Lu Xingyan had never thought about why one person could not leave another. His thoughts were simple enough that he only knew he loved Jiang Ji and never considered why he loved him. And because he had buried those feelings so deeply that he had even deceived himself, he had never thought about what kind of future this hopeless love might lead to.
His pursuit of Jiang Ji came from instinct, like migratory birds flying south or fish swimming upstream.
What about Jiang Ji’s feelings for him?
Lu Xingyan had never dared to think too deeply about it before. Now that he no longer had any secrets left to hide, he rested against his brother’s shoulder, his tears nearly spent, and suddenly thought that perhaps it was fine if Jiang Ji said nothing. Just do not abandon him, do not wake him up. Let him stay like this until the end of time.
But he did not have to wait that long. Jiang Ji suddenly raised a hand and held his face, his thumb brushing lightly across it to wipe away the tears. The warmth of his palm against Lu Xingyan’s skin made him shudder as though he had been jolted back to his senses, and he immediately grabbed that hand. “Bro…”
He had always thought his brother’s hands were cool because he himself ran too hot; every touch had felt like a high fever. Today, however, he suddenly felt warmth from Jiang Ji’s body. Lu Xingyan did not know whether crying had made him dizzy enough to hallucinate, but either way, he held on first.
Jiang Ji’s hand was flesh and bone. Describing it that way made Lu Xingyan sound uncultured, but that really was what he thought: at first touch it was soft, smooth, and delicate, but when he gripped it tightly, he could feel how hard the bones were. Like Jiang Ji himself, there was something unbreakable about him—strong and dependable.
Lu Xingyan held his brother’s hand tightly. He did not dare press him for an answer and knew he hardly looked impressive right now; he should be grateful Jiang Ji was not disgusted by him.
But what embarrassing side of him had Jiang Ji not seen? His silence was not scrutiny. He was thinking.
“Let’s go home first,” Jiang Ji suddenly said.
Lu Xingyan froze. Instinctively, he did not want to leave, but Jiang Ji closed his hand around his and pulled him back the way they had come.
It was the same road, but with their direction reversed, the light seemed to grow brighter. Lu Xingyan did not understand what Jiang Ji meant. After walking for several minutes, he finally called, “Bro—”
“Let me think.” Jiang Ji cut him off. “Let’s go home first. Get a good night’s sleep tonight.”
“I don’t want to sleep.”
“You have to sleep even if you don’t want to,” Jiang Ji said. “Give me a few days to think. We’ll talk again afterward.”
“…”
Lu Xingyan’s heart rose into his throat. “Think about what?”
He actually understood, but he could not help asking. As long as the conversation continued, it was better than Jiang Ji falling silent—silence made him panic.
But Jiang Ji did not answer. He brought him back to the restaurant parking lot, opened the car door, and pushed him into the back seat.
“Aren’t I driving?”
“Can you drive like this?” Jiang Ji said. “Call a designated driver.”
“…”
There were plenty of designated drivers outside restaurants on weekend nights. Jiang Ji handed over the car keys and sat in the back seat as well.
With a third person present, they said nothing on the way home. Jiang Ji wanted a cigarette, but he had not brought any today. There were some in the storage compartment up front, but he did not ask the driver to get them for him. Silently, he looked toward the window, though what he was really looking at was not the streets outside but Lu Xingyan’s hazy reflection in the glass.
Lu Xingyan had never thought about why one person could not leave another. Jiang Ji had.
Jiang Ji had been around ten when his parents divorced. That year, after Jiang Wanyi finished the divorce proceedings, exhausted, she took Jiang Ji to settle into their new home. They had a meal to celebrate their new beginning, and that evening she asked him, “From now on, you’ll live with Mom and won’t go stay with Dad anymore. Will you miss him?”
Jiang Ji shook his head. “No.” Then, trying to sound grown-up, he asked, “Will you miss him, Mom?”
“I won’t either,” Jiang Wanyi said. “I stopped loving him a long time ago.”
Jiang Ji was still young then and did not understand what “love” meant.
Jiang Wanyi found a demanding job and worked from morning until night, sometimes taking overnight shifts and rarely having days off. Whenever she did get a break, she took him out somewhere. Jiang Ji liked pretending to be a little adult and would solemnly chat with his mother as though they were friends.
They talked about her ex-husband, Lin Kaiyang, and also about the new boyfriend she had met, Lu Yong.
Jiang Wanyi never avoided discussing relationships with Jiang Ji. She was willing to open her heart and share what she had learned from life with her son.
Jiang Wanyi had her own understanding of “love.” She said that in her twenties, she had had a very clear plan for her life, but Lin Kaiyang’s appearance had thrown everything into disarray. She had gotten pregnant unexpectedly while they were still passionately in love, married him in a daze, and ruined the future she had planned.
After the divorce, remarriage had not been part of her new life plan either, but Lu Yong’s appearance had disrupted that plan too.
“Life is like that. It’s difficult to follow a plan forever, and being that rigid would be boring anyway.”
After meeting Lu Yong, Jiang Wanyi had become much more cheerful. She smiled at Jiang Ji and said, “If you asked Mom what love is…”
She thought for a moment. “I think love is something that always manages to disrupt your plans. Strictly following a life plan wears us out. We need something outside the plan… something almost dreamlike.”
—Dreamlike love.
Perhaps one person could not leave another because only that person could make them lose their head, stray from their plans, and plunge headfirst into the dreamlike whirlpool of love.
Jiang Ji watched Lu Xingyan’s reflection in the glass and thought about many things along the way, but by the time he got out of the car, he had already forgotten exactly what he had been thinking.
They were all scattered fragments—elusive emotions and a decision he still could not make.
After seeing the designated driver off, Jiang Ji and Lu Xingyan went upstairs together.
Jiang Wanyi and Lu Yong were not home, which made both of them breathe a little easier. Otherwise, it would have been difficult to explain Lu Xingyan’s red, swollen eyes and the heavy atmosphere between them.
Earlier in the car, while Jiang Ji had been looking at Lu Xingyan’s reflection in the glass, he knew that Lu Xingyan had been looking at him too. That face had alternated between clear and blurred, sometimes washed in brilliant neon colors, replaying in Jiang Ji’s mind like scenes from a movie.
Even though the real person was right behind him now, Lu Xingyan followed him upstairs with his head lowered, like a tail that could not be shaken off.
“Go sleep in your own room.” Jiang Ji gave the order again.
Lu Xingyan obediently opened his bedroom door. Before going inside, he asked, “We haven’t broken up, right?”
“…”
Jiang Ji answered with silence. Afraid that the next thing out of Jiang Ji’s mouth would be something he did not want to hear, Lu Xingyan stopped asking. He watched Jiang Ji close his door first, then entered his own room, switched on the light, and lay down on the bed.
Lu Xingyan felt both clear-headed and confused. He had already laid all his cards on the table and no longer had any way to “compete” with Jiang Ji. All he could do now was wait passively for the verdict.
Jiang Ji had said he needed to think, that he needed a few days. Was he considering abandoning Lu Xingyan, or staying with him forever?
Lu Xingyan knew that if they stayed together, the biggest obstacle they would face would be their parents.
Whether Lu Yong and Jiang Wanyi could accept homosexuality at all was still unknown, let alone both of their sons being gay and dating each other within the same family.
Although Sun Cheng and a few of their other friends only laughed and joked about it and did not think there was anything morally wrong with two brothers dating, what would their relatives and neighbors think if word got out? If all that gossip eventually reached home, it would only make things even harder for their parents to accept. And Jiang Ji… probably would not find it easy to accept either, would he?
Only Lu Xingyan himself was thick-skinned enough not to care about people pointing fingers at him or laughing at him.
But even so, he did not want Jiang Ji to end up in such an awkward position because of him.
But I want to be with Bro. What am I supposed to do?
Lu Xingyan took a shower and forced himself to listen to Jiang Ji and get some proper sleep.
But after turning off the lights and lying down, he suddenly remembered how much Jiang Ji had drunk. His head would probably hurt in the morning. Lu Xingyan immediately went downstairs to find the housekeeper and asked her to make a bowl of hangover soup.
Lu Xingyan had originally wanted to make it himself, but now was not the time to act cute or curry favor, so it was better to leave it to the housekeeper.
He carried the bowl of hangover soup, made with fruit and honey, to Jiang Ji’s door and knocked. Jiang Ji was actually working. His laptop screen was lit, with several open documents beside the mouse.
“I’m not here to bother you.” Lu Xingyan handed the soup to Jiang Ji. “It’s sweet. Drink it before you sleep so you won’t wake up with a hangover headache.”
“…”
Jiang Ji took it and set it down, saying he understood. Lu Xingyan knew he should leave without waiting to be told, but apparently he had not cried enough earlier because his eyes were filling with tears again.
He sniffed and suddenly felt doomed all over again. Jiang Ji was being so cold—how was this any different from breaking up?
Lu Xingyan understood that, with Jiang Ji’s personality, he probably was not afraid of gossip or other people’s judgment either. But he cared about Jiang Wanyi. He cared about this family.
To put it plainly, Jiang Ji probably did not love him deeply enough—at least not deeply enough to stand firmly beside him against everything.
“…” Lu Xingyan held back his tears, lowered his eyes to the floor, and tried to be a little more sensible. “I know this is difficult for you, Bro.”
Jiang Ji looked at him in silence.
“I’m not as clueless as you think. I can do a lot for you, as long as you need me to. So you really have to think it through properly. If there are any problems, talk to me about them. Don’t make a decision on your own without saying anything to me, okay?”
“Mm.” Jiang Ji stood beside the desk with one hand resting lightly against the bowl of hangover soup, the steam warming his skin and reminding him of the damp heat of Lu Xingyan’s tears against his shoulder.
The person opposite him kept talking, as though afraid that if he did not say everything now, he would never get another chance. “Actually, the streaming platform is offering me a really high salary. Even without my dad, I can support myself… and you. If I work harder, someday I can buy you even more expensive cars and watches.”
“…”
Lu Xingyan lowered his head farther and farther. Saying things like this embarrassed him, as though he were displaying his plumage in courtship. He knew perfectly well that money was not what Jiang Ji cared about.
“Anyway—” Lu Xingyan took a deep breath. “I’m already grown up, Bro. Don’t treat me like a child.”
“Mm. I know.” Jiang Ji answered, drank the hangover soup in front of him, then suddenly leaned in with the sweet scent of honey still on his lips and kissed his cheek. “Be good. Go back to sleep.”
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