A new intern arrived at the Identification Bureau. His name was Lu Xiao Ming.
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Lu Xiao Ming fell in love at first sight with Inspector Xie—or, more precisely, with his butt.
Lu Xiao Ming was lively, adorable, fair-skinned, and fresh-faced. Together with He Sen Mi from the Forensic Pathology Service, the two were known as the “Two Little Ones.”
Xiao He was as still as a virgin lamb, while Xiao Ming moved like a bolting deer. One lamb and one deer, the two herbivore-type gay besties often exchanged tips on how to pursue carnivorous beasts.
Elio’s Notes: This line parodies the idiom “still as a maiden, swift as a fleeing rabbit” by replacing the maiden and rabbit with a sheep and deer. The invented “virgin lamb” also sets up the sexual joke in the next paragraph. “Gay besties” reflects a Chinese internet pun in which the word for calcium is used as a sound-play on “gay.”
After Xiao He got his pipe unclogged and was no longer such a “virgin lamb,” he summarized his hard-earned wisdom for Xiao Ming: green-tea tactics, acting delicate, and acting cute.
Xiao Ming copied the whole routine exactly and took it straight to Inspector Xie.
The very next day, the sternly impartial Inspector Xie filed a report with Lu Xiao Ming’s superior, Chief Xu: “This intern is scheming, has poor stamina, and is an overgrown baby. He is seriously hindering the investigation process. I request that his internship qualification be revoked.”
Xiao Ming: “……”
He’s way too hard to chase!!! (╯‵□′)╯︵┻━┻
Xiao Ming went home crying and poured out his grievances to his older cousin Lu Jia Qi, who had just returned from overseas.
“Xie A’Hua?” Lu Jia Qi said. “Before I went abroad to study, we were classmates. We even shared a desk. He’s a good guy and really friendly. He wouldn’t make things difficult for you for no reason. We haven’t seen each other in years. I’ll contact him, catch up with him, and put in a good word for you.”
Lu Jia Qi arranged to meet Xie A’Hua at an old tavern. First, they reminisced about the friendship they had shared as deskmates. Then Lu Jia Qi talked about how, after going abroad, he had met his beloved wife and the two had ultimately married.
Xie A’Hua, who had secretly loved his old classmate for years: “……”
Inspector Xie had his heart broken and, on top of that, received a good-guy card aged to mellow perfection. After Lu Jia Qi left, he drowned his sorrows in alcohol.
Elio’s Notes: A “good-guy card” is internet slang for romantic rejection—the classic “You’re a good person, but…” response. Here the joke is particularly cruel because Lu Jia Qi innocently praises Xie A’Hua as a “good guy” while telling him about his happy marriage.
Lu Xiao Ming, who had secretly followed them, swooped in to seize the opportunity.
Inspector Xie lay slumped across Lu Xiao Ming’s back and asked in bewilderment, “Jia Qi, how did you get shorter?”
Don’t look down on a younger man for being short—__ while drinking milk.
Xiao Ming vigorously jiggled his chest. “Remember who I am!! I’m not my cousin!! Don’t get it wrong!! I’m Lu Xiao Ming—the one who’s been chasing you and got reported by you!!”
When the deer raged, two fell upon the bed and milk flowed five paces.
Elio’s Notes: This is a bawdy parody of the classical formulation “when a commoner rages, two corpses fall and blood flows five paces.” Here the two “corpses” fall onto a bed, while blood is replaced with “milk.”
The next day, when Xie raged, one deer lay slain.
After nearly getting beaten straight onto the autopsy table, Intern Xiao Ming finally got promoted from fuck buddy to boyfriend one year later.
Another year later, Old He retired and went traveling around the world with his spouse.
A new intern arrived at the Forensic Pathology Service. His name was Huang Kai Wen.
Huang Kai Wen was obedient, clever, fair-skinned, and fresh-faced. Together with Lu Xiao Ming and He Sen Mi, the three were known as the “Three Little Ones.”
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Xiao Kai Wen fell in love at first sight with Xiao Hao, one of Inspector Xie’s subordinates.
Xiao Ming passed on his hard-earned wisdom for pursuing a husband to Xiao Kai Wen: cling to him to death, be shameless to death, be a dead pig that fears no boiling water, then die first and live afterward.
Elio’s Notes: “A dead pig isn’t afraid of boiling water” describes someone who has become so shameless or unfazed that embarrassment and threats no longer affect them. The entire line repeatedly plays on the word “death.”
Xiao Kai Wen copied the whole routine exactly and took it straight to Xiao Hao.
Xiao Hao looked puzzled and asked Xiao Kai Wen, “Do you like me?”
Xiao Kai Wen was incredibly nervous. “Y-yes.”
Xiao Hao: “I like you too. Hug?” (づ??)づ
Xiao Kai Wen: “Hug!” (づ??)づ
Xiao Ming: ??????