CD – Chapter 89: Only Because I Cannot Bear to Let Go (Part II)

He Chu San gently traced Xia Liu Yi’s hand, feeling as if he were still dreaming. “You truly came,” he murmured. “These past few days, I’ve been dreaming of you.”

Xia Liu Yi rubbed softly against the hair at his temples, contrasting with He Chu San’s lack of dreams. Unlike He Chu San, he hadn’t slept a moment in two days, his mind consumed by the image of He Chu San lying in his arms, drenched in blood.

From the strands of hair at his temples, Xia Liu Yi caught a fresh, clean scent—newly washed and meticulously cared for. His face and body were pristine and refreshed, unlike the bedridden patients left unattended, drenched in sweat and neglected. He asked softly, “Who’s been taking care of you these past few days?”

“Kevin,” He Chu San replied.

“The boy who stopped me at the ancestral hall?” Xia Liu Yi recalled the young man who had warned him, “Mr. He took two stabs—not for you to ruin his plan at a time like this!”

“Mm.”

“He helped you wash your hair, wipe you down? Even bought this robe?”

“Mm.”

Silence stretched between them for a while. He Chu San tilted his head and kissed him lightly, smiling as he asked, “Jealous?”

“No,” Xia Liu Yi replied in a muffled voice. “I’m grateful to him.” A heavy guilt weighed on his chest, not from jealousy, but from the realization that He Chu San was better than him. At a time like this, he could stay by his side, take care of him properly, while he was useless and self-centered. He knew he only knew how to hurt He Chu San.

He Chu San covered his mouth, silencing him. “Don’t talk nonsense. In this world, aside from Father, you’re the one who cherishes me most. You’ve never hurt me. That day, seeing you cry—I regretted it. No matter how effective that move was in winning Master Qiao’s trust, I shouldn’t have used it. I shouldn’t have made you so upset. I was selfish and cunning. I was the one hurting you.”

Xia Liu Yi shook his head, his trembling lips brushing against He Chu San’s palm. He wanted to speak, but He Chu San wouldn’t let him—because He Chu San was on the verge of tears again, like a crybaby. He had once mocked He Chu San for being a crybaby, but now, those reddened eyes were both heartbreaking and irresistible.

Unable to resist, He Chu San leaned in and kissed him. He lacked strength and could only kiss him gently, softly, like one might cautiously kiss a curled-up, trembling cat.

He wished he could press this cat beneath him, lick away its tears, stroke its soft belly, enter it, make it narrow its eyes and let out soft, languid, enchanting sounds until it was so overwhelmed with pleasure that it forgot how to cry.

He forcibly suppressed that dangerous impulse, conserving his strength as he continued those light kisses. Xia Liu Yi, mindful of his injuries, didn’t dare respond too fervently. His warm, soft “cat’s tongue” merely brushed lightly along his lips—retreating, then venturing out again in gentle invitation.

He Chu San felt his blood pressure rising.

He dared not continue. Resting against Xia Liu Yi’s firm, resilient chest, he took a long moment to steady himself. Then, rubbing his face against the Boss’s chest muscles in contented affection, he murmured sweetly, “Brother Liu Yi…”

That single call softened Xia Liu Yi’s heart into syrup. “Mm.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t do something so self-destructive again. Everything I know, everything I’m about to do—I’ll tell you all of it.”

“Mm.” Xia Liu Yi pressed a kiss to his hair. “I’ll tell you everything too.”

Curled up on that narrow hospital bed, they spoke in hushed tones for a long time. Xia Liu Yi revealed the entire truth about the Old Shopkeeper to He Chu San without any concealment. In turn, He Chu San candidly shared everything he had uncovered, every step of his upcoming plan—even including his collaboration with Lu Guang Ming. That day, Lu Guang Ming had received them in the villa’s secret passage and helped rescue Cui Dong Dong and Xiao Luo.

Xia Liu Yi didn’t mind his collaboration with the ICAC investigator; he was only deeply concerned about the plan itself. “No, it’s too dangerous for you.”

“Trust me. It’s not dangerous—I have the ability to carry it out,” He Chu San said firmly yet gently.

“…” Xia Liu Yi stroked his hair, a pang of bitterness rising in his chest. He Chu San was protecting him. That once frail, scholarly youth—who had neither strength nor ties to the turbulent jianghu—had transformed into a man willing to give everything to shield him from the wind and rain.

Did he believe in He Chu San’s capability? Of course he did.

He was only… ashamed.

And unwilling to let go.

He Chu San turned his face and kissed him again by the lips, soothing him, then changed the subject. “I went to see Father before.”

Xia Liu Yi jolted upright from his guilt. “What? You… he… did he hit you again?”

He Chu San laughed. “No. Father said I was led astray by you. I told him I was the one who pursued you first. Then Father asked me: ‘Why would you take a liking to such a thing? What do you even like about him?’”

“…” Xia Liu Yi was rendered speechless.

Wasn’t that the truth? A crude, rough-edged thug like him, hands stained and steeped in the underworld—compared to He Chu San, a clean and accomplished son from a proper family—what else could he be but “such a thing”?

Anxious and unwilling, he tightened his arms around He Chu San. He knew he was unworthy of him—unworthy of the wholehearted devotion He Chu San had given him, regardless of everything.

“How did you respond to him?”

“I told him there’s no answer to that question. In mathematics, every problem has a solution, every phenomenon leaves a trace—one day, everything can be precisely calculated. That’s what I believed my entire life. However, after meeting you, I realized feelings can’t be measured or explained. They have no origin, no pattern—they’re beyond our control. Did I suddenly fall for you at some point, for some reason? I don’t think so. It was every moment, every version of you, that moved my heart. In my opinion, everything about you is good—even your bad temper, I like it.”

“Mm,” Xia Liu Yi said softly. “I like you too. I like everything about you.”

“…”

“What are you laughing at?”

“You suddenly being this mushy—I’m not used to it…”

“What, you’re allowed to be mushy but I’m not? You even said all that mushy stuff to Father!”

“Hey, stop touching—that tickles, hahahaha…”

They laughed and played for a while. Xia Liu Yi didn’t dare tire him out; after pinching his earlobe for a bit, he stopped, instead wrapping him close and gently nibbling at the back of his neck. “Then what did Father say after that?”

He Chu San coughed lightly. “He said, ‘I worked so hard to send you to school—was it just so you could make something as foolish as liking such a thing sound so nice?’”

“…”

“Don’t take it to heart, he was joking,” He Chu San said with a smile. “Father has never disliked you. He’s always cared about you. Behind your back, he calls you ‘Cavity Kid’, and from time to time he’ll ask me, ‘How’s that Cavity Kid been lately?’ He just… feels it’s a pity that you’ve taken the underworld path.”

Xia Liu Yi buried his face in the crook of his neck, too ashamed to show it. In truth, every time they met, he could sense the elder’s concerned, admonishing care—though it always left him so embarrassed he wanted to flee.

“And then?” he asked quietly.

“And then Father asked me, ‘Are you truly happy with him? What kind of life can he give you?’”

Xia Liu Yi’s head was too heavy to lift. If he had been there, he would have pressed his face to the ground and begged for forgiveness.

What kind of life had he given He Chu San?

Willful, hot-tempered, and reckless—despite being older, he was the one constantly being cared for and tolerated. He impulsively rushed into danger, got himself hurt, and made He Chu San worry endlessly. And worst of all, he stubbornly pursued revenge at all costs, dragging He Chu San into this very situation.

He had wronged Father.

He was a disgrace among disgraceful people.

He Chu San sensed Xia Liu Yi’s guilt and took his hand, gently stroking his long fingers and interlacing them. “I told Father: he truly doesn’t know how to live properly. He can burn a kitchen just by cooking noodles. When he’s sick, he still smokes and drinks. He’s stubborn and quick to lose his temper when arguing. He only understands jianghu loyalty, not right and wrong, so he doesn’t know how to walk the right path, to be a good man…”

Xia Liu Yi blushed crimson with embarrassment, trying to pull his hand away, but He Chu San held it tight and continued,

“But if someone shows him even a little kindness, he repays it tenfold. If he receives help or care, he’ll repay it with his very life. He takes excellent care of the brothers and sisters under him, without a shred of selfishness. Everyone respects him, everyone likes him. He’ll rush without hesitation to save me from a collapsing beam. When someone points a gun at him, he shields me behind him. He’ll catch a blade with his bare hands for me—even crippling one of his own. He allowed me to like him, to approach him, accepting my love bit by bit. For the sake of kissing me, he brushes his teeth every day. For me, he quit smoking and drinking, even his bad temper. He takes me to the movies, to big meals, to the seaside, to the mountains. He understands nothing of romance, yet still sets off fireworks for me…”

As he spoke, He Chu San pressed Xia Liu Yi’s warm palm against his own cool cheek.

“He may not be adept at self-love, but he has always cherished me profoundly. He’s willing to change himself for me, to learn how to be loved and to love in return. Being with him fills me with immense happiness.”

“Enough, enough,” Xia Liu Yi lifted his head, his face and ears ablaze with embarrassment. “I’m not as good as you claim, not that…” His voice faltered, and he buried his face again, like an ostrich. In a hushed tone, he added, “I… I genuinely love you. From now on, I’ll make you happy.”

He Chu San smiled. “I’m already content.”

“Then… what did Father say after that?”

“He agreed. He suggested that we could stay together for a while and observe how things unfold.”

Xia Liu Yi’s eyes widened in disbelief.

Someone like me… and those melodramatic, soap-opera-like words of yours… and he still agreed? Did the old man lose his mind?

He was acutely aware that it couldn’t have been so simple. There must have been intense, even cruel arguments that He Chu San chose to omit. He also understood that he owed Father a proper explanation—and an apology, in person.

Joy and guilt intertwined within him as he buried his face once more. After a long pause, he spoke softly,

“A’San.”

“Mm?”

“Next time you visit Father… please take me along.”

He Chu San smiled. “Alright.”

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