For an entire week, Shan Ju deliberately avoided Wei Ye. Forcing yourself not to contact someone you liked was difficult. Our feelings were always slower than our decisions, and that was how all sorts of situations came about: being unable to break up with the lousy man our friends disapproved of, forgiving a lover who cheated… Feelings could sometimes make people cowardly and foolish.
Maybe being friends would be enough. Maybe just staying beside him would be enough. Humiliating little thoughts like these flashed through Shan Ju’s mind from time to time. After work, Shan Ju got off the bus looking exhausted. Her long hair was messily tied up, her clothes were full of wrinkles, and even her sneakers were filthy. She hadn’t expected to run into Wei Ye at this hour and felt terribly disheveled. She tried to cover herself with both hands. “Don’t look. I look horrible right now.”
“Too late. I already saw you. Want to use a memory eraser?”
“If I had one of those things, I’d be off fighting aliens as one of the Men in Black. Why would I still be standing here?” Shan Ju tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
“You’ve been avoiding me?”
“You noticed?” Shan Ju showed no embarrassment at being exposed.
“You made it too obvious.”
“I thought if I stopped seeing you, I’d stop liking you.”
“Did the experiment work?”
“Y-Yes. It worked.”
“Is that so?”
Shan Ju had thought seeing him again would make it difficult to speak, that every emotion she had would come crashing down on her. Instead, the conversation came naturally, and they naturally fell into step beside each other. Whether they were talking or doing nothing at all, being with Wei Ye was simply too comfortable.
“Did that boy ever confess to you?”
“No.”
“Is that so?” Shan Ju looked into the distance, then asked a bold question that hardly seemed like something a girl should ask. “Wei Ye, want to have a one-night stand with me? I’ve had girlfriends before, but I’ve never actually slept with anyone. I’ll give you my first time. Just once. Afterward, you won’t have to take responsibility for me, and you won’t have to like me. I’ll completely forget about you.”
But instead of taking Shan Ju to bed as she had hoped, Wei Ye took her to a restaurant. After paying rent and everyday living expenses, Shan Ju had almost nothing left from her salary, so she had always lived very frugally and ate only the simplest food each day. Yet she had never told Wei Ye any of this, so how had he noticed? She hadn’t hidden it out of vanity. She simply didn’t want the realities of life to stain Wei Ye or her feelings for him. After giving up passion, dreams, everything else, this was the one beautiful thing she still wanted to keep.
Shan Ju ate in huge mouthfuls, her cheeks puffed out. A forced, ugly smile hung on her face. “So it really is impossible, right? I shouldn’t have made that kind of request on my own. Right, right. What man would want to sleep with a woman anyway? Ha. Think about how ridiculous I am.” She was almost asking and answering herself.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full. I can’t understand you.”
Even Shan Ju’s own ears had heard every word clearly, yet he claimed he hadn’t. Was that true or not?
By the time they finished eating and came outside, the sky was already dark. Their arms brushed together and then separated, brushed and separated again. Shan Ju wanted to remain beside him forever, yet she also wanted to flee from him. One moment she was happy, the next she was hurting.
“You don’t need to walk me home. I can go by myself. It isn’t far.” In the end, the pain won.
“Mm.” Wei Ye stopped.
“If my suggestion made you uncomfortable, just pretend you’ve lost your memory.” This time, I really have to make up my mind. Shan Ju was about to run when Wei Ye caught her. “Have you considered another possibility?” “What?” “You said you’d forget me after we slept together, didn’t you? Maybe the only reason I refused is because I don’t want you to forget me.” He watched Shan Ju’s expression slowly change, watched her eyes brighten and shimmer, then gave a faint smile. “Of course, that’s only a hypothetical statement. It doesn’t represent my actual feelings.” Shan Ju bit down lightly. This boy five years younger than her was utterly rotten—so rotten her teeth itched, and they itched so badly she wanted to bite him. Shan Ju pulled Wei Ye’s hand away. “Wei Ye, we went to the same kindergarten and were taught by the same teacher. You seem to underestimate me a little. I love you, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you toy with me. Tomorrow night at midnight, give me an answer. If you want to reject me, reject me completely. After that, I’ll disappear from the boundaries of your world. I swear it on my life.” This time, Shan Ju ran away.
Wasn’t she treating her life a little too casually, staking it on a gamble she had no confidence in winning? If she disappeared from Wei Ye’s world, what world was she supposed to live in afterward?
Her anxiety was so intense she almost became ill. Time moved far too quickly, so quickly that Shan Ju wanted to stop the second hand with her fingers. She didn’t want the next day to arrive so soon. She didn’t want afternoon to arrive so soon. She didn’t want 11:50 p.m. to arrive so soon. While she was trying not to think about it, another minute passed. It was 11:51. She quietly listened for movement outside the door. Silence. Not a sound. All I have to do is not open the door. Or maybe he won’t come at all. I made up this agreement myself. Why should he have to obey it?
Shan Ju opened the door and glanced outside, then suddenly pressed a hand to her forehead and laughed. What am I doing? What have I been doing? Have I forgotten how old I am? Am I still playing this kind of little-girl game? What do I have to offer? What right do I have? Why can’t I just live an ordinary, uneventful life? What am I chasing? Even if Wei Ye and I really got together, then what? I’d drag him down and drag myself down too. Forget it. Forget it. She stood quietly in the darkness. Alone. Alone. Alone. Lonely. Lonely. Lonely. Every word made it harder to breathe. She pressed her fingers against her face and cursed, “Fuck. Why am I crying again?”
“Are you crying in advance to prepare yourself for what you’re about to hear?” The question appeared together with Wei Ye. At last, Shan Ju understood how the princesses in fairy tales felt when they saw their prince.
“Who’s crying? Look carefully. This is my saliva. Since you’re here, hurry up and reject me.” Shan Ju wiped the wetness from her face in a few quick motions. Wei Ye remained where he was. Only after several moments of silence did his voice finally sound.
“Which sentence should I say first?”
“Whatever.”
“All right, then.”
“Would you hurry up?”
“You were right, Shan Ju.”
“Mm.”
“People really can come to like something they once hated.”
“Is that so? Then…” Shan Ju, who had been distractedly responding the whole time, suddenly stopped. She stared directly into Wei Ye’s eyes. Wei Ye reached out and pulled her into his arms. “You wandered into my world whenever you felt like it, and now you want to disappear whenever you feel like it too. You should’ve told me that earlier. Telling me now… I can’t accept it anymore.”
“It doesn’t matter that I’m a woman? My breasts are pressing against you right now.”
“When did you get breasts? I can’t feel anything.”
“They’re a little small, but they’re there.”
“It’s fine that you’re a woman, Shan Ju. Feelings are the same for every gender. I developed feelings for you. Whatever gender you are, that’s the gender my feelings are.”
“So you can say things like that too. Looks like you weren’t lying about falling for me.” Shan Ju tightened her grip on Wei Ye’s clothes.
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