Xia Jia Zuo looked a little happy. “So you can’t decide who’s better between me and Zhi Li?”
“No. It’s that I’ve never compared you two.” Ke Bu slowly shook his head. “Isn’t it weird to compare the person you love most with some outsider? Who could I even compare him to? There’s only one person I like most.”
Ke Bu spoke his feelings honestly, leaving Xia Jia Zuo stunned. “So in your eyes, I’m not a good person?”
“Maybe.” Ke Bu slowly turned his face toward him. “But did I ever say I liked good people?”
After saying that, he stood up. Xia Jia Zuo followed suit, not pressing the subject further. “Heading back to class?”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s go together. I just happen to have something to discuss with your class representative.”
Ke Bu nodded. He didn’t feel like talking much. It felt exhausting somehow. Ke Bu had always considered himself someone who wouldn’t randomly trip while walking, but just before reaching the classroom, a glass marble rolled out from nowhere. At the same moment, the corner of his eye caught sight of Zhi Li standing outside the classroom with a girl. Losing his balance, he was caught around the waist by Xia Jia Zuo.
Ke Bu didn’t panic. He only stared at Zhi Li. The girl seemed to hand Zhi Li something resembling movie tickets before blushing and saying, “You absolutely have to come, okay? Thank you.” Then she ran off.
“K-Ke Bu, are you okay? You look awful.” Xia Jia Zuo’s voice finally pulled Ke Bu back to reality. Steadying himself, Ke Bu suddenly found the situation laughable. So casually pushing him toward someone else was simply so Zhi Li could openly go out with some pretty girl?
“Oh no… Zhi Li saw what just happened. Zhi Li, um, it’s not what you think…”
“There’s no need to explain something like this, right?” Ke Bu interrupted Xia Jia Zuo. Zhi Li wouldn’t care anyway. He wouldn’t care whether Ke Bu had fallen or whether someone else had caught him. Sure enough, Zhi Li didn’t seem interested in listening at all. Holding the tickets in his hand, he simply walked into the classroom. Xia Jia Zuo was about to chase after him, but Ke Bu stopped him and shouted loudly from behind, “I think you shouldn’t go after him. Otherwise you might get punched for no reason again.”
Zhi Li’s gaze swept over Ke Bu, making his whole body tremble. Unable to endure it, Ke Bu quickly looked away and returned to his seat, burying his head against the desk.
He hated it. He hated this thing called love. There were too many emotions with nowhere to go. Before, he could’ve mocked Zhi Li endlessly over something like this, but now that bitter, sour ache was the aftereffect of being in love. He could no longer suppress the urge to possess every part of Zhi Li completely. He hated love. Hated those insincere words. Hated that because he hurt so much, he wanted Zhi Li to taste that same pain too. Hated the lying version of himself. Yet at the same time, he loved being in love so much. Loved Zhi Li’s body warmth. Loved his personality. Loved his face. Loved his wickedness. Loved him unbearably, overwhelmingly.
Zhi Li. My Zhi Li. My dearest Zhi Li.
You’re so smart—can’t you see it? Can’t you see how much I love you?
At some point, Ke Bu fell asleep on the desk. The sound of the dismissal bell woke him up. There were no more classes that afternoon. Slowly packing his things, he prepared to leave, but one of the boys rushing out of the classroom accidentally knocked the books from his hands.
“What the hell?!” Ke Bu shouted.
The boy hurriedly apologized, but Ke Bu ignored him, crouching down to gather his books with his head lowered so nobody could see his face. He muttered repeatedly under his breath, “What the hell… what the hell is this…”
The boy stood there awkwardly for a moment before finally leaving. Gradually, the classroom fell silent. Ke Bu remained crouched on the floor without saying a word, hugging the books tightly to his chest, neither standing up nor leaving.
“What? Crying?” Zhi Li’s voice held no emotion at all.
Ke Bu looked up sharply, brows tightly furrowed. “Keep dreaming. Who the hell do you think you are? You think I’d cry over you? I, Ke Bu, would never cry over you, Zhi Li!”
He hurled the books at Zhi Li. They slammed into him before scattering all over the floor again. Zhi Li frowned. “Are you done making a scene?”
That impatient tone made Ke Bu feel like the air had been sucked out of the room, making it hard to breathe. So in Zhi Li’s eyes, he was just being unreasonable? Ke Bu laughed softly and picked up the books again, hugging them against himself. “Yeah. I’m done. Throwing a fit by myself is exhausting.”
Just as he was about to leave, Zhi Li grabbed his wrist. Ke Bu tried to yank free, only to feel sharp pain shoot through his arm. “Let go. I have things to do.”
“What things could you possibly have?”
“Wasn’t it you who told me to try things out with Xia Jia Zuo?”
His words only made Zhi Li tighten his grip harder. Ke Bu was shoved against the wall, staring directly into Zhi Li’s furious expression. Zhi Li’s face pressed close to his, breath spreading across Ke Bu’s skin. “Looks like you really do want to make me angry.”
“You’re overestimating me. Do I even have that kind of ability? Aren’t I just someone you can casually throw away whenever you want?”
“So am I just someone you can casually compare to other men?”
“Who said something like that? You’re the one who told me to go try things out with Xia Jia Zuo! Am I really someone you can just hand over to somebody else so casually? I’m the person you like. Aren’t I? Or am I not? You just tossed me aside and told me to go try things with someone else. What exactly do my feelings mean to you? You shouldn’t have… you shouldn’t have treated me like that. I was hurting. I was unhappy. I was angry. I hate you, Zhi Li. I hate how easily you said those words. I can’t accept it. I don’t even have the courage to watch you with another girl, but you…”
Ke Bu pushed against Zhi Li’s chest with one hand, desperately shoving him away.
“And only you are allowed to say things like that?” Zhi Li snapped. “Only you can praise other men? Only you can cling to other men in front of me? I can’t do that, Ke Bu. If we’re going to hurt, then we’ll hurt together.”
He bit down on Ke Bu’s lower lip. The pain spread from his mouth straight into his heart. Ke Bu’s face went pale as he trembled weakly. Releasing him, Zhi Li leaned close to his ear and whispered softly, “Ke Bu… be even more afraid. Be terrified of me. Be so afraid you’ll never dare leave me.”
Yes. The thing that truly shattered Zhi Li’s composure was realizing that Ke Bu was afraid of him. That single instant when Ke Bu instinctively avoided his outstretched hand—Zhi Li had heard something inside himself collapse. After all these years by Ke Bu’s side, how laughable was it that in the end, all he received back was fear? Just like back then. Just like those people in middle school. Everyone else who had looked at him with that same frightened gaze.
A ringtone suddenly sounded from inside Zhi Li’s bag. He glanced at the caller ID and answered.
“Hello. Yeah, go ahead. Do I really have to go? Got it.”
Was it that girl from earlier? They’d already exchanged phone numbers?
The pain in Ke Bu’s chest became unbearable. He fled. Fled far away from Zhi Li. He didn’t want to hear it—not even a little. Why did he have to hear something like that?
He hated arguments more than anything. Countless times as a child, he had hidden alone in his room while listening to his parents screaming outside, listening to plates shattering. Shut up. Just shut up. If you can’t stand each other, then leave. Get out of my world. Get out of my home.
But now, this time, he himself was trapped inside the argument. So who was he supposed to tell to shut up now? Where was he supposed to run?
This world only contained two things now: Zhi Li and loneliness.
These tangled threads bound him and Zhi Li together. When one moved, it tightened around the other. When the other struggled, it only wrapped tighter in return. In the end… in the end, it would inevitably become a dead knot. Unable to break free. Unable to move backward. Unable to move forward. Dying there in place.
Pain! It hurt so much!
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Futile Devices Scans 
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