Today the weather is fine and sunny, spring is warm and flowers are blooming (isn’t it supposed to be autumn?), and on this ninth day of the seventh lunar month (huh? Isn’t this a Qixi theater? Why is it the ninth? Not the seventh or even the eighth?? Curious + confused)… how could such a lovely day and beautiful scenery possibly go to waste? (Wasn’t it just sunny with “spring” warmth and flowers blooming? How did it suddenly become a lovely night? Is this daytime or nighttime? Starry-eyed again.)
Ad-kun finally snapped. Eyes bulging, he slammed the table and roared, “Drag that damn Brackets-kun out and behead him! This is a perfectly good sports program. You can’t just turn it into One Hundred Thousand Whys!”
The staff dutifully grabbed Brackets-kun from both sides and swiftly threw him out the door. Ad-kun gave a deeply satisfied, mysterious smile, and everyone present shuddered one after another.
Backstage, getting ready to appear, Xiaoxue hid off to one side with only her head poking out from behind the curtain like a ghostly floating skull and asked weakly, “Why is it a sports program?”
Ad-kun, whose hearing had somehow reached legendary long-distance levels, slowly turned his head, slowly lifted the corner of his mouth, and smiled with exquisite restraint. “Oh, you little minx. Don’t play dumb with me~”
One orchid finger lifted. Xiaoxue immediately died on the spot and collapsed, twitching.
Before she had even finished dying, something leathery nudged her arm with a force that was neither hard nor remotely gentle. The blue-haired, blue-eyed king looked down at her impatiently. “Either get up so we can finish this quickly, or keep lying there and die.”
Because of where Xiaoxue’s “corpse” happened to be lying, the person who came to “check on her” revealed only a tuft of hair from behind the dark curtain in the corner, and that alone sent countless girls in the audience into screaming fits.
Xiaoxue (internally) [rolling her eyes]: Hey, hey, ladies, isn’t this a little much? It’s not like you’ve never seen a man before. Do you have to be this enthusiastic?
Certain Someone [utterly unmoved by the girls’ screaming and excitement]: Hmph. [Turns his head and walks away.]
Xiaoxue (continuing internal monologue) [still rolling her eyes]: See? You’re the ones who spoiled him rotten. He’s just a brat and he’s already this arrogant. Uh, fine, I have to admit he’s not exactly a “brat” anymore… and if we’re being painfully accurate… he might be just a tiny bit outrageously, heaven-defyingly, gods-and-humans-alike-offendingly handsome…
All the girls [moving in perfect unison, delivering a killing glare]: If you’re going to die, die somewhere else. You’re blocking the view!
Another Certain Someone said leisurely, “You’re human. I’m a god. Stop dragging your human worldview into everything just to get sympathy and agreement. I’m not angry, and I’m certainly not ‘offending gods and humans.’ Mind your wording.”
The girls in the audience had not even seen his face, but the moment they heard that warm yet magnetic voice, deep with a slight rasp, indifferent yet faintly distant, the entire place exploded. There were screams. There were cheers. There were starry eyes. There was also drool…
With the crowd thoroughly fired up, the production team instantly came alive. Camera crew in position. Lighting in position. Sound in position. Costume and styling… uh, too afraid to approach. The studio door slowly opened a crack, and the indestructible Brackets-kun crawled back in… Onstage, Ad-kun finally returned to business, raised the microphone, puffed out his chest, sucked in his stomach, lifted his chin, and assumed the air of a warrior marching to certain death. “Please welcome our disaster of a stepmother, Qing Moxue, serving as temporary host and bringing along her entire brood of sons for today’s variety program, ‘Qixi Shameless Mini-Theater’! Give them a round of applause!~”
Ad-kun dropped the microphone and generously performed a live demonstration of a person vanishing into thin air.
Xiaoxue struggled upright with a mixture of crawling and scrambling, steadfastly embodying the fearless spirit of enduring hardship, pressing forward, and selflessly sacrificing herself for the cause. With Ji Ye, who had been forcibly dressed in women’s clothing, tucked into her arms, she made her way to center stage to the sound of the audience munching popcorn.
Xiaoxue [smiling like a flower in full bloom]: Darlings~ If you don’t give me a proper welcome and applaud, do you believe I’ll start writing thunderbolt endings? For example, I could write a fourth volume of Gods and Demons where Rong Ye suddenly falls in love with some random passerby–
Before Xiaoxue could finish, thunderous applause erupted from the audience. Xiaoxue’s face twitched.
Xiaoxue [rebuilding the realm so it may be ravaged again]: Thank you, brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles, and fellow villagers, for taking time out of your busy schedules to attend the recording of our “Qixi Mini-Theater.” This program is specially sponsored by the Screw-You-Over Collection. Scum gongs, scum shous, tormenting the body and tormenting the heart, we’re absolutely top-tier! Feeling empty and craving some abuse? Look no further than the Screw-You-Over Collection.
Xiaoxue [throwing away the ad copy she had been stumbling through and meeting the tiny, desperate gazes of the girls already teetering on the brink of collapse]: All right, enough nonsense. I know everyone has been waiting, so let’s get to the point. Please welcome today’s stars, the main illicit entanglements… ah, no, cast members… from the Gods and Demons series and the Court Affairs series! They are…
Xiaoxue [pumped with chicken blood]: Demon Sovereign, Ling Xu!
Gorgeous lights flooded the stage, the music started, the audience thundered with applause, screams rang out, and drool practically became a river.
…Five seconds passed… The stage was empty…
…Ten seconds passed… The stage remained empty…
…A crow flew by… The stage persisted, nobly and without complaint, in being empty…
Bananas, eggs, and rotten vegetables suddenly came flying from every direction with a magnificent series of splats…
Xiaoxue [dodging]: Hehe, Demon Sovereign must be shy because it’s been so long since he last appeared in public. [Corner of mouth twitching.] Let us once again welcome Demon Sovereign Ling Xu with our warmest applause~! [Forcing a smile.]
…A crow flew past before ten seconds had even elapsed…
Xiaoxue [stiffening into stone, abandoning hope and deciding to let the whole thing burn]: It seems Demon Sovereign is a little busy. Why don’t we invite our next guest, Seventh Angel Rong Ye, to come onstage… [Weak and lifeless.]
…Five seconds passed… Xiaoxue disintegrated into dust and blew away in the wind…
The audience slumped in despair, having completely given up hope.
Xiaoxue [still twitching]: Hehe, it looks like Seventh Angel Rong Ye has also been rather…
Thunderous applause suddenly erupted. The producer transformed into Spider-Man and clung to the ceiling to stop the roof from being blasted away. Xiaoxue, who had already prepared her excuse and was ready to recite it mechanically, instead demonstrated the highly undignified expression of someone trying to swallow an egg whole.
Seventh Angel Rong Ye appeared in flowing pale-blue robes, his ten wings folded away, walking at a leisurely, steady (?) pace. Beside him came an enormous “pet.” (Are you sure the Demon Sovereign counts as a pet…?)
Xiaoxue [instantly resurrected]: Ahem! Hey, you over there, wipe your drool. It’s sticking to the floor!
An aluminum can flew at her. Direct hit. Bingo.
Xiaoxue [wiping the drink off her face]: Damn it! At least throw an empty one! [Instantly transforming into a gentle and virtuous lady.] Let us continue by welcoming our next guest, Elf King Liao Feng~ (Aggrieved: Why am I calling him “Your Excellency” when he’s obviously my son? Why am I this humble… Everyone: Your position in the family is obvious. ┐(￣▽￣)┌ Xiaoxue: Are you sure I even belong to this family?… Huh? Why am I tearing down my own stage…)
…A crow flew past immediately… The audience showed no reaction whatsoever. Those playing on their phones kept playing, those eating chips kept eating, and the one-person-plus-one-“pet” combination continued being disgustingly lovey-dovey…
Xiaoxue muttered inwardly: Why does this situation feel weirdly familiar…
Xiaoxue [testing the waters]: Please welcome Elf Attendant Bai Yu?
The audience erupted in cheers and deafening applause. (Hey, I’ve barely dug a pit and tossed out a synopsis. Are you sure they’re already this popular?) Onstage, true to tradition, he arrived dragging the whole family along.
Xiaoxue [helpless]: Could you leave us a little suspense instead of publicly entering in pairs like this…
Liao Feng [giving her a sidelong glance]: You were the one who decided the CP. What, are you planning to let it end unfinished with a BE? [Xiaoxue merely opens her mouth but has not yet made a sound.] Go on. Say yes. I dare you~
Xiaoxue: [Shivering. Shivering.]
The audience suddenly erupted in thunderous applause. Xiaoxue looked up in astonishment, then instantly began jumping in outrage.