. Yet there was nothing to be done. He had believed it all so sincerely for so long. How desperately he wished he could truly recover that lost guqin string.
If I had not impulsively withdrawn into the mountains that year without a word, would things be easier for all of us today? He rejected the answer almost at once.
Li Congjia knew himself. If he could turn the pages back and begin again, he would still repeat the same mistake.
He had never learned how to write the word regret.
Just as now, when he pushed open the door and ultimately chose to go see Zhao Kuangyin.
Liuzhu and Piaopeng had no idea how to persuade Zhao Kuangyin to leave. While they hesitated, they saw the Duke of Anding come out himself and hurried forward to stop him. “Master, you should stay with Madam. That madman is shouting and making a scene. Leave him to us and we will send him away.”
“Madman?” Li Congjia frowned at Piaopeng. “Who gave you permission to speak casually about someone living in this residence? Or is this how unruly all of you are when I am not present?”
Piaopeng stood dumbfounded, unable to understand what had come over the Duke of Anding. On ordinary days, they could say such things casually without ever seeing him react this way. Today he truly must have been holding anger inside.
He could only exchange a glance with Liuzhu. The two fell silent and stood to one side. This was no time to invite disaster upon themselves. Who knew what had happened? The residence had been unsettled for days.
Seeing that they had stopped speaking, Li Congjia straightened his sleeves and realized that he himself was far from calm. Too many matters were tangled together in his chest, link after link. If he abandoned any one of them, it would drag still more trouble behind it.
The Crown Prince. Himself. Zhao Kuangyin.
They needed an outlet somewhere.
Li Congjia was not indulging in some grand compassion for the world. He simply understood the situation. Since none of them were people capable of letting matters rest, then he might as well become that outlet himself.
And so he stood calmly before Zhao Kuangyin, his expression gentle.
“Young Master Zhao, did you need something?”
Zhao Kuangyin’s eyes were full of incomprehension. He glared viciously at Li Congjia, as though his gaze alone could cleave him apart with a sword. He nearly seized Li Congjia’s hand and demanded an explanation, but in the end he remembered the many unrelated eyes around them.
Zhao Kuangyin forced every emotion back down, still mindful of the watchers in the residence. “Does the Duke of Anding have a moment to speak somewhere private?”
Li Congjia turned and looked back at the half-closed wooden door of Zhaohua Pavilion.
Ehuang was still asleep.
Zhao Kuangyin reached out and seized his wrist. The movement startled Li Congjia completely. He glanced at the servants standing nearby with lowered heads. None dared openly stare, yet every sidelong glance held curiosity. Li Congjia could only smile lightly to cover the situation. “Ah… it is nothing. Please.” He immediately extended his arm in the direction of Zhao Kuangyin’s grip, doing his best to make the gesture look natural.
A clever little recovery.
Admiration flashed in Zhao Kuangyin’s eyes. Li Congjia, you never cease to surprise me.
This time, however, there was truly only surprise and no delight.
Zhao Kuangyin dragged him along by the wrist at a rapid pace. Li Congjia followed behind, trying unsuccessfully to pull his hand free. He could only let Zhao Kuangyin clamp down and haul him forward. Afraid of arousing suspicion, he even maintained an unhurried expression as he walked. Hidden inside Zhao Kuangyin’s broad cloth sleeve, their hands struggled and tangled without cease.
There were busy figures everywhere they went. With no other option, Zhao Kuangyin eventually dragged him back to the side courtyard.
By now it was probably the only place in the entire residence where no one dared wander casually. Zhao Kuangyin did not look remotely approachable, and the Duke of Anding had yielded to him repeatedly, plainly giving him considerable face. What young maid or page would willingly provoke him?
The moment they passed through the moon gate, Zhao Kuangyin flung the owner of the wrist behind him forward. “Li Congjia, are you truly a fool, or are you pretending to be one?”
“Ah…” The man in pale blue-green let out a soft sound. Finger marks stood vividly upon his wrist. Zhao Kuangyin had used too much force without noticing, and the abrupt release pulled painfully at the injury again.
Now Li Congjia’s right hand bore both a burn and dark bruising. It looked miserable, yet somehow only deepened his fragile beauty.
Li Congjia pressed his lips together and hid his hand inside his sleeve. “I do not understand what you are talking about.” Zhao Kuangyin had clearly seen the marks. Guilt stirred inside him, and he stepped forward, reaching to take the hand and inspect it.
Since when did reaching for him come so naturally to me?
Li Congjia stepped backward and turned his face aside. “It is nothing.” His tone was faint, without emotion.
That perpetual indifference suddenly enraged Zhao Kuangyin. He stepped forward sharply and seized Li Congjia by the shoulders, preventing him from retreating again.
“Why do you always act as though none of this matters? Your hand hurts, so say that it hurts! You know perfectly well why Hongxiu is coming, yet you still insist on letting her into the residence! You have pretended to be a fool so long that you have actually deceived yourself!” He shook Li Congjia by the shoulders as though trying to wrench him awake from a dream. “I am telling you, Li Congjia! If I get that wine, I will find a way to make you drink it. Since you want to die, I will grant your wish!”
Zhao Kuangyin gripped his already thin shoulders so hard it seemed he might crush them. Li Congjia was finally forced to knit his beautiful brows. “Zhao Kuangyin, let go!”
“Do you not claim you do not care?” Zhao Kuangyin deliberately tightened his grip and pulled him harder into his arms.
Li Congjia collided with Zhao Kuangyin’s chest, with no room to struggle at all. In the end he simply stopped. He had never wasted effort resisting something that served no purpose.
The person in Zhao Kuangyin’s arms abruptly fell still and ceased trying to escape, which instead made Zhao Kuangyin uncertain. “You…”
Li Congjia’s profile was so close it nearly pressed against his. He would not look at Zhao Kuangyin directly. Beside his ear, he said with helpless calm, “Yes. Is that not what you said? I do not care.” At the end, he even laughed softly.
Seeing how strange his expression had become, Zhao Kuangyin gradually loosened his grip. Half leaning against his shoulder, Li Congjia murmured, “Do you think I have gone mad? Or have you always thought I was a madman?” Once Zhao Kuangyin released his hands, Li Congjia’s own arms dropped listlessly. Dark bruising showed starkly across that wrist famous for its beauty. Li Congjia glanced at the blue-black mark. It looked like a jeering, hideous face, winding viciously around him so that he could never escape.
Slowly, he raised his wrist. The movement was beautiful and elegant. He lifted it just enough to stop only inches before Zhao Kuangyin’s eyes.
It was a quiet, soul-stirring melancholy. Nothing more than bewitchment, though Li Congjia himself knew nothing of it. He only wanted to look carefully at his own wrist. “Do you know that it hurts?” He did not look into Zhao Kuangyin’s eyes. He simply held up his wrist and examined it.
“I… I am sorry…” Countless emotions tangled beneath Zhao Kuangyin’s sword-like brows. He simply could not bear seeing Li Congjia like this. With a sigh, Zhao Kuangyin wrapped one arm around his back and used the other hand to close around the raised wrist, lowering it. “Why did you not put medicine on the burn from earlier either?”
“Do you think I need to carefully prepare myself before going to my death? Or should I die beautifully enough for all Jinling to know that the Crown Prince killed his own younger brother? My mind is made up for tomorrow, yet today you come asking whether my hand hurts and why I have not treated it. Zhao Kuangyin, which of us do you think is actually mad?”
“What gives you the right to decide that death is the only way to resolve this knot in your heart? Who do you think you are, Li Congjia? You are not a bodhisattva or the Buddha. You cannot protect everyone!” Zhao Kuangyin’s anger surged all at once. “Nothing infuriates me more than watching someone belittle and despise himself. How many people beneath Heaven do everything against their conscience just to survive, and yet you…” The more he spoke, the more agitated he became. “Li Congjia, you understand things too clearly, so you are unhappy. But the more clearly you understand, the more exhausted you become. When you are exhausted enough, you simply want to let go of everything. Then what about Ehuang? What about every person in this residence?”
Li Congjia looked as though he had heard the funniest thing beneath Heaven. Laughter filled his eyes. He glanced once at Zhao Kuangyin and then turned his face away again. Zhao Kuangyin’s hand was still around his waist. Once they fell quiet, Li Congjia could even feel his heartbeat. “Ha…” For the first time, Li Congjia laughed aloud. “Today I am actually standing here listening to a man who wants to kill me explain the importance of life.”
Tell me, are we not both mad?
Zhao Kuangyin had no answer. He was only anxious. He simply could not bear the thought of that pale blue-green figure truly riding the wind away.
Suddenly he saw again the image of Li Congjia atop the high tower, taking a single step into empty air and falling.
In an instant, his heart went cold.
What kind of feeling was that? He could not describe it precisely. He only knew it existed with terrible reality and had already begun to affect Zhao Kuangyin’s life. He was beginning to know fear.
Even Zhao Kuangyin himself could hardly believe it. How could he feel fear? Was he not the one who held the entire situation in his hands? Yet now, suddenly, he was afraid that Li Congjia truly might…
Without Li Chongguang, even the mountains and rivers would be desolate.
There are two kinds of people in this world who live drunk and die in dreams. The first lose themselves in brilliant lamps, wine, beauty, and the dust of mortal desire, while their minds remain perfectly awake.
The second are different. At every moment they are composed and lucid. Everything remains within their control. What lives drunk and dies dreaming is their spirit. The more soberly they live and the more completely they see through things, the more pain and bewilderment fill their hearts. The more they pursue perfection, the farther they move from what they seek.
Naturally, the second kind suffer more than the first. Because the first, at least, are still human.
The latter have already become demons.