It was almost like being possessed. Whenever Feng Xuanyi remembered those days together, he could not tell whether he had become too immersed in the role or whether his performance had simply become too convincing. Thinking about Nalan Xuan had turned into instinct. Whether something happened or nothing happened, whenever Feng Xuanyi had time to spare, questions about him were forever on his lips. On occasions when Nalan Xuan could not accompany him, the sudden quiet around his ears felt strangely uncomfortable, and he would instinctively look for the man’s figure. That version of himself frightened Feng Xuanyi and felt utterly foreign. Devoting so much attention to another person, inexplicably taking seriously what he knew was merely a game, merely a wager he had made with himself—Feng Xuanyi kept telling himself it was only a game, only a momentary whim, only something to relieve his boredom, only…
Only, without realizing it, he had gradually lost himself.
And just when Feng Xuanyi refused to examine the reason, refused to look more deeply into what was happening, and decided simply to let those feelings grow unchecked, the investigation that had continued for so long finally began to produce results. One mystery after another started to reveal cracks, and the matters buried deep within the fog, whose beginnings and connections he had never been able to trace, gradually exposed their full shape.
“All of you thought I was cruel. All of you thought I was heartless. But did any of you ever consider that this had been a trap from the very beginning—a flawless trap laid out in advance and waiting only for me to step into it?! How could that ‘Ning Xuan’ possibly have been some simple, insignificant nobody from the streets, some nameless lowborn servant planted inside my residence? He was Nalan Xuan, son of Marquis Dingbei—a veteran statesman of three reigns who held military power and such overwhelming influence at court that even Imperial Father had to treat him with respect!” For the first time since beginning his calm account, something like hatred appeared in Feng Xuanyi’s voice. Even his dim gaze sharpened instantly.
“Under ordinary circumstances, even you and I, imperial princes though we were, would have had to show Marquis Dingbei every courtesy upon meeting him. His son naturally had to be treated with caution as well. Yet someone of such standing, someone born to so much honor and privilege, willingly lowered himself to disguise himself as a mere servant inside the residence of a prince who possessed almost no real power at the time. He allowed himself to be ordered around at will and even willingly submitted beneath me. I did not dare imagine what his true intentions might have been!”
“For months in the residence, every one of his days had seemed so vivid, so carefree and unrestricted. I thought it was real. I thought that freedom came from instinct, without the slightest reservation—that he was the only clear spring in this swamp overflowing with power and desire…” Feng Xuanyi smiled bitterly. “I had always considered myself deeply calculating, and I never believed my strategy, courage, or judgment inferior to anyone else’s. I calculated everything, guarded against everything. I defended against the Crown Prince’s open attacks and hidden arrows, and I fended off Eldest Brother’s tests and pressure. Yet I still missed one move and lost completely to Nalan Xuan. I had countless opportunities to suspect him and convinced myself otherwise every single time, while he continued performing before me as though nothing were wrong, tireless and utterly immersed in his role.”
“At the time, I thought there truly was always a higher heaven and someone beyond oneself. To have an opponent like that in one’s lifetime was exhilarating. But I hated it too—not him, I thought, but myself. I hated my carelessness, my negligence, my failure to recognize the person before me. I hated that I had actually been played in the palm of someone else’s hand. What I didn’t understand then was that although I believed I hated myself more than I hated him, the person I truly hated was Nalan Xuan. I hated how easily he could disturb my emotions. I hated that he caused feelings I had never experienced, never even recognized, to grow inside my heart—and then trampled them mercilessly and extinguished them.”
“It felt like betrayal, yet I didn’t even know what exactly he had betrayed.” Desolation seeped into Feng Xuanyi’s voice, his entire body seeming to sink beneath it. “I only knew instinctively that it made me angrier than any ordinary betrayal, that it was more hateful and more unforgivable, because this place actually hurt.” He pointed to the left side of his chest. “It felt like suffocating. I could not speak that name aloud, yet it surfaced in my mind without warning and I kept missing him. Eighth Brother, do you know what that was?”
Confusion covered Feng Xuanyi’s face, yet his expression looked almost like that of someone who had spent his entire life refusing to understand the answer only to be forced into knowing it at last.
“Stop.” Feng Xuanzhen lowered his head. He could not bear to look directly into Feng Xuanyi’s eyes because he knew exactly what that feeling was called: love. How absurd and yet extravagant a word it was for members of an imperial family, how impossibly distant. Countless people might spend their entire lives without ever understanding it, while countless others, after finally understanding, would rather have remained ignorant forever, would rather be cursed by thousands and spat upon by tens of thousands as heartless betrayers. It was selfish, perhaps, but at least then the person being hurt would never be oneself. Unfortunately, Feng Xuanyi had once been a successful example of the former and had now become completely and undeniably the latter: a faithless man forced to understand only when it was already too late.
“Why shouldn’t I say it? How can I stop now? If even you won’t listen until I finish, I don’t know who else I could possibly say these things to, or whether I’ll ever have another chance to say them…” Looking at Feng Xuanzhen’s evasive gaze, Feng Xuanyi unexpectedly felt a trace of warmth, the concern of a younger brother. “You are more fortunate than I am. Luckier too. At least you still understand this truth. At least you haven’t committed an irreparable mistake. But I…”
“At the time, all I thought was this: if you are willing to degrade yourself to play this game, then why shouldn’t I play along to the end? I had nothing to lose. Besides, with beauty capable of toppling a kingdom, there was probably no one else beneath heaven who could compare with him. If I couldn’t fully enjoy a plaything delivered straight to my door, then all the effort I had spent cultivating my reputation for ‘romantic indulgence’ over the years would truly have gone to waste. So I turned his scheme back upon him. I continued favoring him, continued ‘loving’ him. Inside Prince Rong’s residence, even I obeyed his every wish and answered every request, until he was practically a second master of the household. At the same time, I had people secretly watch every movement he made and report everything back to me. If he showed the slightest abnormality, they were permitted to kill him immediately without reporting first.”
“What?” Feng Xuanzhen could not hide his astonishment. During that period, Feng Xuanyi had rushed back to his residence the moment morning court ended. Once home, he practically shut himself away with his new favorite and went nowhere else. Countless people had assumed he had suddenly changed his nature and truly fallen in love. What began as amused disbelief eventually turned into utter shock, and even Feng Xuanzhen, who had followed his imperial brother since childhood, had thought the whole situation almost supernatural. Yet he had never known that during those very days, when outsiders believed the two were at their sweetest and most inseparable, Feng Xuanyi had already ordered Nalan Xuan’s death should anything suspicious occur—and had even authorized the killing before any report was made. How was such treatment any different from that of an expendable pawn?
Seeing Feng Xuanzhen’s reaction, Feng Xuanyi merely smiled without speaking. Yet the bitterness at the corners of his lips seemed to have seeped into his bones and blood, impossible to disperse.
“But he made no move. Day after day passed, while Imperial Father’s health deteriorated by the day. I didn’t know what he was planning, nor could I understand his true objective or what other moves he had prepared. He could afford to wait, but I could not. He had already remained inside my residence for so long, and I had never mistreated him in the slightest. Since he had calculations of his own, even if I could not discover them, that did not mean he couldn’t be useful to me. Because after watching him for so long, I noticed something interesting. He had become anxious over every gain and loss, burdened with thoughts and worries, and I began to wonder whether his false performance had somehow become real—whether he had actually fallen in love with me.”
Next
Leave a Reply