June 1, 2018
06:00 — Woke up in bed at Shanghai Disneyland Hotel. Bathed, dressed, washed up, shaved, put on cologne, and styled myself into a dapper old boy.
07:00 — Tried to drag Mr. Xia out of bed. Failed. Got hit with a pillow. Mr. Xia: “Stop making noise! I’m jet-lagged!” “What damn jet lag is there between Hong Kong and Shanghai?!” “Shut up!”
07:30 — Tried again to drag Mr. Xia out of bed. Failed. Complained that someone his age could still sleep this much. Was thrown out of the room. Went to the restaurant to eat alone.
08:00 — Went to a café alone, drank coffee, and worked. Ordered Mr. Xia a new car as a birthday gift. Because I spoke Mandarin with such a strange Cantonese accent when saying, “This car has great impact,” and because my face looked vaguely familiar, a server who came over to chat mistook me for a Hong Kong celebrity.
08:30 — Found a financial magazine on the café rack with myself on the cover. Admired it with satisfaction and indulged in some shameless self-appreciation, deciding I looked not a day over forty—fresh-faced and handsome. Bought a small cake to celebrate Mr. Xia getting another year older.
09:00 — Got a call from Mr. Xia, who had just woken up. Mr. Xia tactfully apologized for the earlier “domestic violence” and tactfully demanded that I get my ass back there immediately.
09:05 — Went upstairs and used cake to coax Mr. Xia into a better mood. Mr. Xia complained that the cheesecake was too sweet. I said I wasn’t as sweet as cheesecake, so he could eat me instead, and asked for a kiss. Mr. Xia said it was mushy and cliché, but still “ate” me.
10:00 — Walked hand in hand with Mr. Xia to the park entrance: 人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃。
Elio’s Notes: 人 represents adults/people, while 娃 represents children.
10:02 — Blamed Mr. Xia for sleeping in and making us queue. Mr. Xia shot back, “Hong Kong has Disneyland too, and you still insisted on coming here!” “Coming here has commemorative meaning. It’s Children’s Day here.” “You’re fifty-one and you still celebrate Children’s Day?” “You’re fifty-four and you still sleep in?” Thus began an argument.
10:05 — When husbands argue, even dogs want nothing to do with them.
10:10 — Went to the service desk to ask whether someone like Mr. Xia could buy a senior-priority ticket. The staff explained that someone like Mr. Xia did not qualify as elderly, and that although there was no senior-priority ticket, the two of us could buy the Tycoon Gold Premium Service and skip the lines. They also added, “Sir, please stop hitting him. Your friend’s hairstyle is about to be ruined.”
10:11 — The hairstyle could not be saved.
10:15 — Used the tycoon method and bought the premium guided service: no queues for rides, reserved seats for shows.
10:20 — Successfully entered the park. 人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃娃。
10:21 — Mr. Xia had never seen such a boundless sea of people in his life and wanted to go back to Hong Kong. Reminded Mr. Xia that Hong Kong also has the Tsuen Wan Line at eight in the morning and Canton Road on Christmas Eve.
10:25 — Accompanied Mr. Xia to brunch. Mr. Xia found fault with every restaurant. Told him not to be so picky; Mr. Xia said none of them looked as good as what I cooked. Heart: sweet.
10:35 — Mr. Xia declared that this hot dog tasted better than what I made and ate three in a row. Decided to treat Mr. Xia to a fresh “hot dog” tonight.
11:00 — Mr. Xia nitpicked every attraction and finally chose TRON Lightcycle Power Run.
11:15 — Thrilling. Rapid descent. Terrifying.
11:25 — Clutched my chest, leaned against the wall, and stood there crooked. Mr. Xia told the guide I was old and had a weak heart. The guide cheerfully replied, “Haha, you two really know how to joke. You’re both very young! Are you from Hong Kong? You’re so handsome—are you actors? Do you know Zhazha Hui? Welcome to play here!”
Elio’s Notes: “Zhazha Hui” is a meme pronunciation of Hong Kong actor Nick Cheung’s Chinese name, Zhang Jiahui, originating from the way his name sounded in a heavily accented game advertisement.
11:30 — Mr. Xia chose Roaring Rapids next.
11:40 — Thrilling. Water splashing everywhere. Rapid descent. Terrifying.
11:50 — Dizzy and disoriented; everything I looked at made me want to throw up. Mr. Xia mocked me without mercy. Did not want to speak to Mr. Xia. Cracks appeared in the relationship.
11:55 — Drank the cold soda Mr. Xia bought for me. Rested with my head on Mr. Xia’s thigh. Enjoyed Mr. Xia’s gentle head massage. Relationship repaired at high speed. Heart: sweet.
12:00 — Heart stayed sweet for only five minutes. Thor came out for a show. Was abandoned on the bench. Mr. Xia eagerly went to watch Thor.
12:02 — Mr. Xia admired Thor’s muscles. Mr. Xia cast a disdainful glance back this way. Thor: the nightmare of every boyfriend and husband.
12:05 — Mr. Xia still wanted to ride Rex’s Racer. Thrilling, high-speed… Seeing how pale I was, Mr. Xia said, “Better go ride the carousel with you instead.”
12:15 — Rode the carousel. This old man briefly rediscovered his girlish heart. Deeply satisfied. Mr. Xia rode his horse while playing on his phone.
12:35 — Rode Dumbo the Flying Elephant. This old man once again rediscovered his girlish heart. Deeply satisfied. Mr. Xia kept playing on his phone. Tried to peek at what Mr. Xia was doing but failed to see clearly and got dizzy from Dumbo instead. Questioned why Mr. Xia was not dizzy. Received a disdainful look.
13:15 — Picked a restaurant at random for lunch. It truly was awful. Mr. Xia suggested I try the hot dogs again. Resolved to treat Mr. Xia to a steaming “hot dog” tonight.
14:00 — Watched Frozen. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
15:00 — Watched Captain Jack. Fun, fun, fun.
16:00 — Watched Tarzan. Handsome, handsome, handsome. Mr. Xia admired Tarzan’s muscles. Mr. Xia cast another disdainful glance this way. Never imagined I would have to compete not only with male idols, but with a male ape too. Life is hard.
16:30 — The Tycoon Gold Premium Service was about to end. Mr. Xia seized the chance to ride Rex’s Racer. Mr. Xia told me to wait below.
16:35 — To prove that I was a better husband than any male idol or male ape, I insisted on going with Mr. Xia after all.
16:45 — Was carried out of Rex’s Racer by Mr. Xia in a princess carry. Attracted the attention of nearby children. One child said, “Mom, remember last time a big brother got carried out by an uncle like this too? But they didn’t kiss-kiss like these two.” The mother covered the child’s eyes and said, “Don’t learn bad things from these two uncles.” Mr. Xia said, “Damn it! That was artificial respiration—first aid!”
17:00 — Regained consciousness. Delivered a long speech of reflection: should never have come to an amusement park; there was no point pretending to be young at this age; my body couldn’t keep up anymore; fainting at the drop of a hat meant I might be in a wheelchair in another few years… Mr. Xia said, “Shut up. Who was the one fucking me every which way for an hour last night? You just scared yourself unconscious.”
17:10 — Strolled and ate, ate and strolled.
18:00 — Rested in a café. Went online to handle company business. Mr. Xia played on his phone.
20:00 — Went with Mr. Xia to watch the fireworks. 人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人Mr. He holding hands with Mr. Xia人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人。
20:15 — 人人人人人人人人人人人人人Mr. He人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人Mr. Xia人人人人人人人人人。
20:30 — After many twists and turns, finally reunited with Mr. Xia amid the rolling sea of humanity. Asked whether he still wanted to visit Chenghuang Temple. Mr. Xia took out his phone and searched for it: 人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人。 Mr. Xia: “I’m going back to Hong Kong!”
20:31 — “Baby, let’s not go back to Hong Kong. Let’s go back to the hotel and celebrate instead. I’ll even treat you to a hot dog.”
21:00 — Arrived at the hotel. Excitedly went to shower and invited Mr. Xia to bathe with me; Mr. Xia refused and kept playing on his phone.
21:20 — Finished showering. Mr. Xia went in to bathe and tossed his phone aside.
21:21 — Mr. Xia’s phone kept lighting up with notifications. Curiosity got the better of me; I skillfully unlocked it and snooped. Discovered that besides his Facebook account, Mr. Xia also had a mainland Weibo account named “Haven’t Been a Big Boss for Many Years,” with a profile picture of smiling lips. He had quite a lot of followers, every one of them a pretty young man. Mr. Xia rarely typed; most of the time he posted photos. Today’s Disneyland series included a wrinkled pillow, a cake with one bite taken out of it, a hot dog, Thor’s arm, the carousel, and Dumbo. The final photo was the side profile of a man asleep on his lap: the angle was narrow and the light deliberately blocked, leaving his face indistinct. All that could be made out was an elegant outline, a straight nose, long eyelashes, faint lines at the corners of his eyes, and slightly graying temples. The comments below were numerous and positively dripping with thirst. Couldn’t understand them.
21:23 — Scrolled farther down and found many secretly taken photos of the same man: his silhouette, his hands, his brows, his earlobe, the faint muscles of his lower abdomen, the curve of his ass beneath a suit… The thirsty comments begged for nudes and full-face shots. Mr. Xia always replied, “Mine! Not sharing!”
21:24 — Went to the mirror to compare and discovered that every body part in those photos matched my own exactly. Even the lips in the profile picture were mine.
21:25 — Well, well, Xia Liu Yi.
21:30 — Calmly put the phone down, secretly delighted. Slipped into the bathroom to cling to Mr. Xia and join him for a lovers’ bath. Invited Mr. Xia to eat a hot dog in the bathtub.
21:55 — After enough “eating” up top, switched to “eating” below. Delighted. Carried Mr. Xia onto the bed and eagerly began feasting on my Children’s Day banquet.
22:30 — Gongs and drums shook the heavens; wild waves crashed. Both sides got far too excited. The one on top threw out his back; the one on the bottom strained his groin. We both froze stiff on the bed, unable to move.
22:35 — With difficulty, shifted into a 69 position to massage each other.
22:50 — Felt a little better. Supported each other into the bathroom to wash.
23:00 — Lay in bed, rather disgruntled. Consoled myself that it had still been a wonderful Children’s Day. Tomorrow I would register a Weibo account and follow Mr. Xia, then post the treasured photos I had of Mr. Xia wearing an apron.
23:01 — Exchanged a goodnight mwah with Mr. Xia.
June 2, 2018
Woke up in the hotel bed. The first thing I did after opening my eyes was register a Weibo account called “Haven’t Been a Boss’s Wife for Many Years,” with a profile picture of Big Boss’s huge yawning mouth.
By noon that same day, Big Boss had blocked me.
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