With her cold finally improving, Xiaoxue abandoned the box of tissues, tucked Ji Ye into her arms, and bounced energetically onto the stage.
Xiaoxue: Roar, roar… here we go, here we go… The second half of “Couple’s 100 Questions: Yi-Xuan Edition” begins now! The questions in this half are a little more, um, that kind, but I’m guessing everyone will be much more interested. Pfft~ So then… [Sits down with the elegant composure of a refined lady.] Let the questioning begin!
Question 51: Are you the gong or the shou?
Feng Xuanyi [smiling]: Gong.
Nalan Xuan [blinking]: Shou.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o What an astonishingly honest shou… Such a direct answer right out of the gate. Hopefully this means you’re going to cooperate today. What a promising sign! ┐(┘▽└)┌
Nalan Xuan: Is there a third answer?
Xiaoxue [eyes gleaming]: Versatile!!
Nalan Xuan: Oh. [Turns to look at Feng Xuanyi.] How about a threesome next time? You had so many consorts. Maybe group activities are already an everyday occurrence for you.
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue: Why do I get the feeling you know an awful lot about this? Did the ancient books teach you too?
Nalan Xuan [raising one finger and wagging it]: As the Buddha says, it must not be spoken.
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||) Forgive me for meddling, but for the sake of our poor red blood cells, I have to ask one thing. Are the two of you planning to maintain this stacked, sitting-in-each-other’s-arms pose for the entire interview?
Feng Xuanyi [cold smile]: Do you object?
Xiaoxue: Nope… Next question. T_T
Question 52: Why did you decide on those roles?
Nalan Xuan [trying hard to remember]: By the time I noticed, I was already on the bottom.
Feng Xuanyi [raising a brow]: And how would you like to decide?
Xiaoxue [looking miserable]: I don’t dare imagine. T_T [Why am I being threatened as soon as we start? Sob, sob…]
Feng Xuanyi: This is already the second question. It hardly counts as “as soon as we start.”
Xiaoxue: !!! You can read minds?!
Feng Xuanyi [smiling contemptuously]: Hmph.
Xiaoxue: …Don’t tell me that’s one of the special abilities that comes with being emperor…
Nalan Xuan: Mm-hm.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Director, did these two eat something strange before they came onstage…?
Director [hearts in his eyes]: …
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o
Everyone [hearts in their eyes]: …
Question 53: Are you satisfied with the current arrangement?
Feng Xuanyi [licking his lips]: Of course.
Nalan Xuan [innocently]: Why wouldn’t I be? It feels pretty good.
Xiaoxue: You really are honest… Are you sure you’re still the hypocritical, pretentious Nalan Xuan Feng Xuanyi likes?
Nalan Xuan: I forgot what happened before. If you want to know whether he still likes me, ask him directly.
Feng Xuanyi: I don’t like him.
Xiaoxue: !!!
Nalan Xuan [smiling gently, expression unchanged]: …
Feng Xuanyi: I love him.
Their eyes met, and their lips followed…
Xiaoxue [leaping in front of the camera and crossing both arms into a giant X]: Not suitable for minors! Filming prohibited!
A bottle of mineral water came flying from the director and hit Xiaoxue squarely on the head with a loud clonk.
Director [hands on hips, shouting like a fishwife]: Damn it! This script is already eighteen-plus! Anyone who can watch this isn’t a minor anymore! Get out of the way!
By the time the obstruction finally collapsed to the ground, everyone could at last see that the live performers had already finished kissing and were calmly chatting among themselves.
Question 54: Where was your first time?
Feng Xuanyi: My bedchamber at Prince Rong’s Residence.
Nalan Xuan: Mm.
Xiaoxue [suspiciously]: Darling, remember that you have amnesia. Your first time should technically have been three years after Emperor Huawu…
Nalan Xuan: Amnesia doesn’t mean I lost my brain. That kind of thing takes two people. He already said it was with me, so who else would I have been with?
Xiaoxue: But the question never said it had to be the first time between the two of you… Other people count too. [Scratches her head and mutters.] If, um, anything from before Empress Yu counts… ┐(┘▽└)┌
Nalan Xuan: …
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue [confused]: Why the hell are you suddenly silent now?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [in unison]: I don’t remember.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Do those two “I don’t remember” answers even mean the same thing? Why does this feel so perfunctory…?
Nalan Xuan [blinking with innocent eyes]: I genuinely don’t remember. Aren’t you the one who wrote it that way?
Xiaoxue: T_T
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue: Then what’s your excuse? Were there simply too many? Uh, fine, I’ll shut up. Next question. o(┘□└)o
Question 55: How did it feel at the time?
Feng Xuanyi [face darkening]: …
Nalan Xuan [smiling]: …
Xiaoxue [nervous and flustered]: I mean, what did your first time together feel like? T_T
Feng Xuanyi [expression easing slightly]: … [Savours the memory and licks his lips.] Delicious.
Nalan Xuan [staring directly at Feng Xuanyi, utterly decisive]: Very comfortable.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Little Ye-Ye, hurry over here and teach little Xuan-Xuan what a shou’s modesty is supposed to look like!
Rong Ye: …Xu, kill her.
Ling Xu [giving him a tender kiss]: All right. [Draws his sword.]
Xiaoxue [screaming like a pig being slaughtered]: Damn it!! Heaven above!! This is what they mean by getting a wife and forgetting your mother! Sob, sob!
The scene descended into chaos. After the proverbial chickens flew and eggs broke, one crow crossed the sky… then another crow flew past… then a third…
Xiaoxue [face streaked with tears, hair like a bird’s nest]: [Sniff.] An unfilial adopted son. T_T
The Demon Sovereign arrived with the God of War in his arms to a chorus of envious gasps, then departed at a leisurely pace amid another round of screams…
Xiaoxue [roughly smoothing her hair]: I just want to know, if you don’t remember any of it, how do you know whether it felt good or not? T_T
Nalan Xuan [looking at her disdainfully]: If it felt bad, why would I still be with him?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Is this supposed to be a logic problem now…?
Question 56: What did the other person look like at the time?
Feng Xuanyi [cold smile]: …
Xiaoxue [trembling]: …I understand. You really don’t need to say that sentence a third time. T_T [Looks toward Nalan Xuan.]
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue: Fine. I knew this would be the result…
Question 57: What were your first words the morning after your first night together?
Feng Xuanyi [smiling wickedly]: …
Nalan Xuan [both embarrassed and furious]: …
Xiaoxue: ?
Feng Xuanyi [licking his lips]: …
Nalan Xuan [grinding his teeth]: …
Xiaoxue: ??… Oh… Question for the audience, does everyone understand? “…” means they didn’t say anything. But why didn’t they say anything? Scenario one: they went so hard the night before that they couldn’t get up the next morning. Scenario two: they went all night and were still going in the morning, so~ no strength left to speak. ┐(┘▽└)┌ Judging from the second “…” we can conclude it was scenario two. Question complete! ┐(┘▽└)┌
Question 58: How many times a week do you have sex?
Feng Xuanyi: What is a “week”?
Nalan Xuan [utterly ignorant]: Can you eat it?
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||) Child, acting cute is shameful…
Nalan Xuan: ?
Xiaoxue: Fine. Put simply, just tell me how many times you do it every seven days… [My dignity is scattered all over the floor. T_T]
Nalan Xuan: Why would we count it in blocks of seven days?
Xiaoxue: …
Feng Xuanyi: We are the emperor, sovereign of an entire realm.
Xiaoxue: …? That’s it? That’s your answer?
No one acknowledged her.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o So this means someone is summoned to serve in bed every single night…? What a busy life… Apparently emperors aren’t exhausted by state affairs. They die from draining themselves dry instead…
Feng Xuanyi [shoots her a razor-sharp look].
Xiaoxue: …Fine. I’ll shut up…
Question 59: Ideally, how many times per week would you like?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue: Fine. Was this question completely redundant? We’ve already established the “every night” schedule. o(┘□└)o
Question 60: Then what kind of sex do you have?
Nalan Xuan [curiously]: There are different kinds?
Xiaoxue [excited]: Of course! For example, do you have any special requests when you do it? Any little props or toys? [Practically bouncing with excitement.]
Feng Xuanyi: …
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue [fired up]: So, the answer?!
Feng Xuanyi: Xuan Guang.
With a metallic sound, cold light flashed and a blade appeared.
Xiaoxue: !!! NEXT QUESTION!!! [Damn it. When I write my next son, I am definitely choosing someone with no identity, no status, and especially no background. At least then my life won’t constantly be in danger! T_T]
Question 61: Where are you most sensitive?
Feng Xuanyi: You don’t need to know.
Nalan Xuan: He won’t let me say.
Xiaoxue: What a perfect example of the husband singing and the “wife” following…
Question 62: Where is the other person most sensitive?
Feng Xuanyi [cold smile]: Does this question serve any purpose?
Xiaoxue [looking miserable]: …Please, this was originally supposed to test how well you understand each other. Instead… [Muttering.] It has been completely suppressed by your tyrannical authority. o(┘□└)o
Question 63: Describe the other person during sex in one sentence.
Feng Xuanyi: Beautiful.
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue [curiously]: Aren’t you supposed to use his answer to infer your own?
Feng Xuanyi [licking his lips]: He doesn’t have time to look. How is he supposed to describe me now?
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue [grinning wickedly]: Oho~ Oho~
Question 64: Be honest. Do you like sex?
Feng Xuanyi [thoughtfully]: That depends who it’s with. [Looks down at Nalan Xuan.]
Xiaoxue: Oh? Prince Rong, who has sampled countless women and men, is actually picky?
Feng Xuanyi [raising a brow]: …
Xiaoxue: … [Silences herself.]
Nalan Xuan: I like it.
Xiaoxue: …So straightforward. Isn’t your personality supposed to be rather awkward and contrary…?
Nalan Xuan: Haven’t we already wrapped filming?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o But, but! Isn’t it supposed to hurt for the shou…?
Feng Xuanyi [arrogantly]: Only if the gong’s technique is poor.
Nalan Xuan & Xiaoxue: … [Silence.]
Xiaoxue [glancing at Nalan Xuan and muttering]: It’s rare for you and me to stand on the same side.
Question 65: Where do you usually have sex?
Feng Xuanyi: The bedchamber.
Xiaoxue: A bedchamber is huge. Be more specific. [Eyebrows dancing.]
Nalan Xuan: Other than the bed, where exactly do you expect us to do it?
Xiaoxue [looking at him sympathetically]: I never expected you to be so boring. ┐(┘▽└)┌
Nalan Xuan: We call it maintaining a regular, healthy daily routine.
Xiaoxue: And that’s why you do it every night…?
Feng Xuanyi: It is one manifestation of a regular lifestyle.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o
Question 66: Where would you like to try having sex?
Nalan Xuan: Never thought about it.
Feng Xuanyi: On horseback.
Xiaoxue [eyes lighting up]: Now that is an idea!
Nalan Xuan: !!
Feng Xuanyi [thoughtfully]: Eighth Brother said it feels rather good.
Xiaoxue: Absolutely! The important part is that it saves the gong a lot of effort.
Nalan Xuan: …
Feng Xuanyi: Oh, I don’t care about that.
Xiaoxue: But wouldn’t you like to do it a few more times?
Nalan Xuan: …
Feng Xuanyi [eyes lighting up]: Now that is an idea. We will trouble our beloved subject to put it into writing.
Xiaoxue [springing to her feet]: No problem at all!
Nalan Xuan: …Are you two pretending I’m dead…?
Feng Xuanyi [soothing him].
Xiaoxue: !! L-little Xuan-Xuan! [Smiles ingratiatingly.] Please don’t act rashly. You absolutely must handle that precious thing in your hands very gently. T_T [Ji Ye, my son, how did you end up in his hands? Sob, sob…]
Nalan Xuan [cold smile]: What do you think? Should I leave him out in the blazing sun or roast him over a fire?
Xiaoxue: [o(┘□└)o So brutal.] Please calm down! Don’t do anything rash! [Smiles desperately.] We were only talking, that’s all. Just indulging in a little fantasy. I haven’t actually written it, hehe…
Nalan Xuan [raising a brow]: Is that so?
Xiaoxue [nodding like a chicken pecking rice]: Yes, yes! Absolutely!
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue [tentatively]: Can we move on to the next question now?
Question 67: Do you bathe before sex or afterward?
Feng Xuanyi: Both.
Nalan Xuan [lowering his head]: … [Says nothing.]
Xiaoxue [internally]: Excuse me, shouldn’t I be the one sulking? T_T
Question 68: Do you have any rules or agreements during sex?
Nalan Xuan: Why would we need rules? When it feels right, we do it.
Feng Xuanyi: … [Smiles without answering.]
Xiaoxue: I think I need to completely reassess my understanding of you. For example, “domineering shou”…
Nalan Xuan [smiling enchantingly]: Whatever you like.
Xiaoxue: …
Question 69: Have you ever had sex with anyone other than your current lover?
Nalan Xuan: No.
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue [grinning wickedly]: Not only have you, there were too many to count, right?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Nalan Xuan [cold smile]: …
Xiaoxue [excited]: Little Xuan-Xuan! This far into the program and you’ve finally shown the tiniest bit of the real Nalan Xuan! Good job! Keep it going!!
Feng Xuanyi: …Not anymore. I dissolved the harem. Now there is only you. In the future there will still only be you. You are my one and only empress.
Nalan Xuan [continuing to smile coldly]: …
Xiaoxue [quietly]: …Um, actually, you can stop now. He already backed down… [Damn it, why is it that when both of them are wearing cold expressions, Nalan Xuan somehow feels even more terrifying than Feng Xuanyi?]
Nalan Xuan: Because I don’t even let myself off, much less anyone else.
Xiaoxue [looking miserable]: …Damn it, another mind reader. T_T This married couple has both cultivated themselves into spirits. Sob, sob…
Question 70: Do you agree or disagree with the idea, “If I can’t have the heart, at least I’ll have the body”?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [in unison]: Agree.
Xiaoxue: !!… You two really are perfectly suited to become the most compatible outwardly harmonious but inwardly estranged husbands ever… Um… may I ask why?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [again in unison]: The body is only the first step. The heart?! [Contemptuous smile.] Hmph. If I want it, there is nothing I cannot obtain.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o That heaven-defying confidence… How did the two of you become this shameless? I’m embarrassed on your behalf. [Covers face.]
Question 71: If the other person were raped by an attacker, what would you do?
Nalan Xuan: Who would dare?
Xiaoxue: …For example, you…
Nalan Xuan: I’m not interested in doing that to him.
Xiaoxue: !
Feng Xuanyi: ?
Nalan Xuan: I have no interest in topping him.
Xiaoxue: …So you mean you’d rather be topped? You hopeless son… Don’t you know that a shou who never dreams of counterattacking isn’t a proper shou?
Nalan Xuan [proudly]: A brainless shou who thinks only about counterattacking would never understand the meaning of overestimating himself.
Xiaoxue: …His self-awareness is astonishingly high…
Nalan Xuan: Mm-hm.
Xiaoxue: Then what about Emperor Huawu?
Feng Xuanyi [cold smile]: Who would dare?
Xiaoxue [flipping the table]: Didn’t I already say it’s hypothetical?! If! Suppose!
Feng Xuanyi: That is precisely why We asked, who, would, dare?
Xiaoxue [coughing blood]: …Impossible to communicate with…
Question 72: Do you feel embarrassed before sex or afterward?
Nalan Xuan: There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
Xiaoxue: …Darling, you’re being shamelessly brazen now.
Nalan Xuan: We’re already completely open with each other. Sex is going to happen sooner or later, so what is there to be embarrassed about? What do I have that he doesn’t?
Xiaoxue: …At least he can’t give birth…
Nalan Xuan [cold smile]: I meant externally.
Xiaoxue [suddenly inspired and righteous]: Then why did you blush that morning just from seeing a few kiss marks? What exactly were you embarrassed about?
Nalan Xuan: Sorry. I forgot.
Xiaoxue [clenching a fist]: Next time I am absolutely not giving the protagonist amnesia! Damn it, it makes avoiding the important questions way too easy…
Everyone: We haven’t even complained yet, and you, the person who caused all of this, have the nerve to whine?
Xiaoxue: … [Changes target.] Even though I already know the answer, I still have to ask. Does Emperor Huawu ever feel embarrassed…?
Feng Xuanyi: Yes.
Xiaoxue & Everyone: !!!
Xiaoxue [looking around wildly]: Is an iron tree about to bloom today? So is that before sex or afterward?
Feng Xuanyi: Both.
Nalan Xuan: Why have I never noticed?
Feng Xuanyi: Whenever I am with you, I feel embarrassed.
Nalan Xuan: …I notice that even less…
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||) Why do I get the feeling you’re just playing with me…?
Feng Xuanyi [raising a brow, cold smile]: And what if We are?
Xiaoxue [looking miserable]: Thank you for Your Majesty’s grace. T_T
Question 73: If a close friend said, “I’m lonely, so just for tonight, please…” and asked you for sex, what would you do?
Nalan Xuan: I don’t have friends. There are only interests, people I can use and people I cannot use.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o So there isn’t even a possibility of anyone making that request?
Nalan Xuan [proudly]: Friendship has to be built on trust. I don’t even trust my own family. Who do you think I could possibly trust?
Feng Xuanyi [displeased]: …
Nalan Xuan: The only person in this world for whom I was willing to put everything aside and try trusting one more time has already been developed into someone I share a bed with. So even if that request existed, it could only come from him. I wouldn’t object.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o [Muttering.] Why does it feel as though I dug a pit and fell into it myself…? [I don’t even want to ask the other one anymore, but T_T.] Then, Emperor Huawu?!
Nalan Xuan: Friends? Other than him, do you think there is anyone qualified to stand on equal footing with me and become my friend?
Xiaoxue: Fine. I really did ask something pointless again. T_T [Why do none of these hypotheticals work on them…?]
Question 74: Do you think you’re good at sex?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan: Ask him.
Xiaoxue: …
Question 75: Then what about the other person?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan: Very good.
Xiaoxue [flipping the table]: Damn it, you’re doing this on purpose! Absolutely on purpose! Weren’t you two still tormenting each other right up to the end? How are you suddenly this perfectly in sync?!!
Feng Xuanyi and Nalan Xuan looked at each other and smiled without saying a word.