If only Xia Xiao Man would die.
Xiao Luo said this to Mazu.
Mazu sat beneath the shade of a roadside tree, with the offerings left from the day’s worship still arranged before her. The night was deep. A cool breeze swept up a battered plastic bag, sending it fluttering through the air until it landed on Mazu’s head.
Elio’s Notes: Mazu is a Chinese sea goddess widely worshipped along the southern coast of China and among Chinese communities across Southeast Asia.
“Luo! What’s wrong? Hurry up!” the girls ahead called.
“Coming.” Xiao Luo pulled her nunchaku from behind her back and ran to catch up.
They were going to fight a bunch of stinking men. They were a group of young fly girls. Women were not as strong, and most could not beat men in a machete fight, so Xiao Luo regularly practiced with throwing knives and nunchaku. She knew her way around a gun too, but Kau Lung Walled City had rules: no firearms. Once a gun was used, it became a major incident, and major incidents had to be settled at a meeting of every society in the Walled City.
Elio’s Notes: 飞女, rendered here as “fly girl,” is older Hong Kong/Cantonese slang for a rebellious or delinquent young woman—a female street tough or juvenile delinquent. It is unrelated to the more modern English uses of “fly girl.”
Something this minor did not warrant a meeting. It had started because they had heard that the Straw Sandal from Yao Dong Hall had gotten drunk that evening over dog-meat hotpot and mocked the newlywed wife of Azure Dragon, the boss of Xiao Qi Hall, saying she used to work as a prostitute and calling her a whore.
Elio’s Notes: A Straw Sandal is a traditional triad position that serves as a liaison and chief messenger between branches and members.
They had heard it—only heard it—but Cui Dong Dong had already gone over alone with a machete in her hand. Xiao Luo was not going to be stupid along with her, so she ran back and gathered a group of their sisters.
By the time they arrived, Cui Dong Dong was already in the thick of battle, wielding her machete one against ten. She had already taken a slash across the back.
Xiao Luo charged in and held her nunchaku crosswise to block a slash for her. She reached out and touched the blood on Cui Dong Dong’s back, and tears immediately sprang to her eyes. “Are you stupid?! You dared come here alone?!”
“I knew you’d bring people!” Cui Dong Dong waved a hand as though it were nothing.
Xiao Luo was so furious that she kicked her hard.
Cui Dong Dong jumped from the pain and got angry too. “You crazy woman! Did you come here to help me or beat me?!”
Cui Dong Dong had a bellyful of anger to vent. In the end, she pinned the other side’s Straw Sandal’s head against the tabletop and slapped his blood-smeared face with the cold flat of her blade, one slap for every question. “Was it you who said it? Was it you? Huh? Did you say it? Did you or didn’t you?”
The Straw Sandal’s face had been slapped swollen, and he burst into loud sobs. “I said it! I said it! But I was talking about Xiao Qi Hall’s sister-in-law! What the hell does that have to do with Tan Xiang Hall?!”
Cui Dong Dong slapped him across the face with the flat of the blade again. “Then tonight I’ll merge Tan Xiang Hall into Xiao Qi Hall! Xiao Qi Hall’s sister-in-law is my sister-in-law too! Does that make it my business?! Does it?!”
Xiao Luo sat outside alone, wiping the blood from her nunchaku, when she heard Cui Dong Dong coming out with the other girls.
“Xiao Luo? Let’s go!” Cui Dong Dong called, casually tossing a severed finger onto the roadside as she walked.
Xiao Luo silently followed behind Cui Dong Dong. Spotting an opportunity, she pretended to trip and slammed into Cui Dong Dong’s wound from behind.
“You crazy woman! Are you trying to die?!” Cui Dong Dong cried out in pain. “Did you seriously do that on purpose?!” Even as she cursed, she pulled Xiao Luo over, kissed her, and wrapped an arm around her as they walked, laughing. “What are you mad about now?”
“You just said you’re merging Tan Xiang Hall into Xiao Qi Hall?”
“I agreed to it a few days ago. If we follow Azure Dragon, he won’t mistreat our sisters, right?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why the hell would I tell you? Who are you? You’re not my wife—Fuck! That hurts—!! Touch my wound again and see what happens! I’ll really lose it! You’ve really gotten completely lawless, huh?!”
Xiao Luo ignored her furious cursing and merely turned her gaze toward the Mazu statue they were passing once again.
If only Xia Xiao Man would die.
Xiao Luo knelt on a prayer cushion before the Four-Faced Buddha and said it.
Elio’s Notes: 四面佛, literally “Four-Faced Buddha,” is the Chinese name commonly used for Phra Phrom, the Thai representation of Brahma. Despite the Chinese name, the deity is not literally a Buddha.
Monks solemnly chanted scriptures, while devout men and women knelt in worship all around her. Here in a foreign land, no one understood the vicious curse she had uttered. If the gods and Buddhas in heaven could truly see her, perhaps they would be astonished by her audacity, malice, and irreverence. She did not care. She had never once felt the kindness of any god in her life. She had been abandoned, sold, despised and abused, treated like livestock. Heaven had never pitied her. Only Cui Dong Dong had ever cherished her.
But that was not even one ten-thousandth of how much Cui Dong Dong loved Xia Xiao Man.
She too wished she could have been born pure and kind, untainted by the mud, shy and innocent when she lowered her eyes and smiled. If she had been like that, Cui Dong Dong would surely have loved her deeply. She simply did not understand why she had instead been born with such a crooked, convoluted heart, or why years upon years of jealousy and hatred had grown until they pierced through her heart and bones.
If only Xia Xiao Man would die. She already had everything: a life without worries over food or clothing, a younger brother who adored her, a husband who loved her. And all Fang Xiao Luo had was one tiny scrap of love—the little bit of affection that the flirtatious Cui Dong Dong freely gave to every pretty girl she met. Why did Xia Xiao Man have to take even that tiny bit away?
Xiao Luo walked out of the temple. Cui Dong Dong stood outside yawning.
“You took forever,” Cui Dong Dong complained. “I told you ages ago that the calming incense from that place always has a long line. If you go too late, it’ll all be sold out.”
“You could’ve gone to buy it yourself.”
“Hah. Leave you here by yourself? Are you sure you wouldn’t secretly stab me tonight?”
“I wouldn’t. I’d put laxatives in your coffee tomorrow morning.”
“Damn, you’re vicious.”
Of course she would never be that vicious. She would only add brown sugar and fresh milk to Cui Dong Dong’s coffee.
If only Xia Xiao Man would die.
That was what Xiao Luo thought as she looked at the brown sugar and milk.
The coffee had been freshly ground, black and steaming. Xia Xiao Man sat on the sofa in Cui Dong Dong’s home. Xia Liu Yi was there too, and of course Cui Dong Dong was as well. The three of them were chatting happily.
Xiao Luo brewed coffee for them in the kitchen, listening expressionlessly as Cui Dong Dong asked how Xia Xiao Man had been sleeping lately and whether the calming incense she had brought back from Thailand was helping.
There was no poison in the house. But there was disinfectant in the bathroom. Drinking that would kill someone too, wouldn’t it? At the very least, it would ruin Xia Xiao Man’s voice, wouldn’t it?
She had heard Xia Xiao Man sing before. Cui Dong Dong had once played that record at home, and after listening to it, Xiao Luo understood. Her own singing voice really was far too similar to Xia Xiao Man’s.
But Xia Xiao Man’s voice was clean and pure. Xiao Luo, on the other hand, never sang again from the day she heard that record.
The first time they slept together, Xiao Luo had forced Cui Dong Dong into it. She knew Cui Dong Dong did not want to sleep with her. Cui Dong Dong had said that a rabbit did not eat the grass beside its own burrow, that she wanted to raise Xiao Luo properly and someday marry her off to a good family. Xiao Luo tied her up. It was a loose knot she could have broken free of with one struggle, and the bedroom door was only a step away, yet the light stayed on for a very, very long time that night. Cui Dong Dong said one thing but meant another. Her palms were damp. Even the breath clinging between them as they nuzzled intimately together was damp. After the light went out, they gently caressed each other in the darkness. Cui Dong Dong kissed every inch of her skin and kissed her throat.
Dong Dong liked her.
Dong Dong liked her voice.
If only Xia Xiao Man would die.
But without Xia Xiao Man, there would never have been a voice like this, and Dong Dong would never have liked her.
A tear fell into the coffee.
“Hey, crazy woman, are you messing with me in front of Xiao Man and Xiao Liu today? Mine’s the only coffee without sugar! It’s so bitter, don’t you know?!”
Yeah. So bitter. Don’t you know?
On the bed, she stroked Cui Dong Dong’s neck. Her nails, painted a deep crimson, were like blades as they traced back and forth across Cui Dong Dong’s throat.
Cui Dong Dong looked slightly puzzled. “What? Does it hurt?”
“Deeper. You’re not there yet.”
“Like this?”
“Deeper… deeper… ah, ah! Right there. Kiss me, kiss—kiss lower… suck there. I want it, I want…”
Her legs wrapped tightly around Cui Dong Dong’s neck, then loosened again with a tremble. She stretched herself out across the blood-red quilt. The damp air was like shackles; her sweat-slick wrists twisted to reveal flushed-red skin, while her fingertips clawed at the side of the bed as though struggling free and yielding at the same time. The demon of desire was entering her body—damp and soft, licking at her sensitive places, laying her open, giving to her, seeing all of her.
Only that heart could not be seen—only that hollow, rotting, blood-soaked heart.
“Please let Xiao Man get better soon,” Cui Dong Dong prayed on her knees in Thai.
The Four-Faced Buddha smiled with closed eyes, gazing upon loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.
Xiao Luo knelt beside her without saying a word.
After they left the temple, Cui Dong Dong asked her, “What did you pray for just now?”
“I didn’t pray for anything this time.”
“Huh? Why?”
“You prayed so sincerely. I gave the chance to you. Let the god bless your wish instead.”
“Ai.” Cui Dong Dong sighed. “Let’s go. We’ll still go to that incense shop and buy the calming incense. Xiao Liu said Xiao Man’s depression is getting worse. He asked me to spend some time talking with her when I can.”
“Mm. Then go spend time with her.”
“Hah, like I’d believe you! If I really went, you’d smother me with a pillow in my sleep tonight! Besides, Xiao Man wouldn’t tell me what’s really on her mind anyway… Ai, I genuinely don’t understand what she’s so unhappy about.”
“I don’t understand either.”
Cui Dong Dong tightly clasped her hand, and the two of them slowly walked along the street amid the bustling crowds of tourists.
“Silly girl, you have to stay healthy and happy. I don’t want the day to come when I have to buy calming incense for you too.”
“Mm.”
The funeral hall was empty. Every available member of Xiao Qi Hall had gone out to hunt down the “traitor,” Xia Liu Yi. Cui Dong Dong stood beside the coffin for a long time with her head lowered. Xia Xiao Man’s body had been shattered in the fall and could only be temporarily covered with a white cloth.
Xiao Luo brought over her makeup kit. As usual, she was to restore the deceased’s appearance so she could be laid to rest peacefully. She gently lifted the white cloth. Xiao Man’s eyes stared at her, wide open and lifeless.
Xiao Luo’s hands trembled as she reached out to close Xiao Man’s eyes. After she brushed her hand over them once, those eyes still stared directly at her.
Xiao Luo’s heart lurched violently, and her legs went weak beneath her. She nearly collapsed to the floor. Cui Dong Dong hurried forward to catch her. Holding Xiao Luo with one arm, she gently stroked Xiao Man’s eyes with her other hand and said painfully, “Xiao Man, she never did anything to hurt you. Don’t blame her. Rest in peace. I’ll take good care of Xiao Liu for you and Azure Dragon. Whoever caused your deaths, we’ll cut him into a thousand pieces.”
When Cui Dong Dong moved her hand away, Xiao Man’s eyes had finally closed. Xiao Luo burst into uncontrollable sobs in her arms, crying out every tear on her behalf.
“Silly girl, stop crying. You’ve cried your makeup all over your face. You’re not a pretty girl anymore. Go put some makeup on Sister Xiao Man too. Let her leave looking beautiful.”
If only I had been the one who died.
Xiao Luo lowered her head, gazed quietly at Xia Xiao Man’s gravestone, and thought.
Her curse had come true. Even though she had long since stopped wishing for it and let the hatred go, it had still come true. All it brought her was endless guilty unease and remorse, Cui Dong Dong’s constant remembrance of Xiao Man, and the hatred that Cui Dong Dong and Xia Liu Yi could never put down, along with their unrelenting pursuit of the murderer.
If she had been the one who died, would she too have been able to smile so peacefully from her gravestone and remain forever smiling in Cui Dong Dong’s heart?
“Sister Xiao Luo. This is extremely risky. You need to think it through carefully,” said the serpent of Eden.
“There’s nothing to think about. I agree.”
“But you have to understand. My people can only meet you inside the secret passage after the villa ‘explodes.’ Until then, you’ll have to act entirely on your own. If something goes wrong…”
“Are you afraid of what might happen, A’San? You’re doing something this dangerous. Aren’t you afraid you’ll die?”
“I am. I’m terrified. I’m afraid I’ll die, afraid you’ll die, afraid Sister Dong Dong will die, afraid the others helping us will die, afraid Brother Liu Yi will die. I’m afraid of everything.”
“Then why are you still doing this?”
“There are always some things in this world that we can’t choose not to do just because we’re afraid.”
“Mm. I think so too.”
I know you like Xiao Man. You’re with me because my singing voice sounds like hers. I’m not as pretty as she is, I have a bad temper, and I never listen.
Silly girl. I like you. The person I like is you.
Mm. I think so too.
Fly Girls, End.