Whenever Yan Su Ang had free time, Jia Zhi Qing was busy.
Like today. Xiao Bai, too stingy to hire more help, had dragged him in to work for free. The only thing Jia Zhi Qing could take comfort in was that he was not the only unlucky one. Gao Qin was here too.
“Welcome. What would you like?” Jia Zhi Qing said. Then he looked up and immediately exclaimed, “I wasn’t speeding while driving the butcher shop!”
Gao Qin came out from the back, saw who it was, and asked coldly, “Or did the butcher shop drive the wrong way down a one-way street?”
The traffic cop, dressed in plain clothes, said expressionlessly, “When I’m off duty, I eat pork too.”
Gao Qin looked at the man behind him. “Is this person with you?”
Without turning around, the traffic cop said, “Yes. When I’m off duty, I have a life too.”
Gao Qin said, “He looks a lot like the owner of Pyramid.”
The owner of Pyramid smiled. “If you mean the Pyramid in this city, that should be me.”
Gao Qin raised an eyebrow. “The two of you came out together to buy pork?”
The Pyramid owner said, “When I’m not doing business, I eat pork too.”
Gao Qin turned to Jia Zhi Qing. “The one in blue has fined me before.”
Jia Zhi Qing chimed in, “He’s fined me too.”
“The one in yellow runs a KTV and is always swindling us out of our money.”
Jia Zhi Qing nodded. “I know about that.”
Gao Qin patted him on the shoulder and went back inside.
The traffic cop asked, “I’d like some tenderloin. How much is it per half-kilo?”
“Fifteen hundred.”
Traffic cop: “…”
The Pyramid owner said, “You’re robbing people.”
Jia Zhi Qing said, “I’m only trying to rob the money back.”
When Lian Jue Xiu arrived, he happened to see the Pyramid owner and the traffic cop walking away together, carrying a transparent bag with a tiny bit of minced pork in it.
Lian Jue Xiu walked into the shop, grabbed Jia Zhi Qing, and gave him a fierce kiss before finally taking a breath. “What were those two doing here?”
Only after Jia Zhi Qing managed to gulp some fresh air did he answer, “Buying pork.”
“…” Lian Jue Xiu asked in surprise, “Why did they buy so little?”
“Because they only brought a little over fifty yuan.”
…
“Fine, forget that.” Lian Jue Xiu gave him a lecherous grin. “So tonight, can we…?”
Jia Zhi Qing answered decisively, “No.”
Lian Jue Xiu jumped. “Why not?”
“No reason.” Jia Zhi Qing turned away and thought to himself, I only just agreed to kissing, and now he spends all day sucking on me like I’m a jelly drink. If I agree to that, won’t he spend all day sticking it in like incense into a burner?
Gao Qin stuck his head out from the back. “Are you two still at the elementary-school hand-holding stage?”
Lian Jue Xiu gritted his teeth. “Get lost.”
Listening to Gao Qin’s mocking laughter, Lian Jue Xiu looked sorrowfully up at the sky.
Everyone around him had gotten their happy ending. How much longer was he going to be left howling alone at the night sky?!
He had already been laughed at anyway, and things could hardly get worse. Real, substantive progress was what mattered, so Lian Jue Xiu decided to call in outside help.
That Sunday night, under the pretext of having a get-together, he specially invited Yan Su Ang and the others out.
They gathered in a private room. Once all the food arrived, Yan Su Ang and Gao Qin concentrated on serving food while Feng Ya Lun and Xiao Bai concentrated on eating it. For ages, nobody spoke.
Lian Jue Xiu finally could not stand it anymore. “Did you all just get back from Africa? Can you eat a little less and talk a little more?”
Yan Su Ang peeled a shrimp for Xiao Bai as he asked, “Talk about what?”
“Uh, things like how to make life happier,” Lian Jue Xiu said awkwardly.
Yan Su Ang placed the peeled shrimp on Xiao Bai’s plate with satisfaction. “We’re very happy already.”
…
But he was still living in misery.
Lian Jue Xiu was deeply ashamed of their heartlessness. “Have none of you thought about me?”
Gao Qin said, “I’m not planning to cheat.”
Yan Su Ang agreed. “Besides, you’re nowhere near as cute as my Xiao Bai.”
…
Lian Jue Xiu snapped, “Who’s talking about that?! I mean, have none of you thought about the problem between Zhi Qing and me?”
Yan Su Ang sighed. “I heard there used to be someone who called himself a veteran gay man, an authority among authorities.”
Gao Qin said, “I’ve heard of that person too.”
Feng Ya Lun asked, “Oh? How’s he doing lately?”
Yan Su Ang said, “Apparently he’s suffering from serious sexual frustration.”
Lian Jue Xiu said, “Hey, enough. Keep going and I’ll turn on you.”
Yan Su Ang asked Xiao Bai, “Do you want anything else to eat?”
Xiao Bai said, “I’ve had enough.”
Yan Su Ang turned to Lian Jue Xiu. “Then turn on us after you pay the bill.”
…
Lian Jue Xiu wiped his face. “You’ve heard the saying that once you take someone’s things and eat someone’s food, you owe them a favor, right?”
Yan Su Ang finally showed a little sympathy. “Exactly how far have you two gotten?”
Lian Jue Xiu said miserably, “We’re one final step short.”
Gao Qin asked, “Have you tried an aphrodisiac?”
Feng Ya Lun casually jabbed him with his crutch and said softly, “Stop giving terrible advice.”
Lian Jue Xiu said, “Where do you even buy aphrodisiacs? Coke with MSG doesn’t work at all.”
Elio’s Notes: “Coke with MSG” refers to a period urban legend claiming the mixture worked as an aphrodisiac.
…
He really had been driven into a dead end.
Yan Su Ang’s sympathy deepened. “Use some strategy. Get him carried away.”
Lian Jue Xiu sighed. “The second I get even slightly close to him, he goes to level-ten alert. How am I supposed to get him carried away?”
Gao Qin said, “Kiss him until he passes out, then do whatever you want.”
Lian Jue Xiu said, “He bites.”
Yan Su Ang silently patted him on the shoulder.
Desperate enough to ask anyone, Lian Jue Xiu looked at Xiao Bai. “You’ve been with Zhi Qing the longest. Any ideas?”
Xiao Bai thought for a moment. “Ask Auntie Lian to talk to Zhi Qing. Zhi Qing has always listened to Auntie Lian.”
…
Everyone except Xiao Bai suddenly looked enlightened.
Lian Jue Xiu’s smile was the most wicked of all.
Halfway through dinner, Lian Jue Xiu went to the restroom. When he came back, he found the others huddled together, whispering among themselves.
“What are you talking about?” Lian Jue Xiu asked in confusion as he watched Xiao Bai hand money to Gao Qin.
Yan Su Ang sighed. “You’re hopeless.”
???
Lian Jue Xiu was completely lost.
“Why couldn’t you hold out a little longer before gradually asking about Jia Zhi Qing?”
Lian Jue Xiu understood at once. “You were betting on whether I’d ask about Jia Zhi Qing and me?”
Yan Su Ang wagged a finger. “Whether you would ask wasn’t worth betting on. We bet on when you would ask. Gao Qin said within three lines. I said within five.”
…
Lian Jue Xiu looked at Xiao Bai. “You bet too?”
Who would have thought it? Even someone as pure as Xiao Bai had been corrupted. Yan Su Ang was one seriously contaminated drainpipe.
Xiao Bai shook his head. “No. I was the banker. Ang said no matter who won or lost, I could take thirty percent.”
…
Lian Jue Xiu asked, “How much did you bet?”
Yan Su Ang said, “Quite a lot. Ten yuan.”
Lian Jue Xiu abruptly stood, yanked open the door, and shouted into the hallway, “Check, please!”
After a tiring day, Jia Zhi Qing had just finished showering and was about to get into bed when he heard a knock at the door.
It can’t be that sexually frustrated bastard again, can it?
His head started to hurt.
These past few days, Lian Jue Xiu’s offensive could only be described as stopping at nothing. Threats, bribes, every trick imaginable had come out. Two days ago, he had even given Jia Zhi Qing Coke with MSG mixed into it. Jia had no idea whether it was supposed to have the effect of an aphrodisiac, but the taste was something no human being would willingly remember. Heaven knew how many bottles’ worth of MSG Lian Jue Xiu had poured in!
What possessed me back then to actually agree to be with him?
Now look at him. Inviting a god in was easy; sending one away was hard. After letting the wolf into the house, Jia Zhi Qing could not kick him back out no matter how hard he tried.
He opened the door listlessly, then instantly perked up and smiled. “Auntie.”
Mother Lian smiled through the security door. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
“The place is too messy.” Ever since Xiao Bai moved out, Jia Zhi Qing’s home could only be described as the kennel of an exceptionally lazy dog.
Mother Lian said, “That’s all right. I only want to sit for a while. You can’t expect me to stand here shouting to you through the door, can you?”
With things put that way, Jia Zhi Qing could only let her in.
But the moment Mother Lian stepped inside, she discovered that Jia Zhi Qing had actually been understating things.
What lay before her could not be called “a little messy.” It looked as though a hurricane had passed through.
“Uh.”
When Mother Lian picked up a foul-smelling sock that looked like a cleaning rag for the sixth time, Jia Zhi Qing broke down. “Why don’t we go sit at the café down the street?”
Mother Lian remained unmoved. “It’s fine. I think it’s quite nice here.”
“…” Jia Zhi Qing tried desperately to work out whether that was praise or criticism.
“How about,” Mother Lian said slowly when he remained silent, “we tidy up a little?”
…
So it was criticism.
Looking at Mother Lian’s smile, Jia Zhi Qing suddenly had a very bad feeling.
He soon found out exactly what was bad about it.
In Mother Lian’s “let’s tidy up a little,” “let’s” meant she gave the orders while he did the work.
And “a little” meant turning the entire apartment upside down.
He was profoundly grateful that Mother Lian had not found any wall-painting tools in his room.
When Lian Jue Xiu arrived, Jia Zhi Qing was sprawled across the sofa panting like a dog from exhaustion. The instant he saw Lian Jue Xiu, he was only one step away from grabbing his leg and screaming, “My savior!”
Mother Lian sat in the completely transformed living room, smiling with the same elegant calm she had arrived with. “Jue Xiu, you’re here.”
A flash of conspiratorial delight crossed Lian Jue Xiu’s eyes. “Yeah. I just came from a meeting with the producers of Prison Tears. What made you think of coming to Zhi Qing’s place?”
Jia Zhi Qing looked at her aggrievedly. He wanted to know the answer to that too.
Mother Lian said, “Oh, nothing. I just realized that I’ve been a mother-in-law for so long, yet I’ve never visited my daughter-in-law’s home, so since I was passing by today, I thought I’d take a look.” She paused. “Zhi Qing has been busy all afternoon and must be exhausted. Jue Xiu, take him into the bedroom and give him a massage.”
…
Mm-hm.
A massage sounded good.
Jia Zhi Qing was pleased for only a moment before something started to feel wrong.
If it was only a massage, why did they have to go into the bedroom?
Watching Lian Jue Xiu shut the bedroom door with a lecherous grin, he immediately went on guard. “What are you doing?”
“Giving you a massage.”
“Do you have to close the door for a massage?”
“You don’t?”
…
Jia Zhi Qing reminded him, “Your mother is right outside.”
“Exactly. What are you afraid of?” Lian Jue Xiu pulled him onto the bed.
Because that’s your mother, not mine.
Jia Zhi Qing struggled to get up.
Lian Jue Xiu simply flipped him over, sat astride his backside, and began gently massaging his shoulders with both hands.
Perhaps because resistance was getting him nowhere, Jia Zhi Qing gradually quieted. The pressure on his shoulders was neither too hard nor too light, kneading him so comfortably that he almost moaned.
Lian Jue Xiu’s hands slowly moved downward, tracing along his spine until they reached his waist.
Feeling those ten fingers advancing toward his lower abdomen, Jia Zhi Qing jolted and turned his head. “What are you doing?!”
Lian Jue Xiu had not yet answered.
Mother Lian’s footsteps approached, followed by a knock on the door. “What happened?”
“Nothing, Mom.” Lian Jue Xiu smiled rather smugly.
Mother Lian gently opened the door. “Since the two of you have decided to build a life together, then build it properly. Your father and I have discussed it. You may not be an ordinary husband and wife, but a marriage certificate is still necessary. You’ve already been together for a while, so when you have time, go register your marriage in America.”
Jia Zhi Qing exclaimed, “Huh?”
“What do you mean, ‘huh’? You two aren’t putting on an act for me, are you?” A sharp gleam flashed in Mother Lian’s eyes.
“Of course, of course… not.” Jia Zhi Qing gave a dry laugh.
“If you’re not, then get married.” Mother Lian looked at Lian Jue Xiu, who was still sprawled over Jia Zhi Qing and refusing to get off him, and smiled. “I’m hardly some old-fashioned fossil. If you young people want to do that sort of thing, go ahead. You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll sit outside for a while and see if there’s anything else that needs tidying.”
…
Jia Zhi Qing watched the door slowly close, his terror reaching its peak.
I-Isn’t this basically forcing an honest man into prostitution?!
As Lian Jue Xiu’s hand moved lower beneath him, he grinned wickedly. “Qing Qing, just accept your fate.”
Jia Zhi Qing forcibly suppressed the stirring low in his belly and gritted his teeth. “This was planned!”
Lian Jue Xiu’s fingers teased him deftly. “Oh? Then should I call my mother back in and explain everything to her?”
“…” Jia Zhi Qing was no match for his strength on an ordinary day, much less now, when he was exhausted. He cursed silently, then gave up and lay still on his stomach.
Lian Jue Xiu let out a wolfish howl and pounced!
Outside the room, Mother Lian smiled silently, then left the apartment and gently closed the security door behind her.
Downstairs, the taxi driver who had been waiting for her looked as though his hair was about to turn white. The moment he saw her come out, he hurried over. “Ma’am, you said you’d only be upstairs for a little while, but that ‘little while’ was an awfully long little while!”
Mother Lian took three red hundred-yuan bills from her pocket, stuffed them into his hand, got into the taxi, and said, “To the airport.”
…
The driver immediately jumped into the front seat.
With a whoosh, the taxi sped away.
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