No matter how Feng Xuanyi smiled, poured tea, or placed food into his bowl, Nalan Xuan remained completely unmoved. Even when Feng Xuanyi brought a bite directly to his lips, Nalan Xuan merely turned his mouth aside. If anything, the sight of that tender, affectionate smile completely ruined his appetite.
“What exactly do you want?!” Nalan Xuan knew he should not ask. There was no need to ask, and bluntly demanding an answer had never been his style. Yet he had endured and yielded again and again, repeatedly telling himself there was no reason to care and even less reason to be hurt, while Feng Xuanyi somehow always managed to set his anger blazing and make him lose his composure. Since Feng Xuanyi insisted on dragging everything into the open, then they might as well settle it clearly once and for all.
Frowning irritably, Nalan Xuan slapped away the hand Feng Xuanyi brought toward him. The chopsticks and the food held between them scattered across the floor. Feng Xuanyi showed no displeasure whatsoever. Instead, with perfect calm and an almost humiliating willingness to lower himself, he bent down, picked up the chopsticks, and set them aside.
“What are you afraid of?” Feng Xuanyi asked softly. Had Nalan Xuan not been listening carefully, he might almost have missed the words. Yet that single question struck his heart with such force that his head spun and his breath nearly stopped.
Feng Xuanyi did not miss the flicker of shock and uncertainty in Nalan Xuan’s eyes. He moved closer until his body completely overshadowed him. His gaze remained gentle, yet there was a sharpness beneath it that left nowhere to hide as he pressed, “Tell me. What exactly are you afraid of?”
Afraid? Nalan Xuan found the very idea absurd. If he were afraid, then the moment he had miraculously survived, he should have rejoiced, found some place where no one could ever reach him, and spent the remainder of his life as a carefree recluse. If he were afraid, he would never have used himself as bait from the very beginning and laid out a scheme that even he was gradually losing control over. If he were afraid, he would be doing everything possible to escape this place that had given him nothing but humiliation and betrayal. If he were afraid… how could Nalan Xuan possibly be afraid?
As though he already knew Nalan Xuan’s answer, as though he even understood the storm raging inside him at this very moment, Feng Xuanyi smiled with gentleness, tolerance, and indulgence. “Don’t rush to say no. You are afraid. You’re afraid you won’t be able to resist and will fall in love with me again.”
Feng Xuanyi spoke with absolute certainty. To Nalan Xuan, the words landed like a thunderbolt from a clear sky. The last trace of calm he had barely maintained disappeared instantly. In front of Feng Xuanyi, every disguise seemed useless. Somehow, this man could always break through his composure with terrifying ease.
“Afraid I’ll fall in love with you again?!” Nalan Xuan burst into laughter as though he had heard the greatest joke beneath heaven, though to an outsider the sound might have seemed almost hysterical. “Did I hear you incorrectly, or do you simply think far too highly of yourself?”
He stepped forward without retreating until their noses nearly touched. His gaze was sharp as a blade. Though he smiled, he seemed ready to tear Feng Xuanyi apart at any moment. “Let me tell you something. The person who loved you was Ning Xuan. I am Nalan Xuan. There was never love between you and me. There is none now, and there never will be. If there is any connection between us, it is hatred alone. You would do well to remember that at every moment. Whatever you suspected or believed about that child’s father, he was still my child, my own flesh and blood! And you are the executioner who had him torn from my body! Do you truly believe I could ever love someone who occupies that place in my life? No—using your words, do you really think I could ‘fall in love with you again’?”
“Even if, by some impossible chance, such a day ever came, I would strangle those feelings in their cradle and never allow them to emerge and disgrace me! And besides—” Nalan Xuan deliberately drew out the words, meeting Feng Xuanyi’s shaken gaze without the slightest retreat. “Neither Ning Xuan nor Nalan Xuan would ever debase himself that far!”
It felt as though heaven and earth had collapsed around Feng Xuanyi. His footing faltered. He had imagined every possible worst outcome beforehand, including these very words. He had rehearsed things even crueler and sharper in his mind countless times. Yet when Nalan Xuan truly said them himself, when the worst possibility was finally confirmed, Feng Xuanyi realized he had greatly overestimated what he could endure. At that moment, he no longer knew what expression to wear, what position to stand in, or what tone to use to remain before Nalan Xuan and ask him to accept anything, much less continue confessing his feelings again and again.
“I know. I know…” They stood so close, yet the hand Feng Xuanyi raised halfway stopped and dared go no farther. He did not dare touch him or even test that distance, as though this narrow space between them was already the furthest limit either could bear. One step closer and Nalan Xuan would collapse; one step farther away and the one who collapsed would be Feng Xuanyi. “Let everything in the past remain in the past, all right? You don’t have to do anything. Just stay where you are. Let me be the one to cross the distance between us. You don’t need to trouble yourself with worldly affairs anymore. Don’t worry about anything, don’t concern yourself with anything. You only need to feel. I’ll arrange everything for you. All right?”
“All right?” Nalan Xuan shook his head, repeating the words under his breath before suddenly snapping, “Of course it’s not all right!”
He stepped forward abruptly, forcing Feng Xuanyi back beneath the intensity of his gaze. Sparks seemed to fly between them. “I already told you—why? On what grounds? Who do you think you are?! Since we’ve already said this much, then why not explain everything at once? Now that my reputation is destroyed and my entire family is dead, what exactly do I still possess that is worth your exploiting or scheming for? At least then I can properly judge what I’m worth, can’t I?”
So Nalan Xuan still did not believe him. No matter what Feng Xuanyi said, no matter how many times he repeated it or emphasized it, his love could never reach Nalan Xuan’s heart.
What Heaven inflicted might still be forgiven, but disaster brought upon oneself left no road to survival.
Feng Xuanyi’s heart filled with bitterness. What he had feared most, what mattered most to him, had happened after all.
Yet Feng Xuanyi would no longer retreat. He would no longer be confused, hesitate, deny, resist, or repeat the same mistakes. The regrets of the past had taught him helplessness, remorse, powerlessness, and what it meant to reach for something forever beyond his grasp. But they had also taught him what it meant to fight for something and what it meant to cherish it.
His smile remained, though it had already stiffened, and even the corners of his mouth trembled from the effort of holding it there. He drew a deep breath. When he spoke, his voice remained deep and mellow, intoxicating as red wine. “I love you. Whether you believe it or not, that is the truth.”
Everyone knew the story of the boy who cried wolf. Lie once, twice, and again, and people naturally learned to be wary. But words repeated without end, backed by feelings that only deepened instead of fading, would someday allow those three simple words to reach Nalan Xuan’s heart and slowly warm it again. Feng Xuanyi believed that without doubt.
Before now, whenever Nalan Xuan heard “I love you,” the words had simply entered one ear and left the other, dismissed as bullshit or another new scheme. But this time, perhaps because Feng Xuanyi’s expression was too serious, his voice too humble, and his gaze too gentle, something in Nalan Xuan wavered for the briefest instant. A vague possibility began taking shape in his mind.
“You love me?” The sharp edge, suspicion, and mockery vanished from Nalan Xuan’s voice, leaving only a simple question, a genuine desire to know whether the words were true or false. “You really love me? Do you know who you are? And do you understand who I am?”
“No matter who I am, and no matter how you see me, I love you. In this lifetime, that will never change.” Feng Xuanyi spoke every word with unwavering force.
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