Futile Devices Scans

Every half month, Su You Yan hired an hourly cleaner to thoroughly clean Zhi Li’s dorm room. Ke Bu leaned outside the door with his arms folded, his pant legs rolled up to expose the smooth curves of his calves. Wearing a sour expression, he spoke in a strange tone. “Oh, the personal secretary is here again. When are you going to have my and Hao Yu’s room cleaned too? After all, this money comes from public funds, doesn’t it?”

Su You Yan did not even glance at Ke Bu and ignored him completely. She merely took out her notebook and began taking inventory. She opened the wardrobe and counted with the pen in her hand, then looked at the clothes hanging outside to dry. Afterward, she turned toward Zhi Li, who was drawing. Ke Bu snorted through his nose, twisted open the bottle cap, and began drinking water.

Su You Yan asked seriously, “Zhi Li, how many pairs of underwear are you wearing today?” Because of the sudden question, Ke Bu choked on his water and could not speak, coughing continuously.

Zhi Li raised his head. “How many do you think I should be wearing?” Su You Yan lifted her chin toward Ke Bu, whose eyes were watering from choking. “Go and check.”

“Please don’t order me to do something so filthy.”

“You’ve done things far filthier than this. Stop pretending to be innocent.”

Worried that Su You Yan would expose even more inside information in front of the cleaner, Ke Bu reluctantly walked over to Zhi Li. Zhi Li continued drawing as if nothing were happening. While glancing at the cleaner, Ke Bu reached his fingers toward Zhi Li’s trousers. He also had to watch Zhi Li’s expression at all times, afraid Zhi Li might suddenly drive a knee upward and knock his brains out.

“Excuse me.” Ke Bu bent over, slightly lifted Zhi Li’s shirt, and felt around beneath his waist, trying his best to make his expression appear perfectly upright and honorable. At some point, Zhang Luo had appeared at the dormitory entrance holding a camera. Ke Bu only heard the camera shutter, followed by Zhang Luo’s voice. “This month’s WWB champion has been decided.”

Ke Bu pulled his hand back and shouted, “Things aren’t what they look like in that photo! Zhi Li, explain it too!”

“What?”

“You Yan, say something too.”

“What?”

“Don’t imitate Zhi Li!!”

Ke Bu had always been thick-skinned. Even after being photographed like this, he would not have raised an eyebrow. The main problem was what Zhang Luo had said: the WWB champion. The WWB competition was practically a club activity. At the end of every month, they selected the club’s most lewd, filthy, and perverted member—the WWB champion—who would be fined one hundred yuan. Su You Yan, that shrewd secretary, was simply thinking of every possible way to earn money for public expenses. Ever since this activity had been proposed, the group members had framed one another every day for the sake of their own safety, climbing mountains of blades, descending into seas of fire, and stabbing their friends twice in the back.

“Back to the matter at hand. How many?” Su You Yan corrected the topic again.

“This can be considered serious business? One.”

Su You Yan pinched her chin, her expression grave. “One pair of underwear has actually gone missing. Something this perverted…” She did not finish speaking and merely shifted her gaze toward Ke Bu. Ke Bu stamped his feet. “Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me? With my character, could I possibly do something like that? Besides, it’s only one pair of underwear. Besides, you can just buy another pair. Besides, Zhi Li doesn’t care about such a minor thing.” Ke Bu fired off several “besides” in succession.

“Have you ever seen him care about anything?” Put that way, Ke Bu had no choice but to agree. Zhi Li completely lacked the common sense required for daily life. Aside from remembering to bring his sketchbook and pencils, he forgot practically everything else or treated it as dispensable. He never locked his door either. Who knew at which stage of his education Lan Yin had neglected to teach him all the survival instincts ordinary humans should possess? But then again, with a mother like that, there was no point expecting much. It would have been strange if she had raised a normal person.

Su You Yan adjusted her lensless glasses. “The underwear itself is obviously unimportant. What’s truly shameful is this kind of behavior. If we let it go unchecked, certain people will only become bolder.”

“You’re still looking at me!!” Ke Bu glared. Su You Yan continued, “Someone who steals underwear today might steal a phone tomorrow, a computer the day after that, and eventually, a person.”

Hearing this, Ke Bu suddenly became filled with righteous indignation. “Right, you’re right. We have to investigate. What a filthy bastard, daring to steal Zhi Li’s things without considering who he is. He’s a member of my family, Ke Bu’s family. Even when beating a dog…” At this point, Zhi Li narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t hear that last sentence clearly.”

Ke Bu reacted at lightning speed. “Even when hitting the master, you have to consider the little dog. I’m the legendary loyal hound.”

In the hideout, Su You Yan held a telescopic baton. She gave it a stylish flick, extending it with a frightening sound. Gong Zhu, Chu Hao Yu, Zhang Luo, Ying Xiu Jie, and Ke Bu stood in a row. Su You Yan paced back and forth before them. “We’ll begin by eliminating internal suspects. I’ve been far too lenient with you lately. Every day, you deceive and swindle, seize and plunder, seduce respectable women, and engage in petty theft. Although I have already inspected everyone’s wardrobes and found nothing, please confess honestly. Who stole Zhi Li’s underwear?” Everyone shook their heads in denial. Su You Yan flicked the telescopic baton once more. “Words alone prove nothing. Now, all of you take off your trousers so I can inspect your underwear.”

Chu Hao Yu was the first to protest. “Don’t! There are girls here.” It was rare for Chu Hao Yu to feel embarrassed. Just as Ke Bu thought this, Chu Hao Yu added, “The underwear I’m wearing today isn’t attractive. Why don’t I go back and change into another pair first?”

“Cut the nonsense.”

To prove his innocence, Ying Xiu Jie undressed faster than anyone else. Chu Hao Yu followed immediately. Gong Zhu removed his trousers bashfully. Although his underwear was designed for men, it unexpectedly had lace on it. Zhi Li sat bored at the front and glanced at Gong Zhu’s underwear. In a naturally innocent tone, entirely free of impurities, he said, “It must not have been easy to find women’s underwear in that size.”

Gong Zhu’s face reddened, and even the roots of his ears turned red. He hurriedly defended himself. “They’re for men!!”

Ke Bu unfastened his trousers. “Look as much as you like. It wasn’t me anyway.” After spending so long with this group, Ke Bu had become somewhat numb to things like this.

“No matter how much we look, it still won’t get any bigger, little enoki mushroom.”

“Bullshit! Stop insulting my masculine dignity, little thumbtack.”

Zhou Xin He had kept her back turned the entire time. Hearing the boys joking only made her even more uncomfortable. Chu Hao Yu called from behind her, “Xin He, you can turn around now. We’ve already put everything back on.” The moment Zhou Xin He turned around, that damned pervert Chu Hao Yu actually pulled down his underwear. “Look, look! Look at Uncle over here, little girl.” Zhou Xin He screamed and covered her eyes. Zhi Li grabbed the book on the table and threw it, striking Chu Hao Yu directly in the crotch. “Visually offensive.”

“That’s my book!! Burn it! Hurry and burn it!!”

While things were lively on this side, Zhang Luo alone remained standing completely still. Su You Yan stared at him, signaling for him to hurry. Embarrassed, he scratched his head and grinned. “None of my underwear has been washed. Lately, I’ve been going commando.”

“If I were you, I truly wouldn’t have the face to smile.” Ke Bu venomously looked down on him.

Zhang Luo pulled his casual trousers tight. “See? I definitely wasn’t lying. There’s no outline of any underwear, right?”

“Even if none of you is wearing it, you might have destroyed it. The count still matched yesterday. Tell me where each of you was last night.” What kind of pointless things did Su You Yan spend every day doing? Ke Bu thought this but did not dare say it aloud.

Chu Hao Yu spoke first. “Then it definitely wasn’t me. Last night, I went outside the school to find Zhang Luo. The two of us stayed up all night watching discs.” After speaking, the two exchanged smiles whose meaning was extremely dirty.

“I spent the whole time punching the sandbag and exercising. The people in my dorm can testify,” Ying Xiu Jie said.

“I was chatting with the older sisters in a fujoshi group. There are chat records.”

Now only Ke Bu remained. Zhi Li stared at Ke Bu with great interest, wearing a smile that was not quite a smile. Ke Bu’s gaze flickered as he stammered. Everyone else immediately thought he must be hiding something.

Chu Hao Yu added fuel to the fire. “Oh? You can’t say where you were. Don’t tell me you secretly went out and cheated on Zhi Li last night. You can’t behave like this, Ke Bu.”

Ying Xiu Jie added fuel to the fire. “You can’t hide this kind of thing for long. You can’t behave like this, Ke Bu.”

Zhang Luo added fuel to the fire. “No wonder I thought your behavior had been unusually vulgar lately. You can’t behave like this, Ke Bu.”

Gong Zhu added fuel to the fire. “Does Lord Zhi Li not treat you well enough normally? How could you do something like this? You can’t behave like this, Ke Bu.”

Zhou Xin He added fuel to the fire. “Even I feel angry. You can’t behave like this, Ke Bu.”

Su You Yan merely snorted through her nose, and that alone was enough to trample Ke Bu into the ground. Ke Bu gritted his teeth. “One day, you people will force me to buy a machine gun on the black market and mow you all down.”

“We strongly suggest searching Ke Bu again, finding evidence of his infidelity, and putting him in a pig cage!” The crowd’s demands were extremely passionate. Ke Bu shrugged. “I don’t object. Search as much as you want.”

The group arrived at Ke Bu’s dorm room. His blanket lay messily across the bed. Ke Bu followed the principle that even if he folded it, he would only sleep in it again that night, so why bother with all that trouble? Su You Yan examined Ke Bu’s messy bed, walked forward, and lifted the blanket. Everyone was stunned. Ke Bu was stunned. Zhi Li’s underwear slid out from beneath the blanket.

That one small slide was enough for Ke Bu to quickly remember last night. After the two of them had, well, ah, finished doing that, Zhi Li came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his lower body.

“Why aren’t you sleeping here tonight?”

Zhi Li walked toward the door without even turning his head. “Your sleeping posture is terrible.” He then closed the door and left.

Ke Bu shouted from behind him, “That’s the behavior of a client who leaves after paying for sex!!”

Therefore, that pair of underwear had been left behind last night. This time, Ke Bu could not explain himself even if he had a hundred mouths.

“Shameless! Far too shameless! You’re so shameless that I have nothing left to say. Even if you took them, we wouldn’t have said anything, but you actually refused to admit it to the bitter end. Tsk, tsk. Everyone, spit on him.”

“Pah! Someone framed me.” Ke Bu stubbornly continued denying it.

After giving him a thorough moral education, everyone clasped their hands behind their backs, shook their heads, and walked out of the dormitory, each wearing an expression of lament for the state of society. Ke Bu grabbed the clothes on Zhi Li’s back. “You, my friend, please wait. You knew all along, didn’t you?”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” Zhi Li continued walking forward, dragging Ke Bu behind him.

“No, no, don’t give me that. Explain yourself clearly.”

“Why take it so seriously?” Zhi Li shrugged and spoke as lightly as passing clouds and wind. His attitude severely provoked Ke Bu. Ke Bu went mad, wrapped his arms around Zhi Li from behind, and shook him back and forth. “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I’m going to kill you!!”

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