The three of them got into a taxi. Yang Shuyi sat in the front passenger seat, while Shao Wu and Zhu Jingjing sat in the back.
“Shao Wu… you came…” Zhu Jingjing opened her eyes halfway and rubbed her cheek against Shao Wu’s shoulder. To keep her from knocking her head against anything, Shao Wu had no choice but to free one hand and wrap it around her shoulders. The two of them looked as intimate as could be.
Yang Shuyi sat in the front without saying a word, but his gaze kept falling on the two of them through the rearview mirror. Shao Wu met his eyes only once before he no longer dared look up. Yang Shuyi’s gaze was so cold it seemed to shed ice chips. It was, truly, a little frightening.
Shao Wu thought nervously, What did I do to make him angry? Not going to the wedding? Surely not. Whether I went or not was my own business and had nothing to do with Yang Shuyi. Then… could it be because Zhu Jingjing and I are “dating”?
Could Yang Shuyi be jealous?
The moment the thought appeared, Shao Wu laughed at himself. He actually dared imagine Yang Shuyi being jealous over him. So being single too long really did give people bizarre ideas. How could that possibly be true? If he really were dating Zhu Jingjing, Yang Shuyi would probably be happy instead. Hadn’t he even asked Longlong whether Shao Wu had a girlfriend? This was exactly what he wanted.
That man who liked him like some lunatic had finally become “normal.”
Shao Wu looked up and once again met Yang Shuyi’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Yang Shuyi’s face was expressionless. His dark eyes held more than coldness; there seemed to be something complicated buried deep inside them, like scalding magma rolling underground where no light could reach.
Shao Wu felt even more on edge. The taxi’s heater was turned up too high, and his cheeks felt hot, his ears felt hot, even his breathing felt stuffy.
He rolled down the window. Damp, cold air immediately rushed inside, making him feel much better.
But less than two minutes later, the driver pressed a button, and with a low whir the window automatically rolled back up.
Shao Wu: “…”
Shao Wu coughed awkwardly. “Driver, could you open the window? It’s a little stuffy.”
“Good grief, how can you be so bad at taking care of people?” The gray-haired driver shook his head with the air of a seasoned expert. “Drunk people can’t be exposed to wind like that. They catch colds easily!”
Shao Wu had not thought of that. All he could say was, “Oh. Then… thank you.”
“Honestly, one look and I can tell you’ve never been a father.” The driver turned the wheel and kept talking. “It’s one thing if your wife isn’t pregnant. Once she is, she absolutely can’t be exposed to cold wind. Lots of pregnant women catch a cold from a little chill and miscarry! When you become a dad someday, you’ll have to pay attention to all these things…”
How did this get more and more ridiculous?
Shao Wu hurriedly cut him off and forcibly changed the subject. “Yongchuan has changed so much these past few years. I almost don’t recognize this road anymore.” The road he meant was the one in front of No. 2 High, running beside the river. The night market and street stalls were gone, replaced by neat, clean storefronts.
“They’re demolishing and rebuilding everything these days.” The driver smiled. “Still, Yongchuan has definitely changed for the better.”
“Mm. That’s true…”
A few minutes later, the taxi finally stopped in front of No. 2 High. Yang Shuyi silently took out his wallet and paid the fare.
It was still raining. Shao Wu awkwardly dragged Zhu Jingjing out of the car while Yang Shuyi stood beside them holding the umbrella over both.
“Thanks…” Shao Wu said softly. “I can take her back to the dorm myself.”
Yang Shuyi said, “I’ll come with you.”
After the ride over, at least his tone was no longer as cold as it had been at the hotel.
The teachers’ dormitory was in a residential compound one alley away from the school. Shao Wu knew Zhu Jingjing’s roommate was also a PE teacher. Since it was raining today, she definitely would not have classes. Besides, it would not be convenient for two grown men to enter the women’s dormitory.
Shao Wu called the roommate. Luckily, she was in the dorm. She came downstairs quickly and helped Shao Wu support Zhu Jingjing back inside.
“It was our classmate’s wedding. I didn’t expect her to drink this much.” Standing at the dorm entrance, Shao Wu asked helplessly, “She might still throw up later.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be in the dorm all afternoon.”
“Good… If anything happens, call me.” Shao Wu nodded to her. “Sorry to trouble you.”
After closing the front door behind them, the stairwell abruptly fell silent. A few seconds later, even the sound-activated light went out. Shao Wu looked down through a narrow window and saw Yang Shuyi standing there beneath an umbrella, completely motionless.
Unfortunately, the umbrella hid his face, so Shao Wu could not see his expression.
In those few brief minutes just now, Shao Wu had suddenly realized another possibility.
Did Yang Shuyi think he was deceiving Zhu Jingjing?
It was true that some gay men pretended to be straight, dated women, married them, and even had children with them. There were many reasons: family pressure, money, or simply wanting a woman to bear children for them. Shao Wu wondered, Does Yang Shuyi think I’m that kind of person?
So this is really the kind of person I am in Yang Shuyi’s eyes?
But when he thought about it carefully, perhaps it was not so surprising. If Yang Shuyi knew anything about the gay scene, then he would know what a frivolous, indulgent world it could be. For people who had already waded through seas of romance and desire, lying to some girl might not seem like much at all.
Shao Wu clenched his fist, stamped hard enough to trigger the sound-activated light, and walked downstairs.
He saw Yang Shuyi, and Yang Shuyi saw him. Yet Shao Wu suddenly realized he did not even know how to address him. Yang Shuyi? Too stiff. Shuyi? He did not dare be that intimate. And besides, why had Yang Shuyi followed him all the way here? Just to condemn him? It was cold today, and raining too. How miserable.
“Shao Wu.” In the end, Yang Shuyi spoke first. “Come here.”
His tone sounded fairly normal.
Shao Wu stepped into the rain, walked a few paces, then entered the shelter of Yang Shuyi’s umbrella.
Yang Shuyi was half a head taller than him. Holding the umbrella above them, he seemed to enclose the two of them inside a sealed little space. His gaze pressed down over Shao Wu completely, leaving him both flustered and stirred.
It had been far, far too long since he had looked at Yang Shuyi from this close.
Shao Wu did not realize he had swallowed.
“Let’s find somewhere convenient to talk.” Yang Shuyi looked away. “There’s something I want to tell you.”
“Ah. Okay, okay.” Shao Wu stared blankly. “Would a café work? There’s one by the school gate.”
“Sure.”
Shao Wu started walking toward the café with Yang Shuyi, but after only a few steps Yang Shuyi stopped and lightly tapped Shao Wu’s arm with one finger. “Your clothes are wet.”
They were. Shao Wu had not worn an overcoat when he went to the cafeteria for lunch. He had only put on a knitted jacket, assuming he would eat and head right back to the office.
On the way from the hotel to Zhu Jingjing’s dorm, all the hauling and supporting had left him caught in quite a bit of rain. Now both sleeves of the knitted jacket were soaked through, heavy with water.
He really did look a mess.
Shao Wu wiped rainwater from his face and asked Yang Shuyi, “Then should I go back to my dorm first and change?”
Yang Shuyi, as though some wire in his head had crossed, asked instead, “Can I go see your dorm?”
“…”
Shao Wu was genuinely dumbfounded. What was there to see in his dorm? And he was going back to change clothes. Did Yang Shuyi not find that a little awkward?
Right. To a straight man, another man changing clothes probably isn’t a big deal at all.
Shao Wu forced himself to say, “If you want to see it, come upstairs.” Luckily, his roommate had been away on a training course these past few days and was not in the dorm at all.
No. 2 High’s teachers’ dormitory was hardly better than the student dorms. It had originally been converted from student housing. Shao Wu lived on the second floor, on the shaded side. Yongchuan rained often, so the moment he stepped inside he could smell a faint mustiness. The school had knocked two student dorm rooms together into one teachers’ room for two people, so the room was fairly spacious, almost empty-looking.
Only after the two of them went inside did Shao Wu notice that the window was open. A few raindrops had blown through the screen onto the balcony. He had opened the window that morning to smoke and forgotten to close it afterward.
The next second, Yang Shuyi noticed the cigarette pack on the table. “You smoke?” There was a trace of surprise in his voice.
Shao Wu protested inwardly. He barely smoked anymore. It was only because his roommate had been away these past few days that he had opened the window and smoked a few cigarettes.
“Mm,” Shao Wu mumbled. “Don’t you smoke too?”
“I quit.”
“…You quit. That’s good.”
Did he quit for Zou Xin?
Shao Wu shut the door and windows, turned on the air conditioner, and poured Yang Shuyi a cup of hot water.
Yang Shuyi held the cup without drinking, still looking around the dorm.
Shao Wu rummaged through the wardrobe, wishing he could simply bury himself inside it. Eventually he pulled out a sweater and said with some embarrassment, “I’ll be quick.”
Yang Shuyi stood with his lower back against Shao Wu’s desk and gave a quiet “Mm.”
He showed absolutely no awareness that perhaps he ought to turn away.
Shao Wu cursed this lousy dorm for not even having a private bathroom.
He took off his jacket, then his sweater. The instant his skin met the cold air, goosebumps rose all over him. With his back to Yang Shuyi, Shao Wu quickly pulled the clean sweater over his head, his hands trembling. He did not dare turn around, afraid that the moment he did he would meet Yang Shuyi’s eyes. It was too embarrassing. Didn’t Yang Shuyi know Shao Wu liked him?
Shao Wu was certain his face had already turned bright red, but there was nothing he could do. Eventually he had to turn around and tell Yang Shuyi, I’m changed. We can go to the café now.
Shao Wu turned very, very slowly. His breathing was quick, his whole body taut.
He had thought Yang Shuyi would still be looking around the room, or that Yang Shuyi would casually lower his eyes out of polite avoidance.
But Yang Shuyi was looking at him. Openly, directly, looking straight at him.
Like a dark-colored umbrella, covering him completely.
“Shao Wu,” Yang Shuyi said. “Let’s talk here.”
Shao Wu nodded, unable to speak.
“Zhu Jingjing got drunk today. She told me the two of you are only pretending to be together. She said it was to persuade your parents to let you come back to Yongchuan… She said you originally could have received recommendation-based graduate admission, but you failed a course.”
“…”
“She told me you failed because you missed the exam, and you missed the exam because of…” His voice was very soft. “My grandpa’s accident. Is that right?”
He knows, Shao Wu thought.
He had never wanted Yang Shuyi to know.
Every decision had been his own. Every path had been one he chose. Yang Shuyi had known nothing about any of it. The thing Shao Wu least wanted was for those choices to someday become weights in some tragic love performance. There was no point in that.
He was willing to make his own choices and bear his own consequences.
“More or less,” Shao Wu said. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not interested in academia anyway.”
“You lost your graduate-school recommendation because of me.”
“Don’t say that… I didn’t help with Grandpa’s accident either.” I even secretly kissed you. And you caught me.
“Shao Wu.” Yang Shuyi stepped forward twice and gripped Shao Wu’s shoulders hard. “Are you stupid?”
Something in his dark eyes looked as though it were about to burst out. Only then did Shao Wu notice how tightly Yang Shuyi’s brows were drawn, how pained his expression was.
For one instant, Shao Wu almost thought Yang Shuyi was going to kiss him.
But the next second, Yang Shuyi let go.
“These were all my own choices. They have nothing to do with you,” Shao Wu said softly.
Yang Shuyi was silent. A few seconds later, he asked, “Why didn’t you go to the wedding today?”
“I didn’t want to.”
“Were you afraid of seeing me?”
“Do you really think that’s possible?” Shao Wu gave a miserable little smile. At this point, there was no reason to pretend anymore. “Do you know how badly I want to see you?”
Every day. I want to see you every day.
“…Then why didn’t you go?”
You’re the one who insisted on asking.
“Back in high school, that time your dad argued with our homeroom teacher because of your ‘special seat’… Shen Qi was standing there watching too. I heard her say, ‘Yang Shuyi sleeps every day anyway. What difference does it make where he sits?’”
“…”
Yang Shuyi looked almost unable to believe it. His Adam’s apple moved. “That’s all?”
“It isn’t ‘that’s all.’” Shao Wu thought, He probably already thinks I’m insane anyway. “She looked down on you. Back then, she looked down on you.”
“And you remembered that one sentence for… how many years?”
Shao Wu did not have the energy to calculate exactly. “Five or six years, I guess.”
Yang Shuyi fell silent again.
The silence hardened around them like some dense material.
Shao Wu thought, Is it completely over this time?
After a long while, Yang Shuyi spoke.
“I owe you your graduate-school recommendation.”
Shao Wu asked, “Can I make you pay me back?”
“I can’t be with you, Shao Wu.”
“I know.”
“Then…”
“Let me ask you one question. Give me the real answer.”
“Ask.”
Shao Wu closed his eyes. He knew he was pushing himself deeper into the abyss, yet somehow he felt exhilarated. His heart beat so lightly it seemed about to fly.
“You said before that when it was one percent, the only person you thought of was me… What about now?” He did not dare open his eyes and look at Yang Shuyi. “Is it five percent? Sorry, five percent is too much. Two percent. Yang Shuyi, is there two percent?”
One second. Two. Three. Four. Time rolled over him again and again like a wheel.
When Shao Wu reached twelve seconds, he heard Yang Shuyi’s voice.
“It’s five percent now.”
Before Shao Wu could answer, Yang Shuyi pulled open the door and strode quickly out.