Shao Wu rushed into the stairwell and looked at Yang Shuyi through the gap between two electrical wires, watching him stride across the road in that gray jacket before raising a hand to hail a taxi. Shao Wu did not chase after him, because even if he caught up, he would not know what to say. He had asked Yang Shuyi to tell the truth, and Yang Shuyi had. Five percent. Shao Wu understood that five percent did not mean Yang Shuyi liked him, so what exactly did five percent mean?
Maybe the meaning of five percent was simply that it was a little more than one percent. At least you could no longer say it was approaching zero, right?
Shao Wu turned back into the dorm, shut the door, and collapsed onto the bed.
By now, every encounter with Yang Shuyi felt like walking through a mountain of blades and a sea of fire. It was not that it was unbearably painful. It was that every sensation was too vivid. When Yang Shuyi’s hands had closed over his shoulders, Shao Wu had discovered that his heart was capable of beating that hard. Every emotion rising and falling like waves, hesitation, anticipation, disappointment, all of it existed because of Yang Shuyi.
Shao Wu kicked off his jeans and thermal pants, then walked bare-legged to the door and picked up Yang Shuyi’s umbrella. It was Yang Shuyi’s umbrella, a light-gray folding umbrella. Yang Shuyi’s hand had held that wooden handle. Shao Wu gripped it tightly as droplets of rain fell steadily onto the floor, gathering into a small puddle.
Within only a few minutes, Shao Wu became aroused.
One thought kept replaying in his head: This is Yang Shuyi’s umbrella. Yang Shuyi carried it with him. Yang Shuyi’s palm wrapped around it. After it dried, Yang Shuyi patiently folded each crease in the same direction. Perhaps on every clear day, it rested quietly at the bottom of Yang Shuyi’s bag.
This belongs to Yang Shuyi.
Shao Wu clenched the umbrella hard enough for the veins in his arm to stand out. He knew he could use it to satisfy himself now. It belonged to Yang Shuyi. If he kept repeating that thought, if he rubbed against the umbrella handle for a moment, he could come immediately, immediately.
But that would be too despicable, wouldn’t it? Using Yang Shuyi’s belongings for sexual release without permission, like a thief. That was too despicable, wasn’t it? Even if Yang Shuyi would never know, Shao Wu gritted his teeth and held the umbrella tightly, thinking, Even if he never knows, I still can’t. He did not want to push himself into such a pitiful state. He could not have the person, so he would use the man’s umbrella instead? It was so self-deceiving that it crossed into shamelessness.
But the more he thought that way, the more insistently his body reacted. In some dark corner of his consciousness, animal instinct seemed to cast him a mocking smile and whisper, This is Yang Shuyi’s umbrella.
Breathing hard, Shao Wu suddenly pressed the umbrella against his lower abdomen.
The cold rainwater quickly soaked through his underwear. He shivered from the chill as the water gradually ran down the insides of his thighs, past his calves and ankles. It felt like ice sliding over his legs, painfully cold.
A few minutes later, Shao Wu lowered the umbrella, his lips trembling.
In the end, he did not come. The clamoring reaction in his body gradually subsided under the icy rainwater.
Did that count as winning? In countless moments no one knew about, Shao Wu had fought against himself again and again for Yang Shuyi, against animal instinct and against the impulse to love him. Countless times he had wanted so badly to find him, to call him, to tell him, I love you. I love you so, so much. But in the face of all of it, the only thing he could do was endure, then keep enduring. He knew that the moment he failed to hold back, whatever relationship remained between them would be over.
He had held back, and one percent had become five percent. So could he allow himself to imagine that one day, five percent might become twenty percent, fifty percent, even one hundred percent?
The next day, the rain cleared. Zhu Jingjing came to Shao Wu’s office with swollen eyelids and a takeout container of pickled-radish duck soup.
“Shao Wu, Shao Wu.” She blinked at him, looking a little guilty. “You haven’t eaten lunch yet, right?”
“Not yet. Are you sober now?”
“I am, I am.” Zhu Jingjing slipped inside and set the duck soup on his desk. “I really didn’t mean to get that drunk yesterday. It was just… ugh, they were so annoying. They insisted on mixing red wine and beer, and then I got drunk.”
“Mm. Don’t drink like that next time.”
“I know. So… when you came to get me yesterday, nothing happened, right?”
Shao Wu said, “What could have happened?”
“I seem to remember Yang Shuyi helping you take me back…”
Shao Wu sighed. “Do you remember what you told him?”
Zhu Jingjing lowered her head and twisted her hands together without speaking.
She clearly knew that in her drunken state she had let the truth slip and told Yang Shuyi about Shao Wu’s graduate-school recommendation. Otherwise, she would not have come carrying duck soup and looking this guilty.
“It’s fine.” Shao Wu smiled at her reassuringly. “He didn’t say much.”
“Really?”
“What could he say? He doesn’t… he doesn’t like men.”
Zhu Jingjing looked up at Shao Wu, her long eyelashes trembling as though she wanted to say something. In the end, she only nodded. “Let’s not talk about that. Drink the soup. This place makes really good duck soup.”
Shao Wu could tell that she wanted to persuade him, but she also knew it would do no good, so she let the matter drop.
December was always busy. Final exams, score analysis, end-of-year reports… Shao Wu had no choice but to squeeze paper-writing into whatever spare moments he could find. By the time winter break began in mid-January, he had already written two papers for Principal Gao, both related to high-school education. Principal Gao read them with a grin that would not leave his face and declared himself extremely satisfied.
Shao Wu smiled too. “If there’s anything you think needs changing, I can take them back and revise them.”
“Excellent, excellent. No problems at all!” Principal Gao’s tone was affectionate. “Our Xiao Shao really is an outstanding graduate of Chongqing University. There’s nothing to criticize about these papers. I’ll send them to the editorial office tomorrow and have them take a look!”
“You’re giving me too much credit.”
“Haha, that isn’t empty praise! When this batch of new teachers first came to the school, I told Wang Shougang, ‘That Shao Wu is one of our own No. 2 High students. Make sure you cultivate him properly!’ And look at that, I was right. In the end, the students our own school trained are the ones you can trust!” Principal Gao crossed one leg over the other as he flipped noisily through the sheets of A4 paper.
After exchanging a few more pleasantries, Shao Wu left the principal’s office with a smile.
With Spring Festival approaching, the school had distributed plenty of New Year goods to the teachers: two boxes of fruit, one box of cured pork, and one box of sausage for each person. Shao Wu had no intention of taking the goods home. His parents’ workplaces distributed New Year goods too, and every year people gave them gifts on top of that. He knew the family did not lack these things. He planned to meet up with Zhu Jingjing and go to the mall to buy his parents some clothes and shoes, while Zhu Jingjing bought things for hers.
Shao Wu planned to take his New Year goods to Yang Shuyi’s home. The New Year was almost here, and he ought to go visit Grandma too.
On the twenty-fifth day of the twelfth lunar month, the day before the Grade 12 students went on break, Shao Wu went to Humanities Class 3 and called Longlong outside. It was early in the morning, and the girl was clearly still half-asleep, her eyes narrowed. “Brother Shao Wu, what is it?”
“Aren’t you going on break tomorrow?” Shao Wu said. “After school tomorrow, I’ll go home with you and visit Grandma.”
“Eh, tomorrow… tomorrow…”
“Would that be inconvenient?”
“No, no. I was going to say tomorrow is perfect.” Longlong smiled, looking a little impish. “My brother is coming back tomorrow too. I think he’s bringing his girlfriend with him. The house will be lively.”
“Oh, I see.” Shao Wu smiled too. “Then it’ll be… lively.”
So he was already bringing Zou Xin home for New Year? They were probably going to get married soon. Shao Wu seemed to hear a crisp crack, as though something had snapped in two. He did not know what it was. He felt surprisingly calm. He had known this day would come. It had simply arrived a little sooner than he expected.
“Then it’s settled!” Longlong said cheerfully. “Tomorrow after school, we’ll go home together.”
“No problem. I’ll wait for you on the first floor.” But what about that five percent? What did five percent count for, then?
Shao Wu drifted back to his office in a daze, sat down, then took out his phone and ordered a bouquet of lisianthus. Since he would be seeing Yang Shuyi and his girlfriend tomorrow, he thought he should at least try, try, to appear a little more gracious and openhearted, even though he knew he could never truly feel that way. If he was only deceiving himself, then so be it. He wanted to seem a little more gracious, a little more normal. At this point, he had no choice but to lie to himself.
He would give the New Year goods to Grandma and the flowers to Yang Shuyi and Zou Xin, wishing them a happy New Year as though he were a sincere, dependable old friend.