Ke Qin had noticed that ever since Ding Luo Yuan returned last time, she often seemed on the verge of saying something, yet always stopped herself. She had been restless and distracted ever since. He did not press her, merely waiting for her to speak when she was ready. Today, Ding Luo Yuan sat opposite him, holding a cup of coffee without drinking it, her head lowered the entire time. After a long while, she finally spoke, the nervousness in her voice unmistakable. “There’s something I think you should know.”
Ke Qin steadied himself and folded the newspaper. “Go ahead.”
“Before I tell you, you have to promise me something. Don’t get angry, and don’t blame him too harshly. What happened truly isn’t right, but I believe we’re also partly responsible for things turning out this way.” Ding Luo Yuan’s words left Ke Qin bewildered. For her to bring up a subject with such solemn seriousness, he could vaguely sense the gravity of the matter. His hand tightened unconsciously. He could not promise anything before hearing what had happened, so he remained silent and waited for her to continue.
“I think… well, Ke Bu seems to…” The moment she mentioned Ke Bu’s name, Ke Qin’s brows tightened. Unease was difficult to conceal on his mature face, and he urgently wanted to know what Ding Luo Yuan was trying to say. “What happened to him?”
Ding Luo Yuan took a deep breath and, as though making up her mind, stated it in the clearest and briefest way possible. “Ke Bu seems to be with another boy. I happened to see them when I went to visit him last time. I haven’t known how to tell you.” Once she finished, she observed Ke Qin’s expression from the corner of her eye. Ke Qin froze, confusion covering his face, as though he could not immediately understand what she meant. He asked without emotion, “What do you mean, he’s with another boy?”
She understood that she had to explain it clearly. “I mean… Ke Bu might be gay.” The final word emerged from her mouth with great difficulty. The instant Ke Qin heard it, his face went pale. His fingers clenched the newspaper, and he stared straight at her with an expression Ding Luo Yuan had never seen before. For some reason, it frightened her.
“Might be?” Ke Qin asked again. This time, she said nothing and lowered her head. Ke Qin’s mind descended into chaos. He did not know how to accept this sudden news. He did not want to believe it and refused to believe it. A feeling called guilt pressed painfully against his heart until he could hardly endure it. He abruptly stood and left Ding Luo Yuan behind without saying a word. Tears streamed continuously down her face as she watched him depart. At that moment, she seemed to sense that once Ke Qin walked away, he would never return to her. For years, Ke Bu’s suffering and transformation after that incident had tormented Ke Qin. This new revelation had undoubtedly destroyed him completely. She had won Ke Qin’s love from Wu Qian, but as punishment, she could never compete with a father’s instinctive love for his child.
Ke Bu did not go directly home. He sat on a bench in the park while Su You Yan sat beside him, turning the pages of her book. “Did you call me all the way out here just so I could look at your miserable face?”
“Do I look that miserable?” Ke Bu gave a bitter smile and touched his face. “Zhi Li and I had a huge fight. Sometimes I truly don’t understand him. No matter how bad or selfish I am, he never interferes, so why does he insist on…” He did not finish.
Su You Yan continued reading quietly, appearing not to have heard him. Only after a long while did she speak faintly. “Do you want him to remain indifferent to your pain?”
“But all he’s doing is adding to it.”
“Ke Bu, no matter where you hide a wound, it will still hurt as long as it hasn’t healed. If you don’t want anyone touching it, then don’t show an expression that says you can’t bear the pain. Your performance of being perfectly fine wasn’t convincing enough, so he noticed. You suffered because Uncle merely punched him once. Doesn’t the same reasoning apply to him? From the moment he discovered your pain, he began suffering the consequences of it too. And considering Zhi Li’s mind, when do you think he first noticed?”
Ke Bu turned and stared at Su You Yan. She stood in a neutral position, neither blaming him nor taking his side, and that gave him an indescribable sense of reassurance. An absurd and ridiculous thought suddenly surfaced in his mind. He stared blankly at Su You Yan and said, “There probably aren’t many men who wouldn’t like you.”
Hearing such an inexplicable remark, Su You Yan could not help raising her face to look at him. Ke Bu continued, “And you like middle-aged men.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?”
“Since my parents can’t possibly be together again, but Sister Ding remains a shadow I can neither accept nor forgive… I was thinking, You Yan, if you became my stepmother, I could accept that.”
The moment Ke Bu finished speaking, the book struck him violently in the face. Su You Yan stood and retrieved the book that had nearly ruined his features. “Given the choice, I would rather become your mother-in-law.”
“So you like men of Zhi Zuo Si’s type?!! Would you like to meet my father? He isn’t bad either. Do you really think you can steal Zhi Zuo Si from Lan Yin? I advise you to lower your standards.”
“You still have the energy to joke, so your mood clearly isn’t that terrible.” After leaving those words behind, Su You Yan walked away. It was true that after talking with her, Ke Bu felt somewhat calmer. He decided that the moment he reached home, he would send Zhi Li a message and pretend their argument had never happened. Zhi Li would remain as he always had, waiting somewhere within reach. Ke Bu only needed to extend his hand, and Zhi Li would pull him into his arms.
He took out his key. The cold metal produced a mechanical groan against the lock, and the door slowly opened. The familiar hallway, the bright lights, and faint murmuring greeted him. Ke Bu paused. He had assumed his father would be at work at this hour. Who was speaking with him? And why was his voice so sorrowful? Ke Bu could hear the sound of his own footsteps against the floor. He walked through the hallway and past the wall of photographs that now existed only in his memories. The moment he stepped into the light, everything seemed like a dream.
Ke Qin and Wu Qian sat together on the sofa.
They both raised their heads and looked at Ke Bu. Something within their gazes pierced directly through his eyes. His body trembled, unable to move, and he could only stare back at them.
They know.
That was the only thought that flashed through Ke Bu’s mind. Immediately afterward, the unease that had nowhere to hide devoured him from every part of his body, leaving nothing behind.
“You came back at the right time. We have something to ask you.”
Ke Bu dragged his stiff body to the sofa opposite them and sat. He placed both hands on his knees, but his fingers could not stop picking at the fabric of his jeans.
“Are you seeing someone?” Ke Qin asked in a pale, powerless voice. That haggard voice lashed Ke Bu’s heart. He nodded, and the room fell silent for a long while. Ke Qin then slowly asked, “Is the other person a man or a woman?” Before Ke Bu could answer, tears had already filled Wu Qian’s eyes.
Ke Bu’s fingers dug painfully into his thigh, yet he felt nothing. He was afraid. He did not want to admit it. He wanted to retreat cowardly into his shell and pretend once more that nothing was wrong. But then Zhi Li’s name flashed through his mind, followed by more and more of him: Zhi Li’s voice, Zhi Li’s smile, Zhi Li’s singing, and the way he looked while drawing.
“A man.”
The moment the fact they did not want to accept came from his own mouth, Wu Qian could no longer restrain herself. She stepped forward and embraced Ke Bu, while Ke Qin stared at the television with an ashen expression. Wu Qian’s crying was so close to Ke Bu that it seemed ready to pierce his eardrums. “It’s all our fault. We’re the reason you became like this. We adults were too selfish and never considered your feelings. Ke Bu, you mustn’t do anything foolish. Have you thought about what you’re doing? You’re still young, so end this strange relationship before it goes any further. Mom won’t blame you. I know you’re rebellious and using yourself to vent your resentment toward us, but you can’t torment and punish us this way.”
“It’s too late.” Ke Bu’s voice contained no emotion. He merely allowed her to hold him. Wu Qian loosened her embrace slightly and looked at him with incomprehension. Ke Bu met her gaze. “From the moment I met him, it was already too late.”
“Do you understand what you’re saying? He’s a man, and you’re a man too. How can you be together? How could you possibly be together? Don’t be foolish! What could that kind of man possibly have that is worth going this far for?” Ke Qin roared, his head aching.
“He isn’t ‘that kind of man.’ His name is Zhi Li. He is Zhi Li. I don’t want anything else. I’ll come home often. I’ll let you marry Ding Luo Yuan. I’ll listen to everything you say from now on. I’ll finish university properly. I’ll change anything you want me to change. So please—could you leave me the one love I want to keep?”
Wu Qian wiped away her tears, stood, and returned to sit beside Ke Qin. It was the same place where they had often held Ke Bu between them while watching television when he was young. Wu Qian’s voice pulled Ke Bu out of his daze. “Your father and I have discussed it. Everything becoming like this was caused by us. So as long as you’re willing to leave him, the three of us can start over. There will be no painful memories, no Ding Luo Yuan, no arguments—only us.”
Wu Qian’s voice became increasingly indistinct, blurring Ke Bu’s senses and his entire world. This was the wish he had carried his whole life. It was what he had prayed for even in his dreams ever since childhood. It was the source of countless tears and the wound he had carried for so long. Now, this unbelievable, dreamlike possibility had been placed before him, tempting his heart.
Their departure had once allowed him to meet Zhi Li.
Now, he was being asked to exchange Zhi Li’s departure for their return.
His dearest wish and his present happiness had been placed on opposite sides of a scale. Whichever way it tipped, his soul would howl in unbearable agony.
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