Ke Bu had no trouble adjusting after starting high school, because the atmosphere wasn’t really that different from middle school. Nobody suddenly became mature overnight. The ones obsessed with games still climbed over the walls to sneak out, and the ones who hated studying still drifted through their days in a daze. Ke Bu lazily sprawled against the windowsill, watching students come and go downstairs. Several days had already passed since school started, yet he still hadn’t caught so much as a glimpse of Zhi Li. Zhi Li was the one who had told him to attend this high school, and now he had vanished without a trace. Had he just been messing with him? If that was really the case, the next time Ke Bu saw him, he would pick up the biggest rock he could find and smash him to death.
The thought left Ke Bu feeling strangely uncomfortable. He couldn’t even explain exactly where the discomfort came from. He and Zhi Li had only made a childish, make-believe sort of promise in middle school. Strictly speaking, Zhi Li was nothing more than his boyfriend in name. They weren’t genuinely dating. They didn’t even have each other’s contact information, much less know where the other lived. Their relationship was as fragile as a strand of thread. If Zhi Li really wasn’t going to attend this high school, then maybe they would never see each other again.
The bell rang. Ke Bu shifted his upper body and planted both elbows on the desk. Whether Zhi Li came or not had nothing to do with him. He could just treat him as a passing figure from his youth, a memory that would fade in a few days. The math teacher drew strange shapes across the blackboard. Boring. The students stared at the board with glazed eyes. Boring. The student called up to the front answered without confidence. Boring. Everything was lifeless. Everything was unbearably boring.
The overwhelming boredom threatened to explode inside Ke Bu’s chest. He wanted to find something to do, but he had no idea what. His pen tore straight through the page of his exercise book.
Ke Bu absorbed absolutely nothing during the entire class. He shuffled into the restroom, pulled down his zipper, and stared at the yellowed wall in front of him. Then someone stepped up beside him. Ke Bu shifted a step to the left and began turning around while pulling his zipper back up. In the corner of his eye, that person was like a blazing sun—so bright that even his peripheral vision couldn’t withstand it. His hands fumbled.
The zipper caught his flesh.
“Ow, ow, ow…” Ke Bu crouched down, clutching himself.
“What happened to you?” Zhi Li’s voice had changed.
“What happened to me is none of your business!” Ke Bu raised his head. It had only been one summer, yet Zhi Li hadn’t just changed his voice—his body had changed too. Just how far was this guy planning to evolve before he was satisfied?
“I only asked. I wasn’t planning to take care of you.”
“If you don’t plan to, then don’t ask.”
“I was talking to myself.”
Ke Bu shot him a hateful glare and stood up. As he walked past, he deliberately slammed his shoulder into Zhi Li’s back.
The next class was math again. The teacher looked very serious while explaining the lesson. The students were listening attentively. Even the color of the clothes worn by the classmate called to the front looked pretty nice. As for the exercise book he had torn earlier, Ke Bu drew a doodle over the hole. A student’s job was to study. How could he possibly find that boring? Maybe the next three years of high school would pass quietly like this too.
That passing figure from his youth, that little memory—letting it last a bit longer wouldn’t cost him anything.
The cafeteria was like a battlefield, everyone pushing and shoving to get ahead. Ke Bu reached the entrance, took one look, then turned around and headed for the convenience shop instead. He bought bread and a few other things before walking back. Zhi Li was sitting in the shade on a bench in front of the boys’ dormitory, both arms stretched across the backrest as he stared directly at the sun.
Ke Bu slowed down.
He didn’t look at Zhi Li. There was no way he was going to greet him first. Otherwise, Zhi Li might get the wrong idea and think Ke Bu was happy to see him.
Ke Bu walked past him.
Five meters.
Ten.
Fifteen.
“Hey. Give me the ice water.”
So this is what it feels like when someone calls you back?
Ke Bu forced down the expression threatening to show on his face and turned around reluctantly. “If you want some, why don’t you buy it yourself?” He handed over the ice water, then sat down beside Zhi Li and opened his bread. Several boys were playing basketball on the court with their shirts off. Girls holding lunch boxes ate and chatted nearby. One blushing girl chased a boy around while fooling with him.
Ke Bu took a bite of bread. “This is the first time I’ve seen you since school started.”
“You were looking for me?”
“W-W-Who would look for you? I was bored, so I asked.”
“I don’t really feel like answering boring questions.”
“Don’t tell me you got yourself a girlfriend over summer and were so busy dating that you couldn’t even be bothered to come to school.” Ke Bu asked as casually as he could.
Condensation rolled down the bottle of chilled mineral water in Zhi Li’s hand. Zhi Li turned his head. “Are you hoping I’ll deny it?”
“I am not!”
“It was too hot these past few days.”
“That’s your reason for missing the start of school?”
“Not good enough?”
“It’s not just inadequate—it doesn’t even qualify as a reason. I can’t believe the school still lets you attend.” The bread in Ke Bu’s hand had been squeezed flat. He muttered, “I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Sounds like that made you pretty sad.”
“Of course I was sad. I-I was just celebrating because I thought I’d finally never have to see you again, and then you showed up. I was very, very sad…” Before Ke Bu could finish, the voices of several girls nearby drowned him out. They seemed to be enthusiastically discussing which celebrity ranked first in their hearts.
“I really don’t understand crazy celebrity fans. Some of the extreme ones seem willing to die for a stranger they’ve only ever seen on a screen,” Ke Bu said around a mouthful of bread.
“Who ranks first in your heart?” Zhi Li suddenly asked.
Ke Bu thought about it. He had never actually ranked the people around him, and he couldn’t come up with an answer on the spot. He murmured, “Probably my parents and family.”
“What about me?”
The question came without the slightest change in Zhi Li’s expression or tone.
Ke Bu choked on his bread.
He coughed and coughed until his face turned red. Zhi Li handed him the water, and Ke Bu drank several mouthfuls before finally stopping.
“Why would I rank you in my heart?”
“Put your parents and family somewhere else. First place is mine.”
“Are you trying to make me an unfilial son?”
Zhi Li was saying incomprehensible things again. He was always like this, never seeming to consider how Ke Bu might feel. Did he talk to other people this way too, or only to Ke Bu? His expression gave Ke Bu no room to misunderstand anything. What interpretation was supposed to be the right one? Maybe he really should study harder. If he grew up a little more, would he eventually be able to understand Zhi Li?
Years later, whenever Ke Bu looked back on that moment, he wanted desperately to laugh at his younger self. So many feelings, so much evidence, had already made one thing perfectly clear: even then, he had liked Zhi Li so, so much. He really had. So why had it taken him so long to realize it?
His younger self had definitely been an idiot.
Leave a Reply