Lin Yi had acted like a beast all night, but by the end he managed to recover a little humanity. He cleaned Zhou Ruo An up and even gave him a simple bath.
Everything that should and shouldn’t have been seen, everything that should and shouldn’t have been touched, had already been thoroughly seen and touched. Zhou Ruo An simply let him do as he pleased until he was finally carried back to bed.
Held in Lin Yi’s arms, his back pressed against the man’s chest, Zhou Ruo An could faintly feel that strong, steady heartbeat passing through flesh and skin until it gradually merged with the rhythm of his own heart.
Zhou Ruo An wasn’t used to the feeling. He tried to pull away, only to be dragged back again.
Lin Yi said nothing. He merely lit a cigarette, draping one arm across the hollow of Zhou Ruo An’s waist while holding the cigarette beyond the edge of the bed. Zhou Ruo An gave up caring. Since he couldn’t struggle free, he stopped trying. Leaning against Lin Yi’s chest, he pulled the man’s hand toward himself until the cigarette reached his lips, took a drag, then exhaled after the smoke swirled once through his mouth.
“Does it still hurt?” Lin Yi asked beside his ear.
“It hurts.”
Zhou Ruo An wasn’t lying. It still hurt, but something else seemed to be mingled with the pain, fine threads winding around him, impossible to explain and frightening to dwell on.
Lin Yi lightly kissed behind Zhou Ruo An’s ear, sounding almost sincerely apologetic. “Next time I’ll watch some videos and learn a little more.”
Zhou Ruo An raised his hand and looked at the bite marks on his fingers, which had almost completely faded. He mocked him, “You learned these from videos too? If you’d put this much effort into school back then, maybe you could’ve scraped together a university diploma.”
Lin Yi rested the cigarette on the ashtray and freed a hand to rub Zhou Ruo An’s long fingers. “These don’t need studying. Talent is enough.”
“Shit.” Zhou Ruo An rested his head on Lin Yi’s arm, found a comfortable position, and slowly closed his eyes. Even his voice grew sleepy. “Lin Yi, when you hold me, do you actually feel anything? Doesn’t it feel like you’re holding one of your buddies?”
The man shifted his waist upward slightly, silently proving that he did—and very much so.
Zhou Ruo An sighed softly. “I’ll find you someone pretty, alright? Someone even better-looking than me. If you only like my type, I’ll fucking pay for someone to get cosmetic surgery.” He turned his head slightly, his cheek brushing Lin Yi’s chin. “Since all you like is this face of mine, I’ll get you another one that looks about the same.” Lin Yi lowered his gaze toward Zhou Ruo An in his arms. They were so close that their eyes met before his gaze could even fully settle.
“Do you know when I first noticed you?” Lin Yi asked instead of answering, picking up the cigarette from the ashtray.
Zhou Ruo An thought for a moment but couldn’t find the answer.
Lin Yi pointed toward the window with the cigarette between his fingers. “That’s where I first noticed you.”
Zhou Ruo An followed the gesture toward the window. “You were inside, and I was outside?”
“Yeah. You were probably eleven or twelve that year. It was winter too, during the coldest stretch of the season.”
“My dad had already been dead for several years by then. I lived here alone. Whenever I got bored, I’d stand by the window and melt the frost patterns on the glass with my hands so I could look outside.”
Zhou Ruo An pictured what lay beyond the window: a stretch of reeds, nothing much to look at. Lin Yi’s home stood at the deepest end of the alley beside stagnant water that sometimes stank of fish in summer and was battered by harsh winds and snow in winter. Even within the urban village, the houses had their own pecking order, and Lin Yi’s was at the very bottom.
“Usually there wasn’t anything interesting outside this window,” Lin Yi continued. “But that day, a few kids were playing on the frozen reed pond. They’d hidden themselves in the dry reeds with only their heads sticking out.”
“Then you came looking.” Zhou Ruo An abruptly twisted around. Memories buried for years were struck open by those few simple words, cracking through the thick shell of ice covering them. He saw his younger self trudging through deep snow into the reeds, calling again and again, “Mimi, Mimi.”
“Those kids were…”
“Abusing a cat,” Lin Yi finished for him. “Then you got into a fight with them like none of you cared whether you lived or died. When you finally stumbled out of the reeds bruised and battered, that was when I saw the little orange cat you were holding.”
“I…” Zhou Ruo An settled back into Lin Yi’s embrace and stared into the pitch-black night beyond the window, deliberately turning his voice careless. “I took a job from the blind granny next door. Five yuan to find her cat. Once I take a job, I can’t leave it unfinished. Miss one job, stay poor for life.”
The cigarette burned down, and Lin Yi crushed the butt into the ashtray. Then he tightened both arms around Zhou Ruo An and rested his chin on the other man’s shoulder. “Even though we lived in the same area, I never really noticed you before. After that, though, I kept seeing you. I watched you for years. Then you provoked someone you shouldn’t have and came looking for me, wanting to be my underling so I’d protect you. That was when we really got to know each other.”
“What underling? We were friends.”
Lin Yi rubbed his chin against the skin beside Zhou Ruo An’s neck and laughed softly. “When you first wanted to follow me around, you were so obedient. You did whatever I told you. Then you realized I spoiled you, and your backbone straightened right up. Eventually you even started ordering me around. Zhou Ruo An, you’re better than anyone at reading the situation and adapting to it, but… you’re actually very kind.”
Zhou Ruo An stared blankly for a moment before exploding. “Lin Yi, are you deliberately insulting me?!”
Lin Yi laughed and let his hands wander, gripping Zhou Ruo An below the waist and moving slowly. “Zhou Ruo An, whether someone is beautiful depends on whose eyes are looking. I just think you’re beautiful. You’re the only person I want to do this kind of thing with.”
“Lin Yi…” Zhou Ruo An’s breathing grew increasingly ragged. “I’m already exhausted. Don’t…”
Before he could finish, heat surged through his body as Lin Yi entered him.
Zhou Ruo An threw his head back and gasped sharply. Once the worst of it had passed, he gritted his teeth. “Lin Yi, are you trying to play me to death over these three days?”
Lin Yi gripped his neck, tipped his head back, and kissed him. “I won’t play you to death.” His low voice disappeared into Zhou Ruo An’s mouth. “Young Master Zhou is in excellent shape.”
Time became thick and sticky with desire, losing all meaning as something that could still be measured.