- Better to Give Birth to Char Siu Than to You
Cui Xi Xi came bouncing into the office and made a beeline for the desk at the very end, where the nameplate read “Senior Inspector Xia Hao.”
Xia Hao was sprawled in his chair, his legs crossed and propped on the edge of the desk, smoking as he stared miserably at his computer.
Cui Xi Xi: “Boss! Writing another report?”
Xia Hao: “You do it?”
Cui Xi Xi shook her head furiously. “I’ve already written two for you this month. It’s someone else’s turn! Xiao Ma?!”
The big, burly Xiao Ma shot out of his seat, held both hands up with exaggeratedly dainty fingers, plucked three tissues from the box, and fled at the speed of light. “Boss! My stomach suddenly hurts! I’m going to the toilet!”
Xia Hao hurled an ashtray after him. “A whole bunch of illiterates! Not one of you can help me write a report?!”
“Forget it. Write it tomorrow!” Cui Xi Xi said. “Listen, the Forensic Pathology Service has a new trainee! Fair-skinned, fresh-faced, absolutely adorable! Hurry up and come flirt with him!”
Xia Hao’s face darkened. “Not interested.”
“Hey, I heard he has a master’s degree from Lung Gong Polytechnic. He’s a top student. Maybe he can help you write your reports.”
Xia Hao raised one eyebrow at her.
Cui Xi Xi redoubled her efforts. “Come take a look! We’re all colleagues from now on. We’ll be seeing each other all the time—if nowhere else, then over a corpse! We should get acquainted first! What if Inspector Xie from Team A makes the first move and sweet-talks the little cutie onto their team? Are we supposed to stare at Old He’s sour face every day again?”
She dragged Xia Hao through more than half the corridor and into the Forensic Pathology Service. Sure enough, Forensic Pathologist He, who was usually on duty, was nowhere to be seen. Sitting at his desk instead was a tall, slender, fair-skinned young man in a white coat and mask, completely absorbed in looking through a microscope.
Senior Inspector Xia and Inspector Cui from the Major Crimes Unit stacked themselves one above the other in the crack of the doorway, butts sticking out as they secretly peered inside.
Senior Inspector Xia: “How does that look like someone with a master’s degree? He looks seventeen or eighteen!”
Inspector Cui: “That’s why I said he’s all fair and tender. Don’t worry. In our line of work, one field assignment ages you three years. Give him a few months and he’ll be just like you—a fine old wine, aged and mellow.”
Senior Inspector Xia: “Old, my ass!”
The two of them started clawing and smacking at each other outside the door, making such a racket that they alerted the young trainee forensic pathologist inside. A pair of clear eyes like still water lifted toward them. He calmly looked outside first, listened to the commotion for a moment, and only then asked, “Can I help you?”
Cui Xi Xi shoved Xia Hao inside with one palm. Xia Hao immediately grabbed her and dragged her in with him. The two of them stumbled into the laboratory bench, making an entire tableful of reagents wobble dangerously.
The new trainee forensic pathologist hurriedly steadied the table. His eyes widened, but he still asked politely, “Can I help you?”
Cui Xi Xi secretly kicked Xia Hao.
Xia Hao kicked her back. “You’ve got some nerve… Ahem. I-I’m the head of Team B in the Major Crimes Unit. My name is Xia Hao. I came here to tell you—you’re new, right? From now on, our team’s corpses—no, our team’s cases—are your responsibility.”
The trainee forensic pathologist looked bewildered. “Huh? But today’s my first day as a trainee. I’m not allowed to conduct examinations independently yet…”
“Don’t care! It’s you!” Xia Hao cut him off fiercely. “You disagree? Aren’t you supposed to cooperate with us? I don’t care. Either way, we never want to see Old He’s sour face again! Right, Inspector Cui?”
“Not exactly,” Cui Xi Xi said. “Old He treats us pretty well. We’ll always respect Old He.”
Xia Hao turned around and glared at her. “You’re betraying me now? Did you eat a leopard’s—”
Then he saw Forensic Pathologist He standing behind Cui Xi Xi. “—a leopard’s little sweetheart or something? Look at you expressing our respect for Old He so vividly and exhaustingly.”
“It’s ‘vividly and exhaustively’! Xia Hao, you illiterate idiot!! Get over here and let me put in two stitches!!” Forensic Pathologist He roared.
Xia Hao tucked his big-bad-wolf tail between his legs and fled at light speed behind Cui Xi Xi.
Forensic Pathologist He shouted after them through the door, “Your entire team is a bunch of bastards! Hooligans!” Then he turned to the young trainee. “You’re not allowed to help them! You’re joining Team A from now on. Inspector Xie from Team A is a decent man.”
The young trainee forensic pathologist took off his gloves and mask, revealing a fair, handsome face. He smiled shyly. “But those two are kind of cute.”
“Cute, my ass! Xia Hao is the worst of the lot—always cutting corners and looking for ways to slack off! The rest of them aren’t much better!”
The young trainee lowered his head bashfully. “But he’s really handsome.”
Forensic Pathologist He sprang up and smacked him across the forehead. “Handsome, my ass! Lust has a knife hanging over its head! I’d have been better off giving birth to char siu than to you!”
Elio’s Notes: “Better to give birth to char siu than to you” is a humorous Cantonese parental insult meaning that an exasperating child is less worthwhile than a piece of char siu, or Cantonese barbecued pork.
- Mud That Won’t Stick to the Wall
In the early hours of the morning, fishermen near one of the outlying islands hauled a corpse out of the sea and reported it to the police.
Xia Hao and his team were sprawled all over the cabin of a Marine Police boat, sleeping in a heap. They only woke when the boat reached shore and the sour-faced Forensic Pathologist He went around yelling at them one by one. “Get to work! Get moving! You hopeless lumps of mud that won’t stick to the wall!”
Elio’s Notes: 烂泥扶不上墙 literally describes rotten mud that cannot be propped up against a wall. It is an idiom for someone considered hopeless or impossible to improve.
Yawning, Xia Hao pulled out a cigarette. Xiao Ma came over to light it for him while offering advice. “Boss, that old bastard’s mouth stinks worse than his face. Why don’t we throw a sack over his head, beat him up, and dump him on the island?”
Xia Hao rubbed his sleepy face. “Can you beat him?”
“He just practices Taiji, doesn’t he?” Xiao Ma said. “With those old arms and legs, how strong could he possibly be?”
“Why don’t you try later?”
“Fine! I will!”
Yawning, Xia Hao swung his long legs off the boat, then turned back and saw the new trainee forensic pathologist standing hesitantly at the bow, hugging his equipment case and apparently afraid to step down. Xia Hao was wearing jeans and a tight black tank top, with a narrow waist, long legs, and two strong, tanned arms exposed. Cigarette between his lips, he stood handsomely beside the boat and extended one hand like a perfect gentleman, producing a line of clumsy English: “May I?”
The young trainee shyly rested his hand on the back of Xia Hao’s and jumped down as delicately as Lady Sheep.
But once that slender body straightened up—whoa! He was exactly as tall as Senior Inspector Xia. With those incredibly long legs and that tall, upright figure, how could such a strapping young man somehow be unable to get off a boat by himself?
Xia Hao blew out a smoke ring, put on the air of an old sleazebag, and started negging him. “You desk workers really need more exercise. Investigating cases means getting battered by wind and rain. How are you supposed to handle that?”
The young trainee lowered his eyes, revealing a row of little fan-like lashes. “You’re right, Senior Inspector Xia.”
Xia Hao slung an arm around his shoulders. “Don’t call me Senior Inspector Xia. That’s too distant. Call me A’Hao! Once you become permanent, all the brothers on our team will still be relying on you to look after us!” He glanced at Forensic Pathologist He walking ahead, then lowered his voice and cursed, “That old bastard He can’t stand me. Sour mouth, sour face, every damn day! You’re much better—handsome and a top student too. Once we finish this case today, Brother Hao will treat you to dinner!”
The young trainee let Xia Hao walk along with an arm affectionately around him. His face reddened slightly as he said softly, “Okay.”
“Oh, right. I still haven’t asked your name.”
“Sammy. My Chinese name is Sen Mi.”
“Your surname is Sen?”
“No. Sen Mi is my given name.”
“Then what’s your surname?”
The young trainee remained terribly shy. “He. He Sen Mi.”
Xia Hao’s words jammed in his throat. He stared stiffly at the young man, then at Forensic Pathologist He’s broad back ahead of them. “Ahem. Then… Forensic Pathologist He…”
“He’s my dad.”
Xia Hao shuddered. A visible layer of goosebumps rose over his muscular arms.
An hour later, the group finished their inquiries at the scene and returned to the boat with the corpse.
Unable to make sense of it no matter how hard he tried, Xia Hao pulled Cui Xi Xi to the bow to stand in the cold wind and whispered, “This makes no sense. What kind of fairy did Old He marry to produce such a pretty son?”
“I was thinking the same thing,” Cui Xi Xi said. “It’s terrifying. Just thinking that he shares fifty percent of his DNA with Old He is enough to give me nightmares tonight.”
Xiao Ma, who had gone off to challenge Old He to a fight, dragged a battered sack over and felt his way down beside them. His face was swollen like a char siu bun, and he quietly began to cry. “Boss, it hurts so much.”
Xia Hao lovingly stuck a cigarette between his sausage-like lips and lit it for him. “Bear with it. Boss has been through that pain too. If I could beat him, you think I would’ve let the old bastard live this long?”
- Still So Small, Still So Round
The identity of the corpse recovered from the sea remained unknown. Xia Hao spent the entire day running around outside with his team. It was already nine at night by the time he hurried back to the station, took a shower, made himself a cup of noodles, opened a fresh carton of cigarettes, and got ready to battle surveillance footage for another few hours.
When he went into the corridor to make coffee, he noticed that the Forensic Pathology Service still had its lights on. He turned in for a look and found Forensic Pathologist Xiao He still sitting there peering through a microscope.
“You didn’t leave with that old gee—Old He?”
Xiao He looked up. Seeing it was him, he smiled shyly. “Dad hasn’t finished work yet. He’s still doing an autopsy at the mortuary. He asked me to bring some specimens back here to examine first.”
Xia Hao’s face darkened as he muttered, “That reckless old bastard.” Then he raised his voice. “Ahem. Tell him to go home and sleep! The corpse isn’t going anywhere!”
Xiao He glanced down at his watch. “He should be almost done. He said he’ll leave exactly at ten. Senior Inspector Xia, you’re still working too?”
Xia Hao unceremoniously planted his butt on Xiao He’s desk. “What do I have to go home for? Major Crimes is like this. When it’s quiet, you’re bored to death; when it’s busy, you’re worked to death. I’m sleeping here tonight.”
Xiao He lowered his eyes and secretly stared at his butt. Still so small. Still so round.
Huh? Why did I think “still”?
Xiao He thought about it for a long time, then suddenly asked, “Are you still taking me out to dinner tonight?”
Xia Hao stared at him. “You haven’t eaten yet?”
Xiao He nodded.
“You’ve been waiting all this time for me to take you to dinner?”
Another nod.
Xia Hao stared at him helplessly. “Don’t you have a master’s degree? How are you this dumb?”
Xiao He lowered his eyes sadly. “I am pretty dumb. Dad often says I’m char siu.”
Xia Hao looked at him with deep sympathy and innocently believed every word. In the many years that followed, he would often bitterly regret this unprecedented display of innocence.
At that moment, Xia Hao was filled with righteous indignation. “Your dad is way out of line! What kind of father says that about his own kid? You’re obviously so smart!”
Xiao He looked even sadder. “I’m not his biological son. I was an orphan. Dad adopted me.”
Xia Hao became even more sympathetic and shocked. “You poor kid.”
Then he immediately sent Cui Xi Xi a message: 【Great news! He isn’t Old He’s biological son! We don’t have to have nightmares tonight!】
Despite his sadness, Xiao He looked a little pleased. “Thank you for saying I’m smart. Dad says you’re no good, but I think he misunderstood you. You’re obviously very nice.”
Xia Hao blossomed with happiness and immediately leaned over to put an arm around his shoulders. “You’re the one with good judgment! Come on! Brother Hao is buying you dinner!”
Brother Hao brought little brother Xiao He back to his own office and treated him to a cup of noodles.
He even enthusiastically picked the little bits of minced meat out of his own cup and gave them to Xiao He. “Eat more. You’re still young. You’re growing.”
Xiao He: “…Thank you.”
Ah. No wonder Dad says he’s no good.
“I’ll give you half my coffee too,” Brother Hao said, enthusiastically pouring another half cup of water into it. “See? Now there’s more to drink.”
Ah. He really is awful. My lust just dropped a little.
“Oh, right. Don’t you have a master’s degree? Come, come. While you eat, help Brother Hao take a look at this. I just closed a case a few days ago and need to write a report. Something like this is ridiculously easy for a top student like you, right? You could finish it with a few taps of your fingers in the blink of an eye!”
My lust is completely gone! Not even that round butt can save him! I just want to pick him up and spank him a few times!
- My Sister Is So Gentle
A few days later, after the Major Crimes Unit and Forensic Pathology Service’s “friendly cooperation,” they tentatively identified a suspect in the floating-corpse case.
At one in the afternoon, the streets shimmered beneath the blazing heat. Everyone in Team B was hiding inside a van at the roadside with the air-conditioning on, staking out the suspect while eating cup noodles.
Cui Xi Xi: “Why do I feel like Xiao He has been avoiding us lately?”
Xia Hao: “Impossible. He only finished my third report yesterday.”
Cui Xi Xi: “Why do I feel like the reason he’s avoiding us is because he finished three reports for you?”
Xia Hao: “Impossible. He looked delighted while he wrote them. Smiling the whole time.”
Xiao Ma: “Boss, don’t you think that kid’s smile looks kind of fake? He’s Old He’s son. Even if he isn’t biological, he’s just as black-hearted as Old He. Rotten to the core.”
Xia Hao slammed his noodle cup down. “He’s a top student! Smart, good at writing reports, fair-skinned and clean-looking—what do you mean ‘black’?! You’re the one who’s black from head to toe! How many reports have you written for me? Half a report? Eight-tenths of one?”
Xiao Ma looked aggrieved. “Boss, you haven’t written that many complete reports yourself either. You’re so good at solving cases. If you weren’t lazy about writing things, you would’ve been promoted to Chief Inspector ages ago. I heard Inspector Xie from Team A is getting promoted at the end of the year! He isn’t half as capable as you!”
“You call that ‘being lazy’?!” Xia Hao said. “I straight-up don’t know how to write them!”
“How can you not know? You graduated from the Police Academy. You studied for that many years.”
“You don’t know shit. Starting when I was seven, every year I went to school was another year I wanted to drop out. The only reason I made it through was because of my two brothers. They beat me at home every single day, all the way until graduation.”
Cui Xi Xi cut in. “Since when do you have two brothers? Don’t you have one brother and one sister?”
Xia Hao looked deeply resentful. “My brother has a friend he grew up with. He’s my ‘second brother.’ He taught me how to fight too. Whenever my brother got tired of beating me, he took over.”
“Your childhood was miserable,” Cui Xi Xi said. “What about your sister? Did she beat you too?”
“My sister is incredibly gentle! My sister is the gentlest woman in the entire world! She can’t even bear to step on an ant. She can’t touch knives, she’s too scared to peel fruit, she can’t chop vegetables either, and she doesn’t even have enough strength to hold a broom.”
“So after your parents died, all these years, the rest of you have been doing all the cooking and housework, right?”
Xia Hao: “…”
“If she’s really that gentle, how could she sit there and watch your two brothers beat you from childhood until you grew up?”
Xia Hao: “…”
With his faith in familial love on the verge of collapse, Xia Hao finished arresting the suspect and conducting the interrogation, then made a special trip to his sister’s home. His sister was named Xia Xiao Mang and worked as a music teacher at a private secondary school.
When Xia Hao knocked on the door, his sister was in the living room tutoring a cute, round-faced girl in piano.
“A’Hao is here,” Xiao Mang said gently. “Sit on the sofa for a while. Peel yourself an apple to eat, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And peel two more for your sister and this little girl, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Oh, right. I’ve been too busy tutoring students these past two weeks, so I haven’t cleaned much. The house is such a mess. After you finish your apple, can you mop the floor for your sister? The mop is in the usual place.”
“Okay.”
“There are a few dresses in the laundry basket too.”
“They need to be hand-washed? Silk?”
“Yes. A’Hao is so smart and hardworking. Be gentle when you wash them, okay? Our A’Hao is so strong. Such a real man.”
An hour later, Xiao Mang finished the piano lesson and saw her student out. Then she turned back to look at A’Hao, who had obediently spent the entire hour doing housework.
“A’Hao, you’ve lost weight. Have your cases been exhausting lately?”
Xia Hao had just finished cleaning the range hood. He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “A little.”
“Come here. Let your sister wipe your sweat.”
Xiao Mang gently wiped the sweat from her younger brother’s face. “There. Handsome again. What did you come see your sister for? Did you miss me? I missed you so much.”
See how gentle my sister is! Gentle as a cloud!
Xia Hao, who did not feel that there was anything remotely wrong with his sister, left carrying a huge bag of snacks she had given him and even took two bags of garbage downstairs for her on his way out.
- Thank Goodness His Brother Turned the Tide
Still somewhat suspicious about this whole concept of familial love, Xia Hao went to his brother’s home next.
His brother was named Xia Cheng Qing and was a partner at an architectural design studio, a promising young entrepreneur.
Their parents had been in business and, before dying in a car accident, left behind a fairly substantial inheritance, so the three siblings had grown up without worrying about food or clothing. The eldest brother became an entrepreneur, the older sister became a teacher, and only the youngest brother seemed to have undergone some kind of genetic mutation: from childhood, he loved fighting and acting like a little hoodlum. No one could figure out whom he took after.
Fortunately, his brother managed to turn the tide. By beating the hell out of him over and over again, he forcibly beat the little hoodlum into a little policeman.
The person who had helped his brother turn the tide was at his brother’s home right now—the childhood friend who had always helped his brother beat him. His “second brother,” A’Ying, came from a wealthy family that owned a car dealership. A’Ying was not fond of studying either. After graduating from secondary school, he did not go to university and instead started helping his family manage the dealership.
To be fair, although he had no interest in academics, his mind was quite sharp. He ran the business impressively well. Once the money started rolling in, he had plenty of free time, so he spent his days driving a Ferrari all over the city and dropped by Xia Cheng Qing’s place whenever he had nothing better to do.
When Xia Hao was young, he could never understand it and rebelliously argued with his brother at full force. “Why does Brother Ying get to skip university and go into business, while I have to suffer through Police Academy?”
Xia Cheng Qing: “Brother Ying knows how to do business. Do you? With that brain of yours, if you don’t go to Police Academy, what are you going to do—become a gangster?!”
I don’t completely understand the logic, but I have the vague feeling you just insulted the Police Academy…
Back to tonight. Xia Hao carried the snacks his sister had given him over to visit his brother.
His brother and sister lived in the same neighborhood, just one street apart. The two older siblings saw each other often and looked after one another. Only their younger brother had loudly insisted on being independent, rented a room near the police station, and moved in like a stray dog scratching itself a den. Whenever a case came up, he practically lived at the station and sometimes went one or two months without visiting his siblings.
It was already eight in the evening, but looking up from downstairs, Xia Cheng Qing’s apartment still had its lights on. Carrying his snacks, Xia Hao happily trotted into the elevator.
The moment the elevator doors opened on his brother’s floor, the tall figure of his “second brother” crashed inside. A’Ying had a black eye and turned around roaring, “You bastard!”
Xia Cheng Qing charged in immediately after him and threw another vicious punch. “You’re the bastard!”
The two of them started brawling inside the elevator. Xia Hao caught two completely undeserved kicks in the process. Seeing the elevator practically shake around them, he anxiously yelled, “You’re both bastards! You’re both company bosses! You’re this old and still fighting—aren’t you embarrassed?!”
Xia Cheng Qing and A’Ying stopped throwing punches, grabbed each other by the collar, and turned their heads toward him in unison.
Apparently, fighting each other was embarrassing. Beating their younger brother was not.
For no reason at all, Xia Hao received another tag-team beating and was transported straight back to childhood.
“Does nobody care about reason anymore?!” Xia Hao was still yelling even after Xia Cheng Qing hauled him back home. “This is domestic violence! I’m arresting both of you! You have the right to remain silent, but anything you say—”
“Shut up,” Xia Cheng Qing said darkly.
Xia Hao obediently shut his mouth.
Xia Cheng Qing closed the door. “What are you doing here?”
“Is there no justice in this world?!” Xia Hao immediately started wailing again. “Brother Ying can come here every day, but when I come, you beat me up and ask why I’m here?!”
Xia Cheng Qing began rolling up his sleeves.
Xia Hao became obedient in a single second. “I came to visit you, Brother. I brought snacks.”
Xia Cheng Qing, whose figure was maintained to perfection, looked at him with contempt. “Snacks? When have you ever seen me eat snacks? You should eat less of them too!”
Xia Hao became even more aggrieved. “My sister gave them to me! Why is she allowed to eat them?!”
“What’s wrong with a girl having a few snacks? Your sister would still look good no matter how fat she got. You gain a little weight and you’re impossible to look at.”
“…”
Xia Hao turned away and silently wiped his tears. Only in my dreams will I ever meet a gentle, refined, caring, considerate older brother.
“Why were you fighting with Brother Ying?” he asked curiously.
“Because he’s an asshole!” Xia Cheng Qing snapped.
Xia Hao read the room and did not dare ask exactly what he had done to be an asshole. He only asked quietly, “Then will you make up tomorrow? My sister said she’s inviting Brother Ying too, and we’re all having dinner together tomorrow night.”
“Tomorrow’s problem,” Xia Cheng Qing said irritably. “I’ll have a talk with A’Ying tomorrow.”
Are you sure you mean “talk”? The look on your face says “beat him up again.”
Seeing how dispirited he looked, Xia Cheng Qing asked, “Have you eaten dinner?”
“I had salad at my sister’s… I’m still hungry.”
“Steak or wonton noodles?”
“Wonton noodles, hehe.”
Still looking grim, Xia Cheng Qing got up and went to cook noodles for him. Xia Hao grinned happily, sprawled across the sofa, and secretly opened the snacks his sister had given him. From the kitchen came Xia Cheng Qing’s voice cursing him. “Eat less! After you finish, rest half an hour and go downstairs for two laps!”
“Got it, hehe.”
- I Think I’d Better Help You Write Your Reports After All
Xia Hao was certain Old He was behind this.
After finishing Xia Hao’s fourth report for him, Xiao He disappeared from the Forensic Pathology Service office. No matter when Xia Hao went over during the next few days, all he ever saw was sour-faced Old He, who would promptly give him another scolding.
Old He definitely can’t stand seeing Xiao He and me being this “close”! He deliberately separated us! That black-hearted old bastard!
Xia Hao felt strangely empty inside. He had no idea whom he was supposed to find to write his fifth report. He had only known Xiao He for three months, yet it somehow felt as though they had known each other for three years.
Damn it. Why couldn’t I have met him when we were five? Then I wouldn’t even have needed to do my own kindergarten homework.
I could’ve fed Xiao He good food and drinks from childhood, protected him from the sun and rain, and become the kind of brother who trusted him with my life. Then he could’ve helped me write reports forever.
After sitting in front of the computer and scratching his head for most of the day without producing anything, Xia Hao grabbed his car keys and prepared to ditch work in search of Xiao He.
Since it was still working hours, Xiao He was easy enough to find. Xia Hao simply went to the mortuary.
When Xia Hao entered the autopsy room, Xiao He was holding an electric saw and cutting through a corpse’s sternum without even blinking, blood and flesh flying everywhere.
Bzzzz—!!
Xia Hao felt as though his own eyes were about to get bzzzzed open.
Xiao He stopped the saw and picked up a scalpel.
More blood and flesh followed.
His white coat and transparent face shield were speckled with blood, and the stench assaulted the nose. Xiao He did not change expression in the slightest, and every movement was ruthless and precise. He reached both hands into the chest cavity. After a bizarre series of creak, creak sounds, he pulled out an entire lung.
Only while holding that bloody lung did he finally notice that someone had entered the room. He turned toward Xia Hao. His clear, pond-like eyes widened slightly, giving him the innocent look of a startled little lamb.
A blood-soaked mutant little lamb, granted.
For some reason, Xia Hao’s teeth suddenly felt sore.
Wait. Why do my teeth feel sore? What does Xiao He have to do with teeth?
Looking slightly embarrassed, Xiao He put down the lung, removed his gloves, and took off his face shield. “Brother Hao, why are you here?”
Xia Hao forced himself to remain calm and casually wandered around the operating table, pretending to inspect this and that. “Ha, nothing. Just came to have a look around. What case is this?”
Xiao He looked embarrassed and guilty at the same time. He said quietly, “It’s… Team A’s case.”
Xia Hao pretended to sound casual. “Oh? You’re with Team A now? Inspector Xie treats you well enough?”
“P-pretty well…”
“Well, he is upright. And handsome too.”
Xiao He’s voice grew even quieter. “No… not really…”
“What?”
Xiao He lowered his eyes shyly. “He’s not as handsome as you.”
Xia Hao’s heart immediately bloomed with joy. He planted his butt on the edge of the operating table. “Really?”
Xiao He could not resist sneaking another glance at his butt. “Really. You’re handsome, and you’re amazing at solving cases.”
Xia Hao crossed his arms. “Then why aren’t you joining our team?”
Xiao He grew even more guilty whenever he lied. “Ah… Dad won’t let me.”
Xia Hao could not see through him at all. He immediately imagined the poor little lamb being mercilessly beaten by his father and forced to separate from his beloved Brother Hao. That evil old bastard He was practically breaking up a pair of lovebirds.
Xia Hao bravely made a promise. “We don’t have to be afraid of him. We’ll complain to the higher-ups. Something like this obviously has to respect your personal wishes, right? One look at you and I can tell you fit Team B perfectly. We need a smart and capable partner like you.”
Xiao He kept his eyes lowered instead of looking at him. He seemed hesitant and a little insecure. “Really? I’m still a trainee. I don’t have much experience.”
“No, no, no. You’ve got plenty of experience. Look at that lung you just pulled out. So perfect. So fresh.”
Xiao He slowly raised his eyes. Within those pond-clear eyes, a faint glimmer of darkness suddenly flashed.
His voice remained gentle. “But aren’t you only trying to bring me onto your team because you want me to write your reports?”
Xia Hao froze, then immediately panicked. His butt started squirming back and forth on the operating table. “What?! How could you think that? Of course it’s because of your outstanding professional ability! The reports are just incidental! If-if you don’t like writing them, then f-fine, I’ll write them myself from now on, and afterward you can just help polish them a little?”
Xiao He lowered his eyes and said nothing.
Xia Hao panicked even more. “Then—then you don’t have to polish them either. Just look them over. If there are any typos, point them out?”
Xiao He still said nothing.
“Fine, fine, fine! No more reports! No reports! I promise I’ll never make you touch another one. You can just write your own forensic pathology reports.”
Only then did Xiao He raise his head and smile with crystal-clear innocence.
“Brother Hao, you’ve got cadaver fluid all over your shirt and trousers.”
Brother Hao ran off screaming to take a shower.
There was a shower room and disinfection room beside the autopsy room. He scrubbed himself viciously from head to toe, repeatedly feeling his butt and sniffing to see whether any corpse stench remained. When he finished, he had no spare clothes, so he borrowed a pair of Xiao He’s dress trousers.
There was no spare shirt, however. He had no choice but to walk out bare-chested, wet from the shower, with Xiao He’s towel draped over his head.
The shower water had been scalding hot, leaving his entire body bright red as though he were a phoenix reborn in flames. Even his two little nipples had been steamed swollen.
Xiao He kept his face shield on and did not dare take it off. He sneaked one look, turned his head away, then sneaked another and turned away again.
Xia Hao was completely oblivious to his gaze. He only noticed that Xiao He was a little slimmer than he was, so the seat of the trousers was very tight around his butt. As he walked, he kept unconsciously tugging at the fabric stretched across it.
Behind his face shield, Xiao He silently swallowed.
Xia Hao was still bending over with his butt sticking out while putting on his shoes when he suddenly heard Xiao He speak behind him.
“Brother Hao…”
“Hmm?”
Xiao He’s voice trembled slightly, sounding terribly guilty. “I thought about it. I think I’d better help you write your reports after all.”
“Huh?”
- Those Skinny Little Arms and Legs
Xia Hao happily settled into a life where good fortune simply fell into his lap. Xiao He accompanied him to crime scenes during the day and wrote reports with him at night.
Of course, by “wrote reports with him,” what they mainly meant was that Xiao He wrote while Xia Hao smoked beside him.
Xia Hao had only smoked half a cigarette when Xiao He started coughing from it. Ai, frail scholars were so difficult to raise! Fine. He would stop smoking!
Xiao He also had nasal allergies and would sneeze nonstop at the faintest trace of cigarette smoke. Fine! The whole office would go smoke-free! Senior Inspector Xia personally cleaned every desk and every crack in the floor until not a speck of cigarette ash remained.
Senior Inspector Xia even took over cleaning the Forensic Pathology Service lab. Every bottle, jar, instrument, edge, and corner was wiped until it gleamed without a trace of dust.
Things like ordering food and saving seats in the police-station cafeteria obviously could not be left to hardworking desk staff either. Senior Inspector Xia ordered two of everything, arranged the plates beautifully, then pulled out Xiao He’s chair for him.
And that equipment case was so heavy. How could anyone let Xiao He’s fair, spotless hands carry it? With one grand wave of his hand, Senior Inspector Xia took care of everything: carrying the equipment case, washing Xiao He’s white coat, holding an umbrella over him when it rained, and standing in front of him to block the wind on blustery days.
Cui Xi Xi: “Boss, why do you look like some big dog Xiao He is keeping?”
Xia Hao: “What do you mean, dog? That sounds terrible! At the very least, I’m a wolf!”
Cui Xi Xi thought, Ah. A wolfdog. Even more obedient.
Xiao Ma could not stand seeing his idolized boss ordered around like this and kept trying, openly and secretly, to mess with Xiao He. Even during meals he would make snide remarks. When Xiao He sat down, Xiao Ma sniffed and said, “Oh, Forensic Pathologist Xiao He is mooching meals off Team B again. When are you going to go order your own food?”
Xiao He, who had just picked up his knife and fork to cut his steak, looked up at Xiao Ma with an innocent, bewildered expression, then obediently nodded. “Brother Ma is right. I’ve been troubling you all too much. I’ll order my own food tomorrow.”
“Don’t listen to him. Eat!” Xia Hao dropped into his chair and immediately turned on Xiao Ma. “Why are you bullying him? He’s been working his ass off doing experiments all day. Can’t you let him eat one decent meal?”
Before he even finished speaking, Xiao He’s knife and fork went clang! He had accidentally cut his finger. Xiao He hissed in pain and raised his hand. A thin bead of blood slowly welled from the skin of his fingertip.
Xia Hao immediately jumped up in distress. “How can you be this careless? Your dad is right. You spend all day looking stupid! Come on, come on, I’ll take you to disinfect it!”
Xiao He was hurried away with Xia Hao’s arm around his shoulders. As they walked, he turned back and gave Xiao Ma a crystal-clear smile.
Xiao Ma stared after him, dumbfounded. “…”
He elbowed Cui Xi Xi, who was enjoying the show beside him. “He’s a forensic pathologist! You seriously believe he can cut his own hand while eating steak?!”
Cui Xi Xi leisurely chewed her food. “Ma, why torture yourself? At best, you’re barley tea. He’s green tea. You can’t out-tea him.”
Elio’s Notes: “Green tea” is Chinese internet slang for someone who presents themselves as sweet, innocent, and harmless while actually being calculating or manipulative. Cui Xi Xi extends the joke by calling Xiao Ma “barley tea,” meaning he has no chance of outmaneuvering Xiao He.
The little green tea was led back to the office by Brother Hao, where they took out the first-aid kit.
“Don’t write reports tonight,” Xia Hao said as he held Xiao He’s finger and dabbed iodine on it. “Go home early and rest after dinner.”
Xiao He frowned slightly. “But…”
“What?”
“I’ve been staying in the police-station dormitory recently. The water pipe in my room is broken, so I don’t have running water.”
Xia Hao carefully placed an adhesive bandage over his finger. “I’ll go take a look for you tonight.”
“You know how to fix pipes?”
“What doesn’t your Brother Hao know how to do?” Xia Hao put an arm around his shoulders. “Come on! Let’s go finish dinner! Ignore that little bastard Xiao Ma. He’s just jealous because you’re smart and good at studying. If he bullies you again, tell me and I’ll beat him up.”
“No. Brother Ma treats me very well.”
“Ai, see? You really are stupid!”
After they returned to the cafeteria and finished dinner, Senior Inspector Xia went to Xiao He’s dormitory to repair his water pipe.
Before he left, Cui Xi Xi gave Senior Inspector Xia a sympathetic look.
Cui Xi Xi: “Boss, you should assign tomorrow’s work before you go. I’m worried you might not make it in tomorrow.”
Xia Hao: “Why wouldn’t I make it?”
Cui Xi Xi: “I’m afraid you’ll get hurt while fixing the pipe and won’t be able to get out of bed.”
Xia Hao: “What nonsense are you talking about? How could anyone get hurt fixing a water pipe?!”
Filled with confidence, he went off to repair the pipe.
In the end, it was his own pipe that got unclogged.
At first, Senior Inspector Xia still resisted. “With those skinny little arms and legs, you still think you’re getting on top—?!!”
Master Xiao He deployed the He family’s ancestral Taiji.
Senior Inspector Xia: “That’s cheating! Cheating! You’re even more black-hearted than your dad! You little bastard!”
“Brother Hao, am I small?”