Their relationship had stopped at a place that was both awkward and painful. No matter which direction Ke Bu wanted to go, simply lifting one leg hurt. Whenever he finally gathered enough courage to endure the pain and keep moving forward, thinking that perhaps it would hurt less once he had walked far enough, somehow it only hurt more and more.
He couldn’t keep moving forward, yet he couldn’t go back.
How long was this situation going to last? What would the next one look like?
Ke Bu was tired.
He wanted to leave this place. He was going to leave this place.
There wasn’t much in the hospital room that belonged to him. Even his phone had been ruined after soaking in the river. Once he changed clothes, he opened the door and walked out. A trace of pain still lingered in his arm, but other places hurt far worse, so he couldn’t bring himself to care.
The moon hid behind the clouds, appearing and disappearing, while only a handful of stars gave off weak light. Ke Bu stepped across his own shadow and concentrated only on walking quickly. He was going to leave this place. He would go somewhere unfamiliar and live there. He would forget everything and start over. He would exist simply as Ke Bu.
But once he stood outside the hospital, he stopped. He wanted to leave, yet his feet refused to obey him. They remained frozen in place. Bastard, move. Just fucking move! he cursed himself inwardly. But another voice, one rising from the deepest part of his soul, said: I’m not leaving. If I leave like this, where will Zhi Li go to find me?
Powerless, Ke Bu rested his forehead against the wall. Then, as though punishing himself, he knocked his forehead against it before slowly sliding down the wall until he was kneeling on the ground. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t go anywhere. Everything inside his body had already become Zhi Li’s puppet, capable only of giving in pathetically, so hopelessly pathetically.
In the end, Ke Bu returned to his hospital room and lay back down on the bed.
“Pathetic. Pathetic…” he murmured as he fell asleep.
Strangely, ever since he dreamed about that tunnel after being admitted to the hospital, Ke Bu hadn’t dreamed again. Didn’t people always say that what you thought about during the day appeared in your dreams at night? Apparently Zhi Li wasn’t even willing to enter his dreams anymore.
Ke Bu felt as though he had slept for a very long time, perhaps an entire day. But when he opened his eyes and looked at the clock on the wall, he discovered that only an hour had passed. Someone was sitting beside his hospital bed at the edge of his vision. Ke Bu’s half-closed eyes snapped fully open. He used nearly all his strength to push himself upright and stared at the person sitting in the darkness. That person stared back. Neither of them spoke for a long, long time. This is a dream, right? It has to be a dream.
“Didn’t you say you couldn’t stay with me? Then why are you here? Why… why don’t you just leave me completely!” All his grievance and pain could only be vented toward Zhi Li, and he only wanted to vent it toward Zhi Li. It was an instinct reserved for the person closest to him.
This is my dream. Even if I curse at him, even if I scream at him, he won’t really leave. Aren’t dreams supposed to unfold according to the dreamer’s own will?
“If I could, I would leave you.” Zhi Li answered him, but it wasn’t the answer Ke Bu wanted. What? Wasn’t this a dream? The Zhi Li in his dreams wouldn’t say something this cruel. Ke Bu tried to retreat, but Zhi Li moved closer. They were so close, so incredibly close, yet it felt as though if Zhi Li moved even one finger, Ke Bu would be torn apart, his body left battered and bleeding.
“Ke Bu.”
“Don’t say it. I’m not listening! I’m not listening!”
“Every time we fight, every time you say those things, if I could leave you, I would’ve left a long time ago. I wouldn’t have waited until now. Why the hell would I let one person turn me into this? You lied to me. You forgot me. And I still fucking come back looking for you again and again, this pathetically. You tell me to leave you, but I fucking can’t. So tell me what I’m supposed to do. Tell me what I have to do before I can leave you. This?” Zhi Li smashed the vase beside them, grabbed Ke Bu’s hand, and forced a shard into his palm. “Is it because you haven’t done enough cruel things to me yet that I still can’t let go? Then fucking keep going.”
Ke Bu’s strength couldn’t compete with Zhi Li’s. He shook his head again and again, trying to throw away the sharp shard, desperately trying to pull his hand back. “No! Zhi Li! Please, don’t! Zhi Li! Zhi Li!” The tip of the shard pierced Zhi Li’s skin, and blood ran along its edge into Ke Bu’s palm. So this was what real torture felt like. Ke Bu exhausted every bit of his strength, screamed until he had no strength left to scream, then rested his head against Zhi Li’s shoulder. “Please, Zhi Li. Please. Don’t make me do something like this.” Zhi Li released his hand. The shard fell to the floor with a crisp sound. He stared at the pale wall. “Ke Bu, that’s too unfair. Are you trying to make me soften again? You’re clearly the one trying to run away, yet somehow you’re acting like the victim I’ve been bullying.” He gripped Ke Bu’s shoulders with both hands and pushed him away from his shoulder.
Is Zhi Li going to leave like this again?
This time, I don’t even have the strength to raise my hand and stop him.
If he leaves this time, he won’t come back again, will he?
Ke Bu felt himself slowly dying.
Zhi Li let his arms fall and leaned back into the chair again, his head lowered. Several minutes passed. Then Zhi Li raised one hand and placed it against Ke Bu’s face, his thumb gently stroking Ke Bu’s cheek. “Don’t do this anymore, Ke Bu. Stop pretending you forgot me, okay?”
In a single instant, tears flooded Ke Bu’s face. He couldn’t stop them. He cried silently, violently, the tears pouring without end.
Leave a Reply