Lights, sound, music~ The spotlight focuses on the stage. Xiaoxue, having abandoned wife and child and brought along nothing but a box of tissues, trudges onto the stage looking utterly wilted and curls up on the hard bench specially prepared for the host by the production team…
Xiaoxue [sniffling, looking miserable]: I protest! You people are abusing a sick person! [Voice choked with tears? Pulls out a tissue and blows her nose.]
Because the sight is rather unfit for public viewing, the director naturally shifts the camera away and freezes it on the two people backstage who are gazing lovingly at each other, drooling all the while.
Producer-Director [jumping up, slamming the script down]: Please! Do you have any professional ethics at all?! This is live, and you are blowing your nose onstage!!
Xiaoxue [aggrieved]: Producer-Director, shouldn’t you be praising me for reporting to work while sick and giving me an award…
Producer-Director [rolling eyes]: We respectfully welcome His Majesty the Emperor and Her Majesty the Empress!
Xiaoxue [stunned]: Am I about to lose my job… [bursts into tears].
One was handsome and heroic, the other beautiful enough to topple a kingdom. Hand in hand, the two entered together. Gone were the heavy, elaborate dragon robes and empress’s formal dress. Instead, both wore matching sky-water-blue shirts, faded washed jeans, and sneakers, looking every inch like masters of casual style. The brothers and sisters in the audience immediately erupted into shrieks.
Xiaoxue [waving at the camera]: Director… your drool is about to smear the lens…
The two sat down together, provoking another round of screams.
Xiaoxue [sniffling, looking mournful + muttering]: Damn it, do you have to flaunt your love this openly? That sofa is enormous, so why are the two of you squeezing into one seat? [Flips table.] How about we switch? You two take the bench and let me lie on the sofa!
Feng Xuanyi [brow lifting, lips curving]: What are you trying to say?
Xiaoxue [shivering + ingratiating smile]: Hehe, nothing. I was merely thinking that it’s freezing and you two are wearing so little, yet you aren’t cold. Clearly, cold-resistance gear can’t compete with cold-resistance stats.
Feng Xuanyi [continuing to smile wickedly]: Does that count as the first question?
Xiaoxue: No, no! I was just commenting to myself. You don’t have to answer, hehe. [They say every “hehe” is secretly followed by a curse. Hmph. Uh, why do I still feel like I’m the one losing out? T_T Why is every son of mine this difficult to deal with? T_T]
Feng Xuanyi looked at the lover in his arms, smiling so blissfully it was practically indecent.
Xiaoxue [after shivering, sudden flash of inspiration]: Oh! Did you deliberately make him dress lightly so he’d get cold and burrow straight into your arms? Your motives are impure! Downright sinister!
Feng Xuanyi [turning back, smiling even more blissfully than before]: Is that the first question?
Xiaoxue [T_T Next time I’m creating a gentle, sensible, kind, generous, adorable, cheerful son. This is way too stressful!]: [Flips through the script, pulls tissues, then turns sideways to dodge someone’s gaze o(┘□└)o.] First, thank you to everyone in the audience. Thank you for supporting and following The Hibiscus Canopy for more than a year. It was only with your company that The Hibiscus Canopy could reach its conclusion successfully. And now, please welcome the stars of our story, Mr. Feng Xuanyi and Mr. Nalan Xuan.
The audience thundered with applause. The expressions onstage remained calm.
Feng Xuanyi: Please be concise and get straight to the point. Everyone’s time is precious. Our schedule is very full.
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Heaven knows what the two of you have filled that schedule with…
Nalan Xuan [innocently]: If you already know, why ask?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Compared with hidden schemers, I think I prefer openly black-bellied ones T_T. [Pulls herself together, smiles.] Then let us formally begin the Couple’s 100 Questions…
Question 1: Please tell us your name.
Feng Xuanyi [smiling wickedly]: …
Nalan Xuan [smiling innocently]: …
Xiaoxue [crying for no apparent reason]: What are you two trying to pull by refusing to answer? [Wait, no. Why does this situation feel so familiar…]
Feng Xuanyi [smiling so seductively it should count as entrapment]: …
Xiaoxue [silently reciting Buddhist scripture]: I’m your mother. Don’t think crooked thoughts. That’s my son. I must be free of desire, free of desire… [Everyone: You’re overthinking it…]
Feng Xuanyi: If you don’t even know our names, what kind of live program are you recording here?
Xiaoxue [reality overlapping with memory, flips table, rushes over to inspect him carefully]: You… have you been possessed by Ling Xu? Or… are you wearing an earpiece? Or did you do your homework in advance?
Feng Xuanyi: … [Smiles without speaking.]
Xiaoxue: … [Looks desperately toward Nalan Xuan. Usually the little shou are easy to talk to. Even that taciturn God of War cooperated so well. Surely the empress can’t put on that much airs, right?]
Nalan Xuan [beaming]: My answer is the same as his.
Xiaoxue: ?
Nalan Xuan [kindly repeating]: If you don’t even know our names, what kind of live program are you recording here?
Xiaoxue: T_T [Why did I forget that his attributes make him even harder to deal with than a black-bellied schemer? Sob…] [Painfully concludes.] Then let’s move on to the next question…
Question 2: How old are you?
Feng Xuanyi: Twenty-one.
Nalan Xuan: Three years younger than him.
Xiaoxue [shocked]: Why are you suddenly so cooperative with this one?!
Feng Xuanyi and Nalan Xuan each gave her a disdainful glance, then turned and gazed into each other’s eyes.
Xiaoxue [wilted]: Could you stop flaunting your love? There are still so many single children here…
Nalan Xuan [aggrieved]: You tormented me for so long. Now that I’ve finally reached sweetness after all that bitterness, I still have to watch the occasion? Please. All beneath heaven is the sovereign’s land. Who would dare order us around?
Xiaoxue: Uh… didn’t I establish that you lost your memory? Do you remember or not remember right now…
Nalan Xuan [shrugs]: Who knows? Does it matter?
Xiaoxue [looking at Feng Xuanyi]: You really are the only one who can handle him.
Feng Xuanyi [smugly]: Naturally.
Xiaoxue [o(┘□└)o]: You think I was complimenting you two? T_T
Question 3: What is your sex?
Xiaoxue [o(┘□└)o]: To avoid getting beaten, let’s skip this one. Everyone already knows, right? Right?!
Question 4: How would you describe your personality?
Xiaoxue [looking deeply concerned, so absorbed she crushes the tissue box in her hands].
Feng Xuanyi: Mature and steady.
Nalan Xuan: Innocent and kind.
Xiaoxue [miserable]: …Can the two of you possibly be any more shameless… [Flips table (┘｀□′)┘︵!!!] Hurry up and move to the next question…
Question 5: How would you describe the other person’s personality?
Xiaoxue [eyes shining as she looks at Nalan Xuan]: No matter how you put it, he hurt you terribly. If you have anything you’re unhappy about, hurry up and get it all off your chest. Expose everything you want~ Wahahaha…
Nalan Xuan [baffled]: Haven’t I already lost my memory? What unhappiness would I have to get off my chest?
Xiaoxue: Would someone with amnesia know they had amnesia…
Nalan Xuan: Didn’t I leave myself a letter?
Xiaoxue: But you don’t have to accept it this calmly…
Feng Xuanyi [displeased]: Are you trying to sow discord between husband and husband?
Xiaoxue [ingratiating smile]: Hehe, no. I… was just saying whatever came to mind. So… answer the question, hahaha.
Nalan Xuan: Just as he said. Mature and steady.
Feng Xuanyi [smiling gently]: Innocent and kind.
Xiaoxue: In a certain sense, you two really are a perfect match. Anyone else would go insane…
Question 6: When and where did the two of you meet?
Feng Xuanyi: When I was eighteen, at Prince Rong’s Residence, beside the lotus pond. [His gaze turns soft and distant.]
Nalan Xuan: If we count from after the memory loss, when I was eighteen, in the bedchamber of Fengyi Palace in the imperial palace. If we count from before the memory loss, when I was four, outside the imperial capital. I was inside a carriage, and he was among the people lined along the official road.
Xiaoxue [eyes instantly sparkling]: Eh? If… so your amnesia was actually…
Nalan Xuan [firmly]: I really did lose my memory. The evidence is ironclad, and you were the one who wrote it that way.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o This person is terrifying. Somebody drag him away T_T. [Sudden flash of inspiration.] But even so, your answers don’t match. [Schadenfreude.] Looks like your compatibility isn’t that great after all~ Wahahaha, I’ve taken back a point. YES!
Feng Xuanyi [raises a brow]: What did you say? I didn’t hear clearly. Trouble this subject to repeat it.
Xiaoxue [shivering]: Reporting to Your Majesty, this humble subject said absolutely nothing. Let’s move on to the next question… [It’s not that I have no backbone. I just had the misfortune of creating people who are impossible to communicate with. Next time I absolutely have to make two children who are easy to talk to. These two, plus the previous two… tch, all of them are exhausting T_T.]
Question 7: What was your first impression of the other person?
Feng Xuanyi [looking tenderly and indulgently at the lover in his arms]: … [Smiles without speaking.]
Xiaoxue [gathering courage]: Um, Your Majesty Emperor Huawu, could you share with us? Don’t keep all the fun to yourself.
Feng Xuanyi: That is private. No comment.
Xiaoxue [miserable]: Isn’t the whole point of the “Couple’s 100 Questions” that it asks about very… private things? Then may I ask what Empress Yu’s first impression of Emperor Huawu was?
Nalan Xuan: When I was eighteen, I opened my eyes and saw an awful old man.
Feng Xuanyi [expression changing]: I was worried about you, so of course I wasn’t paying attention to my appearance. You didn’t know…
Nalan Xuan: I know. [Smiles.] As for when I was four, I knew even then that he would become emperor one day.
Xiaoxue [shocked]: You were that tiny and already had that much foresight?
Nalan Xuan [unconcerned]: Do not compare this palace with the likes of you.
Xiaoxue [muttering + picking at fingers]: That tone, that expression… why does it feel so familiar… [Sneaks a glance.] Have the two of you achieved spiritual synchronization?
Question 8: What do you like about the other person?
Nalan Xuan [smiling]: Hypocritical and pretentious.
Feng Xuanyi [smiling]: Ruthless and vicious.
Xiaoxue: …
Question 9: What do you dislike about the other person?
Nalan Xuan: Nothing.
Feng Xuanyi: Nothing.
Xiaoxue [too exhausted to complain]: …Are you two sure you didn’t answer those two questions backward?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [in unison]: Of course.
Xiaoxue [pulls out a tissue, blows nose]: …
Question 10: Do you think the two of you are compatible?
Feng Xuanyi: Of course.
Nalan Xuan: Why wouldn’t we be?
Xiaoxue: …Two creatures with spectacularly high opinions of themselves… [Nitpicking.] If you’re so compatible, why did you spend so much time tormenting each other?
Feng Xuanyi [face darkening]: Are you certain that question is on the list?
Nalan Xuan [trembling with lovestruck excitement]: Don’t you understand what “love and kill each other” means?
Xiaoxue: T_T Please replace the host! [Bursts into tears.]
Question 11: What do you call the other person?
Nalan Xuan: Your Majesty.
Feng Xuanyi: Beloved Consort.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o I don’t mean what you call each other in front of outsiders. I mean what you call each other in private…
Feng Xuanyi: I have already said that my private affairs are none of your concern. I hope I will not need to say the same thing a third time.
Xiaoxue [shivers].
Nalan Xuan: Yi Hua.
Xiaoxue [deeply grateful]: Sure enough, the shou really are easier to deal with…
Nalan Xuan [smiling]: What did you say?
Xiaoxue: Hehe, let’s go to the next question. [Pulls a tissue, wipes tears.] My life is so bitter T_T.
Question 12: What would you like the other person to call you?
Feng Xuanyi: Yi Hua.
Nalan Xuan [blushing]: …
Xiaoxue: !!! There’s something suspicious here!
Feng Xuanyi [slowly sends over a murderous glance].
Xiaoxue [miserable]: Fine, fine. He can’t be made to say the same thing three times T_T. But I really want to know what exactly you said that could make our shameless… no, our pure and adorable Little Xuan look shy.
Feng Xuanyi: …“Little Xuan” is not something you people are allowed to call him either.
Xiaoxue: … [After much consideration, timidly.] Has anyone ever told you that you’re extremely overbearing?
Feng Xuanyi: Everything under heaven belongs to me. What is wrong with being overbearing?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Ji Ye, I should never have abandoned you and come up here with a box of tissues instead. Now I don’t even have someone to lean on. Facing these two puts me under enormous pressure T_T.
Question 13: If you had to compare the other person to an animal, what would they be?
Feng Xuanyi [meaningfully]: A cat.
Nalan Xuan [equally meaningfully]: A cactus.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Um… are you sure a cactus is… an animal?
Nalan Xuan: That isn’t important.
Xiaoxue: …Then what is important? o(┘□└)o
Nalan Xuan [full of affection]: Yi Hua.
Xiaoxue [retching]: I can’t. I seriously can’t. These bizarrely lovey-dovey people! I demand an early intermission!!
Question 14: If you were giving the other person a gift, what would you give?
Feng Xuanyi [without hesitation]: The realm.
Xiaoxue [timidly]: What use is it to give him the realm…
Feng Xuanyi [utterly disdainful, clearly wearing the expression of someone playing music to a cow].
Xiaoxue: …
Nalan Xuan [without hesitation]: Myself.
Xiaoxue [quietly]: Would it be rude of me to say that, as a shou, you are the most frank and self-aware one I’ve ever met…
Question 15: Then what gift would you like to receive?
Feng Xuanyi: Him.
Xiaoxue: ┐(┘▽└)┌ [spreads hands]
Nalan Xuan: The realm.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Is this really beyond my ability to understand? Trading true feelings for material goods and material goods for true feelings. Is this somehow perfectly logical to you two?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan: That is why we say you don’t understand.
“Fahai, You Don’t Understand Love” begins playing across the stage…
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o You’re in league with the sound engineer, aren’t you? T_T
Question 16: Is there anything about the other person you’re dissatisfied with? What kind of thing, usually?
Feng Xuanyi: He overthinks things too much and does everything too decisively.
Xiaoxue: Eh, you actually dug that up so honestly. Sounds like you’ve had it bottled up for ages. Mwahaha, cough cough. For example?
Feng Xuanyi: Nothing.
Xiaoxue: Hey, that’s way too perfunctory. Anyone can tell there’s a story there. Come on, tell us.
Feng Xuanyi [raises a brow]: Aren’t you sick? Go wilt somewhere else.
Xiaoxue: … [Changes targets and keeps poking.] Then Empress Yu! Do you have anything you’re dissatisfied with about Emperor Huawu?!
Nalan Xuan: Nothing I’d call dissatisfaction. There is one knot in my heart, though.
Xiaoxue: Can you tell us? It shouldn’t count as private, right?
Nalan Xuan: No. Everyone knows about it. He simply never stopped surrounding himself with men and women.
Xiaoxue [sniffs]: Why do I smell something sour?
Feng Xuanyi [nervously tightening his embrace]: …
Xiaoxue [grinning wickedly]: Didn’t you lose your memory already? How do you still remember all those ancient grievances from the past~?
Nalan Xuan [as though it were obvious]: Didn’t I just say everyone knows about it? Why wouldn’t I know?
Feng Xuanyi & Xiaoxue: …
Xiaoxue [glances at Feng Xuanyi]: Rare moment where the two of us are on the same side. So Little Xuan really is the final boss…
Question 17: What is your own bad habit or flaw?
Feng Xuanyi: None.
Xiaoxue [quietly]: If you really have none, why are you sneaking a look at your spouse?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue [internally]: Oh, YES! Another point for me, wahahaha~
Nalan Xuan: None.
Xiaoxue: Are the two of you really this pleased with yourselves?
Feng Xuanyi & Nalan Xuan [nod].
Xiaoxue: Then what was all that in the previous question?
Feng Xuanyi: Previous question? When? What did you ask?
Xiaoxue: …Are we pretending to have amnesia now…
Feng Xuanyi: Do you remember what the previous question was?
Nalan Xuan: My memory has always been bad. Otherwise, how could I have lived eighteen years and remember only the past few days?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o
Question 18: What is the other person’s flaw?
Nalan Xuan: None.
Feng Xuanyi: None.
Xiaoxue: So everything you said two questions ago really was nonsense… As a closing remark, I’d like to say: when husbands are of one heart, their combined strength can cut through metal…
Question 19: What can the other person do that makes you unhappy?
Xiaoxue [suddenly energized]: This question is very gentle! It doesn’t ask about flaws or faults, just the tiniest little thing you mind. Anything you care about counts~ [Throws aside the tissues and takes on the expression of a big bad wolf spotting Little Red Riding Hood.]
Nalan Xuan [without hesitation]: He got rid of our child.
Xiaoxue [internally]: Round one! Go! [Why do I suddenly feel like I’m desperate to stir up chaos?]
Feng Xuanyi [face sinking]: …So in the end, you really did remember…
Xiaoxue [internally]: Wahahaha~ He’s finally nervous! Finally I’m not the one under pressure~ [So I really am the kind of mother who’d sell out her son’s happiness just to make myself feel better…]
Nalan Xuan: Right, right. I’m supposed to have forgotten. [Shows his teeth in a smile.] Nope. What am I supposed to have forgotten, and what am I supposed to remember?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Why does this suddenly feel strangely heartbreaking… [Changes the subject.] Then, Your Majesty Emperor Huawu! What does the other person do that makes you unhappy?
Feng Xuanyi [thinking, hesitating]: …When he sides with Eldest Brother. When he favors Eldest Brother.
Nalan Xuan [utterly baffled]: Have I? Who is your Eldest Brother?
Feng Xuanyi [brows relaxing, lips curving as he gently rubs the other man’s head]: It’s fine. Nothing happened. It’s all in the past. Even if there were mistakes, they were all mine. As long as you can stay beside me, that is enough.
Nalan Xuan: Mm. I’ll always stay beside you. Forever.
Xiaoxue [eyes brimming with tears]: Quick, quick, where are my tissues? This is too moving. Sob sob sob.
Producer-Director [hurls the script and hits the target dead center]: Stop disrupting the show. Do you understand you’re ruining the visuals? Switcher, cut her feed.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o
Question 20: What do you do that makes the other person unhappy?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue: …Shall we skip this one?
Question 21: How far has your relationship progressed?
Feng Xuanyi [smiles arrogantly]: Hmph.
Nalan Xuan [smiles disdainfully]: We’ve even had a child. How far do you think it has progressed?
Xiaoxue: …Do you understand the meaning of the word “modesty”?
Nalan Xuan [innocent]: Modesty? How much per jin?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o So apparently I still possess some shame…
Question 22: Where did the two of you go on your first date?
Feng Xuanyi: The library at Prince Rong’s Residence.
Nalan Xuan: His bedchamber at Prince Rong’s Residence.
They answered in unison… with completely different answers…
Xiaoxue: This… what… what are these answers supposed to mean…
Nalan Xuan: We simply define “date” differently.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o You’re taking that remarkably well.
Nalan Xuan [changes position while continuing to sit on Feng Xuanyi, provoking shrieks from the audience]: Why wouldn’t I?
Xiaoxue [covers face, peeking through her fingers]: Brother, we are in public, under everyone’s eyes, and this is a live broadcast. Could you not immediately switch into such an explosive straddling position…
Nalan Xuan [expression unchanged]: Nonsense. I merely got tired of sitting in one position and shifted a little. Besides, we’re still wearing clothes.
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||)
Question 23: What was the atmosphere like at the time?
Feng Xuanyi: Very good. Very cute.
Nalan Xuan: Very good. Very comfortable.
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||) Somebody tell me I’m overthinking this. That “comfortable” doesn’t mean what I think it means, right?
Nalan Xuan [mysterious smile]: You’ll find out in the next question.
Xiaoxue [protesting]: Wasn’t I supposed to be the host? Why does it feel like the production team leaked the questions to the guests?!!
Question 24: How far did things progress at the time?
Feng Xuanyi: We were just warming up. We looked through a set of erotic illustrations together and prepared for future practical application.
Xiaoxue [drooling, heart-shaped eyes]: Then did you actually use any of those positions later?
Feng Xuanyi [meaningfully]: … [Smiles without speaking.]
Xiaoxue: Everyone understands ┐(┘▽└)┌. [The camera turns toward Nalan Xuan.] Then what is Empress Yu’s answer?
Nalan Xuan [innocently]: We did it. What other “level” is there supposed to be?
Xiaoxue: …I finally understand why your answers to the previous question were different… and I finally understand what you meant by “different definitions of a date”…
Question 25: Where do you usually go on dates?
Feng Xuanyi: Anywhere he wants to go.
Xiaoxue: …Such a vague answer. Is it actually because you have no romantic cells whatsoever? Meaning you’ve never seriously thought about where you could take him to properly cultivate your relationship?
Feng Xuanyi: … [A dangerous light enters his eyes.]
Xiaoxue: … [Falls silent.]
Xiaoxue [internally]: I hit the mark, didn’t I…
Nalan Xuan: Bed.
Xiaoxue: … (-_-|||) Has anyone ever told you that sometimes your thoughts are really… obscene…
Nalan Xuan: Really? Shouldn’t a man simply do as he pleases?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o I meant “xing” as in being free-spirited, not “xing” as in sex…
Nalan Xuan [baffled]: Isn’t it the same xing?
Xiaoxue: Fine. I finally understand what “it takes two hands to clap” means. With a child who has no idea what modesty even is, dating is pointless. You might as well drag him straight to bed and suppress him… Wait, no. Maybe I shouldn’t talk to him about modesty at all. Maybe I should go straight for self-respect. That might finally poke at…
Feng Xuanyi [shoots her a razor-edged look].
Xiaoxue [falls silent]: …Fine. Pretend I said nothing. Let’s continue to the next question T_T.