Question 26: What would you prepare for the other person’s birthday?
Feng Xuanyi [smiling disdainfully]: Let the whole realm celebrate. And I’ve already done exactly that.
Nalan Xuan: I’ve never needed to worry about his birthday. The Ministry of Rites handles all the preparations.
Xiaoxue [awkwardly]: Uh, I mean, what would you do for him? Not what other people would do for him…
Nalan Xuan [as if it were obvious]: Exactly. If I personally had to manage the birthday celebrations for the ruler of an entire nation, then what is the Minister of Rites there for? If he draws a state salary but does no work, we might as well have him beheaded.
Feng Xuanyi: All right. Whatever my beloved consort says.
The innocent Minister of Rites [bursting into tears]: Your Majesty, please see clearly! This minister has been wronged! T_T
Xiaoxue [fidgeting with her fingers]: Actually… has anyone noticed… apart from being incredibly good at scheming, this couple has absolutely no sense of everyday romance? o(┘□└)o
Question 27: Which of you confessed first?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [in unison]: Me.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o So this is secretly a sweet story about two people mutually in love…?
Everyone: Bullshit!!
Feng Xuanyi: Me.
Nalan Xuan: I don’t remember.
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue: Then how do you know you were the one who confessed first?
Nalan Xuan [decisive and perfectly righteous]: He may have been the one who said those three words first, but I was definitely the first one to realize I had feelings.
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||) Didn’t you just say you don’t remember…?
Nalan Xuan [completely unconcerned]: I don’t.
Feng Xuanyi: …
Everyone: (-_-|||)
Xiaoxue: ┐(┘▽└)┌ Is this the legendary selective amnesia? o(┘□└)o
Question 28: How much do you like the other person?
Feng Xuanyi [tightening his arms around his beloved]: … [Only smiles without answering.]
Nalan Xuan [looking proud]: We’ve done everything there is to do, and I even gave birth to his child. How much do you think I like him?
Xiaoxue: I’m not the one who wanted to ask! T_T
Question 29: Then, do you love the other person?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [both shooting her a cold look]: …
Xiaoxue [with nowhere to plead her innocence]: I know, I know, I’m asking something obvious again! But that’s what the script says! What am I supposed to do? I’m just following the procedure and asking the questions, sob, sob…
Director [checking the lights with a toothpick dangling from his mouth]: What beautiful weather we’re having today…
Question 30: What can the other person say that leaves you completely helpless?
Feng Xuanyi: …Yi Hua.
Xiaoxue [shocked]: Just hearing him call your name leaves you helpless? Your self-control is way too weak!
Feng Xuanyi: What does it have to do with you?
Xiaoxue: …Yes… nothing to do with me. Sob, sob…
Nalan Xuan: Huh? Is that so, Yi Hua? [Eyes sparkling.]
Feng Xuanyi [pressing his lips together]: …
Nalan Xuan: Yi Hua~ Why are you ignoring me?
Feng Xuanyi [frowning]: …
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Huh? Didn’t he say that was the one thing he couldn’t resist? He looks pretty resistant right now. Next time a married couple comes on the Hundred Questions, I think we need to hook them up to a lie detector first!
Nalan Xuan [refusing to give up]: Yi Hua~ Yi Hua…
Feng Xuanyi [standing bolt upright, hoisting him straight over his shoulder, and leaving everyone with a thoroughly suggestive view of his back]: Early intermission!
Everyone: …
Director: !
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o
Thirty seconds of silence…
One minute later, a certain suspicious commotion could faintly be heard in the air…
Xiaoxue [signaling frantically to the director with her eyes]: Um… Director? Is the backstage area of this studio perhaps… not very well soundproofed?
Director [wiping his drool and gesticulating wildly at the sound engineer]: Put on “Fahai, You Don’t Understand Love”! [Throws down the script and charges backstage.]
Shadows began gathering along the curtain separating the stage from backstage.
Xiaoxue [crossing her right leg over her left and lifting one delicate finger]: Idiots. If you’re going to eavesdrop, do you really need to go as a group?… Wait, that’s not right. We still don’t know what Feng Xuanyi can say that leaves Nalan Xuan helpless! Aaaah! [Losing her mind.]
Question 31: If you suspected the other person of having a change of heart, what would you do?
The entire studio erupted in thunderous applause.
Xiaoxue [moved to tears]: Thank you, everyone, for welcoming our selfish but loving guests back with such enthusiastic applause.
Nalan Xuan was still sitting on Feng Xuanyi’s lap, except his eyes looked watery, his face was flushed, and his brilliant red lips were slightly parted. His posture was not quite normal either. Rather than sitting, he seemed almost to be leaning bonelessly against Feng Xuanyi’s chest. Feng Xuanyi, meanwhile, wore an inscrutable smile, eyes half narrowed and thin lips faintly curved.
The camera zoomed in on Feng Xuanyi’s hand resting at Nalan Xuan’s waist. The cameraman waved at the director, and the director immediately looked as though someone had injected him with pure adrenaline as he gestured madly at Xiaoxue.
Xiaoxue: Um, off-topic for a second. Let me make this clear in advance, I’m only the messenger… That hand resting there is one thing, but why does it have to be inside his clothes… and, um, what exactly is it doing? Moving?
Feng Xuanyi [raising a brow and looking down at her]: …
Xiaoxue [looking miserable]: I already said I’m not the one who wants to know! [Points toward the audience.] They put me up to it!
Feng Xuanyi [letting his gaze sweep across the audience]: …
Everyone [lowering their heads and suddenly finding themselves extremely busy]: What beautiful weather we’re having today, la la la la la.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o I’m still sick! You people are so cruel to me! T_T
Director [roaring like a lion]: Stop wasting time! Film isn’t free! Get to the question!
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Why am I always the one who gets hurt? T_T So, who wants to answer this one first…?
Cameraman [naturally turning the lens toward the very energetic Feng Xuanyi, because the one in his arms does not seem particularly inclined to speak o(┘□└)o].
Nalan Xuan [face flushed, breathing uneven, but! still dropping a bombshell]: He’s allowed to have a change of heart, so why wouldn’t I be? If he can find someone else, why can’t I have a new lover?
Feng Xuanyi [arms tightening, expression turning cold]: …
Nalan Xuan [smiling gently].
Xiaoxue [fanning the flames]: You haven’t changed your mind now, so why are you so worried about him putting a green hat on you? Or have you already prepared yourself to cheat but never prepared yourself to be cheated on?
Feng Xuanyi [cold smile]: We suddenly feel you have occupied that hosting position for far too long.
Xiaoxue [trembling]: Mercy, Your Majesty! T_T Can we change the subject…?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue [giving up on survival altogether]: Then what’s your answer to the question? [Comrades, remember to collect my corpse later! T_T]
Feng Xuanyi [dark and vicious]: First I’d kill the adulterer. Then I’d tie him to the bed, do this, then that, then that and this, and he could forget about leaving the bed for the rest of his life.
Nalan Xuan [utterly fearless]: … [Smiles gently.]
Xiaoxue: Why is there only an adulterous man and no adulterous woman? He is a man, after all~
Feng Xuanyi [cold snort]: Guards, come here.
Xiaoxue [panicking]: Let’s hurry into the next question! T_T [Do you people have any idea how hard my life is? T_T]
Question 32: Could you forgive the other person for having a change of heart?
Feng Xuanyi [smiling disdainfully]: …
Nalan Xuan [smiling sweetly]: …
Xiaoxue [T_T]: Let’s just go straight to the next question… [Apparently only these two could ever be paired together. The ruthless duo strikes again. o(┘□└)o]
Question 33: What would you do if the other person were more than an hour late for a date?
Nalan Xuan [confused]: An hour? Is that a long time?
Xiaoxue: Uh, fine. I should have asked about half a shichen…
Feng Xuanyi: Half a shichen? That’s perfectly normal. A sedan chair isn’t as fast as a horse. It may be more comfortable, but it’s slower, and he naturally has to travel by sedan.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o What is a generation gap?! This is a generation gap!!! You people are impossible! T_T
Question 34: Which part of the other person’s body do you like best?
Feng Xuanyi: I like every part of him.
Nalan Xuan: Me too.
Xiaoxue: I have never seen such a… uh, such an open-minded shou. o(┘□└)o
Question 35: What expression does the other person make that you find sexy?
Feng Xuanyi: The way he looks when he’s beneath me, breathless.
Xiaoxue: Did we just become adults-only in one second…?
Nalan Xuan: The way he looks when he can’t take it anymore while he’s inside me.
Xiaoxue: Damn it! You two shameless things! Even I, the host, am embarrassed, yet you can still cling to each other and say this as though it’s perfectly reasonable!!
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [smiling]: Does anyone here object?
Xiaoxue: This humble commoner would never dare. Sob, sob…
Question 36: When you’re together, what moment makes your heart race the most?
Feng Xuanyi [thoughtfully]: When he woke after taking Soulfall for the second time. [A little bitterness, a little relief, a little melancholy, a little helplessness.]
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Huh? Are we suddenly taking the sentimental route again?
Nalan Xuan [raising a brow, half smiling]: Am I only capable of making your heart race at that one moment?
Feng Xuanyi: Of course not. As long as you’re beside me, my heart is racing every moment.
Xiaoxue [pretending to vomit]: Director, please give me a basin… [Sudden inspiration.] Why do I get the feeling someone is deliberately changing the subject? [Grins.] Speaking of which, how would Empress Yu answer this question~?
Nalan Xuan: Yi Hua already gave the answer.
Xiaoxue: That was his answer. You still haven’t said anything.
Nalan Xuan: I already did.
Xiaoxue: What did you say?… Huh? Could this situation actually be interpreted as… embarrassment!!!
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue [drooling].
Nalan Xuan: You can move on to the next question now.
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Why do I have the feeling I still can’t figure out what exactly embarrasses him? o(┘□└)o
Question 37: Have you ever lied to the other person? Are you good at lying?
Feng Xuanyi: …Yes.
Nalan Xuan: Yes.
Xiaoxue: So honest. [Shocked!!] Then are you good at lying?
Feng Xuanyi: Very.
Nalan Xuan: Of course. I’m thoroughly practiced.
Xiaoxue: …Isn’t this normally the sort of question that becomes terribly sensitive, starts a domestic dispute, and conveniently leads to a whole scene of discipline and passion? [Pulls out tissues and wipes her sweat.]
Nalan Xuan: You’re thinking too much. If there were not even a single deception between the two of us, that would be strange.
Feng Xuanyi: How do you distinguish truth from lies? What standard do you use? How do you know the truth you insist upon isn’t a lie, or that what you call a lie isn’t truth?
Xiaoxue: That was unexpectedly profound, darling. No wonder you’re the emperor. T_T
Question 38: What are you doing when you feel happiest?
Nalan Xuan [shooting her a look]: Didn’t the wording of the question already answer itself? What are you asking for?
Xiaoxue: What did the question answer?
Nalan Xuan [as though it were obvious]: It asks what you do to feel happy. Sexual happiness is obviously something you do. What else is there to answer?
Xiaoxue: Can somebody explain his thought process to me? I don’t remember setting him up as a shamelessly horny shou! T_T
Nalan Xuan [lifting his chin]: But you didn’t set me up as shy and bashful either. This is called seeking truth from facts. Yi Hua likes this about me~
Xiaoxue [quietly]: I seem to remember that a very, very long time ago, you two said the thing you liked most about each other was… hypocrisy and ruthlessness…
Nalan Xuan: Did we? My memory hasn’t been very good lately. I’ve forgotten a lot of the past. Sorry.
Xiaoxue: Does that really count as an excuse? T_T [Changes target.] Then what is Emperor Huawu’s answer?!
Feng Xuanyi: Do you think that sort of thing can be accomplished by one person alone?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o They really are completely in sync now. So I’m the only tragedy here…?
Question 39: Have you ever quarreled?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [in unison]: No.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Why do I not believe that at all?! [Turns toward the audience.] Do you people believe them?
Everyone shook their heads.
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan smiled and glanced sideways at them.
The entire audience was suppressed.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o You people have absolutely no loyalty…
Question 40: What do you usually quarrel about?
Feng Xuanyi: We already said that we do not quarrel.
Nalan Xuan nodded in agreement.
Xiaoxue: T_T
Question 41: How do you make up afterward?
Xiaoxue: I know. This question is pointless…
Question 42: If you were reincarnated, would you still want to be lovers?
Feng Xuanyi: Of course.
Nalan Xuan: …If there is another reincarnation.
Feng Xuanyi: There will be.
Xiaoxue [moved]: This is the first question where you have finally shown even the tiniest bit of the delicate sensitivity expected of a shou.
Question 43: When do you feel loved?
Feng Xuanyi: We have always loved each other.
Nalan Xuan: Yes.
Xiaoxue: …I finally understand what shamelessness means, and what it means to lie with your eyes wide open. You two really do understand your own attributes perfectly. Hypocritical, so hypocritical. Pretentious, so pretentious…
Feng Xuanyi [glancing over mildly].
Xiaoxue [dropping to the floor in surrender]: Let’s move on to the next question. T_T
Question 44: How do you express your love?
Feng Xuanyi: I give him everything he wants.
Nalan Xuan: I repay every grievance, no matter how small.
Xiaoxue [trembling]: …Why do I suddenly think “ruthless” should describe Empress Yu rather than Emperor Huawu? T_T Seriously, it’s a miracle the two of you ever made it this far.
Nalan Xuan: What would a little girl like you understand? If you don’t completely untangle the knots in your heart, how can you open yourself up and accept someone again without resentment? Do you really think saying you don’t care means you truly don’t care? Do you think saying you don’t mind means you genuinely don’t mind? I’m no saint. Anyone who owes me something will repay it in full. Anything else can only be discussed once every debt and grievance has been settled.
Xiaoxue: …So your ruthlessness isn’t only toward other people. You’re ruthless toward yourself too! Damn it, that’s practically a tendency toward self-torment!
Nalan Xuan: Drag her out and behead her.
Xiaoxue: !!!
Question 45: When would you think, “He doesn’t love me anymore”?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [in unison]: Never.
Xiaoxue: …T_T You bunch of liars…
Question 46: What flower do you think suits the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: Blood-red hibiscus.
Nalan Xuan: Calendula.
Xiaoxue: Why?
Feng Xuanyi: He looked beautiful standing in a sea of hibiscus flowers.
Nalan Xuan: In flower language, calendula represents endurance. It suits the way he endured and accumulated strength for so many years before finally breaking through.
Xiaoxue [eyes gleaming dangerously]: So you really were paying attention to him for a very long time, weren’t you?
Feng Xuanyi [eyes blazing, visibly excited]: …
Nalan Xuan [blinking and yawning]: I forgot.
Xiaoxue: … [Stabbing a little voodoo doll! Stabbing a little voodoo doll!]
Question 47: Are there things you hide from each other?
Feng Xuanyi: …No.
Nalan Xuan: Not anymore.
Xiaoxue: Huh? Your answers don’t match this time. You couldn’t even coordinate your perfunctory response. “Not anymore” means there used to be things you hid from each other…
Nalan Xuan: I forgot.
Xiaoxue: … [Maybe I really shouldn’t have given him amnesia. o(┘□└)o Why does he use that excuse to brush me off every single time? T_T]
Question 48: Where does your inferiority complex come from?
Nalan Xuan [raising a brow]: Inferiority? Why would I feel inferior? I’d actually like to see whether there is any person, matter, or thing in this world capable of making me feel that way.
Xiaoxue [internally]: Damn it. Where does this heaven-defying confidence come from?!
Feng Xuanyi [proudly]: Everything beneath heaven belongs to Us. If even We suffered from an inferiority complex, shouldn’t every person in the realm and every subject of Our dynasty simply kill themselves?
Xiaoxue: …I was wrong. The existence of this question was itself a mistake. T_T
Question 49: Is your relationship public or secret?
Feng Xuanyi: It has been proclaimed to the realm. Everyone knows.
Nalan Xuan [smiling]: Mm-hm.
Xiaoxue: Has anyone ever told you that you have a real talent for being tsundere…?
Question 50: Do you think your love for each other can last forever?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [smiling at each other]: Of course.
Xiaoxue [wiping her sweat]: This day has been so difficult. T_T The first half is finally over…
Feng Xuanyi: Then can we go rest now?
Xiaoxue: Of course, of course~
Feng Xuanyi: Guard VIP Room 1. Anyone who comes near is to be killed without mercy!
Seven men in black suits suddenly appeared from nowhere. Feng Xuanyi scooped Nalan Xuan into his arms and headed straight backstage.
A certain cameraman tried to risk his life for the cause, only to be stopped when Xuan Guang stretched an arm across his path.
Xuan Guang: Anyone who approaches, dies.
Everyone shrank back.
Xiaoxue: If you’re in such a hurry to get busy, you could at least try not to make it so obvious. ┐(┘▽└)┌
Then we’ll take our intermission here. See you in the second half! \(^o^)/~