Ke Bu couldn’t say a single word. Liu Qing’s voice, her eyes, her presence seemed to possess some kind of hypnotic power, dragging his heart lower and lower. This feeling wasn’t sadness, but it still hurt. Panic, pain, inferiority. He couldn’t cry, yet far too many dark and negative emotions wrapped themselves around him, around his soul, refusing to give it even the smallest chance to breathe, tightening around it until he died.
No matter how many times Zhi Li called Ke Bu’s phone, it remained switched off. So he called Ying Xiu Jie. “Are you with Ke Bu?”
“No. One of my old buddies suddenly ended up in the hospital, so I’m here with him. What happened to Ke Bu…” Before Ying Xiu Jie could finish, Zhi Li cut him off. “Ask the others if anyone has seen Ke Bu.”
“Okay.”
After hanging up, Zhi Li seemed unable to wait even a second. He deeply disliked the thought currently forming in his mind. Ying Xiu Jie called back very quickly. “Other than You Yan, who we still can’t reach, everyone seems to be busy. No one’s with Ke Bu. Ke Bu, he…” Zhi Li hung up on Ying Xiu Jie again and stared coldly at the screen of his phone. Ke Bu, you bastard. You actually dared to lie to me. He went straight downstairs and crossed to another building on campus. Ignoring the female-dorm supervisor trying to stop him, he kicked open the door to one of the girls’ dorm rooms and dragged Bao Ji Lei off the bed. “Where is she?”
Bao Ji Lei’s expression didn’t change even with Zhi Li gripping her collar. The other girls in the room were terrified and didn’t dare make a sound. When Bao Ji Lei remained silent, Zhi Li slammed her back against the bed frame. “Talk.”
“Who are you referring to?”
“Cut the bullshit.”
“I don’t know. She probably expected you to come looking for me. Why would she tell me?” Zhi Li watched her and decided she didn’t look like she was lying. He threw her to the floor and slammed the dormitory door behind him as he left. He frowned slightly and looked up at the sky, now completely dark. Ke Bu, why didn’t you listen to me?
I should have listened to Zhi Li. I shouldn’t have come. Where did all that confidence I had back then go? Where did it go? But really, what right did I have to be confident? Someone like me…
“Do you think people want garbage to exist in this world? Without you, Ke Bu, without you, Zhi Li would be so much better off. So much. So much. So much. So much, so much, so much, so much, so much…”
“Stop talking. Don’t…” Ke Bu backed away, not realizing there was nowhere left to go. His body fell backward beyond his control, and water exploded around him. A river at night was terrifying. You couldn’t see which way to go. You didn’t know what was in the water. You didn’t know what was pulling at you.
Ke Bu’s head struck something hard. His mind turned hazy, and all he could see was a faint, wavering light. He felt unbearably heavy. His arms and legs wouldn’t move, and he didn’t want to move them.
Liu Qing stared at the surface of the river, her lips moving. “According to our agreement, I never laid a hand on him.”
No one will come save me. No one even knows where I am.
The lights along the riverbank looked vague and strange beneath the water. So sinking could feel this comfortable? Ke Bu suddenly remembered himself crying during his very first conversation with Zhi Li. A memory that had once been so precious now filled him with disgust. His own words. His own expressions. So many moments from those eight years seemed to warp once they were submerged in the water.
What right did I have to cry in front of Zhi Li? What right did I have to smile in front of Zhi Li? What right did I have to get angry in front of Zhi Li? What right did I have to hold Zhi Li’s hand? What right did I have to hold Zhi Li’s body? What right did I have to kiss Zhi Li’s lips? What right did I have… when every bad thing he suffered during these eight years came from me?
What has someone like me ever done for Zhi Li? What am I doing for Zhi Li now? What could I ever do for Zhi Li in the future? It has always been Zhi Li doing things for me. When did I begin taking it for granted? When did I start believing I deserved something like this?
Someone like me is with Zhi Li, and that’s why other people blame him. He is almost perfect. His face. His body. His fingertips. His warmth.
I love you, Zhi Li. But what do I have that gives me the right to love you?
Without you, I’m nothing. The person I am now was given to me by you. If I hadn’t met you that summer eight years ago, what would I have become? How much would I hate this world? Would I hate it the way I hate myself now?
Someone like me. Someone like me. Someone like me…
His lungs suddenly began to hurt unbearably, but Ke Bu still couldn’t move. Some inexplicable weight had drained every bit of strength from his body. The light was gone. The vague, strange scenery was gone too. All that remained was darkness and cold. Ke Bu didn’t know where he was going, but this place was very quiet. So very quiet. If he endured the pain a little longer, maybe it would stop hurting. Ke Bu closed his eyes.
The old woman on the wooden platform above the river continued staring into the water until, little by little, there was no movement left at all. She looked somewhat puzzled but remained calm, continuing almost as though she were speaking to herself. “Strange. Doesn’t he know how to swim? Anyway, he fell in by himself. It has nothing to do with me.” The moment she finished speaking, she heard something enter the water near the riverbank. Before she could see what it was, a man’s voice came from behind her.
“Still arrived one step too late.”
“How did you know this place? And what was that just now?” She turned back toward the river.
Something lifted Ke Bu upward. With the last trace of strength he had, Ke Bu slowly opened his eyes. He had never known there were actually mermaids in rivers. Then he closed his eyes again and lost consciousness.
Zhi Zuo Si didn’t answer. He simply looked at the small, frail old woman in front of him, then raised the cigarette that still bore Lan Yin’s lipstick to his lips, took a drag, and tossed it aside. His voice was cold. “Who are you?”
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