Because of all the things that had happened lately, Qin Siyu had come to understand one thing with perfect clarity: they couldn’t go on like this.
Otherwise, what would happen?
Would they be beaten to death someday? Would it play out as it had in his dream, with each trying to take the blame before both were killed? Or would they buy a boat, live at sea for ten years, and then die of illness?
Like which of the couples he had seen in the hospital?
Should they stay on land, or flee to the ocean?
Now he had witnessed two possible outcomes for homosexual lovers with his own eyes.
Kingsley’s future was bright. He was the only son of the Aston family, young and handsome, with a lifetime of honors already to his name. His life was everything other people admired and longed for. Whether he went into business or politics, he might well be among the most successful people in American history. He was only nineteen, yet everyone already knew he was a genius.
For a man like that, was it better to be beaten to death or to die after years of wandering?
Kingsley was different.
He was different from other people.
They should stop, while they could still turn back, before Kingsley’s feelings became too deep to reverse.
Perhaps this was the right thing to do. After all, they had only known each other, in any meaningful sense, for a little over a year.
One year and three months.
Kingsley was mad, but Qin Siyu was not.
Besides, could Lin Xiangmei bear it?
He recalled how she had said, “Thank goodness I still have you.”
Just then Aston called again. His voice was light and cheerful. “Sean.”
Qin Siyu wanted to say “Kingsy,” but couldn’t get the word out. He only said, “Mm?”
“Are you coming home tonight?” Aston sounded pleased. “There’s a present I want to give you.”
“…All right,” Qin Siyu said. “Actually, there’s something… I want to talk to you about.”
Silence fell on the other end of the line.
Aston seemed to sense that something was changing. But he wasn’t the sort of man to run from things. After a pause, he answered, “All right.”
Before going to the house in the Sunset District, Qin Siyu showered and made himself completely clean. He didn’t want his appearance that evening to seem even more hateful when Aston remembered it afterward.
Though whatever he did, Aston would probably hate it.
He rang the doorbell. Within seconds Aston came to open the door.
Qin Siyu opened his mouth, but no sound emerged. Aston still seemed to be holding on to hope. He took Qin Siyu by the wrist and drew him inside. “Sean, I found a recording with the call of the hwamei thrush. You can hear the birds your grandmother loved most.”
Qin Siyu parted his lips again. He knew he couldn’t follow him in. Several times he tried to say what he had come to say, only for the words to stick in his throat.
Aston simply watched him quietly.
Finally, after a long while, Qin Siyu forced out the words: “Kingsley, we can’t keep doing this.”
Something dimmed in Aston’s eyes. “Why?”
“Over the past few days, I met two male homosexuals and two female homosexuals.” Qin Siyu began telling him what had happened, trying to explain himself clearly. Yet he couldn’t control his emotions, and his voice grew agitated. “We have no future! Is it better to be beaten to death someday? Or to run away and die after years of wandering? Both couples were driven to despair, Kingsley. Their bodies were mangled! One man’s nose was crooked and half his lip was hanging off. His skull was full of blood, his brain pushed to one side! Another man’s ribs snapped into pieces and pierced his lung, and blood kept spraying from his nose! Another had a tumor in her stomach and a huge hole through it. Food and bacteria spilled into her abdominal cavity, and she passed out from the pain! At least two of them are going to die! Do you hear me? They’re going to die! Rosa, the one who survives, will surely spend the rest of her life in unbearable misery, having lost her lover and blaming herself. And as for Ben, he might never have shown such ugliness in ordinary circumstances. Judging by his clothes he was a respectable man. But he caused the death of his lover to save himself. He isn’t even fit to be called human anymore. Two literally dead, two living dead. They’re our warning, our mirror, our future, the fate waiting for us!”
For some reason, Aston’s eyes were an almost uncanny shade of blue that day. “You’re frightened?” he asked. “That’s all it takes to frighten you?”
Qin Siyu’s heart felt as though it were being cut apart. Even his fingertips were numb. “Yes! I’m frightened! I’m not as crazy as you!”
Aston said, “I thought you weren’t afraid of anything. You’ve fought white men and officials. You went to save people knowing there was a bear nearby. I thought you were afraid of nothing.”
But I am, Qin Siyu thought. I’m afraid you’ll end up like those men. I’m afraid that one day the person lying in the hospital will be you.
“Yes, I’m afraid!” After acting for a while, it was as though he had fallen into the role himself. Suddenly he raised his voice. “I’m Chinese! And I’m the one in the receptive role, the one treated as a woman! You’re white, you’re the other one, and you’re Kingsley Aston. Everyone will find excuses to defend you! I won’t be so lucky! If this is exposed someday, they’ll only say I seduced you! I’m afraid. Is there something wrong with that?”
Aston said, “If we’re ever discovered, I’ll say I forced you.”
I know you’ll say you forced me, Qin Siyu thought. That’s exactly why this has to end. The people who envy you and hate you won’t let you go. It will be their only chance to destroy you.
If you could just blame everything on me too, I wouldn’t want to leave.
Over the past few days he had remembered that nightmare again and again.
The mutilated male lovers, the desperate female lovers.
Yet the words that emerged from his mouth were knives. “I don’t need you to do that,” Qin Siyu said. “Sacrifice yourself for me? I don’t want to bear a burden like that. How would that make me different from the man who claimed he’d been forced? Whether I deliberately direct the violence at you or passively let you take it all, what’s the difference?”
What he was saying was becoming more and more cruel. But Qin Siyu thought, If I play the villain and take the blame on myself, might Kingsy find it a little easier to move on?
“Kingsley, you’re not homosexual!” Qin Siyu continued. “And neither am I! Neither of us is! Before last year I’d never even considered anything like this. We both have other choices! It was all a mistake, a joke. We were only swept away by infatuation for a while. Now everything should go back to the right path. Let’s put everything back where it belongs right now, Kingsley.”
Those icy-blue eyes merely watched him.
Qin Siyu’s voice began to tremble. “We really can’t go on… Kingsley, let’s stop here and return to normal lives before everything collapses.”
He couldn’t even say “break up,” because they had never formally been together.
But perhaps that was something to be grateful for. They had never truly become homosexuals. When Aston returned to a normal life, when the passion faded and he forgot Qin Siyu, when he had a wife and children he loved, perhaps he would look back on this period and feel relieved.
“Stop talking, Sean,” Aston interrupted. “Don’t say any more.”
At the end of his patience, Aston suddenly stepped forward, caught Qin Siyu’s head between his hands, and silenced him with a kiss.
The kiss was far too forceful. Aston’s lips parted Qin Siyu’s and his tongue tangled with his.
Urgent and overwhelming, as if he could pull everything back to yesterday.
A shock raced through Qin Siyu. His lower abdomen weakened. He wanted to move, wanted to refuse, but their kisses seemed so perfectly suited to one another that no amount of effort could stop him from responding.
Aston kissed him so insistently that he couldn’t utter another word to hurt him. Yet Qin Siyu couldn’t accept being overpowered when he had come to end things. He seized Aston and kissed him back fiercely, partly in answer and partly to fight for control. He grasped the back of Aston’s neck, pressing their mouths together even harder, even more savagely. They kissed almost frantically, until their lips and tongues tasted of blood. Their hands found each other again, and they held and kissed one another tightly.
In the end Qin Siyu wrapped both arms around Aston, one about his shoulders and the other around his waist. Aston’s back was strong and warm. Qin Siyu clung to that warmth, memorizing it, greedy for every moment. He wanted to remember it for the rest of his life, until the day he died. He couldn’t bear to let go.
Then, just as Qin Siyu was about to lose his resolve, reason abruptly returned. He pushed Aston away with all his strength and wiped his mouth. There was blood on his lips. “Let’s stop here, Kingsley. It really has to end! Otherwise both of us are going to die! Do you understand? We will die!”
“Then let us die,” Aston said.
He’s insane, Qin Siyu thought. Completely insane. He drew a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. “Mr. Aston.”
Aston’s expression changed.
No more “Kingsy.” Not even “Kingsley.”
“You’re willing to die, but I’m not,” Qin Siyu said. “Let’s separate.”
He pushed past Aston and headed upstairs. There were still a few things in the room that he needed to collect and take away.
Aston remained where he stood, tall and rigid, his voice cold. “Mr. Chin, do you really think you can end everything with a few sentences? Do you think I’m so easily used?”
Qin Siyu stopped and looked back.
Aston’s jaw tightened. “I’ve saved your life. Leave aside what happened when we were children. In the past year alone I’ve saved you twice, in prison and in Yosemite, and I’ve done everything I could to please you. What have you ever given me in return? I haven’t even seen it. You take everything you want from me, and now you plan to get married and live your carefree little life?”
Qin Siyu was silent for a long time. Then he asked, “Do you really want to see it that badly?”
Aston’s fingertips clenched, then relaxed. In truth, he only wanted to say something cruel. He turned away, his voice as calm and cold as before. “It’s not a question of wanting or not wanting. I’ve never allowed anyone to use me completely for their own advantage.”
Qin Siyu stood for a while. “All right. I understand.”
Then he turned and went upstairs.
Aston stood in the living room for a while, trying to compose himself.
Once again he felt the anguish of being abandoned as a child.
Strange. He should have been used to it by now.
A little pain came through his chest. Aston rested a palm over his heart, lowered his eyes for a few seconds, then let his hand drop.
A noise seemed to come from upstairs. Aston stood still for several seconds, then finally turned toward the stairs.
It was coming from the bathroom. He reached the doorway, looked in, and immediately saw Qin Siyu sitting inside.
Water was pouring into the bathtub. Qin Siyu sat inside, knees hugged to his chest, head lowered, curled up naked at one end like a small animal. Two layers of black cotton cloth covered his eyes, making a blindfold. His dark hair fell lightly at either side of his face. One of the hands wrapped around his knees held some sort of object.
Two minutes later he turned off the water. It was as if he knew Aston was standing at the door. He froze for a moment, the fingers of the hand holding his arm faintly whitening. Then, at last, he made up his mind. He leaned back against the side of the tub, slid down into the water, and slowly parted his legs.
The lower half of his body was submerged. And he had already—
His legs had always been beautiful, pale and slender, perfectly proportioned, and now they spread slightly, his feet pressing against the white porcelain at the bottom of the tub. There was strength in those legs, straight bones and smooth skin. Whenever he exerted himself, the muscles tightened, outlining his thighs and calves and showing the long tendons at his ankles.
The red “peace and safety” cord still encircled his ankle. Its complex weaving had darkened in the water, and part of it floated upward. His toes curled with effort, the veins standing out over the backs of his feet.
With his free hand, Qin Siyu touched himself shakily. Everything he knew about his own body, every motion, had been taught to him by Aston during the past weeks.
The first step, the second, the third and fourth… all of it was Kingsley Aston’s technique.
He would carry the other man’s mark for the rest of his life.
After a while, he set the object down with his other hand, then moved his fingers away from his body.
He was struggling terribly. Qin Siyu bit his lower lip, reopening the wound left by their frantic kiss. Blood stained his lip.
Still biting it, he forced himself to relax, then picked up the object from the water again.
This time Aston finally saw what it was.
It was the imitation object Qin Siyu had used as a model when demonstrating latex condoms to Aston, shortly after they first met.
It was large, similar to Aston himself. He had once used it for a demonstration.
Qin Siyu had no idea how to do this. Half submerged in the bath, with his knees apart, he coated the model with soap, especially its tip.
He used one hand to steady himself and the other to hold the object.
He knew he was humiliating himself. But if this could humiliate him, if it could make Aston feel even slightly better, he was willing.
What happened to himself did not matter.
It was difficult. Qin Siyu was desperately unhappy. Both hands seemed helpless, and he kept biting his lip. Suddenly he pushed harder, finally managing to insert the tip.
Aston wanted to stop him. In the end, no sound came from his mouth.
Going any farther was far too difficult. Qin Siyu tried repeatedly but couldn’t manage it. He adjusted his grip and made more attempts, without success.
After a long struggle, he had managed perhaps a quarter of the length.
Yet when Qin Siyu imagined the object was Kingsy, he actually became aroused.
His eyes were hidden behind the blindfold. As he imagined it was Aston, warmth spread through his abdomen. Knowing Aston was watching and that he was putting on this display for him, he became more physically excited. His other hand reached forward.
He parted his lips and leaned against the bathtub, head tilted back, breathing softly. The heat and steam made it harder for him to breathe. His legs tightened and his toes curled. His hands were occupied, splashing water everywhere as it sloshed around him.
Scenes from their past played one after another through his mind.
Kingsy kissing his lips, nuzzling his neck, lifting his legs…
He held the object in his right hand and imagined that they were truly joined.
Unable to see, he felt time stretch without end, his imagination growing stronger.
He seemed almost like an offering upon an altar, wanting Aston to receive at least something from him.
Aston tried to remain unmoved, but to his sorrow he discovered that even with so much anger in his heart, his blood still rushed through his body.
He was still painfully aroused.
Qin Siyu reached his climax through imagination alone.
At that instant he couldn’t help softly crying “Kingsy,” then immediately swallowed the word, desperately hoping Aston hadn’t heard it.
The bathwater clouded. At the same time Aston saw two streams of tears escape from beneath Qin Siyu’s blindfold and run down his cheeks.
There was no happiness in Qin Siyu at that moment. He felt only that his heart had been pierced by a thousand arrows, as if a sharp knife were twisting inside it.
He had imagined they would part with dignity. In the end, it wasn’t dignified at all.
The water had grown cold. After a long while, Qin Siyu heard the bathroom door close, followed by footsteps descending the stairs. Finally the front door shut with a bang.
The two of them were over.