Lights, sound, music~ The spotlight focuses on the stage. Xiaoxue, having abandoned wife and child and brought along nothing but a box of tissues, trudges onto the stage looking utterly wilted and curls up on the hard bench specially prepared for the host by the production team…
Xiaoxue [sniffling, looking miserable]: I protest! You people are abusing a sick person! [Voice choked with tears? Pulls out a tissue and blows her nose.]
Because the sight is rather unfit for public viewing, the director naturally shifts the camera away and freezes it on the two people backstage who are gazing lovingly at each other, drooling all the while.
Producer-Director [jumping up, slamming the script down]: Please! Do you have any professional ethics at all?! This is live, and you are blowing your nose onstage!!
Xiaoxue [aggrieved]: Producer-Director, shouldn’t you be praising me for reporting to work while sick and giving me an award…
Producer-Director [rolling eyes]: We respectfully welcome His Majesty the Emperor and Her Majesty the Empress!
Xiaoxue [stunned]: Am I about to lose my job… [bursts into tears].
One was handsome and heroic, the other beautiful enough to topple a kingdom. Hand in hand, the two entered together. Gone were the heavy, elaborate dragon robes and empress’s formal dress. Instead, both wore matching sky-water-blue shirts, faded washed jeans, and sneakers, looking every inch like masters of casual style. The brothers and sisters in the audience immediately erupted into shrieks.
Xiaoxue [waving at the camera]: Director… your drool is about to smear the lens…
The two sat down together, provoking another round of screams.
Xiaoxue [sniffling, looking mournful + muttering]: Damn it, do you have to flaunt your love this openly? That sofa is enormous, so why are the two of you squeezing into one seat? [Flips table.] How about we switch? You two take the bench and let me lie on the sofa!
Feng Xuanyi [brow lifting, lips curving]: What are you trying to say?
Xiaoxue [shivering + ingratiating smile]: Hehe, nothing. I was merely thinking that it’s freezing and you two are wearing so little, yet you aren’t cold. Clearly, cold-resistance gear can’t compete with cold-resistance stats.
Feng Xuanyi [continuing to smile wickedly]: Does that count as the first question?
Xiaoxue: No, no! I was just commenting to myself. You don’t have to answer, hehe. [They say every “hehe” is secretly followed by a curse. Hmph. Uh, why do I still feel like I’m the one losing out? T_T Why is every son of mine this difficult to deal with? T_T]
Feng Xuanyi looked at the lover in his arms, smiling so blissfully it was practically indecent.
Xiaoxue [after shivering, sudden flash of inspiration]: Oh! Did you deliberately make him dress lightly so he’d get cold and burrow straight into your arms? Your motives are impure! Downright sinister!
Feng Xuanyi [turning back, smiling even more blissfully than before]: Is that the first question?
Xiaoxue [T_T Next time I’m creating a gentle, sensible, kind, generous, adorable, cheerful son. This is way too stressful!]: [Flips through the script, pulls tissues, then turns sideways to dodge someone’s gaze o(┘□└)o.] First, thank you to everyone in the audience. Thank you for supporting and following The Hibiscus Canopy for more than a year. It was only with your company that The Hibiscus Canopy could reach its conclusion successfully. And now, please welcome the stars of our story, Mr. Feng Xuanyi and Mr. Nalan Xuan.
The audience thundered with applause. The expressions onstage remained calm.
Feng Xuanyi: Please be concise and get straight to the point. Everyone’s time is precious. Our schedule is very full.
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Heaven knows what the two of you have filled that schedule with…
Nalan Xuan [innocently]: If you already know, why ask?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o Compared with hidden schemers, I think I prefer openly black-bellied ones T_T. [Pulls herself together, smiles.] Then let us formally begin the Couple’s 100 Questions…
Question 1: Please tell us your name.
Feng Xuanyi [smiling wickedly]: …
Nalan Xuan [smiling innocently]: …
Xiaoxue [crying for no apparent reason]: What are you two trying to pull by refusing to answer? [Wait, no. Why does this situation feel so familiar…]
Feng Xuanyi [smiling so seductively it should count as entrapment]: …
Xiaoxue [silently reciting Buddhist scripture]: I’m your mother. Don’t think crooked thoughts. That’s my son. I must be free of desire, free of desire… [Everyone: You’re overthinking it…]
Feng Xuanyi: If you don’t even know our names, what kind of live program are you recording here?
Xiaoxue [reality overlapping with memory, flips table, rushes over to inspect him carefully]: You… have you been possessed by Ling Xu? Or… are you wearing an earpiece? Or did you do your homework in advance?
Feng Xuanyi: … [Smiles without speaking.]
Xiaoxue: … [Looks desperately toward Nalan Xuan. Usually the little shou are easy to talk to. Even that taciturn God of War cooperated so well. Surely the empress can’t put on that much airs, right?]
Nalan Xuan [beaming]: My answer is the same as his.
Xiaoxue: ?
Nalan Xuan [kindly repeating]: If you don’t even know our names, what kind of live program are you recording here?
Xiaoxue: T_T [Why did I forget that his attributes make him even harder to deal with than a black-bellied schemer? Sob…] [Painfully concludes.] Then let’s move on to the next question…
Question 2: How old are you?
Feng Xuanyi: Twenty-one.
Nalan Xuan: Three years younger than him.
Xiaoxue [shocked]: Why are you suddenly so cooperative with this one?!
Feng Xuanyi and Nalan Xuan each gave her a disdainful glance, then turned and gazed into each other’s eyes.
Xiaoxue [wilted]: Could you stop flaunting your love? There are still so many single children here…
Nalan Xuan [aggrieved]: You tormented me for so long. Now that I’ve finally reached sweetness after all that bitterness, I still have to watch the occasion? Please. All beneath heaven is the sovereign’s land. Who would dare order us around?
Xiaoxue: Uh… didn’t I establish that you lost your memory? Do you remember or not remember right now…
Nalan Xuan [shrugs]: Who knows? Does it matter?
Xiaoxue [looking at Feng Xuanyi]: You really are the only one who can handle him.
Feng Xuanyi [smugly]: Naturally.
Xiaoxue [o(┘□└)o]: You think I was complimenting you two? T_T
Question 3: What is your sex?
Xiaoxue [o(┘□└)o]: To avoid getting beaten, let’s skip this one. Everyone already knows, right? Right?!
Question 4: How would you describe your personality?
Xiaoxue [looking deeply concerned, so absorbed she crushes the tissue box in her hands].
Feng Xuanyi: Mature and steady.
Nalan Xuan: Innocent and kind.
Xiaoxue [miserable]: …Can the two of you possibly be any more shameless… [Flips table (┘｀□′)┘︵!!!] Hurry up and move to the next question…
Question 5: How would you describe the other person’s personality?
Feng Xuanyi: Innocent, cute, kind.
Nalan Xuan: Mature, steady, gentle, considerate.
Xiaoxue: …
Question 6: When did the two of you first meet? Where?
Feng Xuanyi: When I was eighteen. At Prince Rong’s Residence, by the lotus pond.
Nalan Xuan: In Xiliang.
Xiaoxue: Huh?
Nalan Xuan: What? You asked when we first met. If we’re using the version where I lost my memory again, then naturally it was in Xiliang.
Xiaoxue: …You really know how to exploit loopholes.
Question 7: What was your first impression of the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: Very interesting.
Nalan Xuan: Very annoying.
Xiaoxue: …That gap is quite large.
Question 8: What did you like about the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: Everything.
Nalan Xuan: Everything.
Xiaoxue: …Okay. Fine. Very harmonious.
Question 9: What did you dislike about the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: Nothing.
Nalan Xuan: Nothing.
Xiaoxue: …You two really are determined to be nauseatingly sweet today, aren’t you?
Question 10: Do you feel compatible with the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: Naturally.
Nalan Xuan: Very.
Question 11: What do you call the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: Xuan.
Nalan Xuan: Yi Hua.
Feng Xuanyi’s expression immediately softened.
Xiaoxue [covering her face]: …That was fast. So one name is enough to make you surrender completely.
Question 12: What would you like the other person to call you?
Feng Xuanyi: Anything he wants.
Nalan Xuan: Anything.
Xiaoxue: Such boring answers.
Question 13: If you had to compare the other person to an animal, what would it be?
Feng Xuanyi: Cat.
Nalan Xuan: Wolf.
Xiaoxue: That actually sounds surprisingly fitting.
Question 14: If you had to give the other person a gift, what would you give?
Feng Xuanyi: Whatever he wants.
Nalan Xuan: Whatever he lacks.
Xiaoxue: …Do either of you understand the concept of a surprise?
Question 15: What would you like to receive from the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: Him.
Nalan Xuan: Him.
Xiaoxue: …I regret asking.
Question 16: Do you have any dissatisfaction with the other person?
Feng Xuanyi: No.
Nalan Xuan: No.
Question 17: What is the other person’s good point?
Feng Xuanyi: What did I say just now?
Nalan Xuan: What was the previous question?
Xiaoxue: …Are we pretending to have amnesia now…
Feng Xuanyi: Do you remember what the previous question was?
Nalan Xuan: My memory has always been bad. Otherwise, how could I have lived eighteen years and remember only the past few days?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o
Question 18: What is the other person’s flaw?
Nalan Xuan: None.
Feng Xuanyi: None.
Xiaoxue: So everything you said two questions ago really was nonsense… As a closing remark, I’d like to say: when husbands are of one heart, their combined strength can cut through metal…
Question 19: What can the other person do that makes you unhappy?
Xiaoxue [suddenly energized]: This question is very gentle! It doesn’t ask about flaws or faults, just the tiniest little thing you mind. Anything you care about counts~ [Throws aside the tissues and takes on the expression of a big bad wolf spotting Little Red Riding Hood.]
Nalan Xuan [without hesitation]: He got rid of our child.
Xiaoxue [internally]: Round one! Go! [Why do I suddenly feel like I’m desperate to stir up chaos?]
Feng Xuanyi [face sinking]: …So in the end, you really did remember…
Xiaoxue [internally]: Wahahaha~ He’s finally nervous! Finally I’m not the one under pressure~ [So I really am the kind of mother who’d sell out her son’s happiness just to make myself feel better…]
Nalan Xuan: Right, right. I’m supposed to have forgotten. [Shows his teeth in a smile.] Nope. What am I supposed to have forgotten, and what am I supposed to remember?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Xiaoxue [muttering]: Why does this suddenly feel strangely heartbreaking… [Changes the subject.] Then, Your Majesty Emperor Huawu! What does the other person do that makes you unhappy?
Feng Xuanyi [thinking, hesitating]: …When he sides with Eldest Brother. When he favors Eldest Brother.
Nalan Xuan [utterly baffled]: Have I? Who is your Eldest Brother?
Feng Xuanyi [brows relaxing, lips curving as he gently rubs the other man’s head]: It’s fine. Nothing happened. It’s all in the past. Even if there were mistakes, they were all mine. As long as you can stay beside me, that is enough.
Nalan Xuan: Mm. I’ll always stay beside you. Forever.
Xiaoxue [eyes brimming with tears]: Quick, quick, where are my tissues? This is too moving. Sob sob sob.
Producer-Director [hurls the script and hits the target dead center]: Stop disrupting the show. Do you understand you’re ruining the visuals? Switcher, cut her feed.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o
Question 20: What do you do that makes the other person unhappy?
Feng Xuanyi: …
Nalan Xuan: …
Xiaoxue: …Shall we skip this one?
Question 21: How far has your relationship progressed?
Feng Xuanyi [smiles arrogantly]: Hmph.
Nalan Xuan [smiles disdainfully]: We’ve even had a child. How far do you think it has progressed?
Xiaoxue: …Do you understand the meaning of the word “modesty”?
Nalan Xuan [innocent]: Modesty? How much per jin?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o So apparently I still possess some shame…
Question 22: Where did the two of you go on your first date?
Feng Xuanyi: The library at Prince Rong’s Residence.
Nalan Xuan: His bedchamber at Prince Rong’s Residence.
They answered in unison… with completely different answers…
Xiaoxue: This… what… what are these answers supposed to mean…
Nalan Xuan: We simply define “date” differently.
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o You’re taking that remarkably well.
Nalan Xuan [changes position while continuing to sit on Feng Xuanyi, provoking shrieks from the audience]: Why wouldn’t I?
Xiaoxue [covers face, peeking through her fingers]: Brother, we are in public, under everyone’s eyes, and this is a live broadcast. Could you not immediately switch into such an explosive straddling position…
Nalan Xuan [expression unchanged]: Nonsense. I merely got tired of sitting in one position and shifted a little. Besides, we’re still wearing clothes.
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||)
Question 23: What was the atmosphere like at the time?
Feng Xuanyi: Very good. Very cute.
Nalan Xuan: Very good. Very comfortable.
Xiaoxue: (-_-|||) Somebody tell me I’m overthinking this. That “comfortable” doesn’t mean what I think it means, right?
Nalan Xuan [mysterious smile]: You’ll find out in the next question.
Xiaoxue [protesting]: Wasn’t I supposed to be the host? Why does it feel like the production team leaked the questions to the guests?!!
Question 24: How far did things progress at the time?
Feng Xuanyi: We were just warming up. We looked through a set of erotic illustrations together and prepared for future practical application.
Xiaoxue [drooling, heart-shaped eyes]: Then did you actually use any of those positions later?
Feng Xuanyi [meaningfully]: … [Smiles without speaking.]
Xiaoxue: Everyone understands ┐(┘▽└)┌. [The camera turns toward Nalan Xuan.] Then what is Empress Yu’s answer?
Nalan Xuan [innocently]: We did it. What other “level” is there supposed to be?
Xiaoxue: …I finally understand why your answers to the previous question were different… and I finally understand what you meant by “different definitions of a date”…
Question 25: Where do you usually go on dates?
Feng Xuanyi: Anywhere he wants to go.
Xiaoxue: …Such a vague answer. Is it actually because you have no romantic cells whatsoever? Meaning you’ve never seriously thought about where you could take him to properly cultivate your relationship?
Feng Xuanyi: … [A dangerous light enters his eyes.]
Xiaoxue: … [Falls silent.]
Xiaoxue [internally]: I hit the mark, didn’t I…
Nalan Xuan: Bed.
Xiaoxue: … (-_-|||) Has anyone ever told you that sometimes your thoughts are really… obscene…
Nalan Xuan: Really? Shouldn’t a man simply do as he pleases?
Xiaoxue: o(┘□└)o I meant “xing” as in being free-spirited, not “xing” as in sex…
Nalan Xuan [baffled]: Isn’t it the same xing?
Xiaoxue: Fine. I finally understand what “it takes two hands to clap” means. With a child who has no idea what modesty even is, dating is pointless. You might as well drag him straight to bed and suppress him… Wait, no. Maybe I shouldn’t talk to him about modesty at all. Maybe I should go straight for self-respect. That might finally poke at…
Feng Xuanyi [shoots her a razor-edged look].
Xiaoxue [falls silent]: …Fine. Pretend I said nothing. Let’s continue to the next question T_T.