[We study men!]
The sound of fists pounding a punching bag came through the speakers. Ying Xiu Jie was shirtless and sweating. He wasn’t particularly muscular, but he had an attractive six-pack, and paired with his bronzed skin, the overall effect was extremely pleasing to the eye. Ying Xiu Jie stopped and glared fiercely into the camera. “What’s the most important thing about a man? His looks? Money? Ability? Strength? None of those. The most important thing about a man is right here. You heard me correctly—right here.” Ying Xiu Jie pointed between his legs. Something absolutely had to be stuffed in there, because no normal person—not even a normal European or American man—would bulge out that much. “I can proudly say that I’m big! I’m very, very big! What made me bigger? Quick Club! Quick Club—the savior of men and a blessing to women. It’s never too late!”
(What is this, an advertisement for treating kidney deficiency?)
[We study women!]
“The thing that accompanies a woman the longest often isn’t a man, and the first thing to come into contact with your most intimate area definitely isn’t a man either. Can you guess what it is? That’s right—it’s Miss Sanitary Pad.” The camera filmed the bed from above. Chu Hao Yu lay on it, constantly tossing and turning, sometimes trapping the blanket between his legs and sometimes kicking his legs into the air. Irritated noises kept escaping him, while his expression was even more anxious and restless. Suddenly, he sat up hugging the blanket and grabbed his hair with both hands. “So irritating! I’m afraid of leaking from the side, leaking in front, leaking in back, leaking in every direction! I wake up several times every night, can’t eat properly, can’t sleep properly, and when the flow gets heavy, I worry even more.” As he spoke, Chu Hao Yu lay back down, squeezed his legs tightly together, and pulled the blanket over himself. Then the originally gray color palette gradually turned bright and colorful. The blanket suddenly flew away, revealing an ecstatic, beaming Chu Hao Yu. He reached into his pants, yanked out the sanitary pad inside, and threw it into the air. “If you have the same troubles I do, then do what I did! I never want to be restrained by sanitary pads again. Choosing to join Quick Club means choosing hope! From now on, no matter how I move or jump, it’ll never leak again. Even if I wear nothing, it won’t leak. Even if I want it to leak, it won’t. Beat it to death and it still won’t leak. Hehe, my lover almost thought I wasn’t a woman anymore.” Chu Hao Yu thrashed happily around the bed before finally trapping the blanket between his legs and falling peacefully asleep.
(If you can wear nothing and still not leak, doesn’t that just mean you never got your period in the first place? But “even if I want it to leak, it won’t, and beating it to death still won’t make it leak” is a little terrifying. What the hell did Quick Club do to menstruation?!)
[We study power!]
Su You Yan’s segment was filmed like a documentary, with the camera following her every move. Whether she was entering the club building or already inside it, every shot of her had large, glittering words pointing toward her: The only daughter of Sheng Jie Academy’s Chancellor. The cherished daughter of Sheng Jie Academy’s Chancellor. Every possible label emphasized the Chancellor of Sheng Jie Academy, as though they were terrified that even one member of the student council might fail to realize that the Chancellor’s daughter belonged to Quick Club. Su You Yan sat at a desk reviewing documents. A speech bubble appeared beside her with an adorable sound effect: [The Chancellor’s daughter handles Quick Club’s daily affairs and expenses.] The scene changed. Su You Yan was now surrounded by a group of poorly dressed children, and another speech bubble appeared: [The Chancellor’s daughter visits underprivileged children.] The scene changed yet again, and Su You Yan was drinking tea with foreigners: [The Chancellor’s daughter holds an in-depth exchange with international friends.]
(Why make her look like the president? What exactly are they trying to imply?)
[We study antisocial personality!]
Ke Bu sat at a simple table with his head lowered. The desk lamp shining directly at him was so bright that he couldn’t keep his eyes open, so he raised both handcuffed hands to shield himself from it.
“What’s your name?”
“Ke Bu.”
“Sex?”
“Is it really that hard to tell?” Ke Bu lazily pushed the lamp away from his face. He was the only person visible on-screen. Zhang Luo, sitting opposite him, occasionally showed nothing more than a hand.
“Tell us what you’ve done!”
“I secretly ate Zhi Li’s breakfast.”
Zhang Luo’s hand slammed hard against the table. “Utterly deranged! Worse than a beast! Quick Club has been observing you for a long time. Not only are you highly aggressive, you also lack any sense of shame and suffer from poor social adjustment. You deny every fairy tale, ridicule other people’s dreams, refuse to exercise, and do nothing but play clever little tricks. Do you admit to all of that?!”
“I admit it.”
“Then confess honestly. How exactly did you steal Zhi Li’s breakfast? Did you use your filthy hands to ravage and torment the lunchbox? Did you use your sharp teeth to slowly chew the poor, fragile rice to pieces? Are you even human?! Do you understand how serious the consequences of your actions are?! Let me tell you—the direct consequence is that Zhi Li had to go hungry that morning!”
“Is that so? I’ve already been arrested. Do whatever you want with me.”
“Take him to Quick Club’s medical room for treatment! He may only return to society once he has fully recovered! At Quick Club, we treat mental illnesses and physical illnesses without medication or surgery, with remarkable results.”
(Ke Bu felt strangely awkward and uncomfortable seeing himself on-screen.)
[After watching the videos above, do you now have a general understanding of Quick Club? If you still don’t understand us well enough, if you still have doubts, then allow this director’s own personal experience to show you what a true miracle looks like.]
The screen went dark. Ke Bu was a little confused. If Zhang Luo’s segment was coming next, then what about Zhi Li’s? Had Zhi Li refused to participate after all? Ke Bu thought that would be a shame.
“This was what I looked like when I first entered Sheng Jie Academy.” Zhang Luo appeared on-screen sitting in his dorm room playing on his computer, wearing a ragged undershirt and underwear. Every now and then he scratched his greasy hair, then reached down to scratch himself below.
“This is me after joining Quick Club.”
The entire short film abruptly transformed into a fresh, artistic style. Zhi Li sat by the window of the club building drawing, his long, slender fingers wrapped around a pencil. He looked so good on camera that it was almost impossible to keep your eyes open.
Zhang Luo’s voice-over crashed gracelessly into the atmosphere. “Want to know how I achieved this transformation? Transfer money to my account: XXXXXX. Account holder: Zhang Luo. Quick Club—a choice you can trust.”
At that moment, Zhi Li raised his head on-screen. “Yan Feng, if this video doesn’t pass, I’ll come find you.” He reached out and covered the camera.
As the ending theme began playing, Zhang Luo was surrounded and beaten again. “Fuck! Do you have no shame at all? You actually used Zhi Li to make yourself look better!”
“You filmed all that, and in the end you still had to rely on a threat?! You bastard!”
Leave a Reply