After the song playing on the car radio ended, a young man’s voice came through the speakers. Ke Bu felt as though he had heard that voice somewhere before.
“Hello, everyone, and welcome to the program. I’m your host, Xia Qi. It’s now time to clear up misunderstandings and answer questions. First, as for that person called An, it isn’t that she hates all your sappy words. She simply means exactly what she says: reading them makes her cringe. But after two years of all your frivolous ‘love you this, love you that’ constantly brainwashing her, she’s gotten used to it. Xia Qi would therefore like to remind everyone to stay away from cults. When dealing with an author who has that many personality flaws, please remain rational. Rumor has it that in Books 2 and 3 of I’ll Still Love You Even If You’re a Man, she teamed up with An Ziyan more than once to mess with Mai Ding and all of you. If it were me, I’d spit on her.”
“Next comes the Q&A. The class adviser and Ke Qin were only classmates at a cram school. Cram schools have students of all ages, so the two of them aren’t the same age. According to my analysis, that person called An probably forgot the relationship setting between these two characters who hardly ever appear, and so… Wait, someone just informed me that I’ve been fired. What happened to freedom of speech?! I will not surrender to the forces of evil!”
“I can’t say for certain that this is the final installment, but it should be the last one for these two years. So there are no restrictions and no rules. It’ll be one giant mixed bag. You’ll never know who might appear in the next second. Just treat it as that person called An willfully fooling around. Thank you for listening. I’m Xia Qi, and I’m off to look for a new job.”
Elio’s Notes: The radio segment is an intentional fourth-wall crossover gag. “An” refers to Angelina, while An Ziyan and Mai Ding are characters from her other series I’ll Still Love You Even If You’re a Man. Xia Qi’s explanation about the class adviser and Ke Qin is also a meta clarification: they knew each other from a cram school, where classmates do not necessarily have to be the same age.
Ke Bu cursed loudly, “What dimension did this radio program transmigrate here from?!”
“What are you talking about?” the class adviser asked from the driver’s seat.
“None of you heard that?” Ke Bu turned toward Zhi Li beside him. Zhi Li’s expression gave him the answer. Ke Bu’s eyes widened in horror. “Has this turned into a ghost story?!”
After returning to school, Ke Bu had no time to dwell on anything except the faint lingering ache in his ass. Their class adviser had begun carrying out the punishment for failing to win the sports meet, heartlessly bringing them summer homework meant for high-school students. University life had been so leisurely that Ke Bu had already forgotten how painful high school had been. He flipped through the advanced-math exercises, the formulas making his eyes swim. He had no idea how useful any of this stuff was supposed to be in real life.
“Ah, I’m going insane.” Ke Bu had bitten tooth marks into his pencil. He secretly glanced at Zhi Li doing his homework, quietly scooted closer, peeked at the answer to one problem, and hurriedly copied it down. Suddenly, a book appeared between the two of them. “If you want to copy homework, you have to pay,” Su You Yan said.
“Do you really have to go that far?”
“The club funds are almost gone.”
“That still doesn’t mean you can extort me! You’re the ones who keep buying random stuff.”
“If we want to travel during winter vacation, all of you need to start earning money now.”
“I don’t want to go on a trip.”
“If you don’t go, how is Zhi Li supposed to relieve his physical stress and properly enjoy the New Year?” She could actually say something this insane without the slightest change in expression. Ke Bu gritted his teeth. “Tell him to use his own hand.”
“His hands aren’t meant for rough work. If you have any objections to what I’ve said, feel free to raise them.” As Su You Yan spoke, she started reaching for the black-and-red notebook. Ke Bu hurriedly pressed down on her hand. “I have absolutely no objections. Please put the notebook away.” That notebook was the last thing he wanted to see. It recorded how many mistakes each of them had made, and once someone accumulated enough points, they would be thoroughly dealt with.
Ying Xiu Jie lifted a dumbbell. “Why are you people doing homework? Your body is your greatest asset!”
Chu Hao Yu and Gong Zhu had their heads lowered, completely absorbed in drawing and scribbling. Ke Bu rolled his eyes at Ying Xiu Jie. “I’m already unlucky enough to be in Class 2. Easy for you to say.” As he spoke, he tried to sneak a look at Gong Zhu’s and Chu Hao Yu’s answers, only to discover that one of them was drawing breasts in the workbook while the other was drawing men.
“All of you, do your homework properly.” Ke Bu hadn’t suddenly become a better person. He simply wanted to copy their answers once they finished. “Look at Zhi Li. See how seriously he’s working.” He grabbed the notebook in front of Zhi Li and held it up for the other two to see, taking the opportunity to sneak several more answers for free. But the longer Ke Bu looked, the more confused he became. There was one problem where no matter how he calculated it, there was simply no way to arrive at the number Zhi Li had written.
“Zhi Li, did you calculate this one wrong?”
“Calculate what?” Zhi Li looked completely baffled by Ke Bu’s question. Ke Bu immediately understood the truth and threw the notebook back at him. “This is a math workbook! It’s not somewhere for you to fill in your favorite numbers!”
“Didn’t the class adviser say she assigned homework because she wanted to understand her students?”
“That was just something polite she said. And what she meant was that she wanted to understand her students’ learning progress, not understand you as a person. Fix that terrible habit of interpreting everything only by its literal meaning.” Ke Bu erased the answers he had just copied, then suddenly jerked his head up. “Give me your Chinese-language homework.”
Zhi Li had barely taken it out before Ke Bu snatched it away. He rapidly flipped to the composition page, and blood immediately rushed to his head.
Title: Things I Don’t Understand
Body: Spring has arrived. The little grass slowly turned the earth green. Tender green buds grew from the willow branches, and the flowers all rushed to bloom. Little birds flew freely back and forth through the sky. I happily went to the park to sketch. Spring is so beautiful! But I’m not in the mood to observe spring. I still have many things I don’t understand.
I don’t understand why Ke Bu is so quiet in bed.
I don’t understand why Ke Bu disguises himself as a bear in winter.
I don’t understand how Ke Bu became an idiot.
I don’t understand why Ke Bu doesn’t like doing it from behind.
I don’t understand……………
Will Grandpa Sun tell me the answers to these questions?
Elio’s Notes: 太阳公公, literally “Grandpa Sun,” is a childlike personification of the sun commonly used in Chinese children’s stories and elementary-school compositions. The childish wording is deliberate here because Zhi Li has copied the style of an elementary-school essay guide.
After reading it, Ke Bu threw the notebook back at him. “Are you writing an elementary-school composition?!” The moment he finished speaking, he happened to notice the book Su You Yan was reading that day. Its title was The Ultimate Guide to Elementary School Essays.
“You really did copy an elementary-school essay! Couldn’t you at least find one written for middle-school students?”
“Too many words.” Zhi Li answered as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“It isn’t even spring anymore.”
Zhi Li picked up his pen and changed the character for “spring” to “winter.” Ke Bu leaned over him. “There is no way I’m letting you hand this homework in. I already have enough trouble facing the class adviser as it is.” He stuffed the notebook inside his clothes, hid in a corner, and tore out that page. After finishing his own masterpiece, Chu Hao Yu pulled out some money and handed it to Su You Yan. “My share. See? You people are always saying my HD action films are useless, but the facts prove you were all wrong. Besides satisfying myself, I can rent them out to fellow enthusiasts and make money.”
“I’ll make late-night snacks and sell them in the dorm. You Yan, sorry, you’ll have to wait a little.”
Ying Xiu Jie, who had only recently been scammed over the phone, was short on cash, while Gong Zhu had bought so many fanbooks that he couldn’t come up with his share right away either. Ke Bu returned to his seat after stuffing the torn sheet into his bag and shamelessly pretended not to hear their conversation. He would much rather spend winter vacation holed up somewhere quiet with his mind completely blank.
“Your money.”
“No money. Broke.”
“Then find another way to turn yourself into money. BL has tons of plots like that. Talk it over with Lord Zhi Li. At the very least, settle the bill for the last few times.” Gong Zhu was offering another terrible idea. Ke Bu had just opened his mouth to respond when Zhi Li held out a hand toward him. “Settle the bill for the last five times.”
“I’m the one who should be getting paid, not you! Don’t get it backwards!!!”
How did Zhi Li always manage to understand things in the most infuriating way possible?
That night, after evening self-study, Zhi Li returned to his dorm alone. The first thing he saw was the crumpled sheet of paper lying on his bed. He picked it up. Beside his own handwriting, Ke Bu’s handwriting had been added.
I don’t understand why Ke Bu is so quiet in bed. (Because if Ke Bu gets too loud, he’s afraid you’ll think you’re hurting him.)
I don’t understand why Ke Bu disguises himself as a bear in winter. (Because Ke Bu gets cold, so he wears a lot of clothes.)
I don’t understand how Ke Bu became an idiot. (Because with Zhi Li around, Ke Bu doesn’t need to think.)
I don’t understand why Ke Bu doesn’t like doing it from behind. (Because Ke Bu wants to look at Zhi Li face-to-face.)
I don’t understand……………
(I don’t know whether Ke Bu has explained all the things Lord Zhi Li doesn’t understand clearly enough. Today, I’ll be your Grandpa Sun.)
A change appeared on Zhi Li’s habitually numb face, though it was probably only visible under a microscope. He grabbed a pen, bit off the cap, and crossed out the words “Grandpa Sun.” Then he stood up and headed for Ke Bu’s dorm. He had only knocked once when Ke Bu opened the door. Before Ke Bu could react, the sheet of paper was slapped onto his forehead.
“Your memory is terrible. I told you I hate the sun, didn’t I? Don’t compare yourself to something I hate.” After saying only that, Zhi Li turned to leave. Ke Bu stood motionless like a hopping corpse with a talisman pasted to its forehead, with only his mouth moving. “Then what am I supposed to compare myself to?”
“Mm. Just compare yourself to Ke Bu. That’s something I like.”
You keep knocking on my heart so recklessly. Aren’t you afraid of the consequences?
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